C&C is welcome, but I don't want to hear "oh,
but in typical fanon, Mr. Kuonji isn't *insert
gripe here*" I know I'm going against the grain in
a few things, here, and if you can't handle that,
don't read it.

It's not usually a good idea to start a request for C&C by saying you only
want a certain kind of C&C.  That tends to turn off people right away.  If
you have a thin skin for certain kinds of criticism, then don't send fics
out to an open list for C&C.  I think you'll find it valuable to see how
your fic is perceived by all kinds of fandom, even those who don't hold your
same views.  It at least gives you an insight into how your fic is being
received.  You're not obligated to respond to C&C you don't agree with.

Here follows my C&C.  =)  Feel free to use it as you will, including
ignoring it altogether.

    The air was cold and crisp for an early February afternoon in
Nerima.

It was a dark and stormy night.

Not a good start for a fic.  Fics need to draw you in right away, give you a
reason to continue reading.  This open merely gives us a Bulwer-Lytton kind
of feeling.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad descriptive paragraph, although you
should avoid using the passive voice as much as possible.  But find some
other means to draw us into the story.

 Mr. Kuonji was a middle-aged man, though he still
had the youthful posture and strength that came with
being a martial artist since he was a child.

Now you're suffering from what I call Sandborn-itis.  =)  Greg Sandborn has
a wonderful series called Nabiki: New Horizons that starts in the worst
possible manner - paragraph after paragraph of dull description, giving us
endless background in one huge info dump.  You're suffering from much of the
same here - there is some important information but it needs to presented a
bit better.  As a reader it's quite dull to plow through all this stuff to
get to the "good parts".

Try inserting some dialogue in here - perhaps a conversation with an idle
stranger who wants to help a man who's just standing around staring at
everything.

He always kept a letter or two with him, just
so that he could have a reminder of his daughter
wherever he went.

Nice touch.

Taking in a deep breath, he saw the sign, finally,

Finally, indeed.  =)  Not to make a huge thing out of it, but really, that's
a bit too much introspection.  It might actually be better to ditch it all
and just begin when he arrives in the restaurant.  Drop in the essential
introspective bits here and there during his conversation with her, but
consider dumping a lot of the above.

We, as readers, often find it more enjoyable to infer and deduce rather than
being flat-old told.  So maybe just hinting at what Kuonji is going through
would be better than a mass info dump.

She felt the corners of her mouth rise, her body
coming out of the brief spell of shock.  <snip>

I like this paragraph a lot.  =)  One tiny complaint, don't overuse
impersonal pronouns.  Slip in an "Ukyo" once in a while.

Somewhere between the bar and the phone, a light-hearted
skip entered into her step.

Not much to say about all that; nicely done, flawless grammar as far as I
could see, nicely paced.

It had been a rather boring day, so far.  <snip>

Argh!  More Bulwer-Lytton!  You can actually cut a lot of it.  Perhaps just
leave the last sentence as a relevant observation.

"Akane! You'll go with them," said Mr. Tendo, a decisive,
alarmed air about him.

As an aside, I like the way the title of this fic applies.  "The Father"
could mean Soun, Genma, or Kuonji.  It will be intersting to see how their
clashing wills affect their children.

    "Akane, I..."

    "Akane!"

    Happosai's voice was heard at almost the same instant

/sigh

It's quite a cliche that any time the two of them are going to have a "real"
moment, something comical happens to interrupt them.  =)  It's a bit
over-used, in the source material and in fanfics - but it's not out of
place, either.

"If you have anything that you need to talk about, you
can...you can tell me, ya know."

She actually smiled at that, bright and happy, then quickly
looked away as though she were trying to hide something.

"I know. Thank you."

Ooh, nice.  Not letting the cliche ruin the mood.  =)  You surprised me,
Denise, well done.

Interested to see what happens in Part 2.  I honestly have no idea what
direction this is going in - you've set up both pro-Akane and pro-Ukyo
moments, so it could go either way.  Or another direction altogether.

Wait!  I've got it figured - you said you're going in a direction you've
never seen anyone go before.  I have it:  "Ranma, since you appear to have
gender issues, I've decided you should marry someone else with the same kind
of issues - Konatsu."

=)  Overall a nice piece.  I'd still like to see the first part of the fic
either redone or removed altogether, but the rest is very well done.

-Richard

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