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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: ECBvsTenshif.txt

  Greetings and welcome to another session of the Evil Commentary
Bureau.  Today we have one of the classic authors of Ranma fanfiction
before our lens.  A respected member of our fanfiction community
and moderator of the fanfiction mailing list.  Ah, but today we get to
take a stab at glancing through one of his more controversial
fics under the lens of the Evil Commentary Bureau.

  The author shall be allowed a single response sent to the email:
dracos12@hotmail.com.  We apologize for not being able to provide
more, but we are under an extreme backload of fics from simply our
submissions pile.  This Evil Commentary Bureau production will be
archived alongside other ECB works at: http://www.pishoque.net/soulriders.

  So, with that in mind, we ask ye to sit down and enjoy the show:

"Evil Commentary Bureau versus The Angel From Hell"

*Begin ECB*

                        TENSHI

                 Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
                    by Gary Kleppe

ECB: Excellent title orientation and formatting.  Many an author could
learn from it.


     The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way. Just in case anyone might
be misled by the name: this story has absolutely nothing to do with
Pioneer's "Tenchi" series.

     Thanks to the FFIRC Hour Challenge crew for their comments on the
earlier drafts of this. All feedback is welcomed.

ECB: An excellent disclaimer as well.  At the very least, this fic
starts off on quite a fine foot.


"Welcome to Ucchan's. I'll be with you in a minute, sugar."

Tenshi nodded as he sat at the counter. "Sure. Thanks." The waitress
who'd greeted him poured a cupful of dough onto the grill; it sizzled
and steamed as she patted it into shape with a spatula.

ECB: Since when does someone look at the person cooking the food and
think waitress?  Especially if there is only one person behind the
counter taking the orders as well?

He ran his eyes furtively across the restaurant, making mental notes
of the possibilities. A dead mouse in the kitchen. An anonymous
call to the health inspector. It would be easy. The place would be shut
down within days, and the owners would never have any clue who was
responsible.

ECB: A solid start, save for one thing: "Why?" ECBTenshi: Mwahahaha,
I am going to enter a small and likely poor restaurant and contemplate
ways I can sabotage it just because!  Look at me, I'm a rat!
ECB: Yeaaah, maybe you can get your next con-man with something called:
"motive".  It doesn't even take much more than an extra line: "Maybe
he could setup an arrangement with one of her competitors, later if he
didn't get anything here directly."
ECBTownIdiot: Ukyou has a kitchen? But her grill is right there by the 
counter?
  Where the heck is that guy looking?

But that wasn't what he was here for.

ECB: In which case, think of something better.  Simple enough.
Something that goes with why he is here.  He's clearly looking to make
the tiny resturant a mark, so why shouldn't he be looking for ways to
make a profit off of it from the get go?

The waitress stepped over to him. "What would you like, hon?" Her
uniform was complete with about twenty mini-spatulas in front, plus a
giant one in back. Cute. He'd always said, gimmicks like that make the
customers remember your restaurant and keep coming back.

ECB: Because people dressed in an eccentric fashion that advertises
their store are obviously just the hired help.  You build up a small
amount of confusion here in Tenshi that doesn't add anything and just
seems silly.  Anyone so 'knowledgable' to feel confident in shutting
down a place at a glance would certainly be perceptive enough to spot
the owner acting in the classic fashion for owners of those types of
resturaunts.

Especially when the waitress had the face and body that a guy doesn't
forget.

ECB: Yet he needed a second look to describe her?

"Gimme the deluxe," he said. "And a beer. And tell the owner that I'd
like to have a word with her." He nodded toward the woman in the
kimono, obviously the owner, who stood on the other side pouring tea
for another customer.

ECBTenshi: "Look at me.  I come into a fast-food resturaunt where the
only visible workers in the place are high schoolers and order beer."
ECB: But if it isn't served there, why would it be on the menu or
wherever he pulled 'deluxe' out of to be ordered?
ECBTenshi: "Bah, who needs such things as menus.  I'm building my 
character!"
ECB: And the teenage 'girl' in the threadbare kimono is obviously the owner 
over the
the more confidant and assertive person taking your orders?
ECBTenshi: "Look, I'm obviously a moron with no observation skills despite 
the
attempt to allude to the contrary by the author.  I'm staking out a 
fast-food joint
after all!"
ECB: Great idea, let's go after Burger King next.  We can order champagne 
there.

"We don't have any beer," she answered with a smirk. "And *I* happen
to be the owner, sugar." She poured another cup of dough on the grill,
and it began cooking.

ECB: And thus what should be painfully obvious is stated.

"Are you, now. Well, well." He shifted lazily on his stool, lowering
his voice. "Got a little proposition for you, miss restaurant owner."

ECB: Capitialize your proper nouns, "Miss Restaurant Owner."

"The name's Ukyo," she said a little warily. "Ukyo Kuonji. What'd you
have in mind, mister customer?"

ECB: Same here, "Mister Customer"

He dug into his pocket and pulled out a business card. "Here."

She scanned the card. "P. Tenshi, business consultant? That's a little
vague, honey. What kind of consulting do you do?"

Tenshi took a second look at the young woman. Long, silky ebony hair,
held in place by a ribbon, cascaded down past her flawlessly perfect
face and ample chest to her narrow waist. Four stars. No, five. Five
stars meant that a babe was gorgeous enough that he'd do it with her
then and there, in front of everyone.

ECB: Yay, we know Ukyo is supermodel level here.  Anyhow, decent enough
description, though it makes the previous look over seem as totally
unnecessary fluff.

"I'm into public relations," he said. "For the right price, I can
increase your market share. How would you like to have every customer
in the whole area going to your restaurant, and only your restaurant?"

ECB: Why in the world would anyone go after a hole in the wall
fast-food joint with that type of offer?  That's almost as bad as
walking up to the guy selling food out of his cart and asking him if
he'd be willing to pay to have the nearby resturants taken out of
commission.  It's a silly offer, especially to what is clearly a
teenager.

She flashed a patronizing smile. "I don't think I could handle that
much business, sugar."

ECB: Reasonably patronizing, though the lead up for it doesn't make
sense.  Nor does his quick entrance and immediate throwing of his pitch
without even taking time to assess the resturant beyond a brief glance.
I mean, sheesh, you paint this guy as both incompetent beyond belief
and capable of examining and analyzing targets in the restaurant
with a glance.  You just rush right in without taking any time to build
the atmosphere.

"How'd you like to be the only game in town? To be able to raise your
prices as high as you like, and leave people with no choice but to eat
here?"

ECB: In a district in Tokyo?  And of course, there is no one like
Kasumi around who makes their own food.  And why would a con-man set up
for a long term job with the local Yakuza after him? ECBTenshi:
"It's just for the excitement!  After all, I can make more money if I
have to deal with hiding from crimelords and evading bullets when
trying to make a pitch at a fast food joint." ECBRealLife: And a part
time resturant owner wouldn't laugh at the concept of being the only
food supplier for about a half million people? ECBMangafan: "Wait,
Wait, brilliant.  Let's have Ukyo put her friends out of business
as well.  She'd naturally love the concept!"

Her eyes narrowed. "Are you saying--"

ECBTenshi: "No, I am not here just to con you.  Nevermind I never even
took more than a glance at your business before making my offer."

The door chime tinkled. A teenager shambled in. Big muscles, tight
buns, pretty face. The kind of guy that women always go nuts over. And
sure enough, Little Miss Restaurant Owner got one look at him and lit
up like a game machine that somebody had just put a coin in.

ECB: Ranma has big muscles?  Anyhow, nice analogy, though this is
probably the most observation skills you've given this putz so far.
ECBLogictrain: *Beep Beep* There's a tree in the road.
ECB: It's observant actually to the point of disbelief.  He manages to see
Ranma's ass when he's lumbering in and towards them?  How?  Did he have
a mirror set up behind Ranma?

"Ran-chan!" She hopped over to greet him, dropping Tenshi's card on the
grill where it began to sizzle, smoking as it quickly blackened
and crumbled. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, y' know." Pretty boy rubbed a bruise on his cheek.

ECB: The proper nouns, they cry for justice!  Pretty Boy hunts for
VENGEANCE!

"Akane?"

He nodded.

"Why'd she do a thing like that?" she cooed.

"Um... because I called her a flat-chested un-sexy tomboy whose cooking
ain't fit for worms," he answered. "Some people just can't take a
joke."

"I know how it is." She sighed. "How about an okonomiyaki? Guaranteed
to take your mind off Ak--, I mean, off your troubles."

"Yeah, that's what I came for." He handed over some cash. "Make it two.
Akane and me sorta ruined tonight's dinner when our practice match got
outta hand."

"Coming right up!" She sounded a bit exasperated. Obviously, she wanted
to be more than just a waitress to pretty boy. The age-old story. Girl
meets boy, girl gets the hots for boy, but girl over on the next block
has bigger you-know-whats.

ECB: You know, this is actually an amusing line.

Glancing back at Tenshi, the waitress flipped an okonomiyaki in his
direction. It slid across the counter, stopping precisely in front of
him. "Enjoy, sugar. Then leave. I don't think we can do business."

ECB: Who would eat an okonomiyaki that was flipped off the grill, onto
the counter, and then slid across it to stay in front of them... with
no plate?
ECBUkyo: But I serve all my okonomiyaki fresh off the counter
without plates.  The sink is just decoration.

Tenshi smirked. "Your loss, honey. Maybe one of the other places in the
area will be interested." He saw her flinch slightly at that, then
shrug dismissively.

ECB: God-forbid the prospective client flinches when you threaten
them.  Next thing you know, he'll be putting rats into her kitchen
and she'll never notice while standing right over the grill.
ECBBusinessPerson: Wait a second, we have cops in this story!  What
happens when something goes wrong from now on?  She can pin it on him.
She has his own threat and doubtlessly other customers who saw them
talking and saw her flinch.

"Hey, Ucchan!" pretty boy called. "Is my food ready yet? I gotta get
goin'!"

ECB: The usage of proper nouns escapes you, doesn't it?

"Um... yeah, Ran-chan." The giant spatula swung into action. "I'll just
box it up for you."

ECB: Ranma... needs to box his food and carry it out?  Since when?  He
eats like a speed demon on steroids.  And he's been in there, what,
two-three minutes?
ECBRanma: Come on, I'm late for a fight and superspeed food isn't quite fast 
enough!

The kid stared down at his coat for a minute, then looked up at her.
"Flowers?"

"Huh?"

"For Akane. Think it would work? I thought about chocolate, but then
I'd be too tempted to make fat jokes."

ECB: You know, there's something off about this whole scene.  It rubs
one wrong not so much from a Make Sense angle but more the: "Who is
this guy and what did he do with Ranma?"  Ranma shows countless
times in the series that he doesn't make up unless prodded to.
Especially with minor spats.  And Ukyo doesn't try to capitalize
on it at all?  GO SPINELESS FIANCEE!

"Um... sure, Ran-chan." She flipped the two okonomiyaki into boxes and
folded them up with practiced precision. "Every girl likes getting
flowers."

"Great! Maybe I'll try it." He swatted her on the shoulder playfully.
"Thanks, Ucchan!"

For a moment, the owner seemed about to explode. "Damn it!" Then she
took a deep breath and calmed down, at least outwardly.
Professionalism. Tenshi had to admire that.

Leaving payment on the counter, he stood up. "See ya later, honey."
Soap operas were fun, but none of his concern. If he wasn't going to
find a job here, he'd have to look elsewhere.

He'd barely pushed the door open, when he felt a tug on his sleeve.
"Wait," the owner said in a hushed voice.

ECB: Who is meanwhile ignoring all her other customers and whatever
food she has cooking on the grill?

Tenshi turned around, and grinned. "You want to hire me after all, hm?"

"Yes." She took a nervous breath. "But not for exactly what you had in
mind...."

ECB: You know, I can't follow this logic leap.  It makes no sense.
She knows he's an obvious con-man, but how she gets from: "I offer to
wreck your business competition" to "Hey, I'm a master of romantic
intrigue and can get rid of your rivals" without any prodding from the
departing con-man is beyond me.  I mean sheesh, it's like assuming
because Ranma could physically protect someone, that he's the guy to
hire to do your math homework.  The leap makes no sense.  Even worse,
it makes him trying it again as your ending seem like you forgot he was
leery of it in the first place!

***

The last few customers trickled out of the restaurant. Tenshi leaned
against a stool, his legs stretched across the adjacent one.

"I gotta admit, this isn't the kind of work I usually do. Taking out
somebody's business competitors is one thing. But helping you catch
a husband...." Sure, he was used to trying to win his way with the
ladies, but he'd never had to succeed with any particular one. He'd
just give it his best try, and if one girl didn't warm up to him, just
move on to the next. It was the same way in business. You only had to
convince a certain number of customers; if one particular person was
too stubborn, that didn't matter as long as you could make the majority
see it your way. But this was a whole different ball game.

ECB: And again we ask, why is he taking the job?  There is obviously
not money in it.  It even goes against his whole mentality above.  Why
sit around on a peanuts job when he could just go and try and con the
next resturant down the street?  Or better, one of those rich types
like Kuno who are around.

Her indignant glare told him that he'd said the wrong thing. Or at
least said it the wrong way.

ECB: Why is she fixated on this random con-man?  He's neither shown
any demonstrated skill at his art, any reason to latch on to him, nor
even proposed the concept in the first place.  I mean, assuming in
context of your fic she's reached the point she doesn't believe she can
win him herself (Which is one of your premises), she just out of the
blue is latching on to a random person without even trying anything
nutsy herself first?

Okay, so maybe changing the subject would be a good idea. "This Ranma
of yours... he got other women after him, or just you?"

ECB: He's already figured it out as you showed on camera before, moreso
how exactly did he understand what she was asking at all without her
explaining the situation first?  Logic-flaw.  He either knows it's a
soap opera before this point and is merely asking specific details
or he does not.  Only one works.
ECBLogictrain: *TOOT TOOT*
ECB: Oh, one more hole... she's not called him Ranma yet.  Nor has anyone 
else.
And as you show right below, she seems to be referring to him as
Ran-chan in the entire discussion.  So how does he know that his name
isn't just Ran or Ran-chan?  Where does he magically gain the second
syllable?

"Ran-chan attracts suitors like a flower attracts bees," she said,
confirming what Tenshi had already thought. "There's a gymnast from St.
Hebereke high who's been chasing him for quite a while. Besides that,
there's Shampoo, who you might have seen if you've been to the Cat
Cafe. Those are my main competitors."

ECB: This whole setup should go before he comments on the oddness
of the job.  It would make sense then.  Skipping the beginning
explanations and then coming back around to what should be in them does
not.
ECBChecker: Okay, so he knows about Shampoo and a gymnast from St.
Hebereke.

"The woman from the Cat Cafe?" Tenshi recalled the withered old crone
who had served him there on Monday, and his stomach fluttered.
"SHE'S interested in him?"

ECB: A weak attempt at comedy.  There's only so far you can pull the
misrecognition joke.  He'd have to be a total idiot to assume that
someone he ranks as '5 star babe' is having trouble competing against
an old woman.  It's just too farfetched to be funny.

"Uh huh. And she doesn't have a lot of shame when it comes to showing
it, either. She's been known to sneak naked into the shower with him,
or into his bed while he's sleeping."

ECB: Ukyo knows this?  From where?  Minor point really, but I think
you are attributing her knowledge she has no reason to have.

An image of that stringy-haired, gnarled lump of flesh cuddling under
the covers with him, and Tenshi had to fight back the urge to spit out
the food he was chewing.

ECB: The effort taken to try and pull this joke out is entirely wasted
by the fact that the joke itself requires us to assume that this guy is
a bloody retard.

"I guess if you've got it, you might as well use it," Ukyo said
wistfully. "I can't deny being a little jealous when I look at how
built Shampoo is. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a bod like hers that
would make any guy look twice?"

"Once was enough for me," Tenshi sputtered. Just what kind of taste
in women did this Ranma *have?*

ECB: The joke begs you to release it.  To let it die.  But you keep
trying to make it!  Why?  Hasn't the funny suffered enough from you
trying to make us picture Cologne in bed with anyone?

"Ran-chan would be happier with me than any of them, though. I know he
would." She sighed dreamily. "I hoped you'd help convince him of that.
But now I'm just wondering what I was thinking. Maybe this whole thing
is a mistake."

ECB: You know, for someone who failed to pitch her ANYTHING on his own,
she has an awful lot of faith in his ability.
ECBUkyo: It's his charming lack of any confidence that he can do it.

"Oh, it isn't." Tenshi smiled. "If you've got the cash to offer, I'll
get the job done."

ECB: Where does Ukyo get the cash?  Why does this guy start at all
without any payment arrangement?  He doesn't even have the semi-decent
concept you provided before of: "if he's increasing her business
share, he can blackmail her later and skim large amounts off the top of
her increased earnings."  Here he's working towards a situation
where she'd be able to pay him less as she's spending more time fawning
over her boyfriend.  Moreso, he spends an apparently ungodly amount
of money on it while already being in debt.  Where's all the cash
coming from?  Ukyo's secret stock exchange?

"All right, then," she said, obvious unease coloring her voice. *Little
miss high-and-mighty,* he thought with a chuckle, *embarrassed
to have to deal with a scumbag like me.* She was no different than he
was. Not really. Some joker comes into her restaurant and plunks down
five hundred yen for an okonomiyaki, and she delivers the goods. The
guy could be an axe murderer for all she knows , and all she cares is
how big a tip he leaves when he's done. That's all it's about. *You
pay, and I play.* It's what business is all about.

ECB: Why did you just switch writing styles here?  This has all been
in his third-person limited perspective.  You were clearly showing
his thoughts just a few paragraphs above without markers.  Why the
sudden switch to them now?
ECBMeow: I would recommend that you take them out entirely.  While
I could expound on the reasons why, I think this parody fic should
make the reasons clear.
ECBLinker: http://www.garykleppe.org/fanfic/thekey.txt

Tenshi dropped his feet to the floor and straightened out his back.
"As far as this little... ad campaign... is concerned, there's two ways
you can play it. Positive, or negative. Positive means you tell 'em how
wonderful your own product is and how much it'll enrich their lives.
Negative means you attack the competitor's product, you tell them how
bad off they are 'cause they didn't buy yours instead."

ECB: Minor grammar point, abusing ellipsis==Bad.

"Hm." Ukyo put a hand to her chin. "Which do you think we should do?"

"Well, your boy's got other women chasing him. So going negative
against the lead contender isn't gonna help if someone else comes in to
pick up

ECB: Which, as I'll note, he doesn't know which is the lead contender
as he hasn't asked.  More on this later.

the slack. No, I think we need to take the high road on this one, at
least to begin with." He tapped the counter with his chopsticks
as he thought. "Problem is, it's not like we can go out and buy TV time
for this campaign. We do this, we've gotta do it somewhere where mister
prettyboy is going to see it."

ECB: "Mister Prettyboy", or are proper nouns in revolt?  And what's
with the change in format from "Pretty Boy"?
ECBDoubleteam: But Ukyo would clearly consider herself the front runner 
outside of
Akane.  There's no reason she'd think she wouldn't be the one picking
up the slack.  So why wouldn't she comment to the reverse here?  I
mean, she has a fianceeship to fling around at the very least.  So the
reasoning for taking the high road is flawed here.  Surely you can
invent one more IC.
ECBBusiness: I got a great idea!  Let's treat romance like a business!
I mean, no one would feel awkward with the concept of romance being
done by a publicity agent.

"Like what?"

"Hmmm... he and you go to school together?"

"Yes, we're in the same class at Furinkan."

"Then we're in business. Give me a couple of hours to type something
up, and then we'll get things moving."

ECB: Yes, spend just a couple of hours to create a play.  That'll
go well.  What next, Shakespeare?

***

"A script?" Ukyo flipped through the typed sheets of paper. "'An
Okonomiyaki With Love And Dreams, To Go?'"

Tenshi nodded. "It's about a poor, depressed high school student who
gets crapped on by his family and most everyone else. Finally he gets
up, and runs away with his only real friend, who just happens to be an
okonomiyaki restaurateur, and he lives happily ever after."

ECB: This really isn't the standard context of an ECB.  It's not
something I teach the other reviewers to note or pay attention to or
something that really belongs in one.  But in this case, I not only
couldn't help but notice it, but ran it by several others to check as
well.  And frankly, no one missed the pathetic swipe at Zen's Long and
Winding Road here.  Whether you think it's good natured or not, your
attempt to swipe here wrecked a large part of your fic.  You suffered
from tunnel vision and thus didn't make the scene anywhere near as
funny as it could be.  A pity, but such is the fate of most people
who are trapped in rantficcing.

She handed it back to him. "And you're going to make Ranma sit through
this?"

"Are you kidding?" He grinned back at her. "He's gonna STAR in it. So
are you, babe."

***

Vice Principal Tsumaranai of Furinkan paged through the expense reports
on his desk, resisting the urge to tear out what was left of his hair.

ECB: Vice Principal... Boring?  Uninteresting?  Useless?  Was that
supposed to be some in joke that you forgot to clear up in your
author's notes?  Or did you simply pull a stupid name out of nowhere?

Five hundred thousand yen to build a simulated jungle in the basement?
How was he going to explain this to the school authorities? Yet if he
didn't find some way of reconciling the budget, there wouldn't be
anything left to pay the faculty. Not to mention the administrators,
a certain one of whom had a wife and two daughters at home, counting
on him to bring back a paycheck that they could use to put food on the
table.

ECB: Seriousness of this type hurts the funny.  You are attempting
to bring the reality of the whole Ranmaverse in here and provide a
'need' in which the crap con-man shows up with his imaginary money
(That would go better to well, paying off the yakuza).

Damn it, he thought. If only--

The intercom buzzed.

"Yes, Mishoko?"

ECB: Unknown Woman?  Yay for in jokes!

"There's a gentleman to see you, Mr. Vice-Principal. He says he's
with... er, 'Tenshi Dramatic Productions, Inc.'"

Tsumaranai shrugged. Sure, why not? "Show him in, please." He took a
soothing sip from his coffee mug.

The door opened. "Good morning, Mr. Vice Principal," the man said. A
curvy moustache topped his rather sunken face.

"Good morning, Mister...."

"Tenshi." He handed over a business card. "My company is interested
in having your school put on a play that we've written."

"You'll have to speak to Mr. Kunren about that. As drama club advisor,

ECB: Mr. Practice now?  Boy, I guess having a little hint for your
non-japanese readers is too much!

that decision is his call, and I don't like to micro-manage my people."

"... and we're prepared to offer compensation to your school." He
proffered a sheet of paper.

Tsumaranai scanned the numbers on the page, and caught his mug before
the coffee could spill in his lap. "Then again, what is an
administrator if not a hands-on participant in the school process?"

ECB: Where's he getting the money immediately from this?  Ukyo?  I do
hope you cover this later.
ECBRealism: You know, people don't ask questions like this when you don't
strive to add measures of Realism like cops and health agencies to your 
story.

"There is one stipulation, though," Mr. Tenshi cautioned. "Due to...
insurance regulations... we must require the lead part in the play to
be performed by...." He pulled out a sheet of paper and began reading
as if quoting directly from it. "'... a martial artist whose initials
are R.S.'"

ECB: You know, this is about the most Ranmaseque thing thrown in so
far.  The touch back from the crappily presented seriousness into
something actually quirky.

"That's... quite an unusual stipulation." Sweat beaded onto
Tsumaranai's forehead. "But not a problem for us to meet, not at all."

Mr. Tenshi smiled. "Didn't think it would be."

ECB: And here we wonder why the screwup isn't that Ukyo gets casted
as something other than the lead.  Or why he didn't put Ukyo clearly
in the lead role?  Why leave it to chance?

***

"Now listen up!" The voice of Drama Coach Kunren resonated through
the room, with such force that it nearly shook the walls. "This next
scene is a tender dramatic moment featuring the character played by Ms.
Nikai! It is to be acted with subtlety and tenderness! Is that clear?"

"Yes, teacher," replied aspiring actress Yuka Nikai.

"I can't HEAR you!"

Yuka thrust her head back and her chest as far forward as it would go.
"Yes, teacher!" she said, more loudly than before.

"All right, then! On the count of three, you will commence acting!
One! Two! THREE! Act! Act!"

ECB: Amusing character that is underused in this fic.  Very underused.
Of course, given you do almost the entire play off camera, that's no
surprise.  It's amazing how you run with things that suck, and give
barely any time to stuff that has the potential to work.  I mean, even
if this is stupid, it's at least Takahashi stupid and thus fits in
well.

The rehearsal commenced. Tsumaranai watched intently from a chair in
the corner of the room. Kunren, of course, was Furinkan's former soccer
coach, one of the teachers sent to the United States by the principal
to study and adapt their teaching methods. Nobody quite knew what
school he visited -- if indeed it was a school -- but the approach
he brought back went over so well with the students that, by the end of
his third week back, none of them were willing to play on the team
anymore. What to do with him then? *Put him in charge of the drama
club,* a certain genius in the school administration, whose name
Tsumaranai very much hoped would go unmentioned, had said; *he can't
do any real harm there.* Aaaargh.

ECB: Switching styles of writing AGAIN?!  Was this even proofread?
ECBAuthor: "I know, if I keep switching styles, the readers will be too
confused to actually realize that my story doesn't make sense!"

Kunren swaggered over to where the play's star sat on the floor.
"Mister Saotome!"

"Yeah, what?" Ranma Saotome cast a brief glance upward, then returned
his attention to the booklet in front of him.

ECB: Why is Ranma even bothering?  You cut out a whole potential
comedy angle here by removing his motivation.  It's accepted that they
managed him in there under Make Sense guidelines but... really now,
such a waste.

"Do I take it that you are reading your lines from the script? Are you
not aware that all participants in this play were required to have
memorized their lines by oh-fifteen hundred hours on the day before
yesterday?"

ECB: You do not include the 'oh' if it is after 10 'o clock.

"I did learn 'em," Ranma replied. "But then I forgot 'em again. Sorry,
pal."

ECBComedy: "Mommy, why did the bad man come and hit me again?  I gave
him a joke to use.  Why'd he throw it in the trash and hit me?"

"You should rehearse as a girl," Ranma's friend Hiroshi chipped in from
his desk at the side of the room. "It's been scientifically
proven that women have bigger memories." He laughed.

ECB: The funny is hiding.  It doesn't want to be hit anymore.  Please
stop shooting it.

Kunren turned on him angrily. "Since you find this so amusing, Mister
Chapatsu, you can just drop and give me twenty soliloquies! NOW! Move
it, move it!"

ECB: *Yawns*  Some physical desc here?  Some touch up?  For all we know
Kunren could be a one legged freak with green skin.  He's not from the
regular cast, so you don't even have the excuse that we should be
familiar with his image.

Complying, Hiroshi fell into a squat and began mumbling lines to
himself.

ECB: This could be livened up so simply, but instead all we get is a
line.  No background.  No atmosphere.  No little green elf soldiers
dancing in the background.

"Now then, Mister Saotome, I expect your dialog in this play to be
fully and completely memorized by tomorrow's rehearsal time at
oh-sixteen hundred. Am I making myself reasonably clear with this?"

ECB: Yay, long dialogue with no flavor actions!
ECBKunren: "Look at me, I don't move.  At all.  I'm cardboard!"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

"I can't HEAR you!"

"Maybe you oughtta get a hearing aid or somethin', man," Ranma offered
helpfully.

ECB: An overused line.  Weakened by the fact that it isn't built into
an atmosphere and just flies out there, slams into a wall, and goes
squish.

A hand touched Kunren on the shoulder, defusing his imminent explosion
like a pin reinserted into a grenade. He did an about face and saw that
it was Tsumaranai who had tapped him. "Sir!" His hand flew into a
salute, a gesture of respect that left the Vice-Principal nonplussed.

"Go easy on him," Tsumaranai said in a hushed voice. "We can't afford
to risk him walking out on us. The whole pay-- er, play depends on
him."

ECB: But that's the thing, how would they get him joining an
extracuricular arrangement without having something over his head?
This is Ranma here.  Since when does Ranma ever volunteer for something
as sissy as a play without something being pushed at from any angle?
And where's Akane for this whole bit?  Or Ukyo?
ECBLogic: We sense plothole.

"He's got to learn his lines, sir."

Tsumaranai pondered for a moment, and an answer came to him. "Maybe
he doesn't."

ECB: Maybe you could have a reason for him to even be participating?
ECBGaryFan: Stop complaining and just enjoy the rant!

***

"Look," Ukyo said, "I know I agreed to pay you expenses, but I don't
have that kind of money."

ECB: But there was no such agreement on camera.  You showed it just a
scene ago.  All she agreed to do was pay him.  And why didn't she bring
that up when the whole plot was ran before her?

Tenshi smiled. "Relax, honey. You're not paying for it. Our sponsors
are."

"Sponsors?"

ECBHighSchooler: Damn, I wish my school got sponsors really fast for my
plays that were typed up in two hours and were only going to be shown
once.  That would be so cool if corporations just flung money at me for
a non-charity school event at the word of a single man with no relation
to the school.

"Yeah." He pulled out a cigarette from his pocket, but Ukyo's dirty
glare convinced him not to light up until they were outside. "I
arranged

ECB: Why?  He knows he has her hook, line, and sinker.  So why would
he care?  He was grinning a few scenes ago at basically having her
despite being scum.

it with several different companies. They give money to us, and in
exchange their products get promoted during the play. We're actually
gonna end up ahead on the deal."

ECBComedyClub: *Canned Laughter*

"We are?"

"Yeah. Well, I am, anyhow."

ECB: Then what is she needed for?  If he's so damn skilled at scamming
he can scam tons of money off of corporations for a school play, then
what's he doing wasting his time with high school students?  He's
already made more profit off of businesses than he has made off of
Ukyo.
ECBVillageIdiot: But didn't he demonstrate absolutely pathetic
conman skills just a few scenes ago?

She shrugged. "Well, I just hope it works."

"No worries." Tenshi moved to the door, holding it open for her. "If
this doesn't change your lover boy's mind, we'll do something else.
Advertising's a hit and miss game."

"Konatsu," Ukyo called up the steps. "We're going now!"

The kimono-clad transvestite zipped down the stairs. "You can count
on me to handle things here while you're at the play, Ukyo-sama!"

"Thanks," she said with a bit of an uneasy edge in her voice.
"Remember, because I won't be here cooking, I'm letting you give all
the customers a ten percent discount." She eyed him warily. "*Ten*
percent. Not *fifty* percent, not a *hundred* percent. You got that?"

ECB: I sense foreshadowing.
ECBTrekkie: I don't think Captain Kirk is going to get any this episode.

"Of course I understand what ten percent means, Ukyo-sama." He bowed.
"Enjoy your play!"

"Thanks!" Smiling and waving, she followed Tenshi out the door.

***

Ukyo watched as block after block houses rolled by past the taxi
window.

ECB: Block Houses?  What are those?  Some new Japanese Contrivance?

"Y'know, we coulda walked to Furinkan, sugar. It's not all that far."

ECB: But that wouldn't provide the incredibly lame excuse of how she
doesn't make the play!

"I don't really like walking." Tenshi puffed on his cigarette,
filling the back seat with clouds of white and gray smoke. "If I can't
go first class, I don't go. You know?"

ECB: But why is he going?  He doesn't need to be there to see it off.
He can be making money elsewhere.  He already set up the whole thing
after all.  And with the Yakuza out for him, why go somewhere he
doesn't need to be?

Ukyo replied with a noncommittal grunt, leaning her head against the
cracked-open window so that the narrow stream of fresh air blew into
her face. Why anyone would want to inhale something that smelled like
toxic waste, she couldn't fathom. At least he was doing it in the cab,
not her home. Though she'd probably have to wash her clothes right
after the play to get the smell out.

ECB: Secondly, why is she heading out with him?  Where's her own
excitment at the plan she's obviously fallen into?  Why isn't she
dashing to study lines with her Ran-chan?  Where is the intercharacter
development?  Heck, where was she at practice?!  It provides a plothole
here by it's absence given what you've already referenced.

A large, black sedan pulled past on the right. Tenshi took one look at
the driver and, with a panicked look, immediately crouched his head
down.

ECBRollerCoaster: Here we go again.

"Who was that?" Ukyo asked idly.

"Oh, nobody," Tenshi answered, his voice quavering.

"You always duck out of sight every time nobody passes?"

"I, uh, thought it looked like some guys I knew once. Some guys who I,
er, borrowed money from once, and haven't been able to pay back yet.
But it's probably not them." He chuckled nervously. "I mean, running
into those guys would be what, a million-to-one shot."

ECB: Because, instead of using his godlike scam abilities and spending
the money he already got from the whole school production to pay them
off, he instead chooses to... stay around, go off in fancy vehicles,
and do other things to draw attention to himself with the Yakuza after
him.

Tires squealing on the road, the black car U-turned and sped up as it
began to pursue the taxi. "Tenshi!" one of the men inside shouted
angrily.

ECB: Cars?  In Tokyo?  In Nerima, Tokyo?  What happened to the people
that would be out there?  Or is this some underinhabited small road
area of the Nerima ward where there are mysteriously no people around?
Mmkay!

"Okay, maybe a thousand-to-one." Tenshi knocked on the glass panel that
separated the passengers from the driver. "Hey, if I were you, I might
wanna lose those guys."

ECB: They start shooting, in broad daylight, in the middle of Tokyo?
When you've already painted the pseudo-realistic environment of cops?
They don't even try and cut the guy off?  Boy, these Yakuza either
own the city or are the stupidest bastards that've ever crossed into
the dark side of the law.

As if to punctuate the statement, a bullet whizzed by the cab's rear
view mirror.

ECB: Impressive shot.  I mean, it went past the rear view mirror,
that is always inside of the car, without breaking either the back or
front windows or causing the cabbie to piss himself from bullets flying
within a few inches of his head.  Damn fine shooting.

"Huh?" The driver's bugged-out eyes looked momentarily from side to
side, and then he slammed the accelerator pedal to the floor.

ECB: Yay, movie physics!

Acceleration-induced gravity shoved Ukyo against the back seat. "Who
the hell are they?" she snarled.

"Yakuza." Tenshi tentatively lifted himself up. "If I'da known they
were so strict about payment due dates...."

"You borrowed money from the Yakuza?!"

"Hey, I'm an entrepreneur!" Tenshi answered, regaining some degree
of dignity. "I need start-up capital. Sure I'd rather go to a bank,
but they won't give you nothin' unless you can prove that you don't
need it. Buncha crooks, they are."

ECB: Well, at least he reads somewhat correct for character here.  Have
a cookie as you continue on to the crime scene.

More bullets zinged by as the cab dodged and weaved through traffic.
Ukyo glanced up ahead. They were hurtling at breakneck speed toward
a major intersection, and her stomach tightened as she saw the light
change to red.

ECB: Tension!  Wait, that only works if you hadn't already been
foreshadowing her not dying here!  By completely failing to build up
the atmosphere for this type of scene, all of these paragraphs
of dramatic 'fright' are left powerless.  No one feels any 'fright'
from it because it's so obvious she's going to live through it.  On the
opposing side, that it might be done for comic effect, that's thrown
right out because it's clearly not written to be funny here.

She squeezed her eyelids shut. *I can't look... can't look... oh,
Ran-chan....*

Horns blared in protest as the shrill screech of cars braking filled
the air. Ukyo ducked her head, certain that any moment she'd hear the
slam of metal against metal, followed by the side door of the cab
crushing into her body, and that would be that. But the sounds of
cross-traffic receded, and she opened her eyes, surprised to see the
world still there. *Oh gods, we made it, we MADE IT!*

ECBAnti-climax: "Yay!" *waves small flag*

Then she glanced in the rear view mirror. The black car was still
behind them, approaching nearer and nearer.

ECB: She tried to angle through that instead of just looking back over
her shoulder?

"Okay," Ukyo said, rolling down the window. Enough was enough. "Turn
right at the next intersection," she told the driver as she plucked
a pair of mini-spatulas from her bandoleer.

The taxi veered to the right. Ukyo watched as the black car neared
the intersection, beginning its turn. The mini-spatulas flew from her
hand, toward the car's two right tires.

"What the--" a voice shouted from the car as it skidded, swerving
involuntarily, spinning, finally slamming into a telephone pole.

ECB: Insert unnecessary explosion in which all either die or get away
unscathed as the clearly competent police who appeared right on the
scene don't notice them!  After all, they are too busy going after Ukyo
for throwing spatulas and being in a speeding taxi to notice the
gunfire.

*That'll teach 'em,* Ukyo thought with satisfaction. Tenshi cautiously
lifted his head up and looked around, letting out a sigh of relief
which Ukyo felt as well. It was over!

Abruptly, red and blue lights flashed behind the cab. The driver pulled
over, slowing to a stop.

ECB: Because the cops are too busy pulling over the cab to check the
guys shooting guns.

A policeman emerged from the car behind and walked forward. The cab
driver offered his license. Ukyo rolled down her window. "Hi, officer.
Sorry about all that, but in case you hadn't noticed, those men in the
black car were trying to kill us."

ECB: Why is she talking first?  Have you ever encountered a cop?  No
discussion at all with the driver?  Uh huh!

"Evening, Miss," the policeman said in an all-business voice. "You were
the only passenger in the cab?"

ECBPoliceman: I cannot see the car through the open window.  It isn't
within my capabilities.

"Me and--" She glanced left just in time to see Tenshi slip out of the
cab, the door closing quietly behind him. "Er, just me and my imaginary
friend. Oyku says hello to the nice policeman."

ECB: Because car doors make no noise when they open or shut and seeing
someone in the next seat is such a difficult task.  And of course the
cab driver would say nothing.

***

"Oh, how miserable a life I lead," Ranma recited, with all the passion
and energy of a patient reading the chart at the eye doctor's office.
"If only someone could show me a better way." A chorus of sympathetic
sighs issued from the audience.

ECB: ...

Vice-principal Tsumaranai watched from backstage. "I think we're going
to get through this," he muttered for about the tenth time, thanking
the gods that he'd come up with the idea of letting Ranma read his
lines from cue cards. A stroke of brilliance if ever there was one. If
he'd had to memorize them, they'd have had to keep rehearsing for
months.

"But if I must lead such a terrible existence," Ranma continued,
"at least I have my GAME STATION! Game Station offers the finest
graphics, the most innovative and challenging games, and all at a
reasonable price. Order GAME STATION for the game lover in your family
TODAY!"

ECB: ...  This is actually sort of funny.  In fact, I'll give it the
note as the funniest part of the fic so far.  It's a pity you don't
keep it up.

A woman in the front row sniffled. "Oh, what touching drama!"

"And an enriching educational experience for our youth," the man next
to her added.

In the rafters high above, Hiroshi motioned to his friend. "Next card."

"Here ya go," Daisuke said, handing over the cardboard sheet on which
the next page of the script was written in large, bold type. "Hey,
isn't that Yuka's sister in the third row?"

Hiroshi looked. "Oh yeah. Isn't she in college now? Damn, but she
really fills out that sweater." His eyes remained glued to the sight
as he absently moved the new cue card to where Ranma would be able to
see it.

Yuka entered the stage. "What's this?" she said to Ranma with venom
in her voice. "I thought I told you to scrub the floor!"

"!noitats emaG ym toN" Ranma answered. "!t'nac uoy tuB"

ECB: Yay, backwards typing for a joke.  You couldn't have him be
realistic and just garble the line.  Nope, instead he manages to read
the backwards type perfectly.  Doing a lame joke to avoid being
creative.  What a sight!

"I don't care about the windows! I think you've been spending too much
time with that toy of yours." Yuka sneered at him. "Until you've
finished your chores, I'm taking it away."

"...em dlot uoY .tsrif swodniw eht od ot dah I" Ranma paused, looking
expectantly upward. "Yo! Hiroshi! Gimme the next card, willya?"

ECB: Suddenly, the audience does not notice.  Neither do the people
watching backstage.  Nor do the other actors respond.  Instead, the
automatic tiddlewinks robot takes over.

A voice from behind startled Tsumaranai. "Sir!"

The vice-principal turned, and had to quickly duck to avoid being
smacked in the face by Kunren's salute.

ECB: God damn it, can't you even do an over the top military gymnast
drama coach correctly?  We barely see the man on camera and he can't
even salute correctly?  Come on, if you are going to do the joke, at
least do it with some class.  We don't see him puffing around
backstage.  We don't see the odd and silly military efficiency
going around behind the play.  Instead, we get this?
ECBClown: Can I stop crying now?

"We may have a problem here, sir," he said matter-of-factly.

Tsumaranai sighed. "What now?"

"One of our dramatic personnel is currently AWOL, sir. Miss Kuonji
was due here at oh-nineteen-fifty hours and still hasn't shown up. That
makes her--"

ECB: 19:50 hours, in military time that's 8 pm.  Just setting the clock
here.  And what's with the extraneous "oh-" in reciting the time?
That's normally there for the zero, not when it's after ten O'clock.

"--over sixty hours late. Bloody--" For a moment, honorable suicide
seemed like a favorable option to Tsumaranai. "Can't we get someone
else to take the part?"

ECB: Sixty Hours?  No one noticed a lead actor being gone for sixty
hours?  3 days?  Where was she anyway?  The cops kept her... overnight?
For three nights?  And no one noticed a thing.  No one called.  No one
paid any attention.
ECBTypopolice: I think he might have meant 'six' hours, sir!
ECB: Ah, but in that case the play would be running right now at 2 am.
No school play ever runs at 2 am.  It would naturally remove 95 percent
of their customer base and designated audience to do so.  So, even if it
is a typo for six, it's still retarded.
ECB: Get your coffee!  Late Night School Play!  See it at dawn!

Kunren produced a clipboard and started scanning it. "I don't think
there is anyone else, sir. All personnel are presently accounted
for."

ECB: Uh?  Where's Akane?  And you are telling me they have FOUR people
for the entire acting crew?  They have no extras on hand?  They can't
even get one of their offstage actors into a new costume?  And... no
Ranma crew are around to mess up the play more?  You skip a prime bit
of classic Ranma comedy so you can speed along to the Ukyo bash...
real pity.

Tsumaranai's mind raced. "Wasn't there an extra stand-in for last
year's play? Some girl who showed up from out of nowhere at the last
moment?"

"Yes, sir, there was, sir."

"I don't suppose by some miracle she'd be available and willing to help
us out?"

"Yes, sir."

ECB: Why is he even answering like this when he knows that Ranma can't
play two parts on camera at the same time?  It's ridiculous to add it
as an answer.
ECBWriter: I think he's just trying to pad his fic, give it the all
important pacing he's been failing to maintain stunningly this entire time.

"Really?" Tsumaranai blinked in surprise.

"That person is right here, sir, and has no objection to participating
in this play. I know that for a fact, sir."

"All right! What's her name?"

"Ranma Saotome, sir."

Tsumaranai muttered some choice words under his breath.

"Sir, we--" He glanced down at his clipboard. "Wait, there is one other
possibility, sir. It's--"

"I don't care!" Tsumaranai blurted out, then lowered his voice to a
whisper, hoping he hadn't interrupted the actors. "Just get someone
out there. Anyone!"

ECB: He thinks of Ranma-chan BEFORE thinking of Akane?  Are you openly
trying to make this as contrived as possible?

***

Ukyo panted breathlessly as aching legs carried her up the steps and
through the backstage door. "I'm here," she managed to force out. "When
do I go on?"

"Four minutes ago," Kunren said, shooting her a dirty look.

ECBChorus: ~o/CONTRIVED!/o~
ECB: This same 'ruined' effect could've been gotten so much easier
without the Yakuza OR the six or sixty hour delay.  Simply having the
play go off as a Ranma style flop would've done it.

"Sorry," Ukyo said feebly. "Gimme half a second to change, and--"

"I'm afraid we've had to let someone else take your part," the
Vice-principal said. "I'm sorry. The show had to go on, as they say.
I know how much this role meant to you, but...."

*You don't know the half of it, buster,* Ukyo thought, then slumped
her exhausted body down into a nearby folding chair. Well, it was a
stupid idea anyhow. As if Ranma would be persuaded by being in some
silly play. She sat, listening to the voices from the other side of the
backstage curtain. Ran-chan's, and... one other. A voice that Ukyo knew
well.

ECB: You know, for irony, this fits well.

***

She took a deep breath. If she had to do this, she was going to get it
over with. Her eyes flashed toward the cue card long enough to get her

ECB: Why'd they have cue cards ready for her?  Did they write them on
the spot or something?  Surely they couldn't have been expecting
UKYO to forget her lines.

line, then back toward Ranma. "Have I not been your only true friend
through all these years?"

ECB: But why does she have to do this?  With all of this held off
camera, we can't understand these strange, out of the blue
'motivations' you are giving these characters.  It's completely
awkward.

Ranma turned his head towards the card. "Oh, what a happy day, when--"

"Not that line!" his fiancee whispered. "The one before it!"

"Can it truly be true? You must believe me! I would never ever insult
you or--"

"That one's *mine,* you blockhead!" Akane shouted. "Can't you even get
something as simple as this right?"

ECB: So why does Ranma suddenly start screwing up the lines now after
getting them right for the entire play beforehand?  In fact going so
far as to be able to fluently read them backwards as you indicated
just moments ago?  Consistency is golden!

"Um, oh yeah." He cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"You must believe me! I would never ever insult you or be rude to you."

Backstage, a certain okonomiyaki chef began banging her head against
a wall.

ECB: The audience has noticeably completely vanished at this point.
Also, I sympathize with Ukyo.  I feel like smashing my head at that
line.

***

ECB: Time notation.  It is at the earliest 2:xx am.  More likely it's
3 or 4 am unless the entire play could've been done except a couple
of scenes without the female lead there.

Ukyo's mood instantly brightened as she approached her restaurant.
A line of customers stood outside her door, extending for over a block.
Wow. She'd had no idea Konatsu's cooking was that good. Maybe she
wasn't doing any better with Ran-chan, but if business was going to be
this good from now on, she almost didn't care.

ECB: You know, the double foreshadowing doesn't work.  One of them has
to be a plothole.  Either she's of the opinion he's financially
incompetent and a fairly bad cook (thus the discount) or she's of the
opinion he's financially incompetent and an 'unknown' cook.  The second
itself is flawed inherently, and the first is contradicted by the above
paragraph.
ECBPlottrain: "Look out folks, we got another plothole in the road!"
ECB: And at this hour of the night?
ECBPlottrain:"Oh shit, the bridge is out!"

She walked in as Konatsu accepted a bill from a customer. "One
vegetable special. That's normally five hundred. With our ten percent
discount, it'll be fifty yen. Thank you, and please come again!"

ECB: Too calmly given.  Better to just recite out: "That'll be fifty
yen.  Thank you, and please come again."

Ukyo let out a muffled scream. Ten... percent... discount....

"Is something wrong, Ukyo-sama?"

"I'm sorry," she announced to the line of customers, "but the discount
is over. From now on, the food will cost you full price." The waiting
customers grumbled a bit, and most of them filed out.

ECB: Because they were only there for the discount and not the fact
they are hungry.  The fact that the price raised from two quarter
to a couple of bucks for a meal clearly makes it out of their price
range.
ECBBurgerKing: "Sir, the value meal is 5 dollars.  Not fifty cents."
ECBTownsperson: "DAMN YOU!  THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY!"

Konatsu looked back with innocent puppy-dog eyes. "Did I do something
wrong, Ukyo-sama?"

Ukyo sighed. "Look, I'm sure your heart was in the right place. You
obviously meant well, but... let me explain something."

"Yes, Ukyo-sama?"

The clang of the spatula against his head echoed through the
restaurant.

"You have such a way with words, Ukyo-sama."

Ukyo turned, and noticed Tenshi sitting at her counter, stuffing
his face. "That idea of yours turned out to be a loser, hon. And what
was that business between you and the police, anyhow?"

ECB: ACK!  Transition, man!  Save this transition!  Add in a comment
from Tenshi interrupting Ukyo's thought path to provide smooth change
between the two conversation!

"Mmm." He paused to swallow the food in his mouth, washing it down with
a swig of water. "Play didn't do the job, eh?" he said, ignoring
the second question. "No big deal."

"Oh, really?" Ukyo glared at him forcefully. If he didn't consider
the job she was supposedly paying him for a big deal, there wasn't
much point in continuing the arrangement. Maybe she would just give the
police a quick call and let them take care of things.

ECB: Uh... why would she need to?  She could just show him the door.
She's not paid him anything and he's already turned a profit for the
whole endeavor, so why would there be a particular reason for him to
complain?
ECBUkyo: "I know, why don't we play cloak and dagger?"

"Yeah," he said, unperturbed. "There's plenty more to try."

"What did you have in mind?" she asked cautiously.

*Just show him the door,* some voice within her was screaming,
but she couldn't bring herself to do it. The kind of stupidly carefree
self-confidence that he had somehow made it nearly impossible not to
believe in him. And who did that mean the stupid one was?

ECB: But... you haven't shown this in the story at all!  You've shown
him being cowardly, ready to head for the door, idly slacking off...
but carefree confidence?  You haven't demonstrated that!  Heck, he
doesn't even come across as confident here!
ECBTenshi: Just because my plan hideously backfired is no reason to think 
that I'm incompetent!

Okay, she'd give him another chance for now. As distasteful as it was
to be working with a person like this, she had to admit she needed
the help that he might be able to provide. If there was *any* chance
that he might be able to sway Ran-chan towards her favor, she *had*
to take it. Nothing else mattered.

ECB: Why in the world is she so desperate?  Is this after the wedding
or some sort of event in which we'd expect this sort of desperate
attitude?  And hell, as far as we can tell she's not even been hanging
around Ranma at all due to spending all her time with Tenshi plotting.
ECBTimeline: Time, Time, Time, what has become of ye?

"Well." He set his plate and glass onto the countertop, looking her

ECB: She can afford plates now?  Darn, with all these failures and
loses she's moving up in the world!

directly in the eyes. "I think it's time we went negative."

ECB: Try once.  Fail.  NEVER EVER TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN!
ECBWinner: Well, I tried posing for model shots to boost my PR, but it
didn't work.  Now I just beat my rivals up with a steel bat.  I'm
COOLIES!
ECB: Anyhow, we assume here they are going over the 'evil plans' that
are presented in the following scenes.  You don't hold it on camera,
which is perfectly fine, but you lead the reader to assume by context
that they are discussing the 'negative' plans here.  Just noting for later,
Konatsu is apparently standing RIGHT THERE next to them when they start this
discussion.

***

A voice answered the telephone. "This is Dr. Tanaka. How can I help
you?"

"I'm calling to report a person who I believe to be mentally ill and
dangerous," Tenshi said. "Someone who I think might need to be
restrained, for her own safety as well as others'." *And to scare her
pretty-boy fiance right into the arms of my client so I can get paid,*
he added to himself.

ECBOblivious: I wonder who this could be.  Shampoo?  Who he hasn't
bothered to check up on since going there once?  Kodachi?  Who hasn't
been shown on camera all fic?
ECBWiseass: Nope, it's MYSTERY GIRL A----!

"What makes you think this person might have an illness?"

"Well, she, um, hits people. Especially this guy who she's engaged
to. She's always accusing him of cheating with other women, with no
real cause, and beating him up for it." Or so Ukyo had said. Tenshi,
of course, had no idea whether it really was that bad, and couldn't
care less. Like any other good contractor, his policy was "Don't ask,
don't tell." All that mattered was getting this doctor out to the
Tendos'.

ECB: "That's not a conman, I tell you!  It's a Chicken!"

"I see. Do you suppose this, er, friend, of yours would be willing
to testify to what you said?" His emphasis on "friend" made it clear
what he really thought, which was fine with Tenshi; it'd just make it
that much more likely that his story would be believed.

ECB: "A GIANT CHICKEN!"

"Um, no, I don't really think so."

"Okay. That'll make it a bit more difficult for us to proceed, but we
can send someone over to investigate. Where does the young lady in
question live?"

"Nerima. Near Furinkan... hello? HELLO?!" The dial tone buzzed in his
ear.

ECB: Problem.  If the medical industry won't touch Nerima, then why is
the police there?  You'd think it would either be classified an area
that both work in normally or not.  It's strange to see one go in
boldly while the other won't even touch the place.

Okay, he thought, Plan A goes down the shithole. No problem. We'll just
go with Plan B....

ECB: Plan Z3|\||_4|\/|3 goes down the shithole.  No problem.  We'll
just repeat it.

***

Kasumi slid open the door. "Oh. Why, hello!"

"Good affternoon, Madam." The man with the thick black glasses and
moustache offered a business card. "My name is Doctor Heinrich Tenshi.
I am a psychiatrist. You haff vun Akane Tendo living here, no?"

ECB: Yay for the Quack Doctor scene.
ECBCharacterConsistency: Hey, what happened to Mr. Observant
who took the time to heavily scope out everyone in context of
a possible mark?  He rates Ukyo as a superbabe but none of
the Tendos get a second look?  Not even as a possible con mark?
YELLOW CARD, INTERNAL INCONSISTENCY!

"No. I mean, yes. We do." Kasumi let out an embarrassed giggle. "A
psychiatrist? How interesting! Would you like some tea? I can tell you
what I think the leaves look like. That's always such a fun game."

"No thank you, Madam." He stepped inside, hefting a rather large
briefcase. "I vould like to deescuss vith you certain reports that haff
reached my desk concerning zis Miss Tendo."

"Certainly," Kasumi said. "Won't you come wait in the living room? I'll
go see if Father is available."

***

The portable film projector chattered noisily as it dispensed its
images onto the wall of the Tendo living room. The occupants of the
house gaped in muted shock as one proverbial train wreck after another
unfolded before their eyes.

"Oh my gods, Ranma... this is horrible! Look at all the blood!"

"C'mon, Akane, it's just a movie. Whoa! I didn't know you could do
*that* with a regular kitchen knife."

ECB: Where'd he get the films?  Man, for a guy who can't manage shit
with the docs, he sure can get obscure medical films easily.
ECBMangarules: And where are his own problems?  I mean sheesh, if you
are going to apply manga rules to Ukyo's actions here, why not to his
as well?  Where is his wacky adventures?  It'd be quirky!

"Oh my. Oh my."

"All a matter of practice and technique, boy. Right, Tendo?"

"Undoubtedly, Saotome. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to *urp* use the
rest room for just a moment."

"Oh my."

Black and white frames flashed by in rapid succession, signaling
the end of the film. The lights came on. "I hope zis vill impress
you mit ze zeriousness of zis matter," the doctor said. "Zese patients
you saw vere all sufferink from a rare, incurable mental illness
named... er, illness zat ve haffen't come up mit a name for yet. Most
of ze time, zey may appear to be perfectly normal. Zen, vun day, ze
illness flares up, und

ECB: This really is in poor taste.  Zen might cheerfully take the jabs
at him, but they shouldn't be there and aren't funny.  Neither is the
mockery of a real mental disorder.  This is twice you've relied on
utilizing Zen's fics as your scenario writing.  It could be called
just idle good natured punning at him, but you really only have those
two major plot points in your story.  You don't take the time to show
any major scenario point (And you have plenty of opportunity to, so
there is no excuse) other than the ones that are derived solely from
making puns on Zen's writing.  You can call it whatever pretty terms
you'd like, but in the end, it's frankly obvious what inspired you to
write this.  As well as what it deserves to be called...
ECBLamebus: *BEEP BEEP*

BANG!" Akane flinched noticeably. "Ve got vun more candidate for ze
funny farm, und probably zeveral for ze morgue."

ECB: And he determined this would be a workable method without even
scouting out the dojo ever before?  I know!
ECBTenshi: I'm PSYCHIC!

"Oh, c'mon, Akane." Ranma swatted her upper back. "You ain't some kinda
psychotic maniac. Okay, so you're violent, and tomboyish, and you get
mad at every little joke, and... um, I forgot what point I was trying
to make here."

Her hand balled up into a fist, and then fell to her side as her head
dropped down.

"Look, what I mean is, um...." Ranma stared across the room at the
doctor, who was conversing with Mr. Tendo. "Hey, doesn't he look
familiar? I swear I've seen him someplace before."

ECBRanma: I can't remember my lines but a guy who said nothing and was
just a random customer I saw for maybe two minutes, I can recognize
on the spot!

"Ran-chan, you'd better listen to what he has to say!" said Ukyo, who
had come in with Konatsu while the film was running. "Akane needs
help!"

ECB: Why?  And who is tending her shop?  And what reason is Konatsu
there?  What possible reason would Konatsu be accompanying her for
this?

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "Don'tcha think it's weird, this guy showing
up here all the sudden? I think there's something fishy going on here."

ECB: Congratulations for being slow?  The whole lack of Tendo reactions
by this point rings weird.  They suddenly became background?  Saotome
vanished?  Nabiki and Kasumi became dolls?

"Well, it wasn't 'all of the sudden.'" Ukyo paused, as if struggling
with some inner conflict. "*I* called him."

ECB: ...I sense lameness.

"You did?" Ranma scratched his head. "How come?"

She threw her arms open. "Ran-chan, I'm *shocked* to find out that
there's *hitting* going on here!"

ECB: Why?  She's whammied him good before.  So has everyone else.
What's the point of the drama?
ECBMafia: "I smell a setup."

"Ranma? Akane?" Mr. Tendo called from across the room. "I think you
should hear what this doctor just told me." They walked over, leaving
Ukyo and Konatsu behind.

"You called someone about Akane, Ukyo-sama?" Konatsu asked innocently.

ECB: But he was there!  He was standing right next to her when she
started her conversation about doing negative attacks on Akane!
Konatsu might be naive, but come on, this level of stupidity is awe
inspiring.

"Yes, I did," she answered with what attempted to sound like
conviction. "Don't think... don't think what you're thinking!"

ECB: Um, did you forget the scene right above, where he was left
standing in the tiny restaurant with the two of them when they started
discussing doing this?

He blinked. "What I'm thinking?"

"Look," she said. "I'm only doing what *any* good friend would do. This
is not some attempt to scare Ranma away from Akane. She has a real
problem! You've seen the way she hits Ranma, haven't you?" He nodded.
"She needs *help!* And if I didn't help her *get* that help, what kind
of friend would I *be?*"

ECB: Why's she bothering to explain it like this?  Oh, wait, I know!
ECBUkyo: *puts on fake mustache*  Mwahahahah, it is now time to reveal
my EVIL PLANS NOW THAT NO ONE CAN STOP ME!

Understanding seemed to dawn in Konatsu's eyes. "I-- I never saw it
that way before!" He nodded deferentially. "Thank you for explaining
it to me, Ukyo-sama."

ECB: I'd like to say the fic snowballs into badness from here, but
really the concept isn't that flawed.  It's simply that the execution
is ridiculous and retarded.  It snowballed from somewhere in the first
scene really and by now not even the best writing could really salvage
this fic from a Make Sense perspective.

Ukyo smiled at him. Turning away, she drifted over to where the others
were talking.

"Now I am zure zat zis vill be a difficult experience for novun morezo
zen ze young voman's fiance," the disguised Tenshi said. "But zis boy
is obviously made of strong stuff." He slapped Ranma on the back. "Most
people, vhen faced vith ze reality of zis horrible illness, vould be
out ze door at ze first chance. Many of zem vould deem it stupid,
insane, even suicidal to even conzider remaining together mit zeir
afflicted bride. But zis lad hass ze integrity, ze character, to remain
loyal to his bride-to-be, even vhen it means his zertain death!"

ECB: ...

Akane's mouth opened as if about to retort. Abruptly, she turned away
and stormed out the sliding door.

ECB: ...

"Hey!" Ranma called after her. He followed before Ukyo could say
anything, flashing Tenshi a dirty look on the way out.

ECB: ...X_X

"I must be goink. Sir? My card." Tenshi reached over to hand Soun a
business card. "Please call me und schedule an appointment vor ze young
lady."

ECB: He had a business card made up for it?  Why?  There's no point
for it.

***

Akane didn't turn around, "Just leave me alone. Okay?"

"Dammit, Akane... you're just lettin' that guy get to you. I mean,
yeah, okay, you hit people. So what? I mean, it don't make any
difference. Not really."

ECB: So, for a brilliant plot, you have Ukyo toss a little thing that
gives Ranma the chance to heroically forgive Akane?  And Ukyo
demonstrates the observation skills of a dead 2 year old?

"How do you know that?" she said, her voice cracking slightly.

"Well, because you may be violent, but you know your own limits. You
hit me, yeah, but never hard enough to actually do any serious damage,
and

ECBManga: *coughs* Really now?

never will."

ECB: Come on.  Who'd you replace Ranma with for this sort of
sentimental hogwash without any prodding?

She grunted unintelligibly. A carp splashed through the surface of the
pond in front of them, then dove back down into the water.

"Look, I'll prove it to you." Grabbing her by the shoulders, he spun
her around to face him. "Hit me. Right now. C'mon. As hard as you
like."

"I'm not in the mood," she huffed.

"Yes, you are." He fingered his chin. "C'mon. Right here. I can take
it."

"I said no!"

"Tomboy."

"What did you say?!"

"I said, you're a flat-chested tomboy with zero sex appeal. You got a
problem with that?" He smirked. "Oh, and your cooking is toxic waste.
Now whaddaya gonna do about it, huh?"

For a moment, everything was silent. Then a predatory smile crept onto
Akane's lips. "What am I going to do about it?" she repeated, taking
a single step toward him. "Here's what."

Ranma grinned. He was going to get what he asked for.

ECB:... Ugh.  Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.  Mind keeping your S&M fantasies out of a
fic?

***

Ukyo stepped outside, nearly bumping into a crumpled mess of human
flesh that, an instant later, she recognized. "Ran-chan! Oh my gods!
Are you... are you all right?"

ECB: Because violence of that caliber is completely silent and she
wouldn't even watch the whole line of events and had such reason to
stay in the house?

"I'm fine," he mouthed as he stumbled inside. "Fine and dandy."

She shook her head, briefly considering running in after him, but
decided against it and headed back home. She had to give him time. If
this didn't make him see things Tenshi's way, then what would?

ECB: Could you make her a little more oblivious?  I don't quite think
she's surpassed fanon Kasumi yet.

It took only a few minutes for her to arrive at her restaurant,
with Tenshi following wordlessly behind her. A police van stood parked
outside it. The officer in the driver's seat looked up through the
opened window as she approached. "Ms. Kuonji?"

ECB: Damn, police are fast in that town.  And a whole van just for a
call of domestic disturbance?

"Yes, I'm Ukyo Kuonji. Can I help you, officer?" Ukyo cast a glance
behind her; predictably, there was no sign of Tenshi.

ECB: Why would there be?  He clearly left way before she did.  You
haven't desc'ed him into the scene at all.  Did she expect him to pop
out of nowhere because there was a police officer hanging outside
her shop?

The door on the passenger side opened, and another officer came out.
"Ma'am, we're here investigating some reported domestic abuse."

Ukyo smiled. "Oh, great! I thought you weren't going to show up at
all!" Her voice lowered to a whisper. "I hope you can get Akane the
help she needs."

ECB: Why is Ukyo so retarded here?  If she actually called them, she'd
know.  And she'd have given them Akane's address, not hers.  And if a
single call is enough, why wouldn't they have shown up well before
the doctor at the Tendo's?  Gah.
ECBReferree: Red Flag.  This whole scene is a giant logic hole that
requires Ukyo to have the brain activity of a corpse.

"Akane?"

Ukyo eyed the officer warily. "Akane. You know, the person committing
the domestic abuse? Not that it's anything she can help, of course...."

"Ma'am," the officer said in the just-the-facts tone that police
usually used, "the complaint isn't against an 'Akane.'"

"It isn't? Then who's it against?" But the stern gaze of the officer
answered her question. "Me? But who--"

"The complaint was filed by a Mr. Konatsu, ma'am. I'm going to have to
ask you to come with us."

ECB: From where?  He's still at the Tendo's last you described him.
What did he do, ask to use the Tendo's phone to call the police to send
them to Ukyou's restaurant and then arrive there before her?  Or, as I
suspect, did you forget that you had the discussion between them just
minutes ago at the Tendo's, leaving no reasonable frame of time for
Konatsu to both call the cops, explain everything, and get to her
restaurant before her with said cops.
ECBDBZ: Now Konatsu, you must use your instant transmission technique
to make sure the EVIL SUPERVILLAIN UKYO gets her just desserts!
ECBLogic: And sadly, this could all be fixed with just a timeskip
and holding the events a few days later in her restaurant.  Though,
that would still leave the problem of it being horrifically unrealistic
for cops to arrest someone for that type of crime on one phone call.

"By-- you have to be kidding!" Ukyo shouted as the police ushered
her into the back of the van. "Konatsu!" The door slammed shut, and the
already-running engine shifted into gear. "KONATSU!"

ECB: Konatsu's idea of help is sending her to the police?  He knows
of the police, even?  ERROR!  Additionally, if one was going to be
somewhat realistic in consequences, like this pretends to be, there'd
be an investigation first.  A single phone call is not actually enough
to do more than get a single officer to examine the situation.
Konatsu, lacking any physical bruises or signs of abuse, would be
completely ignored in such an investigation.  Police need things like
evidence to arrest someone, you know!
ECBClown: Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk.  Wish you hadn't made those earlier serious
scenes for context now dontcha!

>From the window above, Konatsu watched the van recede down the road.
"I'm sorry, Ukyo-sama. I haven't been a very good friend to you before
now. But I will be, from now on."

ECBFormatting: This is why one reads ones fics again when reposting
them from a mailbox.  It helps catch stuff like Unix mailbox errors.
ECB: And god is this pathetic self-righteous diatribe.

***


Stepping out from cover, Tenshi uttered some choice words. How could
everything have gone so wrong? His client was in police custody,
and her transvestite ninja cook would probably run her restaurant
into the ground before she got out. Not only that, her pretty-boy
friend is still with his other girl -- in fact they were probably
closer than ever.

It all pointed to a very clear lesson:

ALWAYS insist on payment in advance.

ECB: But, he already got money.  A fair bit, as you indicated above
during the play scene.  This guy is an extremely annoying new character
in context.  He basically comes in, arranges circumstances so that Ukyo
is out of the way and Ranma and Akane are set up in a fashion that
basically already places them as beyond the frame of reasonable
doubt.  The other two fiancees don't even show up.
ECBPatternRecognition: Beep, Boop, Beep, Boop.  Pattern Detected:
Ukyo Bash Fic!

He'd be sure to remember that with his next client.

***

A silent, steady rain drizzled down from under a prematurely gray sky.
Ranma followed his usual route to school, soaked-through blotches
of shirt clinging to his female body, while Akane walked below, the
small umbrella she carried keeping her completely dry.

"It's been pretty quiet around here lately," she observed.

ECB: So no one even notices?
ECBRanma: Well yeah, I used to head to the Ucchan's for lunch
and snacks and such but not anymore, so I never noticed Ukyo missing!

"Yeah, I s'pose so. Shampoo's taking her dad on a tour of Japan before
he goes back home. Dunno where everybody else is."

ECB: Uh.  Why is she even brought up in the fic then beforehand?
Ukyou wouldn't know that she wasn't even around to compete with for
what must have been weeks?  It was a pointless write in.

Ranma stepped onto the next section of fence top, and his foot slipped
involuntarily forward. His arms and legs flailed about wildly for a
moment. Then, balance regained, he continued along as usual.

ECB: Yay for irrelevant action filler!

"Y'know, I still wonder about that doctor who showed up a couple days
ago," he said. "I could swear I saw him at Ucchan's last week, only
without the glasses."

ECB: So wait, this whole fiasco only took a week?  The writing of the
play, the acquiring of funds, the getting the play on, the practicing
for the play, the actual performance (inclusive of 'sixty hour delay'),
and this all took place in seven days?
ECBTimeline: Damn, I'd like to live in a land where time moves THAT slowly.

"It was probably just someone who looked like him, that's all."

"Maybe." He hopped down to the ground. "Anyhow, he's gone now, so I
guess it don't matter."

ECB: Why is this scene even here?  As you state below, this is supposed
to be a comedy.  You make it read like some tragedy with this last
scene.

***

The young man in the martial arts outfit nodded. "Very well. In truth,
I like not to trust my important business to underlings, but you have
convinced me of your worth. How soon can you start?"

"Right away." Tenshi shook the man's hand. "You've made a wise
decision, Mr. Kuno. With me working for you, that pig-tailed girl will
be *begging* to date with you in *no* time."

ECB: I personally must say these last two paragraphs are the best part
of the fic.  It's a superior base to write a comedy from and more
conceivable in every sense of the word.  It's a pity you didn't write
the fic this hints of instead of the rail-roaded disaster you did
write.


AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yes, I'm actually releasing a finished fic. Yay. :)

ECB: Yay, I'm actually done with this fic! ;P

This one was written piecemeal at various Sunday night hour writing
challenges on the FFIRC, though I did revise and add some material
after getting to the end.

ECB: And I must say, it really shows.  You'd think an author who'd
written so much fanfiction would know the importance of having a clean
eye go through it after writing stuff.  Especially if it was done in
piecework, as this fic clearly was.  There are obviously several scenes
that were done based on memories of what you 'thought' you wrote,
without actually taking the time to make sure you remembered to write
it.


Probably not my best comedy work, but I hope it was good for a laugh.
Please let me know what you thought.

ECB: That we do rather well!

The character Tenshi was inspired by Stuart Margolin's "Angel" on "The
Rockford Files," hence his name -- though as I started plotting the
story, Tenshi developed in a somewhat different direction.

ECB: You know, while I'm not familiar with the source, I went ahead
and found someone who was.  Turns out they couldn't really see much
similarity at all in the character.  Combine this with the fact Tenshi
regularly pulls knowledge out of his head that he hasn't been told yet
and it reads quite like a bad SI.

For those interested, other work I've got in progress right now
includes the long-delayed chapter six of Hearts and Minds, and another
comedy one-shot, "The Master's Underthings."

*END ECB*

Okay, thank God that's done.  I don't know what I was really expecting
when I accepted this submission but I was kind of hoping that, given
the notoriety of the author, at least I'd be able to give a B or so
within the Make Sense school.  Unfortunately, I was doomed to be
disappointed here.  Running through it, I was repeatedly stunned by the
stuff just flat out forgotten when writing this fic.  It receives
an F within the Make Sense school.  It is in desperate need of
revision, both to hone the comedy and far more importantly to have it
Make Sense.  Dropping the ugly reliance on smacking Zen's fics would
also go a far ways to cleaning the whole thing up.



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