elisteran wrote:

 "Getting lucky tonight, are we, Sir?" the maitre'd said drolly.

I think 'said, drolly' or 'drolly said'

I think it works without the comma

noted her head was turned away as she examined one of the nearby

paintings.

However, it was turning back toward him.

While that technically works, it seems to dehumanize Kachiko, and
rings oddly. I'd suggest 'she was turning back'

Good point. Will change.

I liked Tarou and Kachiko's conversation in the bathroom (particularly
its ending).

Had to have an abduction in there somewhere. I didn't intro Tarou to not
have him do something major like this.

The hold continued to fill with water as Tarou flew up to the hole. It

was

large enough to accommodate his massive, bovine shoulders. Now it was his
turn to have superior maneuverability.

This middle sentence felt clumsily worked in.

will reword.

I'm sorry I don't have time for more detailed criticism;

that's fine.

but I enjoyed

this chapter. I thought the fight with Tarou was good in terms of
length (there were several places, like the hold issue above, where I
thought needed information felt a bit out of place as presented), but I
can see the argument about the pain at the end going on a little long.

Will try to trim a bit.

(On the other hand, I am tired as I write this, which affects my
tastes :-) Kachiko's emotions helped seal that this situation is in a
real pickle; just when I was starting to think a happy ending was in
sight, too :-)

You'll find out in two more postings of this.

Looking forward to the next part.

need to hear from two others, then it'll come up.

DB Sommer

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