"The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

It was an honor for this humble member of the Tendo Clan to serve Japan
and our Emperor!" Kasumi stood up wobbly. "It was really nothing!"

stood up wobbily.
(or)
stood up, wobbly.

My spell checker says "wobbily" is not a real word. Not that I believe it.

It's not a real word. And "wobbly" isn't really meant to be used in that
grammatical context. Try "woozily" perhaps?

"Wobbly" is an adjective. "Wobbily" was my attempt to make it into an
adverb. If this is wrong (which it may well be) then you (Arthur, not
Lurker) should probably just rephrase it so you don't need to use it as
an adverb.

"But he won't stop crying, Nabiki!" Akane said, frustration growing.

Don't they have bigger things to worry about at this point? Aren't they
likewise concerned about Kasumi?

Yes, but their father needs to be slightly functional for them *and*
Kasumi.

Since when? The girls very rarely actually NEED Soun for ANYTHING.

They certainly don't seem to need him in this story. If they do, then
show us why they do.

This was purely an intro story for the Lois & Clark: Superman Unleashed
"shared" Universe to introduce Kasumi Tendo and how she became a
super-powered (75% of Superman actually) hero for Japan.

And people used to think making Kasumi the Lord God Almighty was weird...

Weird isn't necessarily bad, though. It really depends on what you do
with it. If you can tell a compelling story featuring Super-Kasumi, then
go for it. But it's not there yet, because we don't know why giving her
these powers is going to matter in the story.

In general, going into backstory before you've shown us the actual story
is a bad idea. Explaining how Kasumi got her powers ought to wait until
we get an idea what the consequences of those powers are going to be.
Understanding what's at stake in the story and how she figures into it
will make us *want* to know how she got that way.

I'm not totally sure what you mean here. This isn't Elvis "Las Vegas"
druggie/bum/singer. This is an Elvis who managed to get elected to the
Presidency, after all.

And this automatically makes him lose every single nuance of personality he
ever had?

Good ol' boys don't sober up THAT much for anything short of a funeral.
Hell, look at Bill Clinton when HE was in office.

(Hell, look at Dubya...)

No comment on that, as it's not really appropriate for this list. As far
as the Elvis in this story goes, the problem IMO isn't that he doesn't
act like the real-world Elvis. People can change, and fifty years is a
long time. The problem I had was that he wasn't showing much personality
of any sort. You've introduced President Elvis in your fic, but it
doesn't seem to make a difference, because President Elvis doesn't *do*
anything in your fic that President John Smith wouldn't have done.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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