----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Christopher Angel" <c_j_angel@hotmail.com>
To: <Thermopyle@tds.net>; <ffml@anifics.com>;
<chibipoe@mindspring.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 25, 2003 3:57 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Sailor Moon] [AU] Alternate Views 02

Some comments on Thermopyle's comments:

        "You won't take me like my sisters, Sailor Moon!" it

screamed,

spikes launching off of its back into the air behind and above

it.

Unclear sentence.  It could be read as the sisters having taken the
youma at some point.  Kinky, I suppose...  ^_^;

Oddly enough, it was only when you pointed it out that I saw this,

and now I

can't read it the correct way.

"You won't take me like you did my sisters." Could be better, but

thanks to

the mental corruption Thermy's inflicted, not ideal.

Hmm.  Perhaps replace "take" with "kill".  I dunno.

"You won't kill me like you did my sisters!" is what I was thinking
would work, yes.

        "Ordinarily," she said as she landed in the alleyway, I

would

just kill you and be done with it. But I'm thinking I should

have you

send a message to Jadeite." She stopped once she was looming

over the

youma, who looked up at her with the first true beginnings of

fear as it

met her eyes.

This youma must be stupid.

Unless the live action AU is wackier that I've heard, isn't this

sort of a

general trait of any SM monster?

Well, in this story she's known as the Destroyer.  She strikes fear
into the hearts of youma everywhere!  Just not this one, for some
reason, which is what prompted the comment.

        They were featureless blue. Almost lacking in pupils. As

if the

person they belonged to were insane.

Choppy.  Extremely so.  And Usagi's personality here isn't even

close

to touching insane--she's just The Typical American Comic Book

Hero.

On the first part (the choppy sentence) I agree and disagree.  Yes,

it is

choppy.  However, this style brings across a specific emotional

message.

The challenge would be to fix this sentence to remove the massive
grammatical erros and still instill the same emotions in the reader:

"They were a featureless blue, almost lacking in pupils - as if the

person

they belonged to was insane."

(BTW, "were" is right for eyes, "was" is right for the person the

eyes

belong to.)

Right.  Didn't notice that one.  ^_^;

On the second part, I'd agree only in that she's being the Typical

American

Comic Book Hero On a Vengance Trip.  Batman would be proud.

I was thinking of her overall attitude--the comments, making light of
enemy attacks, etc.  I'm reading Ultimate Spiderman as it comes out
and Peter keeps showing up as Usagi as I read this story.  ^_^;

        "So be it," Jadeite sighed. "A shame, truly."

He didn't sigh the words.  He said them and then sighed, or sighed
and then said them, or said some of them, sighed, and then said the
rest.  But he didn't sigh the words.  ^_^;

Thermopyle, dead horse.  Don't make me go put on my Admin hat.

You're an admin?  ^_^;

Besides, in this specific case, you're wrong.  :D

Only if it was an affected sigh.  :)

For the Keitaro/Naru reference...kill it.  It's a horrible thing to
include.  It's the equivalent of an author's note in the middle of
the chapter, where the author jumps up and down and pronounces with
no small amount of pride that Sailor Moon isn't the ONLY series he
watches, oh, no!

I agree, mostly because this is such a clumsy attempt at it.

Various

authors such as John Biles and Robery Haynie have turned this into

an art

form.  Look at their works on how to do it right.  These cameos

should be

short, sweet, and to the point.  This one lasted too long, and had

too much

of an impact on the story.

Yes.  Calling enough attention to them to make their identities clear
is, in this case, distracting.

        "Calculus," she groaned, noting the book's subject

matter. "Why

did it have to be calculus?" Sighing, she shifted in her seat

and

settled down to work.

She should have noticed the subject before, I think.  Improper
placement.

Take out "noting the book's subject matter".

The problem would still exist to some degree, I think.

        "Yes?"
        "You got it right," she continued, smiling. "I think

you're

ready for the exams now. But. You need to keep studying,

nonetheless."

It?  There was only one question?

Man, I wish I had calc exams like that.

I can hardly imagine what such a question would be like.  I'm scared
just thinking about it.  :)

Is Shinjuku a likely place for Shingo to be?  I know they have lots
of porn shops and pimps and prostitutes there.  ^_^;

And how do you know that, hmmm?  <raised eyebrow> :D

Uhh... no comment!  I'm not speaking from personal experience!
Really!  :)

        "Not a clue," Usagi replied, leaning forward slightly to

peer

down the tunnel.
        "Chiba Mamoru," he said, sticking out a hand in

greeting.

        "Tsukino Usagi," she absently replied, ignoring the

offered

hand.

I'm quite surprised that she doesn't lie.

I'm not sure what "pick up" etiquette is in Japan.  I'd be curious

to know -

perhaps they do give out real names but fake numbers.  Hell, perhaps

she'd

just call the local secutiry on him.

Probably the better way to start a conversation would be for Mamoru to
act like his cell phone isn't getting reception, and to ask Usagi if
hers is.  :)

        "Where are you headed?" Mamoru asked, sticking his hand

into his

jacket pocket.

Again, you're getting much too specific in describing little

details

that are meaningless for the story.

On the other hand, it does add a bit of flavour and can enrich the
narrative.  Try to balance this.

Oh, of course.  Those details are necessary to keep dialogue spiced
up.  Too many, though, is just distracting.

[Re: taking things from crime scenes]
I don't get it.  We've only been shown once that Usagi has done

that.

 Maybe I missed it, but were there indications that Usagi had done

so

before?  It's a bit difficult to believe that Usagi just happened

to

be closest to the crime scene more than once.  Having Usagi be in
charge of taking pictures for this would work better--it would give
her a reason to repeatedly be at those scenes.  As it is, her

showing

up more than once is stretching things, as is the idea that she

could

just walk off with stuff all the time.

Agreed.  Also, if she's been doing this habitually, she'd have been

caught

by now, unless she's exceedingly careful and lucky.

In which case there's an even greater question of how Sailor V finds
out.  Either she's obvious and gets caught, or she's not, and somebody
told V.

        "My parents are dead," Usagi told her, pressing the

button for

the elevator. "If you're the protector of the city, then why the

hell

weren't you there to stop that?"

....okay, that's lame.  Really typical, and really lame.  With

Usagi

spouting this nonsense, she better not have failed to save

anybody's

life over her four years of killing monsters.

My main issue with the Usagi as characterized in this story is that

she

hasn't gotten over anything, she hasn't dealt with it.  She's acting

as if

her personal horror happened last week, not four years ago.  Now,

that's not

altogether bad, but if so she'd be a little less functional.

At the very least, her long association with Rei should have helped to
some degree.  You're right, though--Usagi should be going to zoos and
slaughtering familiar looking animals, or something along those lines.
Her psychotic behavior is too contained to youma fighting, with not
enough splashover into other areas.

On a related note, I'd actually like to see Jadeite being rather
disturbed by her madness.  That'd make a rather cool subplot,
actually--he becomes concerned for his honourable enemy.  ^_^;

But then, I'm an engineer, what do I know about the human psyche?  I

could

be wrong.

If you're an engineer, maybe you have an equation for screwing Usagi's
head back on straight... :)

        "Youma." the word came out a hiss, as Usagi stiffened

for a

moment, then began scanning the surrounding area, alert for any

sign of

the creature. Her search turned up nothing.

The word came out a hiss as Usagi...

How do you hiss "Youma", anyway?

SsssYousssMaasss?

        "Pardon me," the youma hissed. "But we were fighting!"
        "Oh, shut up," Sailor Moon snapped, kicking it away as

it

charged her. "I'm talking here."

Again, extremely cliche and uninspired.  I've seen this a million
times and it never fails to entertain.  Gee, wow, golly, the heros
get distracted while the villain gets all mad at being ignored.
Really--it's been done, and all it does is make this Sailor Moon

even

harder to buy.

A bit harsh, but you have a point.  This AU is a lot darker than

normal SM,

hell, even darker than SMS at its worst.  The classic SM comedic

bits jar.

A work like this calls for a rather darker humor, if any.

That's part of why I don't think her sarcastic conversations work that
well, actually--they feel too light.  I almost expect her to go "Talk
to the hand!" when V or Tuxedo Kamen are around.  Oh well.  At least
it doesn't have dialogue like "I couldn't fathom!"  God, that's
annoying--especially when I'm 100% sure that not a single person who
uses it knows what the phrase refers to.  -_-;


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