Some comments on Thermopyle's comments:

        "You won't take me like my sisters, Sailor Moon!" it screamed,
spikes launching off of its back into the air behind and above it.

Unclear sentence.  It could be read as the sisters having taken the
youma at some point.  Kinky, I suppose...  ^_^;

Oddly enough, it was only when you pointed it out that I saw this, and now I 
can't read it the correct way.

"You won't take me like you did my sisters." Could be better, but thanks to 
the mental corruption Thermy's inflicted, not ideal.

Hmm.  Perhaps replace "take" with "kill".  I dunno.

        "Ordinarily," she said as she landed in the alleyway, I would
just kill you and be done with it. But I'm thinking I should have you
send a message to Jadeite." She stopped once she was looming over the
youma, who looked up at her with the first true beginnings of fear as it
met her eyes.

This youma must be stupid.

Unless the live action AU is wackier that I've heard, isn't this sort of a 
general trait of any SM monster?

        They were featureless blue. Almost lacking in pupils. As if the
person they belonged to were insane.

Choppy.  Extremely so.  And Usagi's personality here isn't even close
to touching insane--she's just The Typical American Comic Book Hero.

On the first part (the choppy sentence) I agree and disagree.  Yes, it is 
choppy.  However, this style brings across a specific emotional message.  
The challenge would be to fix this sentence to remove the massive 
grammatical erros and still instill the same emotions in the reader:

"They were a featureless blue, almost lacking in pupils - as if the person 
they belonged to was insane."

(BTW, "were" is right for eyes, "was" is right for the person the eyes 
belong to.)

On the second part, I'd agree only in that she's being the Typical American 
Comic Book Hero On a Vengance Trip.  Batman would be proud.

        "So be it," Jadeite sighed. "A shame, truly."

He didn't sigh the words.  He said them and then sighed, or sighed
and then said them, or said some of them, sighed, and then said the
rest.  But he didn't sigh the words.  ^_^;

Thermopyle, dead horse.  Don't make me go put on my Admin hat.

Besides, in this specific case, you're wrong.  :D

        "I'm letting you walk away tonight, Jadeite," she told him,
turning her head slightly. "Show your face again and I'm going to kill
you."

Why?  Need a bit of motivation here.  Why is she letting him go?

Especially since she's been trying to kill him for years.  Respect among 
enemies is nice and all, but this isn't making much sense.

        "Good," Ami tapped the book in front of Usagi.

She didn't tap the words, she said them.  Not unless she was using
morse code--which is perfectly possible for Ami, but I wouldn't
expect Usagi to understand the message.

Right.  It should be:

"Good."  Ami tapped the book in front of Usagi.

For the Keitaro/Naru reference...kill it.  It's a horrible thing to
include.  It's the equivalent of an author's note in the middle of
the chapter, where the author jumps up and down and pronounces with
no small amount of pride that Sailor Moon isn't the ONLY series he
watches, oh, no!

I agree, mostly because this is such a clumsy attempt at it.   Various 
authors such as John Biles and Robery Haynie have turned this into an art 
form.  Look at their works on how to do it right.  These cameos should be 
short, sweet, and to the point.  This one lasted too long, and had too much 
of an impact on the story.

        "Calculus," she groaned, noting the book's subject matter. "Why
did it have to be calculus?" Sighing, she shifted in her seat and
settled down to work.

She should have noticed the subject before, I think.  Improper
placement.

Take out "noting the book's subject matter".

        "Yes?"
        "You got it right," she continued, smiling. "I think you're
ready for the exams now. But. You need to keep studying, nonetheless."

It?  There was only one question?

Man, I wish I had calc exams like that.

Is Shinjuku a likely place for Shingo to be?  I know they have lots
of porn shops and pimps and prostitutes there.  ^_^;

And how do you know that, hmmm?  <raised eyebrow> :D

        "Not a clue," Usagi replied, leaning forward slightly to peer
down the tunnel.
        "Chiba Mamoru," he said, sticking out a hand in greeting.
        "Tsukino Usagi," she absently replied, ignoring the offered
hand.

I'm quite surprised that she doesn't lie.

I'm not sure what "pick up" etiquette is in Japan.  I'd be curious to know - 
perhaps they do give out real names but fake numbers.  Hell, perhaps she'd 
just call the local secutiry on him.

        "Where are you headed?" Mamoru asked, sticking his hand into his
jacket pocket.

Again, you're getting much too specific in describing little details
that are meaningless for the story.

On the other hand, it does add a bit of flavour and can enrich the 
narrative.  Try to balance this.

[Re: taking things from crime scenes]
I don't get it.  We've only been shown once that Usagi has done that.
 Maybe I missed it, but were there indications that Usagi had done so
before?  It's a bit difficult to believe that Usagi just happened to
be closest to the crime scene more than once.  Having Usagi be in
charge of taking pictures for this would work better--it would give
her a reason to repeatedly be at those scenes.  As it is, her showing
up more than once is stretching things, as is the idea that she could
just walk off with stuff all the time.

Agreed.  Also, if she's been doing this habitually, she'd have been caught 
by now, unless she's exceedingly careful and lucky.

        "My parents are dead," Usagi told her, pressing the button for
the elevator. "If you're the protector of the city, then why the hell
weren't you there to stop that?"

....okay, that's lame.  Really typical, and really lame.  With Usagi
spouting this nonsense, she better not have failed to save anybody's
life over her four years of killing monsters.

My main issue with the Usagi as characterized in this story is that she 
hasn't gotten over anything, she hasn't dealt with it.  She's acting as if 
her personal horror happened last week, not four years ago.  Now, that's not 
altogether bad, but if so she'd be a little less functional.

But then, I'm an engineer, what do I know about the human psyche?  I could 
be wrong.

        "Youma." the word came out a hiss, as Usagi stiffened for a
moment, then began scanning the surrounding area, alert for any sign of
the creature. Her search turned up nothing.

The word came out a hiss as Usagi...

How do you hiss "Youma", anyway?

        "Pardon me," the youma hissed. "But we were fighting!"
        "Oh, shut up," Sailor Moon snapped, kicking it away as it
charged her. "I'm talking here."

Again, extremely cliche and uninspired.  I've seen this a million
times and it never fails to entertain.  Gee, wow, golly, the heros
get distracted while the villain gets all mad at being ignored.
Really--it's been done, and all it does is make this Sailor Moon even
harder to buy.

A bit harsh, but you have a point.  This AU is a lot darker than normal SM, 
hell, even darker than SMS at its worst.  The classic SM comedic bits jar.  
A work like this calls for a rather darker humor, if any.

...and massive snippage....

--
Christopher Angel

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