Happosai's life of DOOM: Chapter 1 A life in review


Ranma 1/2 characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Oh! My Goddess
characters were created by Fujishima Kosuke.

By Bill Heineman, with a tiny inspiration from "The Accidental Goddess" by
Sinom Bre.

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or have me
descend into the depths of madness. Wait... Hadn't that already happened?


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Hild, the demoness that ruled hell, was sitting on her throne on a raised
dais surrounded by thousands of small demons that handled all the paperwork
that needed to be done. Most of the work was boring, tiresome and downright
unnecessary, but it served a deep purpose. It was hellish labor and caused
untold suffering among the workers.

She was pleased with her minions' progress in the plane of Midgard. All over
the Earth, there were places of unrest, strife and just plain nastiness. She
gave a toothy grin as she felt the waves of evil and darkness that came from
the hearts of millions of human souls. "Yes. More. Wait." Her attention
focused on a spot on the main island of Japan near the southernmost shore
close to the city of Tokyo.

"What is this I sense?" She zoomed in on the images in her mind to see what
was the source of this darkness. Her first stop was the Diet building where
numerous politicians were arguing about tax rates. She felt waves of
distrust and suspicion radiating from the people gathered. "Plenty of
corruption here. But..." She held her fingers to her temples to increase her
sensitivity. 

All around her, the worker demons were breaking out in sweat. Some quietly
put down the papers they were shuffling to make a hasty exit. Others were
concentrating their power to run interference with their master, lest she
found out what everyone had been hiding from her for centuries. They all
backed away from their leader as she called out. "Now who is THIS!"


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"What a haul!" Happosai hopped on the lip of the stone fence that surrounded
the front of Furinkan High School. A crowd of girls streamed out of the
girls' locker room in hot pursuit led by Akane.

"Give those back!" Akane held her bokken in front of her, ready to strike
the little creature down from the wall.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed the little gnome as he bounced along the fence. "I've
rescued these silky darlings from you! I'm not going to give them..." His
forward motion was stopped when his face impacted on the sole of a slipper.

Ranma pushed the old man backwards. "Up to your old tricks again, eh?"

"You just got lucky." He patted his black laundry bag to see if he had lost
any of his precious cargo. "But you won't land another blow."

Ranma confidently smirked as he waited a moment to let Akane and the
Happosai appreciation squad get closer. "Okay, how about this?" He reached
into his orange Chinese shirt and yanked out a handful of bras. "Bra-Fu!"

Happosai's eyes got wide in bliss as his gaze followed the lovely bounty
that filled the air. Then his lights went out with a precise strike to the
head. He flew off the wall toward the pavement below only to be intercepted
by Akane's bosom.

"ARGH!" The young Tendo used her staff to pry off the tightly attached lump
on her chest, flinging Happosai across the schoolyard.

"Hotcha!" Happosai flew, arm forward like Superman toward Yuka. The girl
curled up and screamed as the living terror approached. Ranma landed on his
head cratering him into the concrete.

"Happo-Daikarin!" A blast from a firecracker sent Ranma skyward. "Nice try
Ranma! But you'll never beat me!" He turned to glare at Akane. His eyes went
childlike and wept. "Let me bury my sorrows!" He leapt again toward the two
mounds of flesh that beckoned him.

Akane held her bokken out with both hands, using it like a shield. The thing
grabbed it, swung around like a gymnast and flew over her, right into the
startled face of Sayuri. "EEK!"

"Sweeto!" Happosai changed direction in mid-flight to approach the bare
glistening wet chest of Ranko.

"Sweeto this you ol' fool!" The just turned female martial artist stuck out
her foot to meet the path of the old fossil. She followed up with an elbow
to his back and a fist to his shoulder.

"You became a girl for me?" Happosai was pleased.

"I'm a girl 'cause I landed in the pool you ol' goat!" She covered up her
breasts that she had used as bait. She jumped in the air and landed feet
first on Happosai's head. She grabbed the bag that lay next to the freak and
hopped back.

"Why did you hit me so hard?" Happosai cried out in crocodile tears as he
rubbed the top of his bald head.

Holding out the laundry bag filled with the gym shorts he had stolen from
the Furinkan Girl's locker room, Ranko shouted at the little pervert the
obvious answer. "Because you're a pervert and a thief!" Behind her, a mob of
extremely pissed high school girls gathered, armed with brooms, sticks and
bokkens.

"You didn't have to hit me that hard."

Ranko touched her finger to her lip as if she was rethinking her course of
action. She wasn't. "I should've hit you HARDER!"

Happosai jumped at Ranko's breasts. "I'll take your apology!" He glomped her
and buried his injury into her bosom.

"APOLOGY!" She tossed the bag behind her so the pervert bashing squad could
recover the stolen goods. With both fists, she smashed the little freak into
the grass. She placed her foot on his back to hold him down. In an instant,
the other girls bashed the old man into a thin pancake.

"Honestly, you'd think he'd learn by now." Akane exclaimed the obvious as
she held her bokken on her shoulder.

Ranko stepped back as the crowd beat the pervert with more enthusiasm. The
dust cloud covering the battle grew while the shouts of the girls got
louder. They happily dealt out some payback for his invasion of their
privacy.

"Don't think he'll ever learn." Ranko took off her shirt and wrung it out.
"Now I gotta go get some hot water."

"You idiot! Put your shirt back on! Wait until you change back before you do
that." Akane stood in front of Ranko to block the view of her bare chest.

"Fine!" She put her damp shirt back on. "See how long you'd like to wear
your clothes after you go swimming in them." She turned to go off to the
men's room.

Akane muttered. "Idiot." She looked back at the battle raging among her
schoolmates. "They're all idiots."

"P-P-Pretty ladies..." Was all Happosai could croak out before he was
supposed to croak for good.


========================================



Amazed at her good fortune, the leader of hell basked in the evil that
emanated from the old man. "Now that's what I'm talking about. He will make
a fine demon." She watched the melee with delight. "I see he'll be joining
us soon. I want his file." She held out her hand in expectation while
keeping her eyes closed watching the carnage in Furinkan.

A rather icky looking demon slithered over to Hild holding out a file for
her to read. She took the thin folder and opened it. "Happosai, martial arts
master, founder of the 'Anything Goes School of Martial Arts', created
techniques for destruction, thievery, and PERVERSION." She nodded in
approval. She flipped the pages looking for his scheduled arrival date into
the afterlife and found what she was seeking was missing.

"Where's the rest of the file?" She turned to her icky minion. "I don't have
the birth date, his star sign and his planned expiration date."

The spider like thing oozing gooey stuff gurgled a reply. "Uh, that's all we
have on him."

She re-read the entire file in seconds and found it was woefully incomplete.
"There's only life documented here for twenty years of existence. All of it
describes time he spent in caves or in suspended animation from entrapment
spells. Where's his childhood? Where's his years of training and why haven't
the last two years been documented?

"Uh..." Was all the demon could say to her request without being blasted
into a million pieces.

"Is that all you have to say!" She blasted the creature into a thousand
pieces since she was in a good mood for finding such a delightfully evil
creature in Midgard. It would only take the demon five years to reform
instead of fifty. A bat-like demon flew in with a portable vacuum cleaner to
pick up the mess.

Looking for the termination date and still not finding it, she summoned the
person who can answer her question without excuses. "Grim Reaper, come
forth!"

A cloud of smoke and flame appeared for an instant before Hild leaving
behind a skeleton wearing a black floor length cloak and holding a scythe
over his shoulders. Death turned to look at Hild with his empty eye sockets
in his bleached white skull. Moving his jawbone to speak, a haunting voice
seeped out. "Why have you summoned me?"

"I need an answer to a simple question." She opened the folder. "Happosai."

The instant the name was uttered, Death cringed.

Hild continued. "When will he be joining us? Will it be today? I just saw
him get beaten in a manner that assured that he will not survive. Once he is
brought before judgment, I will be in attendance."

"He is not arriving today."

"He isn't?" Hild checked the file for any blessings or wishes that could
have been granted that would have given him a stay of execution. "Then, when
will he be arriving?"

"Soon?" Death answered meekly hoping that she would accept it.

"How soon?"

"Really soon?" Death looked for any excuse to leave.

Hild twitched her eyebrow. "Give me the date, time and method of exit from
Midgard."

Death chattered his bony teeth as he knew he was in trouble. His little side
business was finally coming to an end. "I'll get back to you on that."

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!" Hild stood up in anger. "What's so special about
this mortal that you can't give me a simple answer to a simple question!"
She turned to another minion. "There's more to this file isn't there?"

The pink bull-like demon that didn't want to be blasted into ten million
pieces ran over to a filing cabinet. He lifted it up off the ground to show
a very old and thick folder. A tentacle popped out of his back to grab the
file from the ground before a fire demon could roast the paperwork. Hild
teleported the papers from the growing fracas into her hands.

The demons stopped their battle and bowed down toward their leader in the
hope that they would be forgiven and only be banished for a century or two.

Giving her troops a glare that meant that they were indeed looking forward
to a massive dose of pain and suffering, she scanned the very thick folder
quickly. "Birth date was... That's not possible." She turned to Death.
"What's the meaning of this?"

Death just shrugged.

"According to this, Happosai is over three hundred years old. He was
supposed to die in 1789 when a group of Chinese Amazons struck him with
arrows after he stole the Nan-Ban mirror. Explain yourself."

Death slowly spoke with deep remorse. "It wasn't his time."


"It says right here that... Wait..." She read an addendum that said that the
arrows were deflected in mid-flight missing their mark allowing Happosai to
escape unharmed. She read the next page to find that the System Force tried
to correct the oversight. "Death, why didn't you take him the next day?
There was an avalanche that was supposed to crush him into oblivion."

"It wasn't his time."

She read some more finding that the boulders had formed an air pocket that
his small size fit in perfectly. The next day the System Force tried again.

"The angry shopkeeper?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The wild horse?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The lynching squad?"

"It wasn't his time."

"The volcanic eruption?"

"It wasn't his time."

"Nagasaki?"

"It wasn't his time."

Slamming the folder shut in fury, Hild turned a shade of crimson. "It wasn't
his time for three hundred years! Tell me what's going on, or I'll have you
ground into flour and serve your dust to a bone eater! Now, TALK!"

Death had no choice in the matter. He raised his bony hand into the air and
invoked a spell. "Mara, I summon you!"

A flash of energy appeared next to Death and Hild's daughter stood surprised
at being snatched from the bar where she was hanging out. She was still
holding a cup of sake in her hand. She saw her mother and hid the glass
behind her back. "M-mother... Nice seeing you."

Hild looked at her daughter then turned her gaze to Death. "What's she got
to do with this."

Mara looked at Death, then at the name on the file that her mother was
holding and gasped. Her eyes grew to the size of saucers, which caught the
attention of her mother.

"Mara?" The queen of hell stared at the file in her hand. "What's your
involvement with Happosai." All the bowed demons, Mara and Death shuddered
again at the mention of that cursed name.

"Uh... nothing?" She sheepishly smiled.

Death looked at Mara in the eye as best as a creature without eyes could.
"You promised me a favor. I'm not taking the rap on this one. I'm calling in
the favor."

Mara gulped.

Hild frowned in anger at the two before her. "What's the meaning of this?"

Death gave his command. "Confess Mara, about why you owe me a favor."

The daughter of the queen of hell wanted to be anywhere else but here. "I...
I asked Death to spare Happosai's life."

Confused, Hild asked. "Why?"

"It's... well... you see..." She fell on her knees weeping. "Please! Don't
bring him here! NO!!!"

Turning pages far faster than any mortal could, Hild read the file from
cover to cover. "There were over a million attempts on his life. The only
lull was when his two disciples got him drunk, threw him in a barrel of
Nitro-Glycerin, placed him in a cave and detonated a ton of TNT. All that
did was put him out of action for ten years."

Mara's eye bugged out. "A.. A million attempts?" She glared at Death in
delight. "You've spared him over a million times for just my single
promise?"

Death was on trial and the judge could spot a lie light-years away.
"Actually, your promise was only good for the one attempt."

Eyes twitching even more, Hild asked the assembled group as the pieces fell
into place. "How many of you asked for Death to spare Happosai?"

Everyone in the room but Hild and Death raised their arms, tentacles, claws
and miscellaneous body parts. Hild turned to Death in anger. "And who spared
him today?"

"That would be Peorth."

"A goddess?" Hild read the folder again. "All I see is that this man is a
thief and a pervert. Why has he attracted the attention of a goddess?" She
read the next to the last page. "Oh, he stole her underwear... Wait, that's
not a reason to spare him."

Mara bawled out with genuine tears. "You don't know what it's like if he
touches you! I know! I still have nightmares about that little creature!
Leave him on Midgard, I beg of you! You'll doom us all!"

"Nonsense, child! I've been looking for someone like this for centuries!
Finally I've found the perfect candidate for the position." She smirked at
Death. "I see that he's due to expire tomorrow at 10:15 AM."

Death gritted his teeth. It was easy from him since he had no lips or gums
to get in the way. He had the next fifteen years booked already for sparing
Happi's life. He was going to have to release all of those promises he had
collected in advance. Death tilted his head resigning himself that his free
ride was going to end. He had over a million demons and goddesses that owed
him favors already, so he didn't mind too much that he had to finally bring
in this over-ripened soul. "Consider it done, my Queen."

Death faded away into nonexistence as he went back to his normal rounds.

Hild turned to her minions who were still prostrating themselves before her.
Aiming her hand at them, a bright beam of energy flew out and roasted the
horde. The creatures ran or slithered or moved however they do in every
direction to try to put out the fires charring their flesh.

"Now daughter, you will tell me everything you know about Happosai."

Shuddering in fear, she told of her experience at the hands of the little
pervert.

Once her tale was complete, her mother smiled. "Such delightful evil, he
will make a perfect demon of Perverted Sex."

Mara quaked in terror, for her worst fear was indeed coming to pass.


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Author's Notes: Please review my story. It makes me feel oh so happy and
keeps your underwear safe and sound.

Bill Heineman
July 4th, 2003
========================================
burger@contrabandent.com
http://www.contrabandent.com/burgerbill
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