And doing more yet again:

Jon Rosebaugh wrote:

This used to be a crossover fic, but I've removed most of those
crossover elements, so I thought it's safe enough to just label it as
straight Utena.

Whatever works best for you.

"What would happen if a person realized he was dreaming, but was
unable to wake from the dream?"

Your real body starves and dies, eventually. :)

"All he could hope to do was to maintain balance in the
dream. Fortunately for him, that could lead to a way out. It came
about that the End of the World grew impatient. He introduced new
elements into the dream, elements that appeared benign, but changed
the heart of the dream. And so, the dreamer could restore the
balance. He couldn't return the dream to the way it was before, so he
introduced his own element, and with it, a way of escape. The End of
the World felt the change, and knew that it would lead to the
destruction of his plans, so he interfered again. And now, to return
balance, you are here."

Hmm. Tipping a bit too much of the hand here, almost. I'd prefer to see the
information doled out a little more sparingly.

"You. I am here to offer you a chance to do what you've always longed
for.

Utena: Develop a cure for cancer?

Beginning: No, not quite.

Revolutionary Girl Utena is the property of Chiho Saito and
Shougakukan and their licensees. Certain elements of Miho's character
and other plot events are inspired by Magical Stage Fancy Lala.

Heh. That Miho, eh? Horribly enough, I admit to a guilty pleasure of
actually liking Lala.

"It was a dream. There was something important, but it all went wrong
and

wrong, and

"None of that! You have to get dressed and finish packing, or you'll
miss the train." Her mother picked out what Miho considered to be her
most annoying dress and laid it on the bed before heading back to the
kitchen. Miho glared at it. It failed to glare back, but Miho knew it
hated her anyhow. She carefully shoved it under the bed, pushing it
far enough under that it wouldn't show once she made the bed, then
went to get a better outfit and finish packing.

Ought to throw in how old she is so we can visualize her better.

Going off to boarding school was at least better than going with
Mother and Father to America, she decided. After all, they all spoke

two 'all's close together. 'Everyone spoke English' would work

The station lacked the overwhelming level of activity that was so
common in Tokyo stations. Wakaba had promised to meet her in a certain
cafe, which Miho found quickly. She bought a box of Pocky to munch on
while she waited. People passed by at a regular rate, much as they did
back home, but something seemed different.

This paragraph feels to choppy. The flow to it isn't good. Might want to
work on it, though I'm not sure how to go about it.

Miho blinked. Yes, she was definitely coming towards her. But where
was Wakaba? The pink-haired girl entered the cafe and came up to
her. "Hello, Miho. Do you remember me? I'm Utena, one of Wakaba's
friends."

Miho nodded. "I remember you.... But where's Wakaba?"

Hmm. Interesting.

"'Beginnings', huh," Utena mused, reading the name on the
storefront. "Must be new. I haven't seen that one before. Sure, why
not?"

Heh. So the wheel turns.

Feeling only somewhat reassured, Miho thanked him and followed Utena
back to the park, and thence

not 'thence' use a different word.

"Yes," she said, taking his hand after a moment's hesitation. "My name
is Miho Shinohara. I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Kaoru." She felt
herself falling back on her old pattern of responses to
upperclassmen. It wasn't fair. He was the first boy she'd met since
coming here, and he just looked so wonderful, and he was trying to be
nice to her, and here she was acting like a witless schoolgirl.

She released his hand and clutched her bag to herself. She wished she
could go back to Tokyo, or even to America with Mother. Miho payed

paid

Miho had imagined what it would feel like to walk onto the campus of
such an extraordinary school and the day's events had only heightened
that expectation. She felt quite let down that the only thing she felt
upon stepping through the gate was the same fatigue she'd felt for the
past while.

'felt for the past while' sounds awakward as well.

"Come on," Utena said. "I don't know which dorm you'll end up in, but
it's late, so you might as well just spend the night at mine. We'll
find Wakaba tomorrow..." she trailed off, looking up at the forest
behind the campus. "Did you hear something, just now?" Miho shook her
head. "I thought..." Utena started again, then looked back at her.

"Okay, she said,

"Okay,"

Tugging the rough brown twine off the parcel, she unwrapped it to find
two sketchbooks. One of them was brand new, but one had quite a lot of
wear on it, just like hers had been. After a moment she realized that
this was because it _was_ hers.

Of course, why did they bother grabbing it in the first place. Let's find
out. :)

She idly traced the lines of Marie's face with her finger. Presently,
she moved on to Marie's hand, held in a somewhat martial salute. Miho
gasped. On Marie's finger was a rose seal, exactly like Utena and
Miki's. She was sure she hadn't drawn that! She reached out gingerly
to touch it.

When she made contact with the paper, the room exploded. Miho lost her
grip on the book; she thought she saw it hurled into a corner. She was
dimly aware that there wasn't actually anything wrong with the
room. It was, rather, that something that she'd felt in the room
earlier. She felt a violent wind circling through the room, but apart
from her new sketchbook, nothing seemed disturbed.

Hmm

Straightening, she began to cross the room back to the desk, but as
she passed the mirror she caught a glimpse of her reflection and
stopped abruptly. She turned to face the mirror fully, then flipped
open the sketchbook. The girl staring back at her out of the mirror
looked exactly like the girl she'd drawn on the page. Nor was it a
trick of the mirror. A simple glance downwards quashed that
hope. Somehow, against all logic, she had been transformed into Marie.

Yep, very Lala like.

A tall stone wall stood before them, weathered by time, but still
solid enough to serve its purpose. Tree branches came up to the edge
of the wall, but none overhung it. Obviously the groundskeepers had
been doing a good job. Miki strode up to the gate and reached out to
touch the handle. Instead of grasping it, however, he pulled his arm
back and gestured to Miho. "Why don't you try it," he said.

it?"

There wasn't much light; just the moonlight shining through gaps in
the trees as the leaves waved gently. Miho shuddered as she realized
that there wasn't any breeze moving the branches; they were doing it
on their own. When she looked up at it, the moonlight didn't seem
friendly anymore and

anymore, and

Well, this is a rewrite of "Rose of Forgotten Times", the mediocre
little thing on my website. I hope this one's better. One thing that
has been mentioned to me before is that Miki really shouldn't be
driving, as he's too young for that. However, I haven't been able to
come up with a suitable replacement for that scene, which accomplishes
the things that scene does. Until I can, the driving stays. If you have
any suggestions, or if you have any other comments at all, I'll be glad
to hear them.

It works well enough, given the dreamlike quality of the chapter. I don't
think it'll bother too many people, and can be left as is.

DB Sommer

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