[FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma/Sailor Moon] To be a Tomboy Chapter One (Fixed Formatting, I hope)


Hmmm... it's about time I tried something new. Howdy. Name's Abdiel. I'll be your C&Cer for today. Oh, and as per usual with any C&C, take it with a grain of salt. :)

On Wed, 16 Mar 2005 12:34:36 -0800 (PST), Gallagher Peter <pikablu116@yahoo.com> wrote:

Author's beginning notes:  I know that this is one of
the longest chapters that I have ever written, for any
of my fics.  I'm trying a new planning approach for
writing fanfiction, and this approach, if successful
will be used for writing all of my fanfiction except
"The Wild Villain."


Oooh. Can't wait to see this new 'planning' approach. I've always been interested in reading some sort of new approach to writing (in general, not just fanfiction). Oh, I'm reading this as I type C&C, so please excuse any inconsistencies from my subsequent comments. ^-^

Inspiration for this piece of
fanfiction was drawn from "Destiny's Child" by Fire,
"Paragon" by Kenko, and the "Sailor Ranko" series
started by Fire and continued by Burgerbill.


Awww, no "Children of Fire" by John Biles or "Lines of Destiny" by Phoenix? Those are veritable classics. ^-^

(Keep on

writing, Bill, we all love your work.)  This also drew
inspiration from the good people at the Temple of
Ranma's Senshi Seifuku forum (fukufics.com).


I do hope that your new-approach-to-writing-fanfiction's effectiveness isn't diminished by fanfiction cliche' usually seen in "Sailor Ranko" fanfics.

So
anyways, submitted for your (The readers) approval,
here is my Ranma in a fuku fanfic:


Oh yeah... In general, people prefer having the author notes in the end of the fic instead of the beginning, but of course it's your jurisdiction to change or not to change the arrangement of your fic.

------------------------------------------------------------
To be a Tomboy
By: Ellf
Chapter One: The Outer Senshi
------------------------------------------------------------
Within a traditional martial arts dojo several wedding
decorations laid ruined around it.  Lying on the
ground was an unconscious fair red-headed girl with
her hair in a pigtail.  She was wearing a white tuxedo
that seemed to be too large for her and shoes that
were two sizes too big.  She moaned in her nothingness


Sounds awkward. Suggest finding a better word than 'nothingness.'

Suddenly, her eyes shot open, and she bounded to her
feet.  She held her head and moaned again.

'What hit me? Oh, right a Happo Dai Karin.


Suggest: Oh, right... a Happo Dai Karin.

'That was supposed ta be mine and Akane's, but it had
ta be ruined by all o' them.'


IMO, Ranma's 'street accent' is kind of distracting and unnecessary. It's also Cliche' no. 1 of your fic.

Ranma passed by an empty cask lying on the ground.
She picked it up and examined it closely; Ranma turned
the cask so that the top would be above her, nary a
drop came out of it.


Suggest: She picked it up and examined it closely. She turned the cask so that the top would be above her, but nary a drop came out of it.

 She threw it to the ground and

it crashed and broke apart into bits.  The label came
off of it, and could easily be read.  It said:
"Nannichuan."


Hmmm. Interesting. But of course, it's also plot contrivance no. 1,  where Ranma won't get his cure after his wedding, because, y'know, if he did then your Ranma-in-a-fuku story would become a tad bit disturbing.

'My cure, at least it was supposed ta be.  Now I'll


Usually fanfic authors reserve this type of dialogue to people with Osakan accents or something. Giving Ranma a halfway decent grammar without this speech style will _not_  make him less Ranma-like. Don't use this speech style as a crutch to portray Ranma's characterization well... the trick is to make him _act_ more like Ranma as opposed to having him 'speak' like Ranma.

Simply put, suggest getting rid of 'ta', that's not a word, and it's not adding anything to the fic.

never know if it woulda worked or not.  Mousse, Ryoga,
even Oyaji, they all were fightin' over that cask.  If
only they woulda known that I was gonna share it.
Maybe it's for the best; I'm not that disappointed
about losing my cure.  The curse even helped me out a
bit at times.'


A bit more 'tell' than 'show' in that paragraph. A whole lot of exposition on that one paragraph... I guess it couldn't be helped, since this starts in the middle of things, but being a bit more subtle about it (your exposition) won't hurt.

Ranma passed by a scorch mark on the floor.  She
sighed as she remembered how it got there.

"Aiyah! Shampoo exploding food miss Akane!" The purple
haired


Suggest: purple-haired

Amazon exclaimed.  The brown haired chef
reached in her bag.


Cliche' no. 2, Shampoo's being very Viz-dub-Shampoo, as far as I can tell... which is weird, since you're making use of a lot of the anime's Japanese catchphrases. So does this fic read like the dubbed Ranma or the subbed Ranma?

"Just you wait Ranchan; I've got some more Special
okonomiyaki for you!"


Ukyo: 'Coz that's what I am, basically. Just an okonomiyaki chef. It even trumps my love for Ranchan and the innate cuteness my countless fanboys just keeps on emphasizing from time to time.

And then the Kunos showed up and Happosai drank her
cure and�  Ranma shook her head to get the images out
of it.  Why had their parents set up the wedding so
soon after they got back from China?

''s not like I love the kawaiikune otemba anyways�
Erm� maybe it is.  I still never said it.'


You're making Ranma make many steps backward, all for the sake of getting him into a fuku and having him fight for love and justice? I dunno, I'm getting the feeling that things are becoming a bit too contrived here.

Ranma: Despite confessing my love for Akane and my (rather well-documented) dislike over my curse, I've decided with a shrug and a sigh that I'm comfortable with my curse and I don't love Akane after all... fighting for love and justice is far more important than my intrinsic instincts to protect Akane and my near-desperate search for a cure to the curse. I wanna be a girl, dammit, for the sake of Akane's lesbiany, girl-love feelings!

The katas went faster and faster as the images became


Suggest: 'kata', since Japanese words don't have a plural form.

Wait, I must have missed something here... Didn't he (she) just wake up from the disaster of her wedding with Akane? What's with the kata? It seems that you jumped scenes or something.

"Maybe next time we can do it with the tape off."


(blinks) Eyng?

Akane smiling.

Akane smiling


Akane smiling. (you were missing a period)


Damn, she's smiling again.


Joem: OOC. She's practically angry 24-7. Most of the time, she wouldn't be smiling anywhere near Ranma's vicinity.

Ranma broke off her katas and punched the ground as
hard as she could, cracking the boards in a thirty
foot radius circle around the center.


Destroying the Tendo dojo and several of the neighboring houses, no doubt. Look, it's Just-Won't-Die super-powered Ranma!

'I do love her. I just can't seem to tell her.  Why is
that?'


OIC, so here in this fic he wasn't able to confess. And see... when she's thinking, her funny tough guy accent vanishes. She doesn't need to replace every 'to' word with 'ta'.

"Why can't I say it?"


Because you're about to become a sailor-suited defender of love and justice, and part of the job description requires you to think about the lovey-dovey-mushy stuff.

Funny how your Ranma isn't acting like Ranma even though he speaks fanfiction-Ranma-ese just fine.

"Say what, Ranma-kun?"  Standing at the door to the
dojo was Kasumi, the ever-peaceful elder sister of
Akane.  Ranma looked up at her from the ground and
quickly wiped the tears from her own eyes.


Two things: Though I believe it's generally good practice to present characters in fanfiction as if the readers are unfamiliar with them, you are again 'telling' more than you are showing. Make use of a style that's a bit more subtle... show how 'ever-peaceful' Kasumi is with the dialogue and how she reacts to Ranma's condition without her, um, turning into such a spaz as seen in the paragraph below.

Second thing... Ranma's crying 'coz he can't say 'I love you' to Akane? Yeah, he's ready to wear a fuku and make corny speeches about love... You're turning him (none too subtly, might I add) to a blubbery, sappy Usagi.

"N-n-nothing Kasumi."  Kasumi knew something had to be
wrong with Ranma; she never came this close to crying.
Except around cats.  Cute little kitty cats, how
could anyone be afraid of them?  Genma-ojisan went too
far in training Ranma in that technique.  Wait Ranma
looked hurt now.


Your 'Wandering POV' needs work. Kasumi's insights aren't very insightful and don't add much to the fic at all.

"Ranma-kun are you alright?"


"Ranma-kun, are you all right?"

"'m fine Kasumi.


"I'm fine, Kasumi.

I also must note that Ranma's strange New Yorker accent has disappeared. Yay! Might I suggest scrapping the whole "fightin'... ta ...woulda..." thing altogether? 

 Don't worry about me.  How's Akane

doing?"  Kasumi was glad that Ranma was asking about
Akane, maybe this engagement would work out between
them after all.  Kasumi smiled at Ranma, he was such a
nice boy, perfect for her sister.  That, and he was
half-girl.


Yep, you're definitely suffering from the "tell, not show" affliction of fanfiction authors.
Y'see, the reader doesn't need to have the author give mounds and mounds of exposition on every little event. Why not show how Kasumi was glad about Ranma asking about Akane without spelling it out in prose? Show her gladness in how she reacts, how she smiles, her 'body language', etc. The exposition is unnecessary.

Spelling out of the significance of every other event is very intrusive and distracting to the reader. I suggest you find a way around this tendency of yours. As for the plot, I can't make heads of tails out of it because of the intrusive author/character asides.

"Alright, I'll just go make you some dinner then."
Kasumi headed off in the direction of the kitchen
while Ranma moseyed


Actually, to correct Lurker, you have the correct spelling of 'moseyed'. But, in agreement to Lurker, I suggest using some other verb. Like: sauntered, wandered, strolled, ambled, etc.

A black-haired girl dressed in a Western style wedding
dress laid upon a cushy bed with tears running down
her face.  She repeatedly hit her pillow one blow
after another.


Joem: She should be destroying the wooden table a la the Incredible Hulk, gorilla-strong tomboy that she is. It's pretty obvious, after all. Akane is only slightly less simple-minded than Ryoga. She's not stupid, but as Kakashi would say she fails to see "underneath the underneath".

Why did they have to come?  Why
couldn't they leave her with Ranma in peace?  Akane
continued to hit the pillow.


Strange, in the manga Ranma and Akane seemed almost relieved with what had happened with the wedding, the said event being 'too sudden' for the two.

Also, the way things are going are so clear-cut and predictable that, well, it's not just bordering boring, it's there, man. Liven things up. Keep the reader guessing, and not by making your prose unreadable, but by making your plot not-so-laid out in the open. Be like... a stripper. (ahem) Excuse me for the strangeness of the example, but work with me here. A stripper doesn't show everything right away, she teases and lets things fall piece by piece. Let your fanfic be like that, 'coz right now, it's a crack whore who disrobes at the drop of a dollar.

They had to show up and
ruin the one day where everything was supposed to go
right, and they hurt her Ranma.

'When did he become my Ranma?'


And we roll our eyes like this... 9_9

Gee, you're laying it so thick people may feel like gagging. The 'warm and fuzzy feelings' they'd be getting would be gastric in nature.

"Hi, I'm Akane, want to be friends?"


You're overusing the flashback thingies.

'Oh� Ranma, forgive me� I've been such a fool.'


Joem: Whatever... the strong 'feelings' they got came from 'times of great need' anyway. A relationship based on life-threatening events usually don't last, especially from two characters that are as incompatible as Ranma and Akane.

'He, Ranma's a boy, not a girl, but I can't help
thinking of her as a girl rather than a boy.  Every
time I picture Ranma in my head, she's Onna-Ranma, but
sometimes it's Otoko-Ranma as well.  Only sometimes.'


It makes perfect sense! All the times Akane twisted Ranma-chan's breasts in frustration and her equal vehemence for both Ranma's male and female forms... Of course she's a lesbian... Why didn't I see it before? 

Er... with this one paragraph, you've just told the reader what you're planning to do before it's even done. Ever heard of 'foreshadowing'? Subtleness? Should I remind you of the crack-whore/stripper analogy again?

"I know 'kane, I know.  They shouldn'ta come.  You
sure you're alright?"


Ack. The accent has returned.

A smile plastered itself across her face as she sighed
a loving sigh.


This reads like a... dare I say it?... fangirl's WAFF fanfic about Ranma and Akane, only with the lesbian twist.

"Why'd they have ta do that?  Not that I wanted to get
married to that tomboy anyways, but still�  They
shouldn'ta come ta ruin a wedding.  Especially if they
were invited guests. Though, it kinda was stupid to
put them on the guest list.  Damn Oyaji. Damn Ryoga.
Damn Mousse. Damn Shampoo. Damn Ukyo.


Joem: Hey, you're going too far there. OOC for Ranma to do that. He couldn't even muster the effort to insult Ukyo at Akane's suggestion.

I swear my eyes
were bugging right out of my head at how good that
'uncute tomboy' looked in that dress.  Then she tells
me 'bout the Nannichuan.  I go out to find it and what
happens? The bakas go to town on me and try ta hurt
Akane in the process.


I sincerely doubt that people normally ponder and think this way. It's just comes out as... awkward and forced, even though you didn't intend it to be.

Ranma gazed up at the night sky and sighed.  "I guess
I do wanna marry Akane after all.  I l..l..lo� damn
it!  I know how I feel about her! She means the world
to me.  I KILLED for her!  I killed a fucking godling
to save her life.  Ya think the bakas would get a
clue.  I KILLED to save Akane! That alone should say
something about how I feel about her.  I would
willingly sacrifice my life for hers.


Joem: Errata... It only shows that Ranma has a hero complex. It could have been Ukyo and Shampoo in Akane's place, and he would have done the same thing.

"I don't hate you Ranma.  After what you've done for
me, I could never hate you.  Quite the opposite
actually.  Honestly, why would you think I hate you?"


Actually, that's the funny thing, eh? In the manga, I believe Akane actually did say that, though she gets pissed off at Ranma nine times out of ten, she doesn't hate him at all.

"Because I'm a loudmouth jerk, I'm arrogant and a
'womanizer' and-"


Ranma: -incredibly out of character, because only 'times of great need (tm), i.e. somebody knocking to death's door' are enough to force me to confess my true feelings, especially my insecurities. I don't tell all at the drop of the hat. That's Ryoga's shtick, not mine.

"And thoughtful, and honorable, and an all around
great person.  Sure you may be arrogant, but with


Okay, now this really is really Out of Character. You didn't even give precedent as to why Akane would admit these things to Ranma. Usually, in Akane's POV, Ranma's so full of himself that she doesn't need to feed his ego with flattery and (albeit sincere) praise. Of course, this would probably work more wonders with Ryoga instead of Ranma.

Genma-ojisan as your father, you kinda would have to
be.  As for the 'womanizer' part�  I'm not gonna share
you with anyone else.  You are mine Ranma Saotome.
Today may not be the day where we get married, but one
day we will."


I'll give Akane enough credit to say that she is capable of confessing her feelings in this manner... maybe after five years or so, after high school when she finally matured. Or after she goes through the kind of character-building events that Hearts of Ice has. Or she couldn't say such things, but shows her feelings with her actions instead of her words.

She cannot say such things with such honesty and openness after the Saffron incident. As seen in the manga, it was obviously not enough a precedent for Akane to take a drastic step in her relationship with Ranma. She's too complacent with the current status quo to do that.

sign of Neptune glowing on Akane's forehead, and the
sign of Uranus, just as faint on Ranma's forehead.  As
the pair fell asleep, they instinctively snuggled up
to one another, and yes, they did fall asleep on the
roof.


This is the fanfiction equivalent of 'jumping to conclusions.' The events revolving around Akane's near death was not enough precedent for them (Ranma and Akane) to be this honest and this open. After many months of acting one way, the fanfic suddenly gave them a lobotomy so that they'd act in another way. In other words... this is highly unbelievable.

Sailor Pluto smiled as she watched the scene in the
Gates of Time.


(yawn) Pluto again? Well, as opposed to Washuu or Urd... it's still the same ol' thing. Cliche' no. 3.

"Y'know Akane, I think I'm gonna use the dojo for a
while."

"I'm coming with you Ranma."


Zzzzzzzzzzz...

"RANMA!"

Ranma began to back slowly away from Akane.
"S-s-sorry Akane� it's just the image of you that
clueless�"

Akane reddened even more and then� began to giggle.


I'm of the opinion that most of fanfiction portray Akane as too angry, as if she needs to take angry pills everyday just to stay the way she is. Seems like somebody changed her prescription here, giving her Mihoshi's happy pills.

"I guess you're right Ranma, I probably did look
pretty stupid."


This is an example of one of the top ten things Akane would never say to Ranma.

She caught her breath. "But, if you
laugh at me again�"  She let that statement hang as
she slowly pulled out her mallet, dubiously named
mallet-sama by several fanfiction authors, thus that
term will be used here,


Author: ...for the sake of consistently being inconsistent. Damn it, if the prose of Sailor Ranko fanfiction usually has asides from the author, then so will this fanfic! Insert anime cliche' no. 4 here.

even if it is not the official
name for it.  Mallet-sama easily punctuated her point
as Ranma gulped and nodded.


Ranma is afraid of Soun's demon head. He doesn't get threatened by the mallet (which Kasumi gave to Akane, so it's not a magical object from hammerspace) because Akane  doesn't give threats. She is very proactive and quick in making her promises of pain into reality.

"Good.  Now, I should start practicing too."  Akane
smiled at Ranma, obviously very happy with him.


Akane, like any _normal_ 'shojo', is happy with Ranma when he does something nice and sweet like save her life, _not_ after he just halfway insulted her.

The
smile, as always, made Ranma's heart skip a few beats.
This was the girl that he was going to marry, and no
one could change his mind about it.  Not the Amazons,
not Ukyo, not his father, not even his mother would
change his decision.


Joem: Are you kidding? Circumstances from the very start have been very pro-Akane. Ranma's mother inexplicably loves Akane as Akane reverts to her 'nice girl' act; Shampoo has the Jusenkyo curse and Cologne to keep her away from Ranma, and Ukyo has doesn't nearly have half of Akane's kidnapping rate to take advantage of Ranma's hero complex. Akane has been unjustifiably lucky with the circumstances surrounding her and Ranma. So cut the 'against all odds' crap, Akane already got it covered.

The only problem is that his

father would agree with his decision.


He wants his father to disagree? Why, he wants yet another challenge in getting married with Akane?

Oh well, even

Ranma Saotome can't win them all.  Akane decided that
she'd do some of the kata that she had learned when
she was little, to work on the basics a bit.   Ranma
stood off to the side and watched.  Akane knew the
basics alright, but her movements were too jerky� too�
forced one could say.


Ranma: She's practically telegraphing the movements, even.

"Well?"

"Very nice, Akane� But, you need to relax a little bit
more.  Your movements were too jerky.  They seemed
like you were forcing them, not letting them flow.
This is what you looked like."

Ranma did the first few movements of the kata in slow
motion, attempting to perform every nuance that Akane
did in hers.

"I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything;
technically that was a very good performance of the
kata, but I think you wanted to do it like this."


Fanfic cliche' no. 5: Solve every goddamn 'problem' the source material had in a sudden and unexplained manner. "They began to act like that just because." Or, to be cheesier, "They began to act like that all of a sudden because their love has finally blossomed, making them better persons."

Akane's voice dropped down to a whisper.  "This would,
baka�"  She grabbed the smaller girl's head and began
to kiss her furiously.


Of course it's still OOC, but as an aside, I'd like to note that this is Ranma's ideal Akane... except, of course, the lesbian thing.

She walked off into the center of the dojo again,
leaving her fianc� with a silly smile upon her face.
Akane did the kata with no flaws this time, and as she
executed the moves, Ranma slowly came out of her kiss
induced stupor.  She watched the flawless
implementation of the kata done by her fianc�e


fianc�

"Time for breakfast you two.  Akane, would you help me
in the kitchen to bring it out?"  Akane nodded.


Ranma: (survival instinct kicks in, sneaks off to Ucchan's)

As Akane followed Kasumi into the house, Ranma set out
to seek Genma and Soun.  She decided to check outside
the front gate, and, sure enough, an unconscious panda
and a long-haired man with a moustache were lying
outside in a pushcart.  Ranma "tsked" as she looked
over the two men, and then got an evil smirk that
looked out of place on her sweet little face.  She
sucked in a large breath of air and�

"WAKE UP!"


~_~ Do you need to show each and every last scene? This scene seems highly pointless to me.

"GROWF!" ["How dare you do something like that to your
father?"]-flip-["Ungrateful boy!"]


9_9 Oh great. All that's missing now is to put this fanfic in script format.

"Kasumi, do you think that I could cook something for
Nabiki specifically to eat?"


Nabiki to specifically eat?"

Though I suggest getting rid of 'specifically', since it's not realistic to put that word in everyday conversation.


Kasumi blinked. Everyone knew how bad Akane was at
cooking.


Hell, even Akane did.

At least she wasn't thinking of cooking for
everyone.  Usually she decides to cook for Ranma and
no one else.  This time, however, she was asking to
cook for Nabiki.  Kasumi guessed that this was her
punishment for helping to ruin the wedding.


Nabiki: Riiight. So what's stopping me to eat out? Great punishment, sis.

Akane does not have the confidence to use her inability to cook as a weapon against people. It'd be like her insulting herself, and honestly why would she do that?

"Nah, that's not punishment fit for the crime, 'kane,
cook her lunch too."


Ironically, since she's consciously trying to create a bad meal for Nabiki, it backfired and turned out to be first class gourmet food.

All: O_O

Nabiki: Wow! Akane-chan, this is simply divine. The eggs are coating each and every grain of rice, making it shine like gold! Who would have thought... you're not only bad at cooking, you're also bad at making a conscious effort in failing at cooking!

Akane: ;_;

Kasumi tittered as she walked out into the dining room
to set the table.  Akane finished up what she was
doing in the kitchen and strolled out into the dining
room to set Nabiki's place.  By the time this
happened, both Genma and Soun were sitting at the
table, awaiting their meal. Kasumi glanced at the
clock and gasped.


Pay attention, readers... this is the in-between scenes people usually leave out in their fanfics so that they'd get to the good parts. This is the fanfiction equivalent of pointless filler episodes... pointless filler scenes.

"Wakey, wakey, Nabiki�"

"Nnnnnnn�"


Nabiki: Dammit, Saotome... I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that we were married, got wasted and then got laid. After that, the walking asylum Kodachi had our little tryst recorded in VHS. She threatened to show it to everyone we know if we don't divorce or something. Then I kept getting flashes of the words "Nabiki's Room," "Furinkan High," "Downstairs in the den," "Toilet", as if there's a sign in every last room and place in Nerima.

"Ranma, Ranma, Ranma, now what would my sister say if
she saw you trying to seduce me?"

"B-b-but I wasn't try-"

"It will cost you ten thousand yen for my silence."

Ranma grumbled as he handed over the money.


If this was a video documentary, then these scenes are going to the cutting room floor.

Even when I'm trying to get my revenge on her, she
finds a way to swindle me out of my money.


Ranma: Because I'm as dumb as a doorknob.

Akane: Ranma, you're acting so weird! Why would you say that?

Ranma: I dunno. Why would I admit that I'm a "loudmouth jerk, I'm arrogant and a 'womanizer'" and other stuff for no good reason?

Akane: Point.

"Anyways, come down for breakfast."

"I'll be down in a minute Ranma-kun."


There's no need for long chapters that stretch for pages on end if it's going to contain pointless scenes like this one.

Nabiki spit the food out of her mouth at that, grabbed
her schoolbag and quickly head off to school.


headed off to school

Shortly
afterwards both Ranma and Akane began to snicker, then
chuckle, finally they were laughing hysterically.


Akane: (giggle) I cook poison! I can cook fresh eggs and they come out (giggle) ROTTEN! (chuckle, giggle) I'm a bad cook!

Ranma: (chuckle) Yeah, you can probably make genetic experiments out of your cooking to. Why, I remember the nice conversation I had with the croquette you cooked last Tuesday.  (chortle)

Akane and Ranma: (both break into boisterous laughter)

....Minutes later

Ranma: Oi, Akane! O_O;

Akane: (in the corner, depressed and crying)

"Nihao!" A purple-haired busty Chinese Amazon named
Shampoo had glomped


Fanfic cliche no. 6.

Ranma's face began to contort with rage as he was
being rubbed by Shampoo.


Joem: Correction... Akane's face began to contort with rage as Shampoo rubbed on Ranma like a 'cat in heat', so to speak.

Akane, watching the scene, began to follow her normal
protocol and get angry at Ranma. (Forever known as the
"It's all Ranma's fault" complex.)


But the plot contrivance again proved that nothing is impossible in the realm of fanfiction. In character? Canon precedents? Perish the thought.

However, the kiss

that they shared this morning allowed her to stay calm
long enough to see how angry Ranma was with Shampoo.


You're really stretching the reader's ability to suspend their disbelief.

"SHAMPOO NO BAKA!" SLAM! Akane had in one fell swoop
pulled out mallet-sama and sent the amorous Amazon
flying in the direction of the Nekohanten.  "AND TAKE
YOUR BIKE WITH YOU!" She threw the bike like a discus
after Shampoo.  Akane then offered her hand towards
Ranma and helped him to his feet.  Both seemed a bit
calmer, and a slight blush began forming on the young
couple's cheeks.


I'd be amazed if a better writer could pull this scene off in such a way that it'd be believable. As it is, it's not.

"Yeah, um� Thanks Akane.  Not that I couldn't have
gotten out of her grasp at any time you know�"


Honestly speaking, there's no way Ranma should still be there. 'Mallet-sama' should have had him flying with Shampoo towards the Nekohanten, in accordance to the fact that he was in close proximity to the Amazon with no intention of letting go in consideration of Akane's feelings.

"At last, I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, hath
defeated the vile sorcerer who hath kept both the
fierce tigress Akane Tendo and the beauteous pigtailed
girl enslaved to him, the vile demon Saotome!  Now I,
Tatewaki Kuno do reinstate the decree that any person
who wishes to date Akane Tendo must defeat her in
combat with the addition of the pigtailed girl as
well!"


Kuno: Just so we can reinstate Fanfic Cliche' no 7... the 'Hentai Horde'. We have to be consistent with the Fanfic Cliche, after all. Since everyone hath seen these cliche before, I'm sure they would want to see them all compiled in this fanfic for easy referencing!

"Vile demon! Thou dost dare to show thine face at
these hollowed grounds after the Blue Thunder hath
smoten you?"


(sigh) I've seen worse, but that paragraph is in the top ten.

Ranma blinked as he tried to decipher the Kuno-speak
and then smirked.  "Funny, I think I would remember
being 'smoten'."


Hmmm. The accent is good. All is well, but apparently the fic has a 'horrible speech pattern' quota, thus... Kuno.

"Saotome prepare to die! Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!"
Kuno pulled out his bokken


As opposed to bokuto?

"Hai, sensei."  Ranma went and served his sentence.


Ei, where's Akane? Aren't they classmates? Why isn't she being punished for being late?

When he returned to his seat, rather than falling
asleep as he usually did, he made a conscious effort
to stay awake for the lesson.


Er, why? Is there a special occasion?

Ranma: Hell, it's always a 'special occasion' when I'm in a fanfic. I have to act 'extra nice' or 'extra OOC' for the sake of forced plot development.

smiled and began to teach, happy that for once, Ranma
had decided to stay awake for her lesson.


Actually, he did the classic GTO trick of drawing eyes on his eyelids with a marker. 

Ranma: O_O

More whispers began to circulate the classroom.


Classmate #1: We must be in a fanfic!

Classmate#2: No way! Then a really irritating new guy will appear with super powers, right?

Classmate#3: I heard he can randomly hypnotize random high school girls into sleeping with him!

Classmate#1: I heard it's usually Nabiki who gets victimized by that.

Classmate#1 and 2: (nods sagely)

"Akane, ya wanna eat lunch with me?"


Ranma: 'Coz, y'know, I have a death wish and I want to try out the bento you most probably made just for me in case I asked you to eat lunch with me.

"Sure thing, Ranma!" Akane smiled at Ranma, and he


Oh yeah, the only other time Akane smiles at Ranma aside from Ranma doing some (sometimes unintentional) nice thing is when she's about to feed Ranma her prized, home cooking.

"Ranchan! Akane-chan, would the two of you like some
lunch?"


Akane: (says the dreaded four words) Oh, I have it covered.

Ranma: (dead man walking)

Ranma joined Akane in glaring at Ukyo and said, "Don't
you think you've done enough?"


Ukyo: (oblivious, shakes her head) No. (points to her okonomiyaki cart) So what'll it be, sugar? ^-^

Joem: The author's obvious bias against Ukyo and for the Ranma-Akane coupling is showing here. The bombing was no big deal to Ranma, obviously. And Akane, simple-minded insecure brute that she is, is naturally very forgiving... at least, very forgiving of everyone that's not Ranma. 

Ranma lead Akane to his

favorite lunch spot and the two sat down.  Ukyo was
shocked to see the way Ranma was acting towards Akane.
The two were obliviously eating and talking quietly,
without arguing.


...with no believable precedent as to why they've called truce.

<<snip the rest of the OOC madness>>

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful.


As opposed to parts of the day that you narrated, which were very "eventful." Kasumi's intrusive POVs. Ranma and Akane's sudden lobotomy, er harmony towards one another. Ranma waking up Soun and Genma. Ranma waking up Nabiki. Nabiki's cliche blackmail. The Tendo and Saotome family eating. Akane's self-insulting scheme to feed Nabiki her cooking. Running towards Furinkan. The uncalled for reinstating of the so-called 'hentai brigade' or whatever. Ranma beating Kuno. Ranma getting bucket duty. Ranmazzzzzzzz....

If the pointless parts of the fic were to be scrapped, this fic would be two paragraphs long... and your whole story could still be told.

Kuno
left Ranma alone for the day, and Ranma ignored Ukyo
in class, favoring paying attention to the teacher
instead.

If that sentence ain't OOC, I dunno what is. I'm don't have an Ukyo bias, but I can still easily see how wrong that sentence is.

In the words of Jose Argao, "The criteria (for in character characterization) is simple for me. As long as a character could conceivably act in a certain way given the evidence in canon, it's fine. The only way a characterization would be inappropriate is if, given the canon, that characterization would be impossible.

Example:

* Ryoga was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this wouldn't work because Ryoga has had chances to get with Ranma's female half in canon and he has made it abundantly clear that he doesn't like her. Any interpretation along those lines would have to take this fact into account to be IC, and I don't see a logical way to explain it all away. This doesn't mean Ryoga can't fall in love with Ranma in the future. It simply means that he wasn't in love with Ranma all along.

* Daisuke was in love with Ranma-chan all along - this would work because AFAIK Daisuke has never made any opinion on Ranma-chan one way or the other, so any interpretation along those lines would be IC. There is no precedent. It's a blank slate and so just about anything you put in it would fall into the "conceivable" category. You could have him secretly going to fetish clubs with Hiroshi watching schoolgirls get it on with tentacle monsters and it would still be IC."

Problem with your characterization, even by Joem's standards, is that you readily change the way the characters react to situations in direct opposition to given precedents. Why bother making a Ranma crossover if the central characters don't even begin to react in a realistic manner and the supporting characters are flatter than the two layers cardboard homeless people sleep in?

Ranma's mother, Nodoka Saotome, had arrived at the
Tendo home around noon, and both she and Kasumi had
been cleaning the house ever since.  Nodoka was
unhappy with the results of the wedding attempt
yesterday and had come to the conclusion that her son,
though he was manly, perhaps was a bit too manly.  She
had also made the observation that Ranma was in love
with Akane, and that she reciprocated the feeling.


You're doing it again. You're taking the easy way out and spelling things out to the reader a la synopsis. I would suggest showing Nodoka's intentions and motivations once she gets to converse with Ranma and Akane or something.

about to her friend Setsuna Meiou, the guidance
councilor at Juuban High School, the night before
about.  If anyone could help the two find a place
where they could get a fresh beginning, Setsuna could.

Kasumi smiled as she continued to clean, heading into
Ranma and Genma's room.  She found some oil stains on
some of Ranma's clothing and made a mental note to
tell him if he was going to the race tracks to make
sure to wear his protective gear when he drove.


Though I would rather have the paragraph scrapped altogether, here's a grammer suggestion:

Suggest: She found some oil stains on some of Ranma's clothing. She made a mental note to tell him that if he was going to race tracks, he should make sure to wear protective gear when he drove.

Kasumi

was a bit afraid of getting in the car with Ranma; he
drove unnervingly fast, but she could not deny that
she was safe.


Nitpick: There are about three cars all in all in Nerima. Or even less than that.  I'm inclined to believe 'driving' isn't very popular in Ranma 1/2 universe Nerima.

With Ranma's martial arts training, he

could avoid most accidents that others could not.


Yukari: Car accidents? No such thing!

Car accidents? In Nerima? Hah. He's driving so fast because it's 'open road' there, so to speak.

Akane began to have a blush form on her face as well.
"Trying to cop a feel, eh Ranma?"


Fangirl waff.

Ranma broke down to incoherent babbling from there,
and Akane shrugged at the fact so she began her
workout.


Please, one thought per sentence.

In a flurry of blows the battle was engaged.  Ranma
was keeping his father on his toes, and Genma was
redefining the meaning of sneakiness.  Overall it was
an interesting fight to watch, and the author would
have described it had he known exactly how.


Not like the author needs to. 

Well , it

was more of an uninteresting fight to watch, as the
speed at which the blows happened were on the
borderline of being too fast for sight.  The spar
ended when Genma was knocked into the koi pond.

["I was a panda already, boy!"]


["Launch me into the pool only when I'm not a panda. What's the point of a curse if you don't repeatedly show that you're cursed?"]

Ranma: (incredulous) What?!

Akane sweat dropped at that statement.


I can't believe I'm saying this, but I suggest refraining from using the 'sweat drop' thing. But if you really insist, why not rephrase it to, "A large bead of sweat appeared on Akane's forehead as she heard the statement."

 Just then the

couple heard some screams coming from the alley below
them.  The two leaped down to find a young woman being
mugged by several masked men.  Well, Ranma leaped down
anyways; Akane was in his arms, and Ranma placed his
fianc�e on the ground next to him when he reached said
ground.


I dunno what Ranma-fuku fanfic you read made you think that meddling author narratives are the bomb, but I'm here to tell you it's not. Let the story tell itself. There are authors who do this sort of style and pull it off, but I don't think you're one of them. Furthermore, you're overdoing it.
 
So far, this fic is reading a lot like "fanboy's dream to fix everything wrong in Ranma 1/2", which makes this a very awkward read.

In retrospect, this wasn't the brightest idea that
Seijiro Kuno had come up with as he and his men had
their butts handed to them.  The battle was over
before it began, and Seijiro collapsed muttering, "I
fight on�"


(eyebrow raised) Kuno? Oh please... Fanfic cliche' no. 7, annoying new one-shot character whose sole purpose is to show how superior the main characters are.

"So, what movie d'ya wanta see 'kane?"


'kane: (choke slams Ranma, then follows up with a tombstone pile driver)

"Oh, I don't know, how about that one?"

Ranma nodded and paid for the tickets.  Luckily for
Ranma the movie was peaceful.


Ranma: Ack! A chick movie! Lucky me! (sleeps, snores)

Akane: (grumbles)

***************************************
"Tonight, my darling Ranma-sama, you will be mine!  I
will show that peasant Tendo the true power of a
Kuno!"  Leaping and bounding towards where she was
informed Ranma was at, she laughed maniacally.
"OH-HOHOHOHOHO! OH-HOHOHOHOHO!"


Kodachi: I'll use this sex tape to... (blinkies) Ara? Oh, wrong fanfic! (cackles her familiar cackle)

The movie had ended, and the young couple was exiting
the theater.  They decided to stop at a caf� to have a
drink and some snacks.  Kodachi found them in the
middle of sharing an ice cream sundae.


Well, so much for subtleness.

Akane began to methodically beat the Kuno girl into
the ground.  Kodachi fought back of course, but it was
like comparing a mouse to a raging bull.


Kodachi was able to kick Akane's posterior quite easily in the Martial Arts Gymnastics thing, and since it's 

Akane

finished off the match with a cry of "Kodachi no
Baka!"  and sent the crazed gymnast flying into Low
Earth Orbit.


I'm of the opinion the Akane's super punch is only applicable to times of misunderstood perverseness in Ranma's part. Y'know, the rule of divine retribution for an anime woman wronged.

"Nicely done, Akane.  Very nicely done.


Ranma: ...Your ogre-like power sure showed Kodachi! Narusegawa Naru's the imitator, you're the original gorilla-strong tomboy! You're the real thing!

Akane: (layeth the smackdown on Ranma)

The fact that Ranma passes up this opportunity to demonstrate his foot-in-mouth disease makes me doubt that this is still Ranma.

Of course it
shouldn't have taken you that long, but still, I knew
you could beat her."

Akane paused at those words, and then rushed over to
Ranma and gave him a hug that would put the Amazon
Glomp to shame.


This must be an Akane dream. Yeah, there's no other explanation... besides contrived fanfiction stories, that is...

Ranma smirked, though this creature looked female, it
was in no way a girl, nor did it have any Ki.


One thought per sentence. Revise.

Akane nodded.  Trashcia had a different idea though.
"To get the Heart Crystal you'll have to go through
me.  Garbage Barrage!"  A bunch of trash bags began to
be hurled at insane speeds towards the two martial
artists.

-_-

"To prevent the saving of a life, this is something I
cannot allow." Muttered Ranma.


Two things:

First, revise: "To prevent the saving of a life, this is something I cannot allow," muttered Ranma. 

Second... since you've read so many Ranma fuku fics, then you should probably be familiar with the classic, "Ranma reacts rather violently to the fact that he's spouting out corny speeches about love and justice, and very verbally complains about the fact." Suggest using that, to make Ranma's transition to senshi more believable.

"Is that all?" Trashcia said with a smirk as she
continued to be hit by the young couple. "I was
expecting a challenge.  Garbage Barrage!"


Aw. The Daimon is quite possibly stronger than Saffron. Didn't see that one coming... cliche' no. 8 and all that (which is, btw, the inexplicably-stronger-nemesis-than-the-final-boss-of-the-canon-source cliche)

On the ground, Akane struggled to get up, but failed
miserably.  Ranma wasn't faring much better.  This
fight was taking more energy out of him than any of
his fights before, even the one with Saffron.


Use the power of love, Ranma! Or the power of sappiness, or the power of WAFF!

A bolt of energy struck the Daimon, knocking her into
the alley's back wall.  The Daimon groaned.  "Look at
all the pretty colors�"


And so will I... (groans)

Ranma and Akane arched their eyebrows at that.
Suddenly they heard stirring from the back of the
alley.  Trashcia still lived!


The author expects the readers to be shocked! He fails miserably!

Pluto's eyes narrowed.

"Quickly you two, take these rods, raise them above
your head and say the first thing that comes into your
mind!"


"This is really stupid!" cried Ranma.

"I can't believe I fell for this!" cried Akane.

Nothing happened. They tried again.

"Ranma Saotome is the greatest martial artist EVER!" cried Ranma.

"Be serious, Ranma!" cried Akane.

Still nothing. They hoped that third time's a charm.

"Is it dinner yet? I can't wait to try Kasumi's sukiyaki tonight!" cried Ranma.

"Ranma no baka!" cried Akane.

Lights began to shine around both Ranma and Akane.
Ranma grew about six inches taller and her hair turned
dishwater blonde.  The pigtail came undone and her
hair waved freely behind her.  It slowly shortened to
a pageboy cut and the fuku came upon her in that
instant.  Her face had make-up placed upon it, she was
in the fuku of Sailor Uranus.


Ranma: Oh well... at least the character lobotomy now goes hand in hand with the body change.

Akane's hair flashed blue-green as her fuku formed
around her body.  Her hair lengthened down to her
mid-back, and her face had make-up covering it; she
was in the fuku of Sailor Neptune.


She also had a strange craving to play the violin for some reason.

Uranus needed no more prodding.  No one threatened
Akane and got away with it.  If this monster needed to
die so Akane could be protected, then it would die,
just like Saffron.

~_~

"I don't know if this is going to work, but here
goes�"  Uranus was glowing as she brought her aura to
the visible spectrum.  She went through the motions
required to cast World Shaking.  "Now die, you beast!
World Shaking revised: Dire Strike!"


The technique sounds good, too bad the story doesn't come near to the attention you give to the senshi attacks.

IMO, you're enjoying the fan-made techniques too much, ignoring the more important aspects of the fanfic: like, oh I dunno, believable, not-at-all-contrived plot? Non-cheesy romance? Drama? Show, not tell? A decisive lack of intrusive character asides? Originality?

The energy
released from this attack was similar to the world
shaking in shape only.  The size of the blast was at
least ten times that of her basic attack, and the
color was a mixture of both the orange energy of the
Senshi magic, and the normal bluish-yellow of her
confidence aura.


Right. Gotcha. Cliche' no. I'm-not-keeping-count-anymore, super-powered fan-made powers. If you can give this much attention to such a piddly detail, why not give equal attention to fixing your numerous plot holes?

***********************************************
(End Chapter 1: The Outer Senshi)
Author's ending notes.  I actually intended this
chapter to be a bit longer, but I'd say it's long
enough wouldn't you? ;-P  Anyways, the next chapter
should be fun, but you may have to wait a while before
its release, I have a few other fics to work on as
well.  Plus I keep getting distracted by school and
other stuff.  (Other stuff being games)  As always,
you can reach me at ellfangor8@gmail.com for any C&C.
Wow, 25 pages in word, and I wanted it to be longer!


It's not the length, it's the quality. To be crude, unlike a penis, the length of a story does not make up for its lack of quality. It doesn't make for better reading.

Any reviews are welcome!  Flames, well they're reviews
too!

Well, I am of the opinion that this fanfic is need of an incredible amount of reworking. Presentation of fanfic in terms of grammar and style is one thing, content is another. It's like you put in every last cliche from every last fuku fic in this one fic. You don't have a sense of what's interesting or not, putting in countless pointless scenes for the sake of unnecessarily lengthening this fic. I mean, do the readers want to read about Ranma waking up Genma, Soun and Nabiki? Do the readers want to read about Akane beating perverts up? Also, your writing suffers from lack of originality. You have no style, you only heavily borrow from all the fuku fics you've read before. You beat around the bush too much in terms of plot, and the main plot point isn't even worth as a payoff, since readers could see it a mile away. You also lack subtlety, as seen in the heavily hammed up paragraphs and stating-of-the-painfully-obvious. You usually tell more than you show. Furthermore, the character lobotomies stick out like a sore thumb. The supporting characters were so flat and thin that I could get a paper cut touching them. There's nothing fresh or innovative about this fic at all. At last, your so-called " new 'planning' approach" wasn't apparent in showing how it could have improved this chapter.

OTOH, your writing was solid enough to contain the least amount of grammar mistakes. All it needs is better, I dunno, rewording. Also, you have to ask yourself... what's the main point of this chapter? Once that's done, make sure to make the main point apparent as much as possible. Learn to show the character motivations instead of outright telling them to the reader. That's just boring. Also, have fun writing. Don't give up. You have room for improvement, so go about improving. It won't be easy, since you can only write what you write, but with enough conscious effort, you may be able to pull it off and make better quality fics.

I'll be frank. I hated this fic in general and this first chapter in particular. But who cares? If you can, make use of my critiques in improving this chapter. If you choose not to, I'll look forward in seeing how you improve (or not ::shrug::) as you continue writing this.

Good luck, and keep on writing.

Abdiel

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