Mark Shurtleff wrote:

Greetings, folks!

Here is the first complete draft of Relatively Absent Chapter 8.
Standard warnings applies as usual. Read at your own risk. :)

Oh, excellent.  I've been waiting eaerly.

First, overall comments.  I see you're still laying down the hooks
for future plot development.  Unlike some people, I have no problem
with that.  <evil grin>  It's the mark of a writer who's properly
thinking ahead and planning where his story is going.  That said,
this chapter seems to have less happening in it than the last couple.
Of course, you're setting up something with the Emperor, Ranma
is now reasonably competent in a number of her new attack forms, and
we got the mother-and-child-reunion (*must... resist... urge to
sing... Paul Simon...!*), so it hasn't exactly been static.  I did
feel a little shortchanged by the reunion scene -- it seemed rather
preemptory and undetailed.  I presume it's more a process than a
moment and we'll see additional material in the next chapter?

Speaking of which, despite the in-story explanation for the Emperor's
interest, I can't help but sense more groundwork laid here.  Why
bring out the satellite tracking of Ranma's movements if there isn't
going to be some official recognition of his new position?  I half
expect there to be an assassination attempt or something of that ilk
which Ranma (and his cousins) help thwart, but it requires his
transformation, bringing it very obviously to the attention of the
Emperor and staff... but that's just me.  <grin>

And I'm still wondering about one plot thread that's been hanging
for several chapters now... Hotaru's relationship to the Yamadas.
Will we be seeing that come back into the spotlight any time soon?

Overall, good writing, good story development.  This is shaping up
into one of my favorite epics, even this early on.

Now for a few piddling picky things, and a couple smart-alecky comments.

Her eyes suddenly crossed. "Hey, does this mean I've got some sort of
alarm clock stuck in my head now?"

Well, *duh*.  You're the guardian of *what*, Ranma?  <grin>

He's going to need good friends -
and *only* friends - around him for support to make it through this
period. You have my complete blessings in the long term, Midori-chan;

Oooh.  Grandma's not playing matchmaker, but she isn't going to
object to a match making itself, huh?

you know that. However, you will simply drive him away if he notices
you drooling down his cleavage anytime in the near future."

<snort>

What she had trouble coping with was her great-grandmother's presence
on the very top of her backpack and the nonsensical comments and
whooping noises she was voicing in some strange form of English. What
in the Goddess' name were "ridum cowboy" and "gettalong little doggie"
supposed to mean, anyway?

<snort>  Again with the comedy.  You'd think this was supposed to
be funny.  <grin>

But enough with my comedy...

For example, your 'friend' Ryouga would be
increasing prone to suicide 

   ^^^^^^^^^^

I spotted this in several places, but this is the only one I can
find right now.  You've obviously intended the adverb, but you've
got the adjective instead.  There is one location in particular
where you do this twice in a row, within two sentences and ten
words with the same word.  I noticed it during my first read-
through, but I can't find it now in part 1, so maybe it's in
part 2.

{{I believe that is a sufficiently valid reason to discontinue the use
of an emotional trigger for your ki attacks, is it not?}}

"Yeah," she replied, eyes wide. "It sure is."

Well, it's not like this Ranma is going to need that uberconfidence
to take on Saffron...

...or is it?

-- Bob

===============================================================================
Robert M. Schroeck          rms@eclipse.net         http://www.eclipse.net/~rms
===============================================================================
Please to remember
Eleven September --
Hijack, destruction and plot.
Our outraged reaction
To terrorist action
Should never be forgot.
===============================================================================

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'