Lavender Gaia wrote:
Hello all. First time posting here. Any C&C is welcome, whether
private or public.
Righty-o.
Since I've (obviously) never C&Ced for you before, here goes the
standard disclaimer on my C&C:
My comments and suggestions are just that; comments and suggestions.
Hopefully they help you, but if you don't find them helpful, then ignore
them. Or ignore me! Most people do, anyway. ;)
This fic is finished, and you can find the rest of the chapters on
fanfiction.net under the same title, under the pseudonym of Lavender
Gaia. I'm posting it here so I can get more comments to help me
become a better writer. ^_^
And hopefully revise anything that we comment on, hmm?
Title: Ill
Chapter 1: What's Wrong With Ranma?
Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma �. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
any other companies that bought it rights to it. Do not sue me, I
spend enough money on the products already.
'They' -- 'The cast and characters of...'?
Akane Tendo looked at her fiance who was walking on top of a fence on
their way home from school. It had been a pretty normal day all
around, but Akane could sense something was different. There was
something bothering Ranma, yet she couldn't put her finger on it. He
had been acting differently the last few days, but today was the one
to top it off, when she had really noticed the weird feeling that
seemed to surround Ranma.
Alrighty.
The first sentence needs some commas.
fiance who -- fiance, who
This paragraph, really, is a very flat delivery. This can work, in some
situations, but the way it's set up here, it just feels kind of... well,
flat.
I suppose the 'why' for this is that you're just telling us what's
going on, instead of writing a first sentence/paragraph that really
draws us the readers in. Maybe you could start by describing this scene,
exactly as Akane sees it? It might be more poigniant if we can see this
through her eyes. Maybe a slightly slower gait across the top of the
fence, maybe a slight distractedness to him, or maybe even a tired look
about him -- how you go about it is up to you, but as it is, it's got to
have a better hook to snag a reader in.
His actions proved it. Instead of kicking Kuno way up in the sky that
morning, he had punched him into a nearby tree, with out as much
power or accuracy as normal. When Shampoo glomped onto him during
lunch, he gently pulled her off and reminded her of her deliveries
for the Cat Caf�. Normally, he would have screamed and yelled, but he
was dry and cold, yet polite. One of the most surprising things had
happened after Shampoo left. He refused Ukyo's offer of three or four
okonomiyakis, and didn't even eat half of he lunch, both of which he
could usually polish off in record time. Even that wasn't the most
surprising thing of the day. The final thing that had sent her over
the edge was eerie, shocking Akane.
with out as -- without as
And how can the accuracy be less than normal? Normally he throws Kuno
up to the sky, right? That's a pretty hard target to miss (for a
Ranma-verse martial artist). ;) Unless you're saying he missed the sky
and Kuno hit the tree?
Does Ranma yell and scream when Shampoo grabs onto him? I seem to
recall him just twitching and panicking until he gets whalloped. (My
memory is not at the best, just now, though, so....)
I'd start a new paragraph with 'One of the...', but I can't say why I
would do so.
of he lunch -- of the lunch (?) Maybe 'his'?
Sent her over what edge? I'd move this final sentence either to the
begining of the next paragraph, or to make it its own paragraph, if you
want to have that dramatic pause there.
Ranma had not insulted her all day. He hadn't called her uncute,
tomboy; he didn't insult her cooking or her femininity. He had called
her Akane or nothing at all. He wasn't her normal rude self and she
was worried.
Why is the narrator calling the reader a tomboy? ;)
her uncute, tomboy -- her an uncute tomboy
Though, if you're trying to list things, then:
...her uncute, a tomboy, and he didn't insult...
her Akane or nothing -- her 'Akane,' or nothing...
Or (I would suggest): her by her name, or...
"Ranma?" She asked hesitantly. "Are you all right?" He looked down
from his perch and smiled sadly at her.
Unless Akane is a god, than the 'she' should be lower case when it's
being led into from dialogue.
So:
Ranma?" She -- Ranma?" she
I would also move Ranma's reaction down into the paragraph with his
dialogue. It isn't speech, so I suppose it's not required. However, I
think it would flow better.
"I'm fine, Akane. Sorry about what Shampoo did earlier. You had every
right to hit me. Are you mad at me?" He ignored the look of alarm
that appeared on her face.
How is he ignoring the look of alarm? Is he looking away from her and
pretending not to see it? Or is it more that he's looking at her and not
reacting to it? This one, I'm just having a little trouble following. I
can see it as the second one more easily, but....
"Who are you and what have you done with Ranma? Copycat Ken, that
better not be you. Or else..." She brandished her mallet, holding it
up so he could see it.
else..." She -- else...." She (An elipses that terminates a sentence
should contain four periods, not three)
"Akane it really is me. Come on, we should get home before they start
worrying about us. I have a lot of homework too, and I want to get
started. He walked towards the dojo, leaving her there, jaw hanging
wide open.
There should be a comma after any form of proper adress, if memory
serves. Hence:
"Akane it really -- "Akane, it really
homework too -- homework, too
"Akane," Kasumi began, "Would you go wake up Ranma? Mr. Saotome said
that he should be still sleeping, and had requested last night that
this mornings practice be skipped."
Is there some form of scene transition I missed here? It looks like
Kasumi just popped into the road where they were walking.
began, "Would -- began, "would
mornings practice -- morning's practice
It was the next morning at the Tendo dojo. Everyone was concerned
about Ranma, especially his loss of appetite. Genma had actually been
a good father for once, and let him sleep without a morning fight.
"Sure Kasumi, I'll go get him," Akane told her older sister, walking
up the stairs. I wonder what is wrong with Ranma. He is acting really
strange. She opened the door to the Saotome's room, calling inside,
"Hey, Sleeping Beauty, it's time to wake up."
Woah. I see what happened here, but it's probably better to describe
the scene shift before the scene begins.
the Saotome's -- the Saotomes'
Akane gasped at the site of the site of him, now that his torso was
only covered with a tank top, and the blanket had fallen off his
chest. "Dad, Mr. Saotome, Kasumi, Nabiki! Everyone come quick!"
site -- sight
She calls for everyone, instead of just Kasumi (who is logically the
most medically knowledgable person there)?
As the sound of a thundering stampede came up the stairs as Mr.
Tendo, Mr. Saotome and Kasumi appeared in the bedroom. "What is it?"
Ranma asked, startled at the crowds reaction.
As a rule, you probably want to limit the number of times you use the
word 'as' in a single sentence. Why not just drop the first 'as'?
crowds -- crowd's
"Oh, my!"
Nabiki: Ooh, a Minky Momo tatoo.
"Boy, what happened to you?" Genma raged as Soun began to sob.
I think Soun's sobbing might work better in a separate sentence.
"I don't know! Tell me what is going on." Ranma was confused. This
wasn't normal, even for the dojo's standards. Why were they all
looking at him so funny?
"Ranma," Said the newest spectator as everyone remained speechless,
each trying to tell him. Nabiki Tendo leaned on the hallway wall,
before walking into the room and kneeling before him. "Look at you
arms."
Ranma," Said -- Ranma," said
spectator as -- spectator, as
(How are they trying to tell him, if they're speechless?)
wall, before -- wall before
you arms -- your arms
(He didn't even look at himself with everyone staring at him?)
He glanced down and gasped at the site. Nabiki crossed her own arms
and smirked. "Ranma, you have the chicken pox."
site -- sight
A/N: Ranma never seems to get sick or hurt (except for one little
story arc), so I had to put this in. But can a disease beat the
invincible Ranma Saotome? Questions, comments, reactions, and C & C
are greatly appreciated to either the ML or lavendergaia@yahoo.com
Hmm.
Well, it's a premise I don't think I've seen before, for what that's
worth. However, this chapter is short. REALLY short.
This is about spamfic length, and it feels almost like a spamfic
because of that -- as though you had arranged a punch-line... which
falls flat. Ranma has chicken pox? But where's the joke, it doesn't seem
to have affected him that much yet.
Well, regardless, good luck to you, I hope that what I've done helps,
and if you post more of this story, I'll probably C&C it. (I seem to be
oweing quite a bit of C&C, at the moment... >_<)