Otsuge Gin rose from her futon quietly and without fuss, preparing
for her first day of high school.  Her half-sister, whom she'd
never met, would be at the same high school, she knew, and in the
same home-room.  They might meet face-to-face today.  Her mouth
muscles struggled with the unaccustomed task of attempting a
brief, slight smile of anticipation.

Who fusses when they wake up?

'Otsuge Gin rose quitely from her futon to begin preparing for
her first day at school.'

The second sentence is only worse.  It may be obvious advice,
but you should read these out loud and you'd probably immediately
notice what a jumble of phrases they are.

Also, the opening paragraph is the single most important paragraph.
You don't want to fill it with factual data about the half sister,
save that for the second, you want to evoke some sort of image or
other point of interest that will grab the reader.  Just someone
the reader doesn't know waking up isn't going to do that.

I read a little further, but nothing about it grabbed my interest.
Give me a reason to keep reading and I will. I like original anime
stories, but I want to be shown something I haven't seen before.  A
girl waking up and going to school isn't going to do it.

Ammadeau

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