I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug
Part 5: In Stercore Profundus Est/A Little Night Music/The Day Tokyo-3 Stood 
Still
A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic by Logan J. Goodhue
*** Disclaimer***
Neon Genesis Evangelion is � and � GAINAX, et al.
This story is for nonprofit entertainment only.
First Version, 17JAN2003, Current Version 05APR2003
******

In Stercore Profundus Est

	I was in deep shit. Really. I stood in front of Commander Ikari's office 
with my hand held in midair. Part of me wanted to run, hide, and perhaps 
curl up in a ball somewhere dark. Whatever the Bastard King wanted with me 
just couldn't be good. I moved my hand towards the palm plate. Just before I 
made contact, I jerked it back. I repeated the cycle a couple of times.

	'This is silly,' I thought. 'Just go in there and talk to the scary man. 
It's not like he's going to kill me before the Thirteenth Angel comes.' I 
took a deep breath and touched the plate. The door whooshed open, and I 
entered the lion's den.

	The office was just as I expected it to be, dark and forbidding. I 
nervously looked around the room. The qabbalistic Tree of Life was traced in 
silvery light on the glowing red ceiling, casting strange shadows. In the 
center of the room was the Commander's desk, and beyond it a massive picture 
window displayed an impressive view of the geofront. Gendou Ikari sat behind 
his desk in his trademark pose: elbows on the desk with hands crossed in 
front of his bearded face, and light reflecting off his glasses, hiding his 
eyes. The total effect was much more intimidating than I thought it would 
be. I nervously cleared my throat.

	"You wanted to see me, Commander?" I asked.

	"Indeed," he stated, adjusting his glasses and then returning his hands to 
their folded position. "Section Two, Doctor Akagi, and Rei have informed me 
of the . . . incident this morning."

	I frowned. "I see. Does Doctor Akagi have any theories?"

	"At the moment, no." Gendou raised his head and looked directly at me. "Do 
you?"

	I wilted under his gaze. 'Damn, is this guy scary!' I thought. I gulped and 
tried to regain my composure. "Well, I think that I may still be connected 
to the Dummy Plug system. I had another 'incident' this afternoon."

	"Explain."

	 'I'd better keep this formal.' I thought. "I was socializing with Pilot 
Sohryu and our class representative at an ice cream parlor. Apparently, as I 
was starting to enjoy a fruit sorbet, Rei began synchronizing with the Dummy 
Plugs." The Commander's stony silence unnerved me a little, but, as he made 
no move to speak, I continued. "After an excruciating headache, I was 
convinced that I was her for approximately half an hour. Pilot Sohryu 
brought me to my apartment, and attempted to contact Major Katsuragi about 
the situation."

	Gendou's mouth formed a thin line. "Her rank is Captain." I bowed my head 
as he continued. "Was the Second Child successful in contacting her?"

	"No," I said softly. "After that, I had recovered myself. I was about to 
contact Doctor Akagi about the incident, when you called."

	"Good. You will see her tomorrow after school for a series of tests."

	"Yes, sir." I paused, stroking a nonexistent goatee thoughtfully. "Did you 
want anything else, sir?"

	"While you're here, we may as well discuss your standing orders." He 
reached into his desk and pulled out a manila folder. He opened it, examined 
the contents briefly, and then put it away. "The scenario is quite explicit 
as to the importance of the Fourth Child. You are to get close to the 
Third."

	I glared at him. "I won't sleep with him." I crossed my arms. "I'm not into 
incest. I'll be his friend. I'll be his sister. I'll even be his aunt." I 
walked over and placed both of my hands on his desk. "But I won't be his 
lover," I hissed.

	He looked at me calmly, completely unaffected by my outburst. "The degree 
to which you go is irrelevant. He simply must care deeply whether you live 
or die. However, please remember that your genetic heritage is classified. 
Dismissed."

	I turned stiffly and walked out of the office, thinking about what had been 
on the folder he had looked at. It had been labeled in English: Transit 
Orders for Unit 03.

A Little Night Music

	I returned to a darkened apartment. I flipped the switch in the hallway and 
took off my sneakers. I put them in their proper place, next to a pair of 
white, pull-on shoes. 'Rei must be home,' I thought with a smile, hearing 
the shower running as I walked into the kitchen.

	An empty package of instant ramen sat next to a green tea can on the table. 
Sighing, I resolved to clean up after I had my own dinner. Just as I was 
about to check on my erstwhile sister, the phone rang. I dashed across the 
room and answered it.

	"Ayanami residence," I said cheerfully. "Emi speaking."

	"This is Section Two," a gruff voice responded. "A delivery truck from Red 
Star Family Department Store has arrived. They claim that you purchased an 
entertainment system. Is this correct?"

	"Yes," I replied.

	"Very well," the voice said. "Two agents will accompany the delivery men. 
Good bye." The line went dead and I hung up the phone. I heard the shower 
turn off.

	I knocked gently on the bathroom door. "Rei? We've got visitors coming up, 
so you'd better get dressed quickly." The door opened, and Rei walked out, 
nodded at me, and went into her room to dress. My face was burning. While I 
had seen naked Reis before, I'd been in shock so I couldn't appreciate the 
view. Yes, I'd seen myself in a mirror, but somehow Rei herself affected me 
more. "Sis," I murmured, "you've got to learn some feminine modesty. 
Otherwise, I'm gonna die from terminal nosebleeds."

	I quickly tidied up the apartment a little, putting my shopping purchases 
in my room and clearing space in the living room for the entertainment 
center. Just as I kicked a beanbag chair into place, the doorbell rang. I 
went to the door and peered through the peephole. Seeing the two men in 
black, and recognizing them, I opened the door.

	"Good evening, gentlemen," I said. I bowed and gestured for them to enter. 
"It's good to see you again on more friendly terms, Agent Oeda, and you as 
well, Agent Kanzaki."

	"Good evening, Miss Ayanami," they replied in unison. Oeda continued, 
"We'll need you to sit in the kitchen as the boxes are delivered."

	I nodded. "Of course. Will you help me set it up? I'm pretty sure you need 
to open it up to make sure that nobody's planted bugs inside."

	Kanzaki smiled as Oeda walked to the door. "I don't see why not." He 
accompanied me into the kitchen, and I sat down as Oeda led the deliverymen 
in. They brought in a total of five boxes on two dollies. Kanzaki was an 
imposing presence beside me, and I noticed the deliverymen scurry out of my 
apartment as quickly as they could. As soon as they left, the Section Two 
agent's face softened as though a mask had slid off it.

	"Well, Miss Ayanami," he said, gently setting a hand on my shoulder, "let's 
get your entertainment center cleared and set up."

	"Yes, let's," I said ruefully. "After the day I've had, I need to listen to 
some music to calm me down." We walked into the living room to find Oeda 
sitting on the floor amidst cardboard boxes, bubble wrap, and Styrofoam 
peanuts, while Rei stood in the doorway to her room, staring at the scene 
impassively.  The wrinkles on her school uniform indicated that it was the 
same outfit she'd been wearing this morning. Shaking my head slightly, I 
gently dislodged Kanzaki's hand and walked over to her.

	I stood beside her and watched Oeda gut my stereo system. Apparently Rei 
found this interesting, because her gaze never seemed to waver. Personally, 
I hoped he knew what he was doing. I wasn't too sure what the exchange rate 
was, or how much inflation had impacted the world, but fifty thousand yen 
was still a lot of money. I didn't relish the idea of having just a 
paperweight when he was done. Ten minutes of waving a little gizmo back and 
forth later, he closed up the case. Then, after a mere half hour, I stood 
before a sleek console connected to our television with a universal remote 
in hand. Five small speakers were placed to provide a rudimentary home 
theatre. I grinned and raised the remote like a talisman.

	"Switch on!" I proclaimed in terrible English and activated my stereo. A 
slight hum rose from the speakers, and I dashed over to the digital media 
discs that had been part of my order. I selected a classical music sampler 
and inserted it into the DMD player. Moments later, Beethoven's "Moonlight 
Sonata" filled the room. I placed the beanbag chairs in the optimal position 
to watch TV and listen to my stereo, and then I waved goodbye as the Section 
Two agents left.

	I plopped down in one of the beanbags and just let the music wash over me 
like a soothing sonic bath. I could feel the tension of the day slip away 
through the Sonata, and then into Mozart's "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik." I 
almost didn't notice as Rei sat beside me. I did, however, notice when she 
was staring at my face. She watched me for a moment and then closed her eyes 
and listened to the music. We sat a while in quiet companionship, until she 
turned to face me again.

	"Emi," she said.

	"Yes, Rei?"

	"This is . . . pleasant."

	Smiling, I put an arm around her shoulder and gave her a quick hug. "Yes, 
it is. I'm glad I could share it with you." She didn't respond, but then, 
she didn't need to. Her acceptance of the hug was good enough for me.


The Day Tokyo-3 Stood Still

	The following day at school was sheer torture. I wasn't quite used to the 
concept of a half-day of school on Saturday, and, to make my rapidly 
darkening mood worse, my shoe locker was full of love notes. While the 
teacher was droning the same tired Second Impact lecture, I filtered through 
them and split them into three piles: those meriting a polite refusal, those 
meriting nothing but an immediate trip to the recycling bin, and those 
meriting Asuka's special touch. Only she could help me provide the lesson 
the sexist pigs who wrote them needed. Even when I was in my original body, 
I had hated sexists of both genders. Now that I was an attractive girl, I 
was sickened even more. Fortunately, the middle pile was by far the largest, 
while the first and third each had only two and three notes, respectively.

	I jotted a quick note and folded it around the "pig pile." I waited for the 
teacher to look down at his notes, and then passed the bundle to Asuka. She 
quickly read the note, and, glaring briefly at the boys responsible, nodded. 
I smiled back at her and dealt with the two notes I felt I had to respond 
to. I penned my response to one of the notes, informing the poor guy that I 
wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone at the moment, and then sat 
and pondered the last note.

	It was well written, and if I had been a normal girl, I might have swooned 
over it. That wasn't what concerned me. Many of the other notes had been 
just as flattering. I was concerned because of the person who wrote it. 
Kensuke Aida. How was I going to gently let him down without crushing the 
poor dweeb? I really didn't want it noised about that I was effectively a 
lesbian, but how else could I stave off unwanted advances from the guys? I 
noticed everyone beginning to tense in the room, and I looked towards the 
front. The teacher was looking at his watch.

	"Well, class, that's almost all for the day," he said. The class relaxed, 
and I could feel the emotions in the room lighten. The teacher continued. 
"However, we will soon be having career guidance meetings, please inform 
your parents. Dismissed." The familiar stampede of students leaving the 
classroom greeted those words.

	I gathered my things and made my way outside. As I walked over to where Rei 
and Asuka were waiting, I couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. Not 
only was I supposed to have Doctor Akagi probe and prod me, but also all of 
the EVA pilots were supposed to have synch tests. Wanting to think about 
something other than EVA for a moment, I wondered whom I was supposed to 
tell about the career guidance . . .

	'Oh, shit!' I thought, seeing Shinji talking on a green pay phone. 'There's 
an angel attack today!' I jumped as I felt a hand settle on my shoulder. I 
turned and met ice-blue eyes.

	"Hey, Blue," Asuka said with a hint of amusement in her voice. "You look 
nervous. Afraid I'll show you up today?"

	I smiled wanly. "I'm not afraid of that. You'll definitely show me up. It 
will only be my second time in an EVA, you know." Asuka gave me a flat look, 
and I continued. "Well, I just . . . have a bad feeling today. Something 
isn't right."

	Disbelief colored her voice. "Okay . . ."

	Over at the pay phone, Shinji looked at the handset with shock. Sadly, he 
set it back in its cradle and walked over to us. His normal hangdog 
expression seemed even more morose than usual.

	"So, Ace," I teased, "what did your old man have to say?"

	"I'm not sure," Shinji replied. "We were cut off in the middle." We began 
walking towards headquarters and continued our conversation. Asuka stretched 
and put her arms up behind her head.

	"That's only because he was just too busy," she said.

	Shinji paused thoughtfully. "I was wondering about that. I think there was 
a failure rather than him just hanging up on me."

	Asuka looked angrily over her shoulder. "What kind of man are you, getting 
all bent out of shape over every little thing?" I shook my head sadly as 
Shinji lowered his head. I walked up next to Asuka as we cleared the hill.

	"Aren't you being a little harsh on him?" I asked in German. I absently 
noted that the traffic signals were off and grimaced a little.

	"Why shouldn't I be? He's such a wimp!" She turned a hooded gaze towards 
Shinji. Most people wouldn't have noticed the slight softening of her 
expression.

	"'You always hurt the one you love,'" I muttered to myself in English as we 
reached headquarters. I looked out the corner of my eye at Asuka and smiled 
craftily. She was trying to hide a blush. 'Maybe I can get them together 
before "the Kiss,"' I thought hopefully. I shook myself out of my reverie as 
Asuka shouldered her way past Rei to the card reader for the main entrance 
and knocked Shinji aside. 'Or maybe not.'

	"The verdammt thing's broken!" the redhead wailed, glaring angrily at her 
ID card. I stepped up beside her and turned a careful eye to the reader. 
Since I already knew what was wrong, I made a show of looking it over, and 
sighed softly.

	"It's not broken, Asuka," I said. "I think the power's out." I opened my 
satchel and began to dig for my emergency manual. As I did that, my fellow 
pilots checked the other doors and tried the direct-access phones, with no 
results. I read the pamphlet and groaned at the obvious instructions. I 
cleared my throat and read aloud. "In the event of a power outage, 
Evangelion pilots are to proceed immediately to their Evangelions with all 
due haste."

	Shinji stood in confusion for a moment, his eyes flickering between Asuka, 
Rei, and myself. "Huh?" he asked eloquently. He pointed at what I was 
reading, while Asuka and Rei dug their manuals out. "What's that?"

	"Are you stupid?" Asuka asked, exasperated. "It's our emergency manual. You 
know, a manual we read in the case of an emergency, like, oh, say, the power 
being out?" She walked over and cuffed him in the back of the head. I noted 
with some interest that it wasn't as hard as she could have hit him. 
"Anyway, in a situation like this, we need a leader."

	I grinned. "Do you have anyone in mind, Red?" I knew what was coming.

	"Naturally, I should be the leader," she said grandly. "Any objections?" I 
shook my head, Rei read her manual, and Shinji stood dumbstruck. "Right, 
let's go!" She turned sharply on her heel and began to look for an entrance.

	Rei looked up from her manual. "I believe we can use Route Seven to reach 
the geofront." She pointed in the direction Asuka was facing away from. Our 
erstwhile leader gasped in frustration and followed Rei to the door to Route 
Seven. I followed suit, and Shinji brought up the rear. As we arrived, he 
looked on in confusion.

	"But the doors don't work," he said, and then brightened as he spied the 
crank to the right of the door. "Ah! A manual door."

	Asuka grinned. "Well, Shinji, get cranking!" Shinji opened his mouth to 
protest, but the redhead just glared at him. He bowed his head, and she 
stood confidently as he started to strain at the crank.

	Shinji grunted as the door opened centimeter by centimeter. "Hnnnh! You . . 
. only rely on me . . . in situations like this."

	"Don't you know that it's a gentleman's duty to open the door for a lady?" 
I asked, half joking. Judging from the effort he was putting into it, the 
door must have been very difficult to open. A minute later, the door was 
open enough for us to go through.

	We entered the dark tunnels and began walking. The tunnels here had never 
been the most friendly of places when well lit, and the gloom made them 
eerie. Only their sheer size kept them from being oppressive. I kept close 
to Rei, knowing that she knew where we were going. That also allowed Shinji 
and Asuka to bicker in at least the illusion of privacy. I almost cursed the 
sharper senses I now possessed because I couldn't quite tune out the 
arguments. Every time we reached a junction, Asuka insisted on choosing the 
direction. Mainly because I knew we'd reach the EVAs in time, I let her. 
Shinji however was not quite as generous.

	"It usually takes only two minutes to get there," Shinji complained 
nervously. "Are you sure that this is the way, Asuka?"

	Asuka huffed. "I'm sure that if we continue this way, we'll reach the 
geofront in no time." She turned towards me. "Isn't that right, Blue?" Not 
wanting to get involved in the argument, I shrugged noncommittally.

	"I don't know," he said, not convinced. "You've been saying that for the 
past few minutes now."

	"You worry too much about every little thing!" Asuka began to rant.

	Suddenly, I felt a strange sensation run through my body, as though I was 
standing next to a pipe organ rumbling its lowest, loudest chord.

	::Duty.:: It wasn't quite like I heard the word; it was more like I felt 
the meaning of it.

	Rei tilted her head, listening. "Be quiet," she said forcefully, 
forestalling the burgeoning argument between Shinji and Asuka.

	"Wonder Girl . . ." Asuka seethed warningly. She began to clench her teeth 
as I noticed a sound in the distance.

	"A voice," Rei said. She looked directly in the direction of the sound, and 
it became clearer.

	"--N #%-gel is c*&ing! Repeat . . ." a male voice said distorted by both 
the public address system he was using and the Doppler effect. I was able to 
catch a flash of headlights and the shape of a van racing by through the 
pipes near the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught the flash of 
recognition on Shinji and Asuka's faces.

	"It's Hyuga!" they shouted in unison, and began waving. It was a pointless 
gesture, but I figured they needed it. Asuka stopped and seemed to listen, 
while Shinji was still shouting for attention. He stopped as the truck drew 
near enough for him to clearly hear the message.

	"An Angel is coming!" His voice was frantic. "Repeat. An Angel is coming 
now!" An expression of dread overtook Shinji, while determination set on 
Asuka's face. Rei, on the other hand, was looking directly at a ventilation 
duct. She looked back at me with a questioning look in her eyes. I nodded, 
agreeing with her unspoken question.

	"We can't waste time," my sister said flatly. "We should take a shortcut." 
She began to make her way towards the duct.

	"Hey!" Asuka shouted, a frown marring her beauty. "I'm the leader here! 
Don't do things on your own initiative without my permission."

	I sighed softly and helped Rei open the duct. "Asuka," I said gently, "one 
of the traits of a good leader is knowing when to listen to one's 
subordinates." I set the grille to the side and looked Asuka in the eye. 
"This is one of those times, okay?" I set my hand on her shoulder, smiled, 
and then entered the duct.

	It was much larger than I thought it would be, a perfectly square duct 
approximately a meter and a half wide. I guessed that if I were a child of 
about six or seven, I would be able to walk upright, but as it was, we had 
to crawl on our hands and knees. Each movement of our passage stirred up a 
layer of dust, and I was sure that Asuka was due to complain at any moment.

	"Damn it!" she fumed from behind me. "This may be a shortcut, but we're 
getting filthy."

	"Look at it as a fashion statement," I quipped. "The Tokyo-3 collection: 
School uniforms and ten-year-old dust. It's all the rage!" The Teutonic 
muttering behind me indicated Asuka's less than glowing review of my comedy, 
while Shinji chuckled gently.

	Rei led us unerringly past several junctions, and we traveled in relative 
silence until Shinji spoke.

	"Hey, Asuka," he said. "What do you think the Angels are?" I looked back 
over my shoulder to catch the conversation.

	Asuka seemed annoyed. "What are you blabbing about at a time like this?" I 
caught a look at Shinji, who seemed thoughtful.

	"Angels." He continued. "They were supposedly messengers of God, and yet, 
we call our enemies Angels. Why are we fighting against them?"

	Asuka sighed in apparent exasperation. "Are you stupid? These things are 
attacking us, you know! It's only natural that we defend ourselves."

	"Oh," he said. "What about you, Emi? What do you think?"

	I blinked. I hadn't expected him to ask me anything after Asuka berated 
him. "Well," I said finally, "unlike a lot of people, I was never under the 
impression that angels were all harps, wings and haloes. You see, in the 
Bible, in the Old Testament, whenever God wanted to punish or test someone, 
he sent an angel. Personally, I think the Angels we face are either testing 
us or punishing us for the hubris of some of our scientists 'playing God.'"

	"Oh," Shinji said in a small voice as we exited the ductwork and returned 
to a corridor. I was glad to notice how much cleaner this passage was. After 
a minute or two, we reached a fork in the way. Asuka stood contemplating the 
choices. After a moment, she struck a fist into her palm and made a 
decision.

	"Well," she said, "to the right!" She turned and began to walk up the right 
corridor.

	Rei turned and pointed down the other one. "I think it's to the left," she 
said softly.

	"Rot in Hell, Wonder Girl!" the redhead snapped. I flinched at the 
vehemence in her voice. "What do you think, Shinji?"

	"Umm," he temporized. "I . . . I don't know . . ."

	"Typical," Asuka sneered and then turned angrily to me. "How 'bout you, 
Blue? You got anything to add?"

	Not wanting to cause a scene with Asuka while we had more important things 
to do, I replied calmly. "No, since you're supposed to be the leader of this 
little slumber party, we'd better just follow you."

	"You're right!" Asuka beamed and strode forward purposefully. "Let's go!"

	The walk through that corridor was the hardest thing I had ever done. A 
cold pit of dread formed in my stomach, and yet, I felt a strange sensation 
of joy. That was odd. The fear was right; I knew we'd see Matariel in just a 
few minutes. The joy confused me. The sensation I had before returned with a 
vengeance. Where before, it had felt like a pipe organ, it now felt like I 
stood next to the speakers at a heavy metal concert.

	::DUTY.::

	I staggered a little, causing Rei to look at me oddly. Is that concern I 
see? I thought. My palms were sweating, and I felt cold. If I were in a 
movie, the background music would be building tension. I smiled weakly at 
Rei and tried to gesture that everything was all right. She nodded slightly 
and continued. As we walked, I noticed that the tunnel we were in began to 
slope upward.

	Shinji noticed, too. "As I suspected," he said, "this tunnel leads up."

	Asuka looked back over her shoulder with an expression that could melt 
hardened battleship steel. "What do you mean, 'As I suspected?'" She 
narrowed her eyes and brushed aside the comment. "You talk too much!" We 
continued on and saw the door ahead. "Aha! This time, for sure!"

	"Oh, no," I said in a small voice. "Please don't open the door, Asuka," I 
whispered. Time seemed to slow down.

	Asuka bounded towards the door.

	My hands seemed to rise up to my mouth of their own accord.

	Asuka raised her leg for a kick.

	My heart pounded.

	::DUTY.::

	The muscles in her leg tensed.

	Like moving through molasses, I tried to stop her.

	Shinji blinked.

	Her foot began its arc . . .

*****

	AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm an evil bastard, aren't I? >:)

	Seriously, this chapter took a lot of effort for me, and REAL LIFE intruded 
terribly, between my job and family medical crises. I hope that I can get 
Chapter Six out a little faster . . .

	Truth to tell, this angel battle probably won't be changed much, but the 
differences are going to start accruing by the time Sahaquiel drops in. So, 
tune in next time for I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug, Chapter Six: Jonny Quest, 
I'm Not.

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