--- Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> wrote:
Adrian Tymes <wingcat@pacbell.net> wrote:
For those who don't know, a mecha (plural
"mecha") is a large
humanoid vehicle, typically 2 to 3 stories tall.
They differ from
standard exoskeletons (officially, "vehicles
similar in size and shape
to unmodified human beings") in three ways. First,
size. While there
is no official cutoff, I don't know of any
exoskeletons taller than 10
feet, head to toe, while the mecha I pilot are
usually closer to 30.
IMO, this opening's a trifle too expository. We
probably don't need all
of this background information before we've got much
reason to care
about it. It might be better to start right off
relating an encounter
with the mystery mecha, or at least describing the
general pattern of
the incidents, working these background details in
only when they are
germane and/or necessary.
This is what I was trying to do. Apparently I didn't
do it well enough.
I'd also like to learn
more of our hero's
motivations. Why does he do what he does? What is it
he really wants?
Ditto here.
Little does our hero know that Redd is really Fred
G. Sanford, an
elderly African-American junk dealer from El
Segundo.
On the Internet, no one can tell you're a dog.
REDD: Hey! He called me pretty!
REDD: You big dummy! How'd you like one across yo'
lips?
FLUFFY: Anytime. ^_-
My boss says Mega says the test piloting was
done by robot
dummies with simulation nervous systems. They
admit some of the
Suggest: with simulated nervous
Will change.
You know, I've tried to find your blog, but I
couldn't. Don't
all users of this system have to have their own
blog?
That'd be a dumb rule, considering you couldn't
require them to actually
POST anything on it....
Eh? Sure you could. "Inactive accounts will be
suspended," and all. Someone could keep
reregistering, but it'd at least be a nuisance.
Posted May 6th, 4:52 PM, by user reddfox1337:
Some kind? He runs the Digging-
Umm, nevermind. Not supposed to talk about that.
Should've gotten a five-second delay....
Should've gotten a keyboard after all, with that
all-important Delete key.
Posted May 6th, 4:56 PM, by user mechapd:
Wasn't hard to figure out.
Now there's an understatement. I have to say, this
gets my vote for
least surprising plot twist since... um, in quite
some time. Given all
of the obvious clues that point to Redd's guilt, you
really need to
throw in some red herrings to mislead us, or else
pick a different
conclusion (putting in some clues for that and
coming up with a reason
for all the misleading evidence).
Hmm. A bit too obvious. It'd probably take more than
a few red herrings, though...unless I wanted to pull
something like the suit being piloted by echoes of her
neural recordings left over (or salvaged/stolen) from
her test piloting (and make them unable to open the
suit to see there's no one inside, but able to hold it
for trial on the assumption there is someone there),
but that might require more exposition beforehand, the
presence of which would be a major clue it was going
to be significant.
I said mecha weren't the most practical for
most uses, right?
But what if Mega really really wanted to start
selling mecha, at a
high markup? Make its own market! Convince the
public there are
mecha criminals at large, who might be able to get
away time and
again, but at least mecha police can chase them
away. Mega's large
enough to buy up almost any competitor, except
those who can't be
bought, like Lower City. But those competitors can
be discredited,
say if they're identified as the source of mecha
criminals.
Now I know his mecha probably has powerful leg
muscles, but this leap of
logic is a bit much. :)
Geikigan THINK! ^_^;
It'd help if by this point
we'd seen some of
the reasoning and evidence that led up to the
conclusion.
Actually, you did see them. Or rather, the reasons
were in there, but perhaps a bit too obscure.
I dug. Now, can you lead me to your friends before
certain unfriendly
types find them? "Protective custody" is still on
the books. ^_^
REDD: This is the big one! 'lizbeth! I'm comin' ta
join ya, honey!
FLUFFY: You're coming? ^_^
REDD: >_< Do we have to rescue her too? It'll be
kind of cramped in here.
FLUFFY: I can do cramped! ^_^
MECHAPD: What have I gotten myself into? o_o;
FLUFFY: The question is, what can we get you into?
this was my trap for you enviousss
i needed proof you were unethical
you are so fired
- chairman, mega corporation
This part, on the other hand, really didn't work for
me. It seems like
you're trying to force a "feel-good" ending where
everything works out
for the best, and it kind of undermines what you've
built up in the rest
of the story. It's not all that important after all
that Mechapd
succeed, because benevolent authority is looking out
for him and will
set everything right in the end.
Eh? What gave you the impression skye cares one whit
about the cop? I was trying to write this as skye
trying to purge a bad apple from his corporation, not
caring what happened to anything or anyone else.
I don't think it makes much sense just from a
plausibility perspective,
either. skye was part of the scheme, so he/she
obviously knew about it
from the beginning. If he/she needed proof, env's
proposing the idea
would be enough, and by approving the plan, skye's
implicated in it.
Hmm. Perhaps if skye didn't know who was in charge,
and snuck in to the plan to ferret out the Mega exec
responsible?
A
savvy CEO is unlikely to go out of his/her way to
stop someone who's
cheating *on behalf* of the company.
Unless, of course, said executive believes the
cheating is likely to come back and harm the company.
Losses are losses, regardless of who's to blame.
The implication seems to be that skye and env were
two of the other
people in the mecha. If correct, I think this is
also implausible.
Executive types generally don't do risky grunt work,
especially not when
it means risking getting caught and exposed, and
when there would no
doubt be plenty of mercenary types around willing to
do the job and not
ask any questions if the pay is good enough.
You'd be surprised. Executives, especially ones like
env, can rationalize many poor decisions. As for
skye...I think I'll develop him a bit more. Suffice
it to say, he has his reasons for getting personally
involved.
Anyway, I think it needs work, but has a good
potential. Certainly it's
clear that much thought has gone into it.
About 2-3 hours' worth. Like I said, 'twas an
experiment. I was tempted to post it in a far less
complete version, just the first day or two, rather
than force y'all through the rest of it if it did flop
from the start.
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