This is a title I came up with some time ago, and I just had to come up
with a fic to go with it. The result is more of a parody of Mary Sues
than an actual Mary Sue... longtime readers of my comedies should know
what to expect. I hope they'll read it anyway.


Mary Sue and the Three Wolves
A crossover spamfic by Nidoking

    Once upon a time, there was an annoying girl named Mary Sue. She
would ascribe many virtues to herself, but about the only thing she
really had going for her was an enormous ego. She also happened to know
the meaning of the word "bishounen" and could provide an exhaustive list
of examples on cue. She had pictures of most of them on her dresser, and
carried fifty or so of her favorites in her purse.
    On this particular day, however, her attention was focused on four
of them - the four stars of her favorite anime series. "Oh, they're so
cool!" she swooned. "I just have to blab about them on the phone for an
hour with my best friend ever, Anime Yuy!" She picked up the phone and
dialed the seven well-worn digits.
    "Hello, Wish Fulfillment Hotline," said the sweet voice on the other
end of the line. "We make your wishes come true."
    "Oh, sorry," said Mary Sue. "This must be the wrong number. I was
trying to call my friend Anime Yuy. She's almost as cool as I am."
    "Nobody dials the Wish Fulfillment Hotline by accident," replied the
voice. "It's a cosmic flux that leads those of pure heart to us."
    "Wow! That's me!" cried Mary Sue. "I have the purest heart in the
universe, AND I can make out with any man I want and still be
virgin-pure!"
    She could almost hear the sweatdrop forming on the other end of the
line. "Perhaps this time WAS a mistake...."
    "No, no! I was just kidding! You know me, Mary Sue, the funniest
comedian in the universe!"
    "... right. Anyway, what's your wish?"
    "I can have anything I want, right?"
    "That's right. Anything. The powers that be have decided (for
whatever reason) that your heart is pure enough to be trusted with this
rare gift. Therefore, any desire you have will be fulfilled."
    "That's so cool! I have to tell Anime Yuy right away!" She pressed
the disconnect button and started to dial Anime Yuy's number. "Wait... I
didn't tell her what my wish was!" She briefly considered using her
psychic powers to telepathically transmit her wish to the operator, but
she wasn't sure whether the operator's feeble mind would be able to
handle her crushing awesomeness. Instead, she merely hung up the phone
and waited for the operator to call her back. It was only a matter of
time. After all, she was Mary Sue, and the universe revolved around her.
    A few minutes later, the phone rang, and Mary Sue quickly scooped up
the receiver. "I wish the stars of my favorite anime series would visit
me!" she shouted.
    "Does that mean you plan to vote Democrat in the upcoming election?"
asked the male voice on the other end of the line.
    "I'm the one who's going to be the President of everything in a few
years," Mary Sue bragged. "So there's no point voting for anyone."
    There was a soft CLICK as the line disconnected. It was followed by
the sound of the doorbell. Mary Sue hung up the phone and went to the
door to greet her guests, undoubtedly the stars of her favorite anime
series.
    Hige waved as she opened the door. "Hi there. We were in the
neighborhood and felt compelled to drop by."
    Mary Sue swooned. "Wow, it really is you guys! I mean, I knew you
would come, because I'm the greatest power in the universe, but still!
You're really here!"
    Toboe stepped across the threshold and looked around. "This is a
really nice place you've got here."
    "My house is Paradise!" Mary Sue announced. "And I've got a garden
full of Lunar Flowers out back, so you'll never have to go anywhere else
again!" She watched Kiba slink into the foyer and leaned out the door.
"Hey, where's Tsume?"
    "He doesn't like humans," said Kiba. "You should know that."
    "But he's my favorite!" whined Mary Sue. "I want him to come!"
    "He'll probably show up when the food does," Toboe joked.
    "Speaking of which, what have you got to eat?" asked Hige.
    Mary Sue shrugged. "I don't have to eat, because I'm perfect in
every way. I don't go to the bathroom either, because that's yucky."
    Kiba rammed an elbow into her and pushed her up against a wall.
"Listen, kid. I haven't eaten anything but moonlight for a week, and I
came way out of my way to find this place because there was supposed to
be food here! Now where's the beef?"
    Mary Sue thought about using her amazing martial arts skills to
escape, but she didn't want to hurt Kiba. "I'll call and order some,"
she offered.
    Kiba sniffed her angrily. "All right. But make it fast!"
    Mary Sue ran to the phone and dialed quickly.
    She was still talking when Kiba stalked in an hour later. "... and
they came in and talked to me! Yeah, I mean, I knew it was going to
happen because I'm Mary Sue, but still, isn't that so cool!"
    "Haven't you gotten the food yet?" snarled Kiba.
    Mary Sue shook her head and covered the mouthpiece with her hand. "I
just had to tell my friend Anime Yuy about you guys. I'll be done in a
minute."
    Kiba grabbed the phone from her and crushed it. "I said I needed
food!"
    Mary Sue pouted. "Don't be mad... I'm sorry."
    "Sorry doesn't put food in my mouth!"
    Toboe stepped between them. "Hey, calm down, Kiba! Getting mad will
only make you hungrier."
    "She still hasn't gotten any food!" said Kiba.
    "She's got incredible powers," Toboe reminded him. "I'm sure she'll
come up with something. She solves everyone's problems."
    Mary Sue's eyes sparkled. "Oh, Toboe... you defended me! You're so
wonderful!"
    "No," said Toboe, "YOU'RE wonderful!"
    Mary Sue threw her arms around Toboe and kissed him passionately on
the lips.
    When she'd stopped moving, Toboe dropped her lifeless body on the
floor and stared at the once-beautiful face that had been torn to shreds
by his sharp teeth. "Oops. I forgot about that."
    Kiba shrugged and returned to his wolf form.
    "Hey, what are you thinking?" asked Toboe.
    [Only one source of food in this place now,] replied Kiba.
    Hige poked his head in. "Don't forget to save some for Tsume. He'll
probably be here any minute now that there are no live humans left."
    [He gets the head,] said Kiba, already digging in. [It's the biggest
part.]
    Toboe sighed. "I suppose it's better than nothing. I hope she tastes
good, at least."
    "Of course she does," said Hige, taking a seat next to the carcass.
"After all, she was Mary Sue."

AAAH! OOKAMI-SAMA!

-------------------------------------------------

Yes, it's a takeoff of "Ah, Megami-sama!" (a.k.a. "Oh My Goddess").
Ookami is the Japanese word for wolf... the rest of the story was just
so I'd have something to associate with the title. If you're not
familiar with Anime Yuy, consider yourself lucky.


Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

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