Arthur Hansen wrote:
--- hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> wrote:
From: hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com>
Subject: [FFML] Re: The Eagle and the Dragon II (final draft)
Another short one to C&C. Though my comments didn't turn out to be so
short...
[GAH! So I see! I'll try to explain as best I can.]
The point of my comments is not, of course, that I personally need
explanations (I may or
may not want them); the point is (hopefully) to suggest ways to improve
your story, for a larger
number of possible readers. And, of course, everything I write is my
opinion only; take it
or leave it as you see fit.
Since my initial response, I went back and read Part I of this, which
does fill in a bit of
the background.
Arthur Hansen wrote:
"Well, Kasumi didn't want us to be publicly around while the three of 'us'
are in the United States. Well, unless we have to."
Kasumi is only publicly here as Kasumi, it appears, because she's a part
of the Emperor's bodyguard. You don't give a reason why Rising Sun isn't bodyguarding the Emperor instead.
For that matter, why are Ranma and Akane 'publicly' there?
[Red Hawk and Retribution are trying to minimize linking Ranma-Akane with Kasumi/Rising Sun is all. Secret Identities are a pain.]
This seems to make sense, after re-reading part I, but could stand a bit
more amplification
somewhere. Ranma and Akane came along as themselves because they
hoodwinked their
parents into a vacation, and Kasumi facilitated it "just in case";
Kasumi is publicly in D.C.
in both her guises.
people flying overhead. Red Hawk carried Retribution into a seedier, more
commercial district. She suddenly dove down a smokestack that was hidden
among other ones.
What neighborhood is this in? D.C. has never been a highly
industrialized city; I don't remember any area with a lot of smokestacks. Or is this another alterverse feature?
[I assume that Washington D.C. has *some* light industry or that the smoke-stacks are from service oriented companies.]
Washington D.C. has been "just government" for pretty much its entire
history.
Today, there are a LOT of service-oriented companies in the suburbs,
feeding off
the trough, but they mostly occupy office buildings. I think you have
to kill the
multiplicity of smokestacks, unfortunately. What about an over-large
ventilation
duct on the roof of a nondescript office building?
The larger point, for your future writing, is that SOMEONE in your
audience knows
more than you do about every factual matter your stories touch upon,
unless you do
research (and, even then, a few readers still will).
"How is the plans to destroy the only threat to our design?" a dark haired
man asked as he entered a shadowy office.
Good grammar would be "How are the plans..." If you're trying to make a
point that this
speaker uses bad grammar, it's not coming through.
[Hmm. Tempest has resonable English. Adolph Hitler's is probably a bit off.]
Strongly suggest you give us more hints in your story as to who this
is. Might want to describe
Hitler's moustache, for instance.
The shorter man just stared in shock. How did he do that? How did he have
such an uncanny ability to predict what the enemies of the Lancelot League
would do?
Two bad guys, neither named, is just irritating. And if the point of
this scene is the prediction, suggest getting to it more quickly.
I get the impression here that you the author are much more interested
in the politics of your alterverse world than you are in your characters. This is not good, since very few readers will share this interest.
[I'm trying to emulate the "shadowy and mysterious" enemies that aren't revealed directly until a confrontation. Standard comic book genre stuff. Hmm. Tempest (time traveling villain from Lois and Clark) and Adolph Hitler (part of the Lancelot League) should be interesting enough, I think.]
Now that I know who they are, yes. I don't think "shadowy and
mysterious" enemies, a la
comic books, quite works unless the reader has a fair chance to guess
who they are. True,
not all comics do it that way, but IMO when they don't, there's a single
villain who is just
ranting about his defeat; identity is unimportant. Here, on the other
hand, you have significant-
sounding interaction between the two villains, but it was meaningless to
me without more
clue as to who they were.
"You know I'm just an intern, Miss Tendo."
"Yes, but you are the only official representative here of his government.
And this is a delicate matter," Kasumi countered.
This is so implausible for any universe even remotely related to our own
that I don't even know how to read this. If Kasumi has another motive here, suggest you inform us.
[Veneer of legitimacy. The Akihito is attempting to do an end-run around the Prime Minister and the government. In this scenario he is supposed to have a great deal of respect and clout, but no *real* authority at this point.]
So Kasumi, in her aide role rather than her bodyguard role, has arranged
for Usagi to be here
as part of a devious political plan? This seems much more plausible,
but I really, really think
you ought to be explaining this to us somewhere. You might, for
instance, add a scene on the
plane to the U.S. where Kasumi goes over this plan with the Emperor.
"Kasumi, I was sent here because I'm not exactly liked by my office!" she
tried to protest.
"In that case, you may need to rethink your loyalties then," Kasumi said
softly. "We live in dangerous times and must take decisive action to save
all of our people."
"Rethink your loyalties"? WTF? That's a reply to Usagi whining about
being exiled by her office?
Hmm... if this is supposed to be Kasumi trying to talk Usagi into
quitting the PM's office and joining the Emperor's entourage, I still don't get it: Kasumi just said that she needs or wants a representative of the PM's office in this meeting. Again, though, if Kasumi is trying to recruit Usagi because she knows or suspects Usagi's identity, suggest
you make this clearer.
[I must have messed it up. Usagi is part of the Prime Minister's office and political party (whatever that is. Japanese politics is a little vague to me. The PM is about to sell out the Japanese to "appease" the New Warsaw Pact countries (Russia, China and NK.)]
[Kasumi is basically trying to steal Usagi and use her to make the average Japanese citizen think that the PM is in on the upcoming plan.]
Well, the specific exchange between Kasumi and Usagi doesn't reflect
this. what does this
have to do with rethinking her loyalties?
In general, as I said above, Kasumi's plan seems reasonable (and
devious). Suggest Kasumi
arranges for Japanese TV newscrew to interview Usagi prior to the
meeting with the President,
though, and timed so that a full news cycle intervenes before Usagi can
screechingly claim,
post-meeting, that she'd been tricked. (Kasumi has to assume that Usagi
might do this.) Kasumi
might even offer to write Usagi a little speech for the news conference
prior. The point would
be to make SURE that the Japanese public thinks the P.M.'s office is
involved here.
"We are facing a crisis that our peoples have never dreamed of before,"
Emperor Akihito said as soon as Usagi and Kasumi sat down. "President Lee,
Senator Schwarzenegger; I have sources within my government that believe
that we will probably capitulate to the New Warsaw members and hand over one
half of our Ultra Enhancement facilities by the end of January."
A Japanese Emperor should not be given to typical American lack of
historical context. Extra-territorical demands by external aggressors IS a crisis that the Japanese have seen before, in the 19th century. And Japan MADE such demands, of the Chinese, in the 20th.
[I'm not understanding your issue with this. The Emperor is just making sure everyone is on the same page and thinking the same way.]
"...that our peoples have never dreamed of before" is hyperbole, and
strikes me as the kind of
hyperbole that only Americans indulge in, not Japanese Emperors.
Suggest something like "The
bonds between our two peoples are facing a strain such as they have not
seen in seventy years."
or something like that.
"This is not good at all," the aging president replied. "The United States
will have to be seen to respond to this or construed as weakening in our
protection of all of our allies. This could lead to attacks all over the
world."
If the Japanese decide to capitulate on their own, why must the U.S. be
seen to respond? OTOH, if America contributed the U-E facilities, and they're still secret in 2017, concern is certainly warranted, but should be expressed somewhat differently. "The United State
cannot have that technology fall into the hands of the New Warsaw Pact.
If your government does capitulate, we will have to take action, to destroy those sites if necessary."
[It's kind of the "Red Scare" all over again. The US has released the information on how to make the enhancement centers, but these enhancement centers are hugely expensive. They are so big that the US had to cut their military budget in half. During a crisi period of history.]
[And the "commies" are trying to demand 1/2 of a major ally on threat of force. This is akin to the Cuba missile crisis, except that it isn't the US being directly threatened.]
A comparison to the Cuban missile crisis didn't occur to me at all.
Let's see... if
the US has released the info, then military secrets aren't the issue at
all, as I assumed.
Suggest one of your speakers mention that the info is public, then.
So the issue is "only" territorial blackmail? Okay, but again, IMO this
should be
clearer. The U.S. should be concerned, certainly, about a long-time
ally being
subjected to this; but, if I read your overall situation correctly,
uncertain about
what measures to take in response, since many possible measures might very
well make things worse. Suggest you have President Lee or Senator
Arnold sum up
before the Emperor jumps into his spiel. Also might want to have
somebody offer
an observation about the general state of Japanese public opinion and
how it might
be altered if necessary.
[President Bruce Lee hasn't been fully fleshed out, but he's basically getting to be Kennedy during the Cuban missile crisis. This is more of being set up as a back room wheel and dealing to sell the idea to the President (and Schwarzzineger, who is a big mover and shaker in that time frame.]
More alterverse: Bruce Lee wasn't born in the U.S., and couldn't, under
the current constitution, ever become
president. But skip that. I can see a Senate Majority Leader of the
same party as the President sitting in on
this meeting; although we haven't had one in recent decades, there have
been times when the Senate Majority
Leader could indeed speak for all of Congress (Lyndon Johnson, for
instance).
And there would be a LOT of resistance in Congress to taking in 120
million new Americans whose English
is bad to non-existant. While Japan certainly could, in principle be
added to the U.S. as one or more new states,
Congress would need to do SOMETHING.
Thinking through relevant precedents: there is, first, the acquisition
of the territory: buying the Louisiana
Purchase, the Gadsden Purchase, or Alaska; or simple conquest, and then,
second, there is the admission
of parts of the territory as states. Texas and California seem like the
closest precedents; in both cases,
the U.S. admitted previously-independent nations, ten years in the case
of Texas and I think one year in
California's case. Congressional acts were required in both cases.
Usagi suddenly licked her lips nervously. This did not sound at all like a
'State Visit' that she had been told about.
Suggest "the 'State Visit'
[??? I'm not sure this needed changing.]
It's in the context of the whole sentence. "This did not sound at all
like the 'State Visit' she'd been told about"
means that THIS state visit is not the innocuous one she'd been briefed
to expect. "This did not sound at all like
a 'State Visit' in the sense she'd heard them described" means that
she's been briefed on state visits in general
(not briefed on what to expect for this one specifically), and that THIS
one isn't fitting the description. You might
mean either, but to me the sentence as you have it confuses the two
meanings.
The wind of fate was blowing
coldly. Her voice of the past was speaking to her, telling her of the dire
changes in the making of this room.
Abrupt change of tone inside a paragraph. Again, I don't quite know how to read these two sentences. Suggest you dispense with the first
altogether. If "voice of the past" is to be taken literally, suggest you give us some of this voice's speech. If not, suggest you rewrite, something more like "A chill went down her spine as she realized,
with inexplicable intuition, that this room, at this time, was a crucial
nexus for future events."
[This is an allusion to Princess's Serenity's past memories "speaking" to her without words.]
That still seems a bit vague to me. (After all, there are fanfics where
Usagi holds literal conversations with her
Silver Millenium self inside her head. But this doesn't seem to be what
you mean.)
So how about: "Usagi shivered. Memories she could not quite grasp,
reflecting centuries of political experience,
asserted themselves. Suddenly Usagi was utterly convinced that this
meeting was one of crucial
importance to the future for all mankind."
sight of their purpose in defending our land. And they still resent that you
defeated us after the last, great war."
Let's see... in 2017, "our leadership" still resents the U.S. for
winning WWII... enough to capitulate to the Chinese instead? Which party does "our leadership" consist of?
In the Japan we know, rightists might still have some resentment for the U.S., but the same people would feel greater racist dislike of China and North Korea. Leftists might resent the U.S. as well, but for completely
different reasons.
For your story, the point is that I, one of your readers, am losing my
suspension of disbelief because of your politics.
[They aren't really liking the either side. I'm trying to portray that the PM's party/group is weakening to capitulating to the Warsaw members. This could have been avoided (possibly) by better United State's policy to Japan, but they are running scared. WWIII is on the Japanese doorstep and the US may be just stretched too far.]
"Better U.S. policy towards Japan"? In the real world, it's been pretty
darn good, aside from the occasional
flare-up over our Okinawan bases, occasional U.S. soldiers misbehaving,
etc.. You might want to have had
another of these occur quite recently in your story's timeframe, say
2016 or "last year", one that got a lot of
negative press in Japan: maybe an ultra-enhanced U.S. soldier going on
a rampage and killing and/or
raping a few people before being taken down?
Quickie background: The LDP, or Liberal Democratic Pary, has led most
governments in Japan since WWII.
The LDP is generally pro-U.S., but has lots of factions, some very
rightist. Most alternative parties
since WWII have been to the left of the LDP. Two alternatives: power
is held by a right-wing faction
of the LDP, which is gripped by a new "pan-Asiatic" fever, and believes
that Japan will in short order
come to lead the Warsaw group (they'd have to believe that China leads
it now, dominating Russia).
Or: power is held by a left-wing party, which took power in the wake of
anti-U.S. fever from the
incident I mentioned above. These people would be Neville
Chamberlains: nobody really wants
to bother the innocuous Japanese, so China/NK/Russia can be placated and
everybody will be
happy. You might even have your bad guys orchestrating an alliance of
convenience between two
such groups.
If the US may be "stretched too far", than the President and Senator are
going to have tough going
in persuading Congress to go along with letting Japan in. Not that this
couldn't be overcome, of course,
it's just tough. Many Congressmen don't like the U.S. making open-ended
defense commitments
overseas (others, of course, love it). I'm thinking in particular of
the resistance to expanding NATO
to include the Baltics, three small nations almost indefensible against
Russia, and which don't really
bring anything to NATO which NATO needs. Yes, offering to commit to
their defense is a noble
thing to do, but is it a sensible thing to do?
President Lee stood up and walked to the windows. "We can not force your
government in this matter. If they give 'up' those facilities, we will not
be able to directly intervene.
Why can't Lee just order the facilities bombed in these circumstance?
After a public warning that the U.S. will do so in such circumstances, of course.
[They're Japanese facilities, technically. They were "sold" to an ally for good will and under certain aggreements. Technically, Japan could do whatever they want to with them, but these things have the potential to extend a humans life to 250 years and grant minor super powers (tougher/faster, etc.) Only the super-rich countries can afford these, and only the *REALLY* rich can afford more than a few of them.]
There's a big difference here between crucial military secrets, which
you've stated are not involved,
and simply the loss of a big investment. You're right, ordering the
facilities' destruction is not on the
table under those circumstances, particularly if the Japanese, rather
than the U.S., paid for them.
This is one of the points of confusion that arise when you flip back and
forth between 2001 and 2017.
In 2001, as I understand your timeline, or perhaps some point earlier,
such facilities would be military
secrets of an extremely sensitive nature.
"Evacuated by the Ultra Service," Kasumi said, even as she checked her hand
gun with .50 caliber depleted uranium rounds. The Desert Eagle had become
the choice of weapons for body guards. "We need to get the emperor to the
safe room and then off the premises!"
...and the Ultra Service left the Emperor behind because...? And Kasumi
has a handgun because...? (And, if it's a disguise, why is she bothering to check it?)
[Kasumi is technically a "liason" to the Emperor in the government. She's actually part of the JSDF, but "visibly" works as an attache to Akihito. She's also the bodyguard for the Emperor and the PM (but the PM thinks she is "too American" so semi-exiled her to the Emperor. Super-heroes get to wear a lot of hats.]
Without thinking, Kasumi and Retribution had interposed themselves between
the gunmen and their emperor, bullets bouncing harmlessly off of them.
So why is Kasumi here in civvies again? Posing as a bodyguard? A bad
plan: if ANYTHING happens, the likelihood is that Kasumi will have to go into action sufficient to show who she is.
[She's there "publicly" as Kasumi Tendo, government liason to the emperor. According to all the information they had *nothing* was going to be happening.]
And why is a government liaison carrying, and checking, a Desert Eagle?
Otherwise, though, it seems to make sense now, after I reread Part I.
"Retribution, is it? Kill that woman for us!" said a bigger man as he held
up a pendant that glowed with ominous light.
You know, some background some time about "pendants that glow..." might
be useful. Having perused your timeline, I can fill in the blanks to some extent, but any readers coming to this cold are just going to be lost here.
[I would think that people would be catching that the "magic items" being used by badguys is in effect here, from the conversation between Red Hawk, Retribution and General Winston in the part at the begining." I must not be communicating that well.]
I think that conversation was in Part I. Still, wouldn't hurt to have
Kasumi's eyes widen
as she thinks "Magic!" to herself here.
"Rising Sun? But you are supposed to be hideous!"
Again, your readers have to fill in the blanks here. I suppose this is
a press hypothesis about why R.S. wears the full-mask helmet?
[Correct. It's from a different story from Howard Melton. This is a shared universe that I'm writing in.]
URL? I don't believe I've read that one.
Kasumi blew out her hastily sucked breath to knock over the assassins. Where
had the flames gone? She could have sworn she saw a flash of light, but now
Second time through, I find I'm wondering about Usagi's presence here.
If she's intervened this way at several previous such occasions, Kasumi may have noticed that her presence is a common factor and have arranged for her to be here. Or, Kasumi might know Usagi is Sailor Moon,
since Kasumi would know if anyone in the Japanese government did, and
(in canon) it would be easy enough for the government to find out if it cared to (and even easier for Kasumi to on her own).
But if there's anything to this, Kasumi shouldn't be quite so baffled
here. Which leaves it as a simple coincidence that Usagi is here. Too many coincidences will tend to annoy your readers;
suggest you make it clear that this is NOT a coincidence, even if Kasumi
knows nothing: Usagi's alternate personality has arranged things.
[Usagi being there is actually just a big coincidence. Superheroics (and the Sailormoon genre is *FULL* of coincidences.]
That doesn't mean YOU have to follow suit. But, okay; so how about, in
the next chapter, showing
Kasumi growing suspicious of Usagi?
nothing. Her resolve turned grim as she blurred into super speed and knocked
unconscious the remaining thugs. She took a breath or two to calm herself
down as she checked out the area. Luckily, the emperor was only stunned from
the whole affair. She was reaching down to help him back to his feet when
she heard a 'click'.
Reacting instantly, eyes glowing in preparation to blast anything with heat
vision, she turned right into the cameras just as they flashed.
WTF? How did the press get there THAT fast? Presumably a police cordon
held them outside the building until the all-clear was given? Ah... the press itself must be Ultra-Enhanced by this time! Not the best way to slip your readers that information, though.
[Nope. The assassins were planning on having the press show up right after the Emperor got waxed for maximum bad press. There is a reason behind my madness.]
Well, that's a good plan on the assassins' part, but I'd mention,
somewhere, Kasumi looking into
its execution. Something like that doesn't happen just because the
assassins want it to; it takes
arranging to get a lot of newsmen past a police cordon.
[***Oops. He used my non-quoting method there. This is a peice that just kind of cropped up. I'm trying to write (as best as I can) the very intense polical scene in the vien of the Cuban Missile Crisis and superhuman enhancements. It's being a little rocky, but I think this is a very interesting point of history that can be explored.***]
I don't think you've yet gotten to anything quite like the Cuban Missile
Crisis.
Wouldn't that be the (presumably forthcoming) attempt by the Warsaw Three to
threaten to destroy Japan if the U.S. accepts it? And President Lee
calls their bluff?
Or am I misunderstanding the similarity you're driving at?
{***I'm currently working on two (or three-ish) stories in parallel. It's just the way my brain is working on this. I'll write some tidbit in the future and it suddenly becomes something that I'll hit upon in the past in greater detail.***]
Your decision, but you do need to be aware that your FFML audience will
find it somewhat
confusing unless they're following it closely. In other words, you're
not going to be all that
successful in attracting a new audience.
But: you might want to put URLs for all previous chapters and stories
on each post, to
help possibly-interested readers get up to speed.
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