Sakaki sighed in the changing room as put her arms into the sleeves of

as *she* put, maybe?

Kagura, now... she seemed to be enjoying dressing like this to improve
morale. And Tomo... she seemed to suit the delinquent style perfectly,
and probably had since the day she was born. Right now she was buzzing
Yomi, pretending to be some tough guy from an anim�, but Yomi just tried
to ignore her as she changed into her cheerleading uniform.

I can see Tomo more as a cheerleader and Yomi more as a gakuran girl rather
than the reverse.

"Just a moment" Sakaki replied. She reached over to one of the clothes

moment,"

It was white with black text that said "RED RACCOON DOG." Ayamu had

Ayumu

spent hours trying to find out what tanuki was in English. Sakaki had
a sneaking suspicion it was just "TANUKI," but Tanizaki-sensei hadn't
had any problem with it and Sakaki didn't want to argue with that.

As an aside--most North American translation companies *do* actually
translate it as "racoon dog". I remember an episode of dubbed Inuyasha where
I was wincing every time they said it instead of tanuki.

"Alright, lets go. Yukari-sensei is probably wai..."

let's

"Right!" Tomo bounced up behind the two of them, throwing her arms up
into the air. "Who are we beating up first? Chiyo-chan?"

Ack!

"Not really..." Kagura slowly started to reply, until Sakaki spoke.
"We're not touching Chiyo-chan" she ordered.

I'd leave off the "she ordered" entirely. Either way, need punctuation
before closing quotes.

"It's your funeral" Kagura said.

funeral,"

Kagura - who had been noticing things lately - tried to imagine what
effect Sakaki beating up Kaorin would have, if Sakaki was actually
capable of that. It would probably break the poor girl's heart, brain
and legs, not necessarily in that order.

Heh

"And if it was Kurosawa-sensei" Sakaki added, "she would probably have

sensei,"

"Well then," Yomi rose up behind Tomo like a specter. "The teacher that
inspires Tomo must be Kimura" she said, bringing up the dreaded name of

Kimura,"

This notion earned a stunned silence and an alarmed "meep" from Tomo,
who then thought about it for a second and concluded "Actually, that
may not be so bad."

X_X;;

"I have an advantage over him. I'm actually allowed into the girls'
changing room, swimming lessons and so on. In fact, all I need for the
best peeping is a mirror" she declared proudly.

mirror," (though an exclamation point would probably be even better)

"She's never been serious in her life." Yomi replied, grimacing.

life,"

"BANZAI!" Yukari replied, before glaring at the other girls. "Whats

"What's

"Go up there and tie the banner back, okay? Having it flapping about
that makes us look like idiots."
Chiyo and Sakaki looked at each other, and silently agreed not to say a
thing.

*snrk*

A few minutes later all three girls were heading up the stairs. Kagura

later,

walked ahead, while Sakaki and Chiyo followed a few steps behind,
chatting about Nekoconeko. After a few flights of stairs they emerged

Extreme nitpick here: Pick a consonant and go with it when dealing with
NekoKoneko. It's either "NekoKoneko" or "NecoConeco". Don't mix and match,
it looks weird.

"That's it" Chiyo said, pointing to a banner where a tie that should

it,"

have connected to the fence had come loose. The two older girls walked
over and co-operated to tie it back, Kagura holding it in place while

Don't need this hyphen.

The girls watched as Kurosawa-sensei put a finger over her ear and
fired her starting pistol, signaling the start of the 1st year boys'

Spell out "first", please.

100m race. They had been previously watching the events from the

previously been

sidelines, but the view here was very different.

view *from* here

"It's like watching athletics on TV." Kagura noted. "HEY, GO FOR IT

TV,"

"It'll be ok." Sakaki replied. "We just need to show it we don't mean

okay,"

it any harm." She was sure it was friendly. Sakaki continued creeping
toward it, hand extended, until she came within touching distance of
it's face...

its

leaping for Sakaki, drawing back the wicked claws on it's hand for a

its

rolling again as it pounced - she scrambled to get out of it's way and

its

"I'm fine, Chiyo-chan" Sakaki replied, but she was severely spooked.

chan,"

"It killed her!" Kagura yelled. Chiyo squirmed at the "k" word.
"No." Sakaki replied. "She just disappeared, she might be alive."

"No,"

"Take another look at whats left!"

what's

closer she could see the red light more clearly. A heart. Not a
anatomically accurate one, but a stylized 'love heart' like those seen
on thousands of Valentines Day cards.

Oh God, I just figured out the crossover. XD

BTW, Valentine's.

Sakaki averted her eyes, but she couldn't turn away. A loud crash
beyond the school wall caught her attention, and she noticed a car had
smashed directly into a lamppost. There were more of the creatures on
the sidewalks outside the school, attacking pedestrians and kids who
had fled the school grounds. She heard a CRACK and turned to see a
policeman at the school gates, firing his pistol at one of the black
shapes menacing a group of girls. The bullets seemed to knock it back
without actually harming it, and he didn't notice a trio of creatures
creeping up from behind the wall until it was too late.

Ah, ah, nitpick here: Police in Japan usually are not armed with anything
more than batons, as Japan is VERY anti-firearm.

A bright light, shining in the sky. A star come to earth... or so it
seemed. The strands of smoke spiraled around it, inevitably drawn to
it's center, making the entire spectacle seem like a miniature galaxy.

its

"Its not a black hole." Chiyo said, shivering. "If it was, we'd be

"It's
hole,"

compressed into a time-space singularity by now."

Okay, even though Chiyo is a genius, I call bullshit on her knowing what a
"time-space singularity" is. Just because she's easily managing a senior
high school level courseload at the age of 12 doesn't mean she's a fucking
quantum physicist.

"But..." Kagura looked unsure, but then almost exploded "I don't want

exploded,

"She was a second year in the swim team, and she was good! But I guess
you wouldn't know about that, Miss Go-Home club! You wouldn't know
about Kei-kun the pitcher who was that boy you saw, or Izumi who I
played tennis against, all you're caring about is saving yourself!"

Ouch.

"It's okay." Sakaki told her. "We won't leave you behind." And with

okay,"

They crept downstairs. There weren't any of those creatures on the
stairs thankfully, and they took it slow to conserve energy. But soon

Recommended revision:

Thankfully, there weren't any of those creatures on the stairs,

Also, drop "But" from the beginning of the next sentence.

"The main stairs will be closest." Kagura said. "If we get down there,

closest,"

The two athletes leapt forward, tearing down the passage as fast as
they could, breaking every rule of corridor ettiquite they knew of.

Drop the last 'of'.

and knocking over one of it's friends too. Sakaki jumped though the gap

its

She backed away from the door, repeating "It's going to be all right"
to Chiyo and them bumped into something, which clattered to the ground

them-->then

Then the only bright thing in the room finally caught her eye. Someone
had been drawing on the chalkboard. A white cat's head sat in the
center - it's mouth was wide open and in it's throat there was a large

its (x2)

gold-rimmed keyhole. The chalklines seemed to glow faintly and Sakaki
felt herself drawn to it, if only because it was the only cute thing in
this room.

Yes! Defeat the Heartless with the power of cute!

Then the door Sakaki had entered though finally started to slide open
and one of the small creatures poked it's head though. Sakaki had to

its

admit, the way it looked around the corner and blinked it's little eyes

its

creature stuck it's head in the resulting hole and Sakaki found herself

its

Still the creatures on the ground kept advancing, and now the door at
the front of the class finally slid open admitting four more monsters

open,


Hmm. Very interesting concept. I look forward to seeing where you go with
this.

Work on your punctuation, though, please. Otherwise, I might have to rip you
a new keyhole.



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