----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Brian Randall" <brian@azurite.org>
To: "thermopyle" <thermopyle@tds.net>
Cc: "Robert Haynie Jr." <kenjiko2@knology.net>; "ffml" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Saturday, November 15, 2003 9:41 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [draft] [Ranma/Sailor Moon] Paragon, episode 5

thermopyle wrote:

   "You pushed your energy very hard after your first powerup.
And-- oh, dear."

   "Why do I not like the way you said that?"

It should probably be "And--oh, dear."

    Actually, I think that 'And' was in a terminated sentence, and the
'Oh' begins a new sentence.

    It should probably be:  "And-- Oh, dear."

    Or with two spaces trailing the hyphen, depending on your preference.

Hm.  It is a preference thing.  I tend to indicate cut-off speech with
dashes, and this is kind of an interruption of that type, even though the
character speaking is the one doing the interrupting.

   "You used a LOT more energy than I had thought."

"than I thought."  Had is unnecessary--thought is already past tense.

    Since this is dialogue, all bets are off.  I'm guessing (I haven't
read the story; only your comments) that it's in keeping with the
character who speaks it.  And if it's spoken, hey, it doesn't need to be
grammatically correct.

True.  It stood out, though, as something that could have been cut.
Unnecessary doesn't really imply wrong, in this case--just unnecessary.  :)

   Ranma looked into the clear blue eyes of Sailor Moon, and froze
for a moment, then carefully made sure he WAS Ranma.  Which he was,
with the attendant 'he' part.

The first comma doesn't work with the way the sentence is structured.

    For stylism, this one actually can work.  Though, I would suggest
dropping the 'and' after the first comma to smooth it out a bit.

Yeah.  That's what I had the problem with.  The comma or the and should be
dropped to make reading smoother.

   Ukyo Kuonji sighed as she polished the counters in her
restaurant.  And yet again berated herself for what she could only
describe as the single stupidest thing she had EVER done in her life.

No, I'd say casting aside her gender in favor of revenge upon a childhood
crush was a lot dumber--crashing the wedding simply progressed

unnaturally

>from there.  But hey, she's entitled to her own opinion.

"And yet again..." doesn't work well structurally.  You should rephrase

the

paragraph for smoother reading.

    This one may be intentionally jarring.  From a stylistic standpoint.

    It's a bit stilted, really, though.  I'd suggest dropping the 'yet'.

Right.  It felt almost like it should be one sentence, but not quite.  There
are a number of ways it could be fixed.

   And yet she'd had the stupid idea that Ranma would be grateful to
her.  Instead, Ranma wouldn't speak to her unless spoken to, and
didn't come by anymore.  He called her Ukyo, not Ucchan.  He refused
offers of lunch, even.

Commas abound in unnatural ways.

    I don't know how much story there is between this and the last
instance of 'And yet', but if they're close, it could also be
repetition.  Clipping the first one mentioned would take care of that,
while still retaining enough to keep the stylism evident.

It's pretty close, but I hadn't noticed the repetition.  *Looks at the
original.*  Yeah, they're seperated by one paragraph.  I think the first one
would be the better to cut, also, since that doesn't read well to begin
with.

   "So, if she's Sailor Moon, then you're..."

    An elipses that terminates a sentence should contain four periods
instead of three.  I'm a stickler....  I imagine that quote will be
engraved on my tombstone.

Which one?  :)

   Mamoru found the taste of carpet oddly soothing for a moment, but
then jerked himself to a sitting position.  "CAPTAIN OPERA?"

I have yet to see a fanfictional facefault that wasn't annoying.  It's
usually annoying in the source, actually.  It's the sitcom equivalent of
fake applause.  "That was a joke, everybody!  Laugh!  Laugh!"

    It's more the transition from sight-gag in a comic/anime, to
something you have to put more effort into visualising, which (since
you're reading one word at a time) is a bit different.  In a manga, you
can look for the jokes in the corner of the panel, or ignore them, and
read the story either way.  In written works, you have to read it all if
you want to follow it, which means those corner-jokes are now given a
panel to themselves.  This works for the people who got a kick out of
them, but for the people who don't, it may be annoying and (in their
opinions) clutter up the flow of the storyline.

Well, I was referring to the source, mainly, when I wrote sitcom reference.
Regardless, it's annoying to read.  Maybe some people like it, I dunno.
Obviously people like it in anime, because way too many anime do it.

    I'll admit that I don't understand Kenko's sense of humor, but I
know a lot of people do, so I won't comment on it, other than what I've
already said here.

   Ranma paused, thinking.  "Seems to me that Captain Opera sounds
better."

And here you're beating it to death while the volume meter on the

applause

track maxes out.  The technicians are screaming, and the audience begins

to

drop like flies as their heads burst open.  Gallagar runs around the

room,

swinging his hammer like a demented comedian...

    Shame on you, Thermopyle; that elipses terminated a sentence.

Ack!  Heh.  You're right.  My bad.  :)

   "I put a lot of thought into Tuxedo Kamen, you know.  It's a very
good name for someone who couldn't remember who he was at the time."

   "Couldn't remember--"

Speech tag.  I can guess, but this isn't a simple back-and-forth between

two

people.

    Will agree on this one.  DB Sommer (and some other authors break
this rule) but to alleviate it, they indicate the character by some
non-speech action, for example:

    "Couldn't remember?"  Ranma raised an eyebrow curiously.

    Technically, this is not correct, but stylistically, a lot of people
seem to approve.  I've even started doing it myself....  �_�

Well, speech tag or something to indicate the speaker.  It doesn't really
matter which, but the speaker needs to be clearly defined.

   Usagi scowled at that statement.  "Well, if you want this kept
secret, I can agree.  But I think we can take care of ourselves
eeeep."

   The Eeeep was because Naoko-kun was holding out his hand, a ball
of swirling golden light collecting in his palm.  "Can any of them do
anything like this when they ain't dressed up all super-girly?"

Very dry.  This dialogue is nowhere near powerful enough to stand on its
own.  Get some good description in here!

    The 'Eeep' should be consistantly capitalized, or not capitalized.
I'd actually suggest putting in a dash before the eep to indicate that
she was cut off, or maybe even offesetting it with single quotes in the
next paragraph.

Hm.  I'd reccommend cutting the Eeep, actually.

    I don't know why I'd suggest that, though.

    It's probably not grammatically accurate on my part, either.

    ....

Cutting it solves all problems!  :)

   "It's chi.  Yeah, just like in the anime.  Except most people
don't think it's real.  Well it is.  And I can take your apartment
wall out with this."

What anime?

    It could be an abstraction, like, "Just like on TV," in which case
the 'the' could be dropped.

    Or it might be a specific one, in which case it should be named.

Right.  "the" indicates something specific.

   As he stepped into the parlor of the Tendo household, he was hit
by a bucket of icy water, and a familiar "Sweeto!" was heard,
followed by a small creature of indistinct lineage-- although it was
theorized that it was human-- snuggling into his chest.

This isn't clever description at all.

    Wait, theorized by who?

The author, it seemed.  That's part of why I made that comment.  :)

   (The Tendo house, an hour previous)

Period?

    Hmm.  Thoughts are formatted in the same manner as headers?  That
could be confusing.

I didn't notice it, personally.  Regardless, you are right, they should be
different.

   "Kid was raised to be the best fighter of his generation-- and
damn little else.  Social skills?  What are those?  As far as Genma
was concerned, if it couldn't be eaten or used as a weapon, no need
to teach it to Ranma.  It's a real miracle that he turned out as well
as he did.  Genma wasn't trying to make a Ranma, after all... he was
trying to make a Chibi-Genma."

"generation--and"

    Actually, that might be a good spot for a semi-colon.

    I'm not sure.

    Gary knows how to use them correctly; I don't think I do.  Mr. Kleppe?

I have no clue on irregular punctuation.  I just like dashes!  :)

   "Ah, but you CAN help him.  You've done it before, after all."

   "How?  How have I ever helped him?"

   "Hmm.  I seem to remember a certain rather dehydrated girl who
saved his life in China, for example."

Bleh.  Too obvious.  Ruined the segment for me.  She knows what she's
done--she's helped him lots of times.  This read more like you're telling
the reader, "Hey, Akane's not worthless!" rather than letting it come out
naturally in the story.

    Actually, I'd think that Akane's, "I can't help," attitude is a bit
counter to her normal, "I'm a martial artist, too!" argument, but this
is a crossover, and may be an alt.

Well, it is, but the story kind of sets it up by making her depressed and
rather different in the earlier chapters, which is why I didn't comment.  It
seems fairly consistent within the story, if not with the manga.

   Akane turned to a stunned redhead at the door, who seemed somehow
vaguely familiar-- as if she'd met her in passing.  What did this
girl have to do with Ranma?  For a moment, jealousy began to raise
it's head, but she flattened it with the mental equivalent of a
mallet.  She would-- did-- trust Ranma.  She HAD to.

"its head"

Dude, quit with the messed-up dashes.  It's annoying!  >_<

    Hmm.  Peter, what does the Chicago Manual of style say about proper
dash/hyphen usage?  I'd offer my suggestions, but I don't actually

know....

I should look that up myself, though I'm almost afraid to.  :)

   "Change, 'Naoko-chan', and explain.  I can stay no longer, lest
the Dark detect me."  And the boy was gone, as though he had never
been there.

Drop the comma at the end.

    Stylism.  This one's okay.

Yeah.  I first said that it was incorrect, and then corrected myself when I
realized it wasn't.  I like it some readings, others, I don't.  ^_^;

   "What are you people talking about oh my GOD," Case choked out,
as Naoko wavered, and began a definite male in loose Chinese
garments.  Akane stared, her confused fears proven, as Cologne
continued to giggle and Wong blinked, startled that his crude
deduction was correct.

Again, the whole surprise sentence doesn't work, and for the exact same
reason as above.  Use dashes or do something, but don't leave it as it

is.

    began -- became (?)

Right.  Picked it up on the first read-through, but then forgot about it.

    I don't consider myself qualified to suggest anything other than
grammatical commentary, since I haven't read this yet, but hopefully, we
can get some grammar clarifications about this.

Maybe somebody can tell me how to use dashes.  :)


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