hmelton@daviscomp.com wrote:

I don't own "Lois & Clark the new adventures" or Ranma 1/2.
No copyright infringement is intended by this fanfic. 

Credit the specific creator(s) of the characters by name.

"Go on Kasumi that's your cue, I mean that's Rising Sun's cue."

"Go on, Kasumi, that's

("Kasumi" here is used as an address -- it identifies who is being
spoken to -- so it must be set off by commas.)

Waldeker smiled after speaking and gently pushed down on the hovering
girl's shoulder, his smile shifting to a sly grin Waldeker said "This

Need a period after "grin".

Suggest dropping the "Waldeker said", since we already know he's
speaking in this paragraph. If you do keep it, add a comma after it.

A moment later Waldeker's smile vanished as he heard a distant "Oh 
My" and his x-ray vision revealed that Kasumi had stiffened and 
frozen for an instant just below the clouds. Waldeker thought "Maybe 
it wasn't such a bright idea telling her not to look at the crowd 
until she had to."

Since he isn't actually speaking this, it shouldn't be in quotes. You
could use another delimeter, though my suggestion would be to just work
the thought directly into the narration instead of explicitly quoting
it:

frozen for an instant just below the clouds. Maybe it hadn't been such a
bright idea telling her not to look at the crowd until she had to.

Putting aside his concern when Rising Sun continued to descend he
returned to scanning the crowd below the worry trying to creep back. 

below, the

Rising Sun, she was so young, just a girl, and Japan was asking her
fill a Ultrawoman's shoes."  

Is he saying this last bit, or thinking it? Either add an opening quote
mark or remove the closing one.

"Perverts!" Agent Dan Bar glanced from the TV and silently decided
this time he agreed with the youngest Tendo the camera men were 

Suggest: youngest Tendo that the
(or) youngest Tendo: the

paying entirely to much attention to the large Red Dot on Rising 

too much

Sun's uniform.  Dan glanced at the three Tendo's watching and thought 

Tendos

Add the apostrophe to make a possessive ("This was all Tendo's idea,
master!") or a contraction ("Tendo's in a lot of trouble, then.") It can
also be used to indicate where part of something has been omitted
("Ma'am, I'm fixin' t' practice mah new folksy accent t'day.") Don't use
it if you just want more than one of something.

about the first time he had enter this house noting the changes a 

entered

The TV and VCR were only two of the many changes Kasumi had 
indirectly brought to there life and Dan wondered about their 

to their life

reactions when Kasumi finally decided to tell them she was Rising 
Sun.  Despite taking twice weekly martial arts classes under Soun for 
eight months Dan wasn't prepared to guess how Rising Sun's father or 
sisters would react and that worried him . The Japanese were an odd 

him.
(remove extra space)

mixture of modern and medieval values and he had quickly discovered 
the Tendo's were among the oddest and most unpredictable.  

Tendos

Dan looked through the kitchen wall his attention pulled from the TV
and Rising Sun' possible family problems by the slight sound of the

Sun's

the Tendo's live in Security agent finishing the preparation of

Tendos' live-in security agent
(you're referring to more than one Tendo; "live-in" is a compound phrase
used as a descriptor, and so must be hyphenated; and there's no reason
to capitalize "security" here as it's a general class of thing and not
the name of a specific agency.

several bowls of popcorn, smiling as an idea came to him that might
irritate his Martial arts Senshi and possibly lift Ami's spirits, her

It's not clear at first glance that Ami is the live-in agent.

body language seemed to indicate she was a little down and he
suspected she was thinking about being transferred here a year ago
going from the emperors security staff, it must have felt like a 

emperor's
(here you do want an apostrophe, since you mean belonging to or
associated with the emperor)

Security agent Ami Tokugawa smiled as she tried to hand Dan a bowl of
popcorn, but instead found herself seated in his cushioned chair by a
flurry of ultra-speed martial arts moves. Blinking in surprise she
discovered a bowl of popcorn sitting in her lap and a single glass of
iced tea in her left hand she almost laughed as Dan gave her a low
european bow before taking the folding chair that she had meant for

European
(the name of a specific continent, so capitalize it)

herself and saying in an exaggerated english accent "The lady may 

English
(same here)

Add a period after "accent".

have my seat and I'll sit here after all it's not like I need a 

here. After

seat." to put emphasis to his words Dan was floating about five 

Capitalize "To" -- it begins a sentence.

Looking around the room for the vanished tray that had held the 
snacks and drinks Ami was surprised to see that each of the Tendo's

Tendos

was holding a bowl of popcorn and a drink, the faces of both girls

Run-on sentence.

drink. The
(or)
drink; the

were showing signs of surprise, but Soun's face showed a mixture of
irritation and approval after taking a drink of his tea he said

Another run-on.

irritation and approval. After taking a drink of his tea he said,

"Student your use of the still air techniques to move were passable,

"Student, your
("Student" identifies who's being spoken to)

but you must work harder your speed badly needs to improve I was able

improve. I

Ami watched as Dan gave a slight bow from his seated position and
mixed english and Japanese

Capitalize "English".

saying "Yes Senshi" before turning his

Unless Soun is wearing a short skirt, the word you want is "sensei" or
"teacher". You also need a comma after "yes" because once again,
"sensei" identifies who's spoken to.

attention back to the TV.  Ami knew that Agent Dan was only trying to
lighten her mood and he had, for a few moments, but it also served to
high light what had been bothering her all day.  Ami looked wistfully

"highlight" is one word.

at the TV watching the Ultrahuman standing to one side of the Prime

ultrahuman
(a general class of human, not the name of a specific group)

minister and wistfully thought "It should have been me." as she

Prime Minister
(capitalize both words)

Again, don't quote something like dialog unless it's actually spoken.
Suggest:

Prime Minister. It should have been me, she wistfully thought as she
(or)
Prime Minister. *It should have been me,* she wistfully thought as she

Nabiki watched her sister out of the corner's of her eyes as Agent

corners

Bar's cab turned a corner Akane was standing beside her a deep blush

corner. Akane

beside her, a deep

covering her face after asking the Ultra Agent to deliver a video 
tape of the Rising Sun  presentation to Kasumi. 

                       ^^
Accidental double space here.

Akane was at it again she had all the signs of a developing crush.   
Nabiki shook her head and thought "Little sister what makes you think 
you'll have a chance".

Again, don't quote unspoken thoughts the same way as spoken dialog. You
also need a comma after "Little sister" (it identifies who is spoken
to).

Dan's views of Kasumi were so obvious, he 
thought of her much like their father or rather as an America father 

American father

would think of his daughter.

Why the distinction? What would be different about an American father
than Soun? And if Dan's affections towards Kasumi are fatherly, how is
that competition for Akane anyhow?

Dan had readily admitted to the family that he had been the Ultraman 
that had flown Kasumi to the experimental medical center and after 
starting martial arts training under Soun he had quickly volunteered 
to watch over her for Soun.  He often delivered a short letter or the 
rare video tape with each training session visit.  Less than five 
weeks ago she and Akane had over heard a lengthy discussion their 

overheard

Both girls had listened as Dan went over a detailed background check 
of the boy with Soun and both girls had had to suppress giggles as 
their Father suggested that Dan be sharpening a sword when the boy 

their father
(only capitalize this when used as a name; "Hello, Father.")

came to pick up Kasumi.  A week later Nabiki had felt sympathy for 
the boy after Agent Dan said he had substituted cleaning a shotgun 
for the sword and that it had worked very well the boy had been a 

well. The boy
(or)
well; the boy

perfect gentleman on his date with Kasumi.

Why is that a worry anyhow? This Kasumi is a superwoman, for gods' sake.
If her date does get out of line, she's more than capable of keeping him
in line.

Nabiki shook her head and as Akane headed back through the gates 
subvocalizing "Move over Dr. Tofu".

"Move over. Dr. Tofu."

*     *      *

Kasumi frowned as she watched the videotape of Rising Sun's  
introduction to the world. She watched herself land by the Emperor, 
the Prime Minister and the American Ambassador. A hush had fallen on

the Prime Minister, and
(when you list more than two items, put a comma after each)

"Waldeker's Folly" wasn't a folly in her mind! She had gazed
peacefully for hours from the crystal windows set into one of the
five, stainless steel, milk-tanks that Waldeker had fashioned into a
crude space station.  Perhaps space garden would be a better term, 
Kasumi ruminated during the crowds roar of acceptance.  Why call it a

crowd's

There was even a room marked for Superman and Ultrawoman, but agent
Waldeker had confided in her that he and his wife didn't visit often.
Dragging her mind from the magnificent memories of viewing earth from

Capitalize Earth.

As with other installments of this series, I'm really not getting a good
sense of what the conflict is supposed to be, and (especially) what the
stakes are. Okay, so Kasumi wants to make a good impression. Roughly
what she gain if she succeeds or lose if she fails? This can be
something tangible (e.g. a supervillain waiting in the wings to tempt
her to the dark side) or just emotional (e.g. Kasumi is insecure and
really, really wants everybody to like her). But we need to have a
strong idea as to what the main character cares about, because if we
can't see that she cares, then we won't care either.

Hope this helps; good luck with this and/or any other fanfics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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