Elin B <elbju@yahoo.se> wrote:

We'll See
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Elin B


"No," she said, "No, I don�t think so. Not now."

"No," she said. "No,
(or)
"No," she said, "no,

All of your apostrophes seem to be non-standard characters that are
likely to look completely different on other platforms. Suggest you
replace them with regular ASCII apostrophes.

This was in late August, a month or so after the Unholy Big Row between
Akane and Nabiki. It was also after Kasumi had started to attend an
evening class, with a peculiar older man in the same class who had just
begun to pop up in the neighbourhood, making her family members a tad
nervous and suspicious. The Great Piglet Revelation was still in the
future, but not very far off anymore. On other fronts, Shampoo was still
blissfully unabducted, and Konatsu had yet not stumbled upon the recipe
for Benten�s Love Dumplings.  

First off, I'd recommend skipping a line between paragraphs, or
indenting, or both. Otherwise the only way to spot breaks is when the
ending line of one is short, which won't always be the case.

Second, while trying to set a context for your scene is good, this feels
like a lot of information that's been stuck in here arbitrarily, not as
a natural part of the scene. Is one of the characters present thinking
all this? It doesn't seem likely, since it's referring to events that
haven't happened yet. Having your narrator talk directly to the readers
is bad storytelling.

Also, while the Capitalized Phrase For Something Important Enough To
Have Its Own Name is a legitimate device, try not to overdo it.

They had been talking a little about Soun Tendo�s recent decision, which
he had announced last night at dinner. Apparently. Soun�s cousin, who
lived over in Vancouver in Canada, was going to visit Tokyo for a
week-long visit, the first time in years. Naturally, he had asked if the
Tendos could put him up.

RANMA: Probably another self-insert character. Bleah.

For some reason, this had made Soun decide to
open the dojo up for classes again. He wanted the Saotomes, especially
his prospective son-in-law, to help out with the teaching. They had
several weeks to advertise and prepare themselves, since the cousin
wasn�t coming until late in September. (He would, in fact, be arriving
right in the agitation of the Great Piglet Revelation, and get a rather
skewered view of his host family as a result.)

Again, don't talk directly to the readers. If this is just a plan in
Ranma's mind, fine; if you're telling us that it's going to happen, you
shouldn't be, IMO.

"Well, you've never really taught before, did you?" she said. "You know
how to fight, but not teach.�"

A non-standard quote mark here between the period and the real quote
mark.

"Well, neither do you," Ranma pointed out. 
She nodded. "But Dad isn�t leaning on me to help out,� she said, �though

                                                      ^           ^
More non-standard quote marks here.

"All right, so I don�t have any experience of that stuff," he said. "But
you�ve got to start somewhere." A thoughtful look came into his eyes. He
turned and looked at his fiancee, tilting his head. "Say, do you want to
become my first student?" he said, nonchalance mingled with hope in his
voice.
Akane's eyes opened wide. "I mean," Ranma continued, "you did say just

Suggest a paragraph break after "wide", to keep Akane's action separate
from Ranma's dialog.

the other day that you wanted to be better, so that you could handle
people like that latest loonie by yourself if you had too..." He trailed

I think you meant "to" rather than "too".

"Hm," said Ranma uneasily, struck by a new thought. "What if your
teacher�s some looney, though? Or a pervert?" He could picture the scene
easily, with a naive, wide-eyed Akane stepping up in her yellow gi
saying �Please, sir, I want to learn martial arts, sir�, and how the
teacher, handsome yet lecherous, would smile and say, �Very good. Let me
just show you some useful pressure points�. Ranma clenched his fists.

Nice expressive bit here.

A loud snort from Akane interrupted these musings.
"In that case, I�ll just belt him and go look for a different teacher,"
she said drily. "Really, Ranma. Who do you take me for?"
"Someone who always gets caught up in trouble," he answered promptly.

Sheesh, look who's talking. ^_^;;; Ranma gets in a LOT more trouble than
she does.

He listened to the sounds of the neighbourhood around them. Family
fathers were coming home from work, opening and shutting gates and
doors. Dogs were barking. Teenagers were going out in clusters, talking
and laughing down the street. The sun was setting out of sight, beyond
the garden wall and the neighbouring houses. Only the very top of the
house was still basking in its reddish-golden light. 

Try to avoid so many "was" constructions. Direct forms like "dogs
barked" generally sound more dynamic.

Akane seemed a little different these days, he thought, more grown up or
something. Well, at least sometimes. He supposed that was a good thing.
Only, did this mean he had to act more grown-up as well? And what if she
was changing and growing too fast for him to keep up with her?

AKANE: Right, now you go get the body oil and cheetos, and I'll set up
the trapeze.

RANMA: I knew it. Did I tell you? I just knew it!

Boy, she's been quiet forever, thought Ranma, glancing at her. A few
minutes ago, she looked slumped and brooding; but now she looked more
languid again, much like him. She was resting her chin in one hand and
gazing upwards. He too looked up at the sky, growing darker by the
minute. Night was coming fast. He felt as if he could capture this
evening, this moment, to hold it cupped in his hand as if it were a
firefly. But why would he do that? 

I like the description of his feelings here.
 

AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: This came about from my wish to write a contemplative
piece, and to write more densely than I usually do. Feedback would be
much appreciated, whether critical or not. This is my first work of
fanfiction in prose.

All in all, a nice piece. I think you captured the spirits of the
characters quite well. Though I'd suggest cutting the stuff like the
Great Piglet Whatever It Was, which doesn't seem to have had anything to
do with the story. The Nabiki/Akane fight I'm not sure about; it did
kinda get tied in towards the end, but I think it'd help if we knew a
little more about it.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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