At 07:46 PM 3/8/2004, Bob Schroeck wrote:

Okay, let's see if I can find any other picky things in part 2.
<grin>

Mark Shurtleff wrote:

"He's just a kid, not a goddamned superhero; it's not as if he can
simply vanish into thin air.

That's what *you* think, buster... <grin>

Run a full diagnostics on skywatch three
and check back. It's got to be something obvious."

Depends on your definition of "obvious"...

"Right," Kuroi nodded. He turned towards the young Yamada girl and
bowed. "My apologies for the inappropriate language, Harukichi-san."
"Thank you, Kuroi-san," Harukichi replied with her own bow. "Such a
reaction is quite common whenever Ranma-nechan is concerned.

<snort>

Khronos blinked, even as the disc of crimson light returned to her hand
and she, with new reflexes, returned the tiara to her brow. "Whoa.
That's some headgear."

Have I yet mentioned that I am enjoying the hell out of this
training scene?

Many thanks to Kenko for the basic outline of the Tiara section of this 
training scene. He keeps insisting on feeding me snippets instead of 
working on his own stuff. A *mixed* blessing, that is.

Note to Kenko: More Paragon, *please*?

Of course, it doesn't help when I actively *ask* him for a scenelet, either.

"Well, it was about time some part of this stupid uniform turned out to
be useful. I don't suppose the earrings turn into miniature hand
grenades, do they?"

No, but the cufflinks, when broken open and their contents mixed,
contain 1 cc of C-4...

Sorry, "Girl Days" flashback there...

Heh.  Didn't even think of that connection.

The ribbon stiffened along the
first dozen inches to form a very good facsimile of a gymnastics
ribbon.

The repetition of "ribbon" within the same sentence is a little
jarring.  Maybe a slight rephrase?

Good point.

Khronos grinned when the ribbon suddenly narrowed and extended to
several times its original length. The fuku-clad Guardian snapped her
new weapon against several nearby rocks, splitting each of them neatly
in two. She thought for a moment before beginning a new kata, the
ribbon twirling around her form in a complicated yet graceful pattern.
This was *fun*.

You know, I'm starting to really, really look forward to the first
encounter between the Senshi and Khronos...

I'm not sure the Senshi will share your enthusiasm <g>.

Khronos flopped down on a rock to rest for a moment. She had been
practicing for over five hours without a break and the heat and mid-
afternoon son

Ignoring the obvious jokes, I think you mean "sun".

/me blinks. Oh my. Fixed.

"EEEEEEEEEEE!" The green-hair maid

green-haired

There I go again. Fixed. Note to self: more caffeine when writing.

nearly leapt through the window she
had been looking out.

I don't usually harp on ending a sentence with a preposition, but this
one sounds so clunky...

Hmmm. The fix also ends with a prep, but sounds less clunky to me.

"Quite a bit since you left this morning," Aiko replied. "The family,
and you by name specifically, has been invited

Hm.  Since it's a compound subject -- "the family and you" -- this
should be "have been invited".  Even though "the family" does
explicitly include Ranma, the phrasing is such that you have
two subjects, and thus you need the plural form of the verb.

The compound subject really isn't needed, is it? Fixed.

Her bright cerulean eyes glistening with unshed tears, the spiritual
essence of Yasuko Saotome ran forward to luxuriate in the gentle crush
of her father's embrace.

And as a connoisseur of cliffhangers, I must say, that is an
absolutely *evil* place to end the chapter.

Oh, good - that means I've done it correctly this time.

Hope you're having fun with this - I know I am!

Well, that makes two of us.  but let's see if the usual crowd is
unhappy that you haven't told all your plans and secrets yet.

Heh. You have to be a pre-reader to get *that* type of info.

============================================================
Mark Shurtleff
   email: gaijin@sfcmd.com
   irc alias: Gaijin -or- togashi_gaijin
   fanfiction homepage: http://www.sfcmd.com/fanfic
============================================================ 


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