hkmiller wrote:

I liked this.  Some horror at Soun's actions, but his feelings also rang a
bell for me.  I remember being young enough to mistake feelings like

'love',

or to actually have such feelings towards inappropriate people, and being
unable to control them...

Yep. Part of human nature many people go through. Glad the story rings true
for some people.

...but the tone was as different as night is to day. I also quickly came

to the conclusion that here,
such would be good at this part of the 'Things.' So don't expect much in

the way of humor in

this one...

Boy, I'll say.  This tone switch is quite radical.

So was Abenobashi. I still hold it's necessary.

By now they
should have developed pills that could grant a person knowledge rather

than

forcing them to go through the hassle of actually learning the material.
What good was the future if they didn't make useful things?

Heh.  Like this; "the future isn't what it used to be".

Got that right. :)

more than woman enough to eat the apology. "An outstanding selection of
food. Lead on."

I found the use of "selection" odd here, given that Kasumi only mentioned
one dish.  It reads like Kachiko is complimenting a plural.  How about
"choice"?  Or leaving off "of food"?

Will change to 'choice'

Soun pulled out a cigarette and lit up. "That's because she didn't behave
the same way around you girls that she did around others. She always

acted

by a different standard for your sakes. She wanted to make sure you were

How about "acted to a different standard"?  "By" reads funny to me.

now reads. 'She always acted differently around you for your sakes.'

decorated the dresser the mirror was attached to. Not that Minato needed

any

of them, in Soun's opinion. He felt she used too much, but she insisted

on

it, saying a body that had as much wear as hers needed something to mask

its

mileage.

My immediate reaction:  "eewww."

Just an indication that she's older than him and she openly admits it.

"I'll see you the day after tomorrow, same time," Soun promised. He went
through his pocket, removed his wallet, and placed a wad of bills on the
dresser.

And here I had a double "eewww" reaction.  Her profession is clear, but
he's been thinking in terms of love.  Part of my reaction is that he's
still in high school, of course, though in other times, other places,
he's well beyond the age to be doing this.

Most teenagers are. Come to think of it, a lot of adults are too.  ^_^

This was the part he hated about relationships (even if this was the

first

serious one he had ever been in).

Heh.  Interesting definition of a "serious relationship".  Sad, really,
with a touch of horror.  Especially coupled with the bit about him not
understanding her.

Well, men don't really understand women. Just certain facets about some of
them.

"Hey, easy there, Arisugawa."

Interesting choice of premarital family name for Soun; related to Juri?

No. Just the first one that sprang to mind when I was looking for a last
name.

over her. You're acting like she's your girlfriend or something. Since

I'm

your friend, it's my duty to set you back on reality. She is not your
girlfriend. You pay her money to sleep with her."

Exactly.  With some families, Soun's father would be saying this.
Soun doesn't have enough of a relationship with his father to allow
his father that role, and he isn't listening to Genma, sadly.
Although it's not as though the outcome was any great tragedy (so far).

Well, we do have the foreknolwdge of how things end up, we just don't know
how it came to this. It's sort of a drawback to stories of this type.

"But it's not exactly like that with you," Genma pointed out. "It's not

as

if there's someone you're involved with."

Soun scowled at him.

Heh.  Put his foot in it, didn't he?

More like Genny's not regarding it as a consideration. Still, he ultimately
back his friend, no matter how stupid he may be. Should mirror their adult
relationship to some degree.

Besides, if he kept their contact to
the days she usually worked, he wouldn't have to worry about her being

with

other men.

If that sentence is what you actually meant, then Soun at some level
knows he's
fooling himself:  that she was lying about her day off.

Not really. He believes what she says. He's saying that if he only meets her
during her 'working days' she won't be working with someone other than him.

The emotions I have
when we're together, it's like nothing I've ever felt before, and I can't
help but think you feel the same way I do.

But he hasn't bothered to ask her if she feels the same way; he just
assumes.
Sad.

Well, many people do that in this sort of situation. Both genders.

Minato waved her glass in his direction. "Some young kid starts getting a
regular piece of ass for the first time in his life and right away

mistakes

it for that 'true love' crap.

Suggest "it for true love."

She's being deliberatly scathing.

  Actually, I think you are varying in this

scene in how you portray Minato.

Yep, I am. It's intentional. More on it later.

At the beginning, she seems bitter and

cynical, as here; later on, she seems more caring, almost a "hooker with
a heart of gold".  I think the scene works better the latter way, myself:
she cares for him a bit, but not enough, and is trying her best to let
him down as gently as she can.

becoming one of compassion. "Look, I'm going to do you a favor. You're a
sweet guy, and really deserve something nice to come along. I'm not going

to

string you along like a lot of other girls would do in my position. I'm
cutting you off. No more sex. No more contact. We'll put this behind us

as

serious miscommunication and leave it at that. Trust me, it's for the

best."

This is actually the best thing she can do here, even if Soun can't see

it.

which he obviously isn't going to be able to do now. Most broken hearted
people become highly irrational, especially at first.

As she says, she IS being compassionate here.  But it's an odd mix of
compassionate and cynical; I don't feel I get her.  Again, might work
better with less cynicism.  Or might not, too:  maybe have her start out
a bit more compassionate, and have the cynicism just creep through now
and then?

More should become clear later.

It was over. Just like that. All of his hopes, his dreams of a lifetime

of

happiness were washed away in a span of less than five minutes. How could

he

have been so wrong? How could he have misread the signs so badly? He was

so

certain they had shared something special, something that only came along
once in a lifetime, if that. But instead it was all a lie. A fantasy.

Minato

was correct. He was a gullible, lovestruck teenager who had wanted to
believe in something greater than himself so badly that he had gouged his
own eyes out to blind himself from the reality.

Redundant:  "teenager" and the rest of the sentence.  ;)

Heh. True. but he's being overly emotional now.

Despite that knowledge, even when he went over everything in his mind,

Soun

couldn't point to a single moment where he should have seen through

Minato's

deception.

How about the point when you paid her money for sex?  (rolls eyes)

Yes, well, he doesn't count that little detail. Amazing how that happens
when you're in love with someone.

How could she have woven a tapestry of illusion so flawlessly
that even in hindsight he couldn't see past it? Was he as stubborn as his
parents, refusing to accept an obvious truth?

Yes to the latter.  Actually, amusing that he can even think in terms of
"a tapestry of illusion".  He has it bad.

Yep. This is his first love. Just an odd choise is all, but we never really
get to choose who to fall in love with: that would be too easy.

And even if all she had said was true, he couldn't understand her callous
disregard for his feelings. Even if they weren't reciprocated, why had

she

been so casual in all but destroying him? She was a caring woman,

somewhat

cynical, but he had seen her go out of her way to be kind to others, even
total strangers.

And after all that, he can't even look at the scene he just went through
objectively.  She DID do her best to let him down gently.

Yep. That's true. Firm but gentle.

As Soun started down the stairs, there was a loud noise behind him,
originating from Minato's apartment. It sounded like glass breaking as it
was hurled against something hard.

Hmmm... first time through, I thought this was a fight with the gentleman
visitor she had in the bathroom while Soun was there.

No. She was saying he was coming over later.

  This time, it reads

like Minato just threw her sake glass at something in depression.

Perhaps.

And so he left the building, leaving the first true love of his life

behind

forever.

Sad.  Sadder, even, that it's true.

Nice job.

Thanks. The second half is complete, but needs to be revised twice before
being sent to the prereaders. Might take a little while to finish up. We'll
see.

Thanks for all the C+C. It's appreciated.

DB Sommer



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