Michael A. Chase wrote:

Suggested changes: {before : after}

On Mon, 29 Sep 2003 14:37:43 -0400 DB Sommer <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

Version 1.1, now with revision. Head smashed in and body nearly
severed in half via crushing by some heavy object that had been taken
away shortly thereafter

???  Cut and paste problem?

Err, yes. It was in the previous version and used to exemplify just how bad
some of the passages were. Not sure how it ended up there.

Several moments later, the sound of cursing and metal being hammered
reached Yuri's ears. She felt something uncomfortable shift in the
pit of her stomach. Oh yes, Kei's training in the 'Hit It With a Big
Blunt Object Until It Starts Working' school of engineering was going
to end up dumping them in outer space and kill them. At least Yuri
would know it was all Kei's fault and not hers. There was something
reassuring in that.

I thought they both would say "It's not my fault!".

Only when someone outside the Angels accuses them of it. They are happy to
fingerpoint at each other privately.

Kei's triumphant shout interrupted the ever growing list. "Ha! All
finished. I told you I could replace something as simple as that. It
was a piece of cYAHH!"

A piece of cYAHH, huh? :}b

Yeah. Tasty, with enough tabasco sause on it.

but that hardly counts. I mean, there was a time I could have taken
someone emptying a whole magazine of high velocity rounds into my
impact armor and not felt it a couple of hours later. Now I get a
rooftop blown out from under me and my knees hurt until the next day
from taking a twenty foot fall.

Yep.  What a drag it is getting older.

Time goes past quicker than ever. I am majorly depressed at it of late.

"Oh my god! That means I'm going to be thirty-three in a couple of
months too. I'm going to be almost as washed up as you. WAHHH!"

Nice of her to put it in perspective.

Yep.

Kei considered that for all of two seconds. "Grab some big guns out
of the armory, get on board that {ship : station}, find out what's
going on, and shoot anyone that tries to shoot us."

Works for me.

Much more exciting that way.

Both of the agents walked slowly down their landing ramp and
{exited : left} the craft. Kei opted to carry a heavy laser rifle
while Yuri was satisfied with her side-arm to provide protection. The
duo held both of their weapons at the ready.

No suits to prevent possible chemical or biological contamination?

Nah. That wouldn't be fanservicey.

that she had seen before, but far more rarely. It was the sort of
glazed gaze one gained when staring straight into the mouth of hell
and even in managing to escape it, one would still never really get
away since the experience would always be with them. Death {was :} or
drugs were the only escape from it.

I see what you are trying with 'Death was/drugs were', but it reads
awkwardly to me.

No prob. Will change.

to show up to save her butt when she gets it put into a sling because

I'm not there to keep her out of trouble? She's so irresponsible,"
Yuri mumbled under her breath as she continued on her way to the main
bridge of the station.

There seems to be an echo in there. ;})

They are cut from the same mold, no matter how they protest.

It was at about the halfway point between the shelters and the
command bridge that Yuri had stumbled across the first body in the
corridor. Head smashed in and body nearly {severed : chopped}

Nah. It was done in one slash. Chop makes me think of multiple hacks.

in

have affectionately referred to it as a 'righteous mess.' The right
half was missing, allowing the contents inside the skull to spill out
onto the floor. A {lesser : less} experienced agent might have
expelled the contents of their stomach at the sight, but for Yuri,
dead bodies in just about any state was business as usual. Especially
since she had personally {ended up making : made} a lot of those
bodies dead.

And prefered that to the alternative of them making her dead.

Yep.

This time Kei spoke louder, shouting at the creature. "It can't be!
You're dead! We killed you! Goddamnit, WE KILLED YOU!"

But they never tracked down the original source and smashed it too.
I figured Kei would recognize it right away once I started suspecting
what it was.

When this was originally posted, I left out the 'Zeirem' bit, so that this
would be a surprise.

Her partner's injured condition seemed to help Kei focus on the
present. Then the sound of a bolt being drawn back from somewhere
behind them caught the redhead's attention. She darted her head over
the top, then back down. "You'd better not have eaten that whole
cheesecake before we left Lebonya."

The banter is a nice touch.

Thanks.

Now Kei's voice took on a note Yuri was familiar with, something she
had never hoped to hear again. "That thing is going back to the hell
it came from again, and I'm the one that's going to send it there."

And now she has enough status to track down whoever produced the thing.
Killing one example of that monster should be just the start.

First they have to find it.

Kei, now somewhat back to normal, fretted over her partner. "Have the
drugs kicked in yet?"

"Make me a chocolate milkshake, Mommy."

I'd take that as a yes

Oui.

Kei carefully examined the empty hypodermic Yuri had used. "I'll have
to try some of that later."

It probably beats warm beer.

Well, it all depends.

but I found it to be an excellent action-oriented series that will
hopefully mix quite easily with the more popular Dirty Pair, though I
haven't seen very many fics devoted to them of late. Hard to believe,
given the good story potential there.

I've wached Iria a couple times.  It also has a lot of potential for
continuations.  I'm actually more familiar with it than the Lovely
Angels.

Surprised me how many people were, then I recall how 'Old School' the DP
are. Another sign of my age. *sigh*

Thanks for the C+C.

DB Sommer

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