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--- Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> skrev: > 

Pulled this from the backlog that came in while I was on vacation. I
can't remember whether I commented on the first two parts when they
originally came out, but I did go back and read them before doing
this one.

I don't believe you did, but that's all right of course. However, it
does make some difference if you re-read the first draft of "The P-chan
Letters" (posted way back in January or February) or the second draft
(posted days before "Someday, Maybe"). There was not so much re-write
in the second part, but quite a few additions: I think I put six or
seven more letters in. 

Elin B <elbju@yahoo.se> wrote:

Someday, Maybe
by Elin B


(Akari)

Since you're not narrating in first-person, there's probably no need
for this sort of explicit label. We can tell whose POV it is from the
context.

Will consider. I rather liked the look of these things when I was
writing them, but I'm not really sure why.

"Maybe it's ridiculous to you," said Akari shyly. "But I hardly know
anything about it, about Ryoga's challenge to you and your
fight...He didn't write me much at all." She had heard a little more

>from Akane recently, but something told her not to mention

this. "And I'm worried about him right now," she continued, "and 
since you and Mousse are those who have seen him most recently..."
Shampoo tsked.
"All right, then," she said with a loud sigh. "This what happened.
We fight, he win. I make new challenge, he win again. He ask to

teach

me. I no want stupid boy my own age teach me. I only ask Ranma do
that as favour... and to be with man I love." She sighed, a dreamy 
look coming into her eyes fleetingly, then disappearing very quickly
again. "But I say yes anyway," she finished. She took a kitchen 
knife and started to hack up some vegetables that lay there.

You've got skipped lines between some paragraphs but not others,
making it a bit hard to follow the structure. I don't know if this is
intentional or not. If so, I'd suggest at least indenting any
paragraph that doesn't follow a skipped line. Remember that no more 
than one character should have dialog in any one paragraph.

Okay. Looking over the thing again, I agree with you. 
At least for the most part. But what about pieces like the following,
further on down?

  "Yes, Ryoga use Shishi Hokodan," said Shampoo now. "Is dangerous
  construction technique. For Amazons, is forbid to fight with." She
  looked thoughtful. "I no want to learn anyway, but maybe try Ranma's
  variation one day. That one no is forbid."
  "And what happened then?"
  "Mousse go down, people show up, Great-Grandmother come running...
  Ryoga just leave and walk. [etc.]

Is it necessary to skip lines before and after Akari's question? To my
eyes it seems obvious who says what (and not just because one of them
is Shampoo), but perhaps it flows better for the reader if I break up
the lines. 
 

So, she thought. If I were in Shampoo's place, would I cling even
harder to my goal as it seemed less within in reach? Would I work

hard

to make my love see that I am the best one for him, the one he

should

choose, or would I just give up and...resign?
And if she were in Ryoga's shoes...But of course, it wasn't the same
thing. Ryoga had her. He had someone else he liked.
Of course.


(Two days earlier)

Again, explicit labels tend to interrupt the flow of the narrative,
jolting the reader out of the story's virtual reality. Work this
information into context, or at least put it into the text of the
narrative:

Ryoga had her. He had someone else he liked. Of course.

Two days earlier, Akari had talked with that person on the phone.

(You can probably come up with something better than this if you
think
about it for a while.)

Except that it's actually Akari who thinks of herself as "someone else"
right here, something which I obviously haven't been able to make clear
(I should have heeded my pre-reader here). Meaning that Akari sees
herself as the "someone else" that Ryoga likes, as opposed to Shampoo
who has no interest in anyone but Ranma.

Perhaps it would be clearer like this:

  And if she were in Ryoga's shoes...But of course, it wasn't the same
  thing. Ryoga had her, Akari. Someone else he could like.
  Of course.

I hope.

I haven't decided yet if I agree with you on the indicator thing yet.
If I do, I still want more of a break between "Of course" and the
following one, so I'd probable put it something like this:

"No," Akane had said on the telephone, two days earlier. "No, I haven't
seen him, Akari." 

Meanwhile, Akari was having tea with Mrs Saotome, Ranma's mother.

Mrs.
(period after an abbreviation; look for this throughout)

Right. Thanks. Was misled by being foreign - at least I remembered to
capitalise the "M".

"I see," said Akari. She nibbled at a cookie. It tasted good, but

she'd

had a hard time eating anything lately. "How did Ryoga seem to be?"
"Well, he seemed a little surprised to see me, so I suppose he

hadn't

planned to come here," said Ranma's mother. "And perhaps he did look

a

little tired. But, you know, I've only met your young man once

before,

so I don't really know what he's normally like. That was back in
October, when he gave me my little Chumaru, here." She smiled and

cooed

at the white-and-brown dog sitting beside her. 

AKARI: Sheesh. I mean, I knew there were some strange things in
Ryoga's
genetic code, but....

NODOKA: This is a dog, dear.

AKARI: I know. That's why I'm so shocked. Though it does finally
explain
the teeth.

DOG: Woof!

NODOKA: You are being manly, aren't you, Chumaru? Because if not....

^_^

(Actually, the dog's name was just supposed to have an old-fashioned
ring to it - nothing else intended. My first idea was "Yamato", and
maybe I should have gone with that. I can see Nodoka as a fan of Leiji
Matsumoto's comics...)

The shorter figure seemed to notice her, tugged the taller one's
sleeve, pointed. Then a big truck came by, obscuring the view.

One day, I want us to go to China together, she thought. 

She hurried towards the crossing.

I like the idea behind the series; Ryoga having to explain himself to
Akane creates a lot of good dramatic tension, and you managed to
bring out a lot of feeling while throwing in some nice humorous
touches.

Thanks. I would like to have had more humour in it, but circumstances
seemed to force everyone into being earnest and serious. I couldn't
even find any part for Ranma in the last chapter.   

That said, I'm not sure this is as satisfying a resolution as you
could have had. 

Sorry about that...

Akane pretty much hands Ryoga his forgiveness without him
developing as a character to earn it. It'd be more satisfying, IMO,
if Ryoga had to fight his way past some of his personal limitations

in

order to achieve success.

You are probably right. Ryoga says much the same thing, though he's
understandably relieved as well. 

I hadn't planned this outcome from the beginning, when I first started
writing what became "The P-chan Letters". Though I was probably aiming
towards (hoping for?) an eventual reconciliation, I didn't know how it
would be achieved. But the format of the letter-told story in itself
seemed to shape events - I couldn't leave too much out, which meant
that in this story Akane was not forced by the chain of events to come
into direct contact with Ryoga until she felt ready to do it. 

She could have confronted him before this, if she had to. Then we would
have seen conflict, but little resolution, as I don't think she would
have quite believed in the truth of his statements. And she couldn't
leave it off for longer because she was fed up with feeling bitter.
(Besides, Akari has obviously been hounding her these last few days.)

However, Akane does make a distinction between just "forgiving" (=not
carrying a grudge, you are relieved from your debt of honour) and
"making friends again". And she does set a condition for the latter:
Ryoga has to answer her questions truthfully. Which I don't think was
so easy for him to do, and I do think he's come along somewhat to be
able to do it here.

As always, just one reader's opinions, and the best of luck with this
and any other fanfiction.

Thank you very much for your comments! (It's the only one I've received
from the FFML, actually.) Not sure right know what to do with a revised
version - there seems to be little point in posting it to the list,
given the lack of interest - but it's always good to get writing
advice. (And it's nice to know that someone has read it, of course.^_^)

Cheers,
Elin







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