I liked the premise of this series; I think it has a lot of promise.  So 
far largely
unrealized, unfortunately.  But this story begins to change that, with 
our first
non-origin story.

Arthur Hansen wrote:

"So, any idea where we can find this mysterious flying girl?" Clark asked as
he 'worked' to lift his own carry-on luggage.
 

So Clark and Lois aren't privy to any of the info known to the U.S. 
Secret Service?
Might want to make clearer somewhere what info they're privy to.

"Nerima. That's one of the areas of the city to the northwest. Used to be
its own city or town, but got swallowed up by the greater Tokyo metropolitan
area."

Not really; it's just the name of a particular neighborhood (to 
translate to American terms), like
Brooklyn or Queens or The Bronx.  I'd suggest just calling is a 
"suburb".  I assume this description
is even here just for the benefit of your L & C, but non-Ranma, readers?

Lois led them off the airport and to customs so they could be
processed. As soon as they finished there, they hailed a taxi to take them
to the motel they were staying at in that area of town.
 

"Motel"?  In Japan?  Anywhere near Tokyo?  Suggest something simpler, 
such as a large hotel
close to a JR station on the line going to Nerima. 

And no comment on the fare for a taxi from Narita?  If Lois and Clark 
are uneducated enough
to take a taxi from Narita (or pretending they are), they should be 
astonished at the fare.

"I have no idea how Perry expects us to find one lone girl like that in a
foreign city," he finally said as they emptied their luggage.
 

Perry White sent both his star reporters to Tokyo to chase down one 
report of
a strange girl with unexplained ultra-enhancements?  Sounds like a 
really plan
use of resources on Perry's part.  You might want to provide additional 
reasons
for both of them to be here (e.g., they're covering the upcoming summit 
meeting,
and arriving early to get background).

"Well, it seems like this girl is active in just one of the local wards or
boroughs of the city. Place named Nerima. No heavy industries to speak of,
just homes and such out there. Overgrown bedroom community."
 

Now this description is quite accurate.  Were you making a point about 
Lois, to have her
give a different one?  If so, it wasn't clear to me.

"We will have the foreigner Lex Luthor soon. With him deported back to
America to stand trial, my advancement in the government will be secure!" a
man's voice said from the other side of the door.

"Yes, Mr. Hygien!" another voice replied.
 

"Hygien" isn't a Japanese name; who is this guy supposed to be?

Lex waited just a few minutes. "Leonard? Make sure he's sleeping with the
fishes by this evening. Then find his boss and explain that I do not like
being messed with."
 

Seems like wasteful overkill on Lex's part.  My recollection of the Lex 
from L&C is that he
was more pragmatic than that; he didn't kill if getting a guy fired 
would do the job.  Why
isn't Lex just ordering the publicization of Hygien's expensive bungled 
operation to nab
Lex?

Ranma whistled as he walked home from the store. Ami had asked if he could
get some extra groceries and he'd agreed with alacrity to be alone for a
while. Up ahead he saw Akane's friend Yuka talking to a foreigner couple.

"My Engrish is good! Questions you ask?" Yuka said in a twitter.

"Yes, we're reporters-" the tall man said.

"Report? My Engrish report got B+!" she enthused right back. She was
obviously falling into the normal pastime of any semi-competent English
speaker in Japan, practicing her English on some hapless Americans.
 

heh.  so true.

I'm not, however, very clear on Lois and Clark's strategy here.  They 
just went out on
the streets in Nerima and started asking random passersby about the 
mystery girl?  While
pretending not to know Japanese?  Why not hire a guide/translator?  Why 
not approach
a Japanese reporter?  They'd have to expect the Japanese press to know 
more than they
do, and more than is in print yet.

"Look, kiddo, we're looking for that flying girl from the papers," the woman
suddenly said with an overtone of aggravation.
 

This doesn't seem much like Lois from L&C, either, to be suddenly 
aggravated enough
to be so impolite.  Or to use words like "kiddo".

"Weeeeridos and kooooks!

Neither of these words should be in Yuka's English vocabulary, I'd 
think.  Suggest "Very
strange persons!"  (Totemo hen hitotachi), perhaps; she would know these 
English words.

"Kuno Tatewaki? That's the boy who was barred from athletic competitions,
right?" Lois asked suddenly.
 

You mention this detail twice, in the mouths of speakers who really 
shouldn't know it.  This
wouldn't even make the major Tokyo papers, I'd have thought, let alone 
American ones.
If you want it otherwise, suggest "That's the boy who was barred from 
athletic competitions
because of his ultra-enhancement, right?"
That at least makes it plausible that it would make major Tokyo newspapers.

Ranma slipped off at that point. Those Americans seemed like they were going
to be some trouble, he thought as he started to hop from roof to roof on his
way back to the Tendo Dojo. He might have to do something to protect his
'secret' identity. Maybe a helmet or mask. That Ultrawoman wore a mask, so
that may work.
 

Suggest "that might work".  "May" implies you're shifting to a 
first-person stream-of-consciousness
narrative POV here, which I don't think you want or need.

"That is not a bad idea. Pull over here. This is the Kuno residence. That
kid that is banned from the kendo leagues."
 

Why ever would Leonard expect this Sancho to know that?

Leonard and Sancho shared a quick look. "Thanks, Mr. Kuno. I'll talk to my
boss about this deal."
 

Might want to mention what language this conversation is taking place 
in.  If Japanese, why
does Sancho know it?  If English, why is Kuno making such a point about 
foreigners in it?

It was finally Saturday and Ranma was going to be leaving in just a few
hours for a military base where he would get flown to the United States.

A reminder of what this trip is for wouldn't hurt; I don't have any 
recollection from your
earlier stories.

"Thank you for the tea, Miss Tendo," Clark said politely. "Your hospitality
is very endearing to us."
 

Lois just listened as Clark made small talk. This was the so-called "secret"
training facility that the special ops had been talking about?

Now why do Lois and Clark know about the "secret training facility", aka 
the Tendo Dojo,
and they don't know why Rising Sun really is?  Are they privy to 
government info or not?
If Lois just knows about the former because she's a nosy reporter, 
suggest she mention
that fact to herself here.

"I'm home!" Nabiki called out as she walked into the house and kicked off
her shoes. "Oh, hey Sis! Hello!" she said as bowed to the strangers. "More
people wanting training from Dad?"

Lois and Clark bowed right back without standing up. "No, were here to talk
to Akane Tendo."
 

Might want to mention languages here too.  Your Kasumi went to school in 
the U.S. for a year,
I remember, so presumably is fluent in English.  But Nabiki didn't, and 
isn't.  Did Lois and
Clark just abandon their pretense at not knowing Japanese?

Kasumi pulled out her pager. "Oh. Look at the time. I have to go."

"Work, of course." Lois turned to Clark. "That ties in with the rumors that
some of Lex's bully boys were noising around-"

BOOOOOM! went something as it broke the sound barrier over Nerima.

"What the hell? Rising Sun never causes that big of a commotion!" Hiroshi
said, looking around frantically.
 

So let's see if I've got this straight... Kasumi moved off just out of 
sight, then moved at super-
speed home to the Dojo, unpacked her uniform from the lead "medical" 
case, then took off
at supersonic speed.  And what did Lois and Clark notice?  For that 
matter, what did they do?
You don't tell us.

And are Lois and Clark wearing their own supersuits under their civvie 
clothes,
where Kasumi presumably could have seen them easily, had she thought to 
look?

"Yes, I can hear you. I need a link to OZ now. I believe to people have been
kidnapped due to an Ultra situation."
 

"two people have been kidnapped" (SP)

"Roger that! You rattled a lot of windows in Nerima taking off like that.
You even managed to break your speed record too. MACH 4.34 with that stunt
in the atmosphere. Now you are leveling off at 800 gravities in outer
 

Leveling off at 800 gravities?  She couldn't be doing that and take long 
enough for
this guy to get the words out.  You're saying she's changing her 
direction (leveling off)
with 800 gravities acceleration?  You're basically saying that she 
changed directions
instantaneously.

"Yes, sir." Rows of computers and screens filled OZ Control, where over a
dozen men and woman worked around the clock on super-strength fast-reacting
keyboards.
 

"Over a dozen men and women"  (or do you mean, "a woman"?) with 
ultra-enhancements are
being wasted in a control center, typing into computers?  The U.S. has 
enhanced an awful lot
of people, then...

"One second, General. Rising Sun, you need to slow down. You are going to
fast to reenter the atmosphere safely.

"going too fast to reenter" (SP)

"Commander Meyers! Thank you for allowing us on your ship in such a... quiet
fashion,"

A nuclear sub is commanded by a Commander, rather than a Captain?  Why?  
Surely
that's not normal.

Lex Luthor said as he slid down the ladder into the nuclear
submarine the USS Salt Lake City. "You are doing your country a great
service, though one that is a bit on the gray side of legality."

If Lex had any brains (like the one in the L&C show), he wouldn't add 
that second
clause.

been made Ultra Top Secret," Luthor lied with aplomb. "While Japan may be
our allies, if they have stolen our advancements for the next decade and
destroyed them for our own use,

"deployed" or "developed" then for "their" own use, I think you mean.  
Or is Lex really
claiming that somebody stole info from a top U.S. lab and also somehow 
managed to destroy
every other copy of that info, even the off-site D/R backups?  Myers 
would see through a
lie like that in a minute, I'd think.

"Those trumped up charges won't be listened to here, sir. You have basically
helped make sure the Navy is going to be here and not gutted over the
military cuts." Meyers led them to an already cleared officer's bunk room.
"I'll bring your meals myself."

"Of course. Thank you. By the way, Commander, how is Lisa these days?" Lex
asked in an overly casual tone of voice.

"She's doing better after her latest chemotherapy. The doctor have high
hopes that her Leukemia will finally go into remission."
 

That's too many holds.  You're saying Lex has an expensive, scarce 
medical treatment hold
over Myers, and ALSO his gratitude over Lex's lobbying for Navy funding, 
and ALSO needs
to lie about why he's transporting Ranma and Akane unconsciously?  
Suggest you skip one
of the holds, depending on your plans for Myers.  If he sticks with 
Luthor, suggest you drop
the lobbying bit; if he later betrays Luthor, suggest you drop the 
medical treatment.  As it is,
you're straining your readers' credulity too much:  how did/could Luthor 
get this many holds
over a randomly-chosen submarine commander, whose orders happened to 
have him in
Japan?  Does Luthor have similar holds over all other U.S. sub 
commanders?  Or did Luthor
influence the guy's orders to get his sub sent to Japan?  And why does 
the guy act like this,
if Luthor has this much hold over him?  And why does Luthor bother with 
the story if so?




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