Apologies about the lateness of this reply.
[forward] --- Skip to get to C&C if you so desire. Apologies go to the author
for using a reply to his fic to make some comments that don't have anything
directly to do with his story.
In the past, my C&C to people has been entirely to the author, not to the
ML at large. Due to recent discussions, I find that may have not been the best
way to go about it, when taking into account the true purpose of the ML. My
only defense is I don't like to put myself in the spotlight so to speak, but I
will go ahead and do it public from now on.
As for the bit about why people write, I have a different take than some
that have been put forward. The reason I write is two fold, but simple. One is
I like to write. The other is this; I want to give back to those that have
written some abolutely wonderful stories I have enjoyed. People like, Eric
Halstron, Alan Harnum, PsycoSama, Donald Granberry, Slacker, Robert Haynie Jr.
of course, and so many more that it would take pages to write them all out.
What that means is I write in the hopes, that one day people will ENJOY
reading what I write. Not to feed my ego, but for the fact that had fun
reading what I write. If there are people that don't like what I write, so be
it, if there are people that flame me, and abuse me, well, that's what kill
files are for. What I write isn't for them, but those that enjoy reading,
writing, or both. It doesn't matter to me if they do great C&C or not. With
that said, let's get to the main purpose of this post, C&Cing this fic!
[/forward]
Please forgive me if I repeat what someone else has already said, I freely
admit that I did not read all the C&C that others wrote, nor do I plan to. Oh,
and if I don't comment on something, assume it worked well for me. :)
Describe and define Destiny in ten words or less.
You can't.
You can try, but you will fail. There are so many possible
definitions of Destiny. NO-ONE one in the world has ever been able
to define Destiny.
With one exception... a boy named Ranma Saotome.
He was asked once-- never mind by who-- what HE thought destiny
was.
And he paused, and replied...
"Pretty much the kinda crap that happens to me. Ain't no way to
get around it."
He did define it... but he didn't get it under ten words.
As much as I hate to do so, I must agree in part with what others have
written. This segmet here does seem a bit high handed and demeaning of the
reader's intelligence. Now with just a little re-wording you can keep the
essence of segment without being so... absolute.
"Well, whenever you make a new friend, they usually turn out to
be a good person, and often an ally. You've got a knack for it."
I hadn't thought of it that way before, but he's right.
Sailor Moon nodded. That was probably the best way to do it...
She was distracted as Naoko wavered again, becoming... someone who
most definitely NOT Naoko.
Heh.
"I think she... ah, he has a lot to tell, Usako," he said, trying
to keep his voice even and failing miserably...
LOL
The boy stood in a place that was not a place. Screwy
description, yeah, but that was the best way he could think of it.
There was nothingness, only nothingness... but there was, somehow, an
awful lot of it.
This works much better than the opening destiny bit.
"A name? Hmmm. I suppose you can call me... Elvis."
"You're kidding."
"It's as good a name as any. Personal identifiers aren't a major
issue for my kind."
"But ELVIS?"
"Is there some significance to that name I'm not aware of?"
Ranma sighed. "Never mind. Well, Elvis, why am I here?"
^_- Who's to say that Ranma even knows who Elvis is? This section is a little
odd. I'm not saying I think you should change it, but it's just a bit weird...
"Quite." The boy looked "up" and sighed. "But the injury you
received caused you to actively fuse Magic and Chi together, which is
normally impossible. It also allowed you to access your final
attack... rather sooner than anticipated, again."
That's Ranma, full of the unexpected. :)
"Unless I'm mistaken, you probably detransformed in front of
Sailor Moon."
"Oh, crap."
"You pushed your energy very hard after your first powerup.
And-- oh, dear."
-_^ FIRST powerup?
"I can explain this, well, I can't really EXPLAIN it, not in any
way that makes sense, but it's really very simple?"
Heh, nice little variation on a theme here.
Ukyo Kuonji sighed as she polished the counters in her
restaurant. And yet again berated herself for what she could only
Can't start a sentence with and usually, how about,
Yet again she berated
describe as the single stupidest thing she had EVER done in her life.
What had possessed her to crash the wedding THAT way? In company
with Shampoo, yet. It was certainly not something that would endear
her to Ranma, that was certain.
And yet she'd had the stupid idea that Ranma would be grateful to
Using yet too much, how about,
Even so she'd
"So, why don't you?"
"I'm not most people. I'm -- if you like-- Captain Opera."
Heh.
Mamoru stared. "You may be the first person I have ever met who
understands that. My powers draw from a different source than the
Sailors... but you can't imagine how many times I've been out for a
quiet beer after class with Motoki and heard someone discussing the
latest rumors about the Senshi... and me."
He began to glower. "The rose is wimpy. He's just a cheerleader
for the Sailor Senshi. Who is this weakling, anyway, lets girls
fight for him? Damn it, I sometimes want to go over to those tables
and show them just what a rose can do--"
You know, yours is really one of the very few fair treatments of Mamoru
I've seen. I commend you for it, and hope it keeps up. :)
"Um... I might understand SOME girl stuff better than most guys,
but I ain't really claiming to be good at it. And sempai, well, you
are my senior in the magical girl biz. Heck, you're my senior in the
girl biz period." Naoko-kun gave a weak grin.
<G> Interesting take, but I like it. :)
"We're here because I need a new gown for the Kyoto recital,
love. And I agree... thinking back, trying to beat up the Princess
to prove she WAS the Princess was not our brightest moment. I wish
we knew where Setsuna was... what happened to her. She could have
just told us outright." Michiru Kaioh sighed. After the Guardian of
Time had used her forbidden Time Stop, she'd vanished... and neither
of them had any idea what had happened to her.
This is, just a bit different. :)
because we were just too damn proud to admit that we were wrong from
the start. That Sailor Moon was right. And that we should have just
connected with her at the beginning and shared information and
followed her damn lead."
Bout time. :)
any of them. We're just in town to pick up my new dress for the
concert, overnight at a hotel, and then back to Kyoto. What could
possibly happen?"
Never say things like that. :)
Michiru had never met a citizen of Nerima. Had she, she would
have known what an incredibly stupid thing that was to say.
Exactly.
Naoko raised an eyebrow. "Overprotective to the point of near
psychosis?"
"Um... I wouldn't go that far."
"How refreshing. Well, thank you for taking care of me,
This brought a smile to my face. :)
Chiba-san, while I was out. And I'm certain Ranma will be pleased to
spend time with you should you need a sounding board." She bowed,
and as she and Usagi left, Mamoru shivered a bit. The boy turned
girl's act was SCARILY good...
Make me wonder if, other influences are at work here.
Naoko held up the first generation Senshi Communicator.
"Thinking of this was clever, Usagi-chan. And as for hiding it..."
Naoko waved her hand and the communicator seemed to vanish.
"Wow, you've got a subspace pocket like Mercury does!"
Until someone else had issues with this bit, I had none. So the bit about
the subspace pocket, and who's talking about it, works fine for me.
For some reason Naoko seemed rather... uncertain. "I don't know.
I'll have to ask the duck."
<G>
Well the bit with Akane worked well for me, though I don't have anything
specific to say, and the bit at the end was hilarious. I am very much looking
forward to seeing more of this.
--
Druid
druid@ispwest.com
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