"JM Reverie" <jmreverie01@hotmail.com> wrote:

Chortles of strong, boudy laughter resounded along the open field, turning

bowdy (?)

many students heads.  Ryoga wiped the tears from his eyes, and fell silent

students'

under Ranma-chan's unwavering glare of disapproval.

As I understand it, only Happosai uses that name to refer to female
Ranma.

"So, tell me Ranma...  If that's who you really are...  Just *what* was an

tell me, Ranma...

When identifying who is being spoken to, the identification must be set
off with a comma. "Tell me Ranma" does not mean that Ranma should tell
him. It means that whomever is being spoken to should tell him Ranma.

RANMA: Okay, if you insist. Ranma. I repeat, Ranma. There, I've told you
Ranma.

RYOGA: Now tell me where babies come from.

*Italian* peasant girl doing wandering around in China?"

One comment which may or may not have any relevance for your fic: Every
now and then you see fanfics that describe female Ranma as looking
European. I don't know where this came from, but at least in canon,
'tain't so -- as evidenced by Ranma's ability to consistently pass for a
normal young Japanese lady, and even to make minor changes in his
appearance and have people who know him not recognize him.

"I don't know, Ryoga!  How did *you* ever find yourself in *America*!"

The latter accused bit his lip and shrugged.  "Point taken."  Ranma smiled,
satisfied for the moment, watching as Ryoga's expression turned to
bewilderment.  "Hey, I haven't seen you in years!  How did you know I wound
up in New York the last time I tried to visit aunt Sakuya?"

Since Ryoga speaks here, I'd make Ranma's action a separate paragraph,
to avoid confusion.

Ranma shook her head.  "Ryoga, you're wandering again...  The point is, it
really did happen.  And, I'm going to undo it somehow.  Until then..."  She
let out a deep breath, heaving her ample bosom.

"Hey, Ranma, at least you *scored*!  Man, if she was half as hot as you are,
you were one very lucky guy!"

Not a comment I'd expect from Ryoga, unless his personality here is
radically different from the manga. When it comes to women, he's much
more uptight than this. The line'd be perfect for Hiroshi and/or
Daisuke; where are they when you need them?

HIROSHI: We've taken up a new and challenging hobby, actually.

DAISUKE: Yeah. Computer solitaire.

GARY: You don't need a computer for that, you know. You can play with a
deck of cards.

DAISUKE: We tried that. But we couldn't find the Start button.

Ranma grinned, ruefully.  "I was a lucky guy.  Yeah...  I told that babe I
wanted her body more than anything else in this world and...  She sure did
*give* it to me, didn't she?"

Likewise, this is a pretty un-Ranma-ish thing to say, assuming this one
is intended to be anything like the canon version, which may not be the
case. While he may have been attracted to Laverna (I assume that's who
he's talking about), I think his reaction would be to avoid her, rather
than make moves on her. Note his extreme nervousness at being in a crowd
of naked women in the Happodaikarin story (vol. 11 by original Japanese
numbering).

Overall, I think this leaves me more confused than anything else. Does
Ranma's acquisition of Laverna's body replace his curse, or is it an
alternate explanation for the curse? If the former, it's not clear what
difference it'll make for him, considering that he'd already had an
attractive female alternate form. Either way, I don't understand how the
Italian peasant girl fits into it. (And how does he know she was a
peasant?)

Since I'm not sure where you were trying to go with this, I can't really
offer much in the way of useful advice. Maybe it'd help if you showed
some of the action that's only alluded to here (like Laverna giving
Ranma her body, or what led up to it).

As always, take this as one reader's opinion only, and the best of luck
with your fanfics.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html

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