"Chris McFadden" <nightwindssong@adelphia.net> writes:
Hello, all. Andrew Norris, myself and the crew of #Akane are working
on a new story that will turn HO upside down as new students are
arriving during Harry Potter's second year. The Prologue, "Revelation
in Nerima", is now posted on my site, HYPERLINK
"http://nightwindssong.anifics.com/"http://nightwindssong.anifics.com,
as well as a picture of one of the new students in their Hogwart's
robes on the fan art page.
Hello. I wish to register a complaint. I wish to complain about this
message I received not (whenever it was sent converted to a delta)
ago. I'm not sure whether you wanted any actual feedback, Chris, or
were just advertising it. If you wanted feedback, it's very
inconvenient to have to go to a website and copy and paste into an
email program. There's no obvious reason I see why a text version of
the fic would be inferior to the pretty version up on the website.
Also, tags are your friends. I erased your message without reading it,
not knowing that it was a ranma/hp fic (two of the few series which I
actually feel capable of appreciating their fanfiction). Had
Thermopyle not responded with the subject that he did, I might have
never read the fic.
I'll give a bit of feedback, although I won't bother copying and
pasting for a full line-by-line.
First scene:
Aww, is widdle Ranma angwy?. Ryouga taunted, smiling maniacally as he
looked at the child. Ranma growled almost cutely before jumping for
Ryouga.s face to kick him. The now older boy backed off,
boy is ambiguous
smirking. Ranma fell to the ground, an outraged scream escaped
him.
comma splice. Ranma screamed? What a girl.
Ryouga laughed mockingly as he sneered at the child. At that
scream, a tile off of the roof skittered down, bouncing off the gutter
before flipping end over end toward the koi pond.
THe scream sentence, and these two seem out of order, a bit of
asynchronous delay between the scream and tile.
As the clothing dropped. so did a video camera.
Although it becomes clear with a bit of thought, that's a bit
confusing. I'ma ssuming you mean Nabiki lowered it, rather than it
being literally dropped? Perhaps
"so did a video camera at the side, unseen by either of the fighting boys."
Introductory scene with Nodoka: felt a forced coincidence, how she
introduced herself. Nabiki seemed familiar with Nodoka before she read
the note. If she isn't, the note would be a convenient hook to bring
people (taking the plot-forced coincidences from 2 to 1).
Thermopyle raises a very good point on Nodoka knowing his age.
The use of magi seems suspect to me. Rowling seems very careful to
always use Wizard outside of a few set phrases (animagus).
Having Kasumi and Tofu aware of Golden Sora and magicking makes it
seem questionable that Nabiki and Akane would have had no knowledge of
magicdom, or the mothers' plans (in some fashion or other).
Isn't, in canon, Happosai the founder of Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu ? I
found a few sources that support my memory (e.g.,
http://www.fact-index.com/r/ra/ranma_characters.html, a fair number of
fics).