First, I should apologize for not thanking you and my other pre-readers 
in my prefactory
comments.  I've now inserted a note to that effect.  The FFML draft was 
MUCH better,
I think, because of your efforts.

I've adopted most of your suggested changes.  My dictionary (Random 
House College)
says it's spelled "clientele", however, and also says that "drily" and 
"dryly" are both good.

As always, thanks for taking the time

Michael A Chase wrote:

Suggested changes: {before : after}

On 02/28/2005 06:23 AM, hkmiller said:

started tapping a finger on the arm of her chair, looking around the
small apartment for something else she could do while she waited.

I like the new opening.  It seems more in character for her.

Thanks.  One of my other pre-readers thought the original opening
very bad (and he was right), so I rewrote it quite a bit.

{single :} bedroom and a bathroom.  The few walls not covered by
bookshelves held small framed photographs or posters.  "And can we
get you anything?"

Stepping down from paintings to posters was a good idea.

Yes, they're not exactly swimming in money, after all.

"Two maidens who govern death," Charlotte half-whispered whimsically,
looking at the door.

"WHAT?"

I think she took that very well.  Considering.

Heh.

"I wouldn't mind 'knowing' you one more time, Char..." Sigourney 
murmured softly, moving her face closer to Charlotte's.

Just then the door-buzzer rang, interrupting them.  Sigourney and 
Charlotte sighed, then Sigourney got up, went to the door, and opened
it.

Spoil sport.  It does move the action along more quickly though.

That was my thought.

"Wow!  Neat!  You guys had a shoot-out here?!"  Aditi exclaimed at 
the sight of the bullet-holes in the walls of the apartment as 
Mireille and Kirika let the girls in.  The two girls walked around 
the apartment, eyes wide, slowly tracing each bullet hole with a 
finger and grinning at each other in utter delight.

"You two can be straightening up while we make dinner," Mireille 
said.  "Pick up all the chairs and sweep the floor."  She and Kirika
carried the groceries {they'd picked up on the way :} into the kitchen.

I was wondering what condition the apartment was in.  Mireille might
have had some time to do some cleaning before leaving for the Manor, 
but I didn't think she would have with all she had on her mind.

We did see her try a little (the dead plant), but then saw her give up 
almost
immediately, when she found Kirika's note.  So my thinking was it's still in
pretty bad shape.

"So, anyway, you guys just have one bed," Aditi noted.  "Are we 
sleeping there with you?  Or on the couch?"

"Stupid!" Tati hissed to Aditi.  "Mireille's sensitive to the 'L' 
word!  We're not supposed to notice that they sleep together!"

Subtle as any ten year olds.

They wouldn't be nearly as much fun otherwise!

"Suppose the two of you had separate tasks, and in the middle of
yours you learned that the other was in great danger, walking into a
trap?  And you were only half-finished with your task? Could you
trust the other to stay alive while you finished your job?  We had to
learn to trust each other that much, and more."

Except when that happened, Kirika went to save Mireille as fast as she 
could.

Well, the one time, in Ep 18.  It's questionable how important it was to 
finish
what Kirika had started there (her own reaction, at the end of the ep, 
suggests
that she thought she was just satisfying curiosity).  And, of course, 
they both
rescue each other all the time when it is NOT interfering with a job.  I was
thinking of Ep 8, among others:  where they're both walking into a trap, and
they know it, but they separate and both do their own jobs anyway, ignoring
any gunfire they hear from the direction they know the other is in.

This does seem to be turning into a Noir training session.  Regardless 
of M&K's intentions.

Well, it does strike me that Kirika is not wholly on-board Mireille's 
plan here.  In my
thinking, she's much more likely than Mireille to think that fate 
brought the girls to
them, and perhaps not work as conscientiously as Mireille to avoid 
training them.
And, of course, Kirika has almost NO idea of what she ought to avoid doing
and saying if she wants to not train the girls.

My thinking is that Mireille and Kirika won't ever deliberately set up 
traps and
tasks and such, the way Althena did to them (but then, they won't need 
to!  Heh.)
But both Mireille and Kirika respect the girls' right to choose, and the 
girls are
pretty definite about what they're choosing.

And, of course, boys and girls often pick up quite a bit from just 
listening to their
parents talk about their vocations, without any conscious or formal 
training,
even, sometimes, when the parents are nominally opposed to their learning.
This process is also at work here.

Sigourney spent most of the next morning at the American {consulate :
embassy}.  To her surprise, she was finished before lunch.  She 
decided to leave the Russian {consulate : embassy} to the afternoon,
and called Mireille, suggesting that they meet to compare notes. 
Mireille knew of a cafe convenient to both their locations, easy 
walking distance on a nice day like this.

I'm pretty sure that both countries maintain embassies in Paris rather
than consulates.

After consideration, I have adopted your suggestion.  My original thinking
was based on the fact that embassies normally call the section which handles
consulate matters a "consulate", even if its the next room.  But 
Sigourney is
an outsider, and might not know that.  I may try to leave in something about
the "consular section", but perhaps not.

Mireille released the man, but kept her guard up until both men were
gone.  Then she grimaced slightly and rubbed the bandage on her
thigh.  "Five days old and still bothering me," she muttered under
her breath.

I'd expect her to wear pants or a skirt long enough to hide the bandage.

Assuming she owns any.  :)  But certainly she has combat pants.  I'll
probably rephrase, maybe having the skirt be longer but the bandage
exposed when she rubs.

"Good.  Why don't you give the girls a real tour of Paris?  The one
they didn't get yesterday?"

"BOR-ING!  Museums and Churches and stuff!" Aditi proclaimed.

They still got to see an underworld hangout that afternoon, so it 
wasn't all THAT bad.

I'm sure Aditi wasn't disappointed in the end!  ;)



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