This is Tokyo, she of the glittering lights and blinding streets. A

- I'm sure this has been pointed out already, but *shrug* the word she
in there is out of place.

Heh. Waxing a bit poetic there with the pronoun. Might drop it in a
revison, though, if it sounds too pretentious.

though often crime can vex those in charge of meting out justice.

- Should be "meeting".

Actually, it's "meting" as a conjugation of "to mete." A quick look-up
through Dictionary.com (don't have Oxford's at hand) yields the
following:

mete
tr.v. met�ed, met�ing, metes
1. To distribute by or as if by measure; allot: mete out justice.
2. Archaic. To measure.

fallen victims of the torrential storm that had just passed. Most,

if

not all of the cars were covered under a blanket of pink and green.

- I would put a comma after the word all, here. I'm not sure if that's

a

strict rule or just something that seems right in my head, however.

No, you're right in that it sounds better, and I'm fairly sure that the
"most, if not all," fragment almost always carries a comma at the end.
I'm just trying to avoid overwhelming the text with commas (my sentences
tend to run on because of them,) but in this instance it might be
appropriate.

      An ordinary calico cat was happily licking its paws on the

hood of

a small blue sedan, savoring the lingering taste of its most recent
meal. Its peace was interrupted, though, when a sudden, excited

shriek

- Was it poor Sakaki's hand? ;_;

Hehehe...

      But Nyamo was standing stock-still, her face locked in a

rictus of

horror and her shoulders shaking not unlike jello on a paint mixer.

She

- "...of horror, and her shoulders..." Nice visual, by the way.

Will consider. I like the hurried pace of the sentence, though it does
sound like it needs a break, doesn't it?

      "AAAH! AAAH! AAAAAH!" Nyamo's trademark freak-out started

- >_> Nyamo has a trademark freak-out? She might get upset sometimes,

but

I think she's fairly calm, considering how much time she spends around
Yukari.

Heh. I think of the Nyamo Freak-Out as that rapid fire triple-yell thing
she does a couple of times during the series... When Yukari first came
over to her apartment is the most prominent one in my mind, though I'm
sure she also pulled it off during one of the vacation trips.

Nyamo's insurance slip was already throbbing in pain.

- I like that line. ^-^

Heee.

      "Wish I knew," Nyamo composed herself, already thinking about

- Despite that she's a gym teacher, I think Nyamo would go for a more
complete sentence and say "I wish I knew", here. But it's just a

suggestion.


*ponders* Possibly, yeah. She does speak a bit more properly than
Yukari.

      "We did! Those lazy jerks were no help," Tomo groused. "They

say

that they didn't see anyone suspicious around here, and the police

won't

come because it's an act of nature."

- When did they do that? Or did time pass between the opening and the
disclaimers and such?

Yep. The fact that Kagura and the others already know about the "case"
and found the branch is an indication that more than a few minutes had
passed between the discovery of the "crime scene" and the present. I'll
add the appropriate dialogue if it isn't clear, though.

      Once Chiyo was done with the car, Kagura clenched her

duct-tape

covered fist and slapped it against every last square inch of the

- Is it open or closed? A clenched fist does more of a punch then a

slap.


Well, that's up to Kagura ^_^ I just liked the visual of her clenching
her fist --duct tape and all, getting her fingers stuck for a second.

      "All right, fine, I'll drop you off at your place," Nyamo

rolled

her eyes. "But I really need to leave my car at the shop before it
closes! I can't leave it like this until tomorrow!"
      "Uh..." Yukari mulled over this for a moment, weighing her
inability to help with the case against having to walk or --she
grimaced-- taking public transportation back home. Nyamo's comfy (if
recently drafty) ride won the battle.

- How did Yukari get to school? Didn't she drive her car, and then not
want to keep the crab there?

Nyamo typically drives Yukari to school, a fact that annoys her to no
end, because Yukari gets to sleep all the way. It would make sense that
she also drives Yukari back. If I recall correctly, the only occasions
we see Yukari drive are during the summer trips to Chiyo's house.

- Very interesting, all in all :-) I hope it's not going to end up

being

that the calico did it. Not because I don't think cats are capable of
crimes, but
because that's pretty predictable. Oh, and I think you did Osaka

perfectly.

^-^

Heh, thanks. The cat might play a part or not, but saying anything about
it would ruin the suspense, wouldn't it?

Thanks again for the comments!


Jorge A. Pratt
jorgepratt@prodigy.net.mx
terbril@rocketmail.com




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