I intended to send this soley to the author, but felt that since I had sent my earlier response to
the list, then it was necessary to send this too, as I wish to express my sincerist apologies to
the author for having wasted his time, and pubicly posted overbearing and assumptive comments.

<snip>

The girl smiled.
I was also taught something concerning smiles. There are many different kinds of smiles, so

just

using the word on its own isn't enough. It's a weak description.
The girl confidently smiled.
... vaguely smiled.
... sadly smiled.
 

Do I have to do that EVERY TIME someonesmiles, though? Sounds very awkward.

It's only awkward if you go back over it to describe every smile. Otherwise, it's not very
noticeable during writing.

<snip>

Just noticing �. That's a character specific to some platform or other. You want to avoid such
fancy effects when sending to the list, and just use plain ol' ascii text, with _all_ special

font

options turned off, as many people get a blob, 'stead of �.
If it's MS Word you're using, turn off all AutoCorrect options.
 

Don't know Word well enough to be able to do that. maybe I should just 
stop posting to the list if it's drawing such strong complaints.

 
Nah. It ain't no complaint. Just a comment - there's people on this list to whom I'm a very nice
guy in comparison. But I've had it hammered into my brain over and over again till I learned - not
everyone uses Windows. ^_^

Anyway, with MS Word, AutoCorrect is under Options. Scroll down, enter the menu, and just uncheck
every button that's there. That'll take care of every problem that it presents. With your email, I
don't know anything though.

<snip>

At this moment, I can't feel there's been anything in the scene between Anya and her parents

that

has given us, the reader, anything new.

There's happiness, pride, and announcements about how the world should be. It's kinda...

boring.

Where's the conflict? The blood? Violence?

 

In a family scene? I'm trying to conmvey that this is a happy family 
that is used to dealing with bandits, and worse. Why should any family 
in fiction be at each other's throats?

And it's not very entertaining, even in that context. If there's no conflict, there's no point.
Cut the scene, rework it, or do something where something's happening besides something that'll
make the reader want to skip ahead, or stop reading entirely, and move onto something else.

Maybe Anya's feeling insecure about being in her parents' shadows. Maybe she's worried. Angry.

Maybe it's a bumpy road, and Anya's worried about the carriage falling apart before they even
reach their destination, and it all falls apart, spilling her nekkid parents out into the open
with a shocked public, and she's trying to get the carriage there before such happens.

A story is only interesting when there's something that the character is struggling against -

in

the earlier scene, it was Anya beating the bandits. But this scene is trailing off, leaving the
reader with nothing to chew on.

 

It's coming.

And to be honest, the earlier part was just too easy for Anya too. Bandits are professionals at
being bandits, and would know how to fight. One would think a 'bandit hunter' still in training
would be a little more pressed to fight against them - it'd be more interesting if something

that

made Anya worried happened! As it is, it's kinda alright, but I'm left a little lacking in the
'wow' factor.

 

How familair are you with "Slayers"? The point of the scene was to show 
how well Anya had been trained by her parents, who are bandit-hunters 
without peer.

I may be making mountains out of molehills. If you're hurt or insulted by what I say, I again
apologise.

The point of the scene was to show 
how well Anya had been trained by her parents, who are bandit-hunters 
without peer.

Maybe this is true, but it's still not as interesting as it could be.

I've been overwealmed so many uber-powered-save-the-world-by-lifting-only-a-single-finger stories
that if I even begin to sense such a feeling in a story, I flee in utter terror. Sometimes though,
this feeling goes off even if it's unwarrented.

But my point originally was, if we know what the ending's going to be, why do we need to stay for
the whole story?
 

Mom1?
Mom!

 

Sorry. The typo monster again.

Semi-colons should be avoided in prose. Either use a period, or if it makes no sense that way,
then you need to revise so a semi-colon isn't necessary.

And right now, there's a too much telling, and not enough showing going on.

If the Royal family of Seyruun isn't right in front of me, why should I care about them?

They're

out of sight, out of mind.

 

Not to people who want to know what's been happening in the Slayers 
universe these past 25 years. I'm attempting to present some backstory 
for Anya. This seemed the best way to do it, since they won;t get to 
Seyruun for some time.

If you say so, but I still feel it's best to wait until it's needed to give the reader this info.
Otherwise, it's unnecessary.

<snip>

I've published books before, though not fiction, so i do know a little 
something about the English language.

I suppose I may have been a bit over enthusiastic in my effort to give you my comments.

I read something that I like for some reason or other, then I feel I need to contribute something
to the author. Perhaps comments, or a well done, or at least something.

But if this response indicates that what I've given you is useless, then I sincerely apologise.
I've done my best but it obviously wasn't enough.

I won't bother you again with my silly comments.

Troy Thomas

=====
My scribblings are found at my webpage:
http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/

______________________________________________________________________ 
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