[FFML] Re: [fanfic][SM] Sailor Moon 4200 - Chapter 11 (part 1 of 3)


Oh God, this is long. But, since C&C is supposedly welcome here, then by God you'll get some. Obsessive-Compulsive as I am, I've attempted to C&C this part in its entirety by means of my line-per-line type of C&C. Crazy as I am not, I'm only doing this detailed a critique for this part and this part alone. My judgment on the last two parts will be left in synopsis. Ikuzo.

Angus MacSpon wrote:


It's about time, huh?  :)


------------------------------------------------------------------------
SAILOR MOON 4200:  What has gone before
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crystal Tokyo was destroyed in the year 3478.  Civilisation fell; a dark
age began.  Now, the year 4200 is a time of renaissance, and the city of
Third Tokyo is defended by a new generation of Senshi.  Some of them are
old faces, reborn yet again.  Others are newcomers.  But all of them are
in trouble -- because the enemy that annihilated Crystal Tokyo was never
defeated.  And it is waiting for them ...


Cool. Most authors don't really bother writing these 'what has gone before' thingies. OTOH, most authors don't write literally novella-length fics. ;)

------------------------------------------------------------------------
In recent chapters:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
* The five Senshi are together at last, under the mentorship of Artemis,
his great-granddaughter Bendis,


I wonder if Artemis is still a cat, or if Bendis is Diana's daughter....

and Itsuko (once Hino Rei). *


I see an asterisk, but I don't see any footnotes in this part... <_< >_> (checks on the archives of part 2 and 3) Nothing there either. So is the asterisk a typo? A code? An in-joke? ?_?

Mistakenly

thinking that their friends are in danger, Venus, Mars and Uranus return
to the warehouse where they last fought Lady Blue.  There they encounter
an 'M' Division team on a secret mission, but are tricked into believing
that the team are


that the team is

actually from the criminal Sankaku Clans.  In a battle

between the groups, Sailor Mars' powers develop an unexpected new facet.
* Itsuko is startled to discover that Suzue is a member of the Church of
Serenity;


...which has nothing on the Church of Ranma and Kasumi.

later, she is further taken aback when Suzue refuses to accept

that her beliefs are wrong, insisting that it is Itsuko who is mistaken.
* Beth learns that her fantasy boyfriend, Eitoku, has really been dating
Nanako all along.  During a combined group training session, as the five
Senshi begin to come together as a team, she realises that she will have
to reevaluate her friends. * The 'S' Division team who are investigating
the Olympus discover Itsuko's true identity, and learn that the cat they
have been searching for, Bendis, is staying with her.


Ah. The asterisks divide the paragraph into several parts. I guess it works, though I did find it quite confusing. ^_^; I also notice a lot of unfamiliar names there... Kind of tricky to incorporate so many non-SM original characters into the mix, but I've heard and seen a lot of fics from you, Mr. Author. You've been around, so I'd expect a fic quite beyond the level I'm capable of. :) I'm looking forward to the long read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------


------------------------------------------------------------------------
     S   A   I   L   O   R       M   O   O   N       4   2   0   0
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            by Angus MacSpon
                           macspon@ihug.co.nz
       http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/sm4200/index.html
                    Comments and criticism welcome!


I'll take your word for it. Here you go... C&C.

"What!" he shouted, jumping up and looking around blearily.  "I didn't
do it!  It was --"  His eyes finally focussed on her.


focused

In the street below, 'S' Division were on the move.


'S' Division's just one 'team'/division, right? Meaning it's singular and not plural, ne? So it should be "'S' Division was" instead of "'S' Division were", I believe.

The command van, for so long parked in a back street behind the Olympus,
had withdrawn a block or two.  Its transformation from a dilapidated
wreck to a functional, if nondescript, vehicle had taken less than
thirty seconds: the rear wheels, apparently stolen long ago, slid down


I believe the colon can safely be substituted with a semicolon in this case. After all, the two connected clauses can be sentences on their own.

out of their concealed wells, and the missing side panels clipped back
on in a moment.  In the rear, Lieutenant Mitsukai simultaneously
coordinated the team's movements, monitored the swarm of cameras that
surrounded the Olympus building, and acted as communications liaison
with headquarters, reporting their findings and requesting immediate
backup.  In the front, Kitada acted as driver, while remaining ready to
move in to back up any of the others if required.


These unfamiliar names easily glaze by my eyes and escape my notice. So far, since I've started to C&C this in the middle of things (as I am wont to), these "new-named" people mean nothing to me. If this were to read as original fiction, new readers who have just hopped in and gave your lengthy fic a try (i.e., me) can easily get lost with all the 'faceless' unfamiliars in this chapter. An author _could_ make some effort in making his original characters/'reintroduced' characters (since, like Rei Hino/Itsuko, these people could be renamed senshi for all I know) I dunno, unique somehow. 

So that's basically my proposal. Put a little 'human interest' into the story if you hadn't already. Differentiate the many 'newcomers' in terms of quirks, motivations and personality, so they don't come off as cardboard character cannon fodder. Of course, since this is already the 11th chapter, you most probably have already developed the many characters, both the familiar and unfamiliar ones, in terms of character and motivations. Still, it doesn't hurt to show the 'developments' in the later chapters so well that even a first time reader who has stumbled into the middle of things won't get lost with all the names, ne? Just a suggestion.

He nodded politely to a middle-aged woman as she walked past him into
the building.  However, most of his attention was on the voice in his
ear.  "Captain Murasaki reports he'll be with you in four minutes,"
Mitsukai reported over the commlink.


Nitpick, suggest: comlink or com-link

He was exaggerating, though, and he knew it.  They wouldn't need to
surround the building; he was pretty sure he knew exactly where they'd
find their target.  His eyes strayed to a window on the top floor.


He's a good captain, though. Instead of taking chances, he'd rather take the "better safe than sorry" route. At least, that's my impression of him so far as I read this.

"Yes, sir," answered Mitsukai patiently.  "Another four minutes until
Murasaki arrives."

"All right.  We have to cover what we can.  Tell Kitada to move in.  If
the cat went upstairs, I want him covering the fire escapes at the back.
And listen, warn everyone: don't expect it to act like a cat.  It's as
smart as a human, maybe smarter ..."


Ah. A whole squadron full of 'faceless' soldiers with nets etc. to catch Artemis, of all people, unawares. Now I've seen (arguably, 'read') everything.

Itsuko pulled over to the side of the road, a few minutes later and
three kilometres away.  "All right," she said.  "What now?"


This is a _white_-haired Rei Hino now, eh? That's only a cosmetic change, but I've got the feeling that I may be reading a very different kind of Rei Hino personality wise soon enough.

"I want to go home," muttered Bendis from the rear seat.

"Oh, very good," said Artemis acidly.  "Any _constructive_ suggestions?"


This is new. Even the talking cat in the fanfic is asking for C&C. :P

"Oh, don't take on," said Itsuko quietly.


Er... "Don't take on"? What exactly does she mean by "Don't take on"? Don't take on what?

Bendis listened to them argue, and remained silent.  She was thinking
about another time when she had spoken aloud without thinking, to a man
who had given her a fish.  She thought about the Opals that had pursued
her and Artemis in the weeks which followed that moment of carelessness;
and she thought about the Opal in the warehouse yard, five days ago,
when Mars, Venus and Uranus had nearly been captured.  She thought about
it all; and then she thought about what Artemis would say if he heard
that she had spoken in front of the people in the van.  And she remained
silent.


Aw. Tsk. Great-granddaddy cat will be very upset with her if he ever found out. Okay from the "what happened before" and the detailed exposition I just read, it'd seem that a.) Itsuko and her two cats are being followed by many different organizations, one of them the main baddies, b.) Serenity has a church? ?_?, c.) Bendis may have blown their cover, so the new army-type threat is headed their way. 

Out of curiosity, just how old is Artemis here?

Also, in light of these 'new' (new to me, anyway) pieces of info, it has occurred to me that this fic is actually one of those noveau-SM fics that make use of more serious tones that are typical of most SM fics done by a male author, more often than not. Simply put, this is a 'pure' SM fic that abandons canon feel of preadolescent romance and comedy in favor for more grave and serious save-the-world-from-mystopia type of fics. Now I'm not against such fics, it's just that I've noticed that most SM fics follow this fanfiction trend, and more than several SM fics probably read a lot like yours. Fascinating, I say.

Down below, other agents were working their way through the building.
The lower floors and the basement levels were as secure as three -- now
five -- teams of 'S' Division Regulars could make them.  A cat that
could get through the cordon they had set up would have to be invisible.
And most of the customers had never noticed a thing.  Civilians!


The sentient narrative prose strikes again! The sentient narrative prose does not like civilians! Sentient narrative prose SMASH!

Hiiro's eyes flicked left, right.


Suggest: Hiiro's eyes flicked left to right (yeah, I know that 'style' is the excuse for the sentence construction, but I believe the revision flows better)

"Orders from headquarters," said Mitsukai's voice.  "Pull back."


Heh. That was amusingly convenient for Artemis and co.

"You have got to be kidding," he said.

At the sound of his voice, the other men in the corridor looked around.
One of Giniro's men rached up to touch the commset in his own ear.


One of Giniro's men reached up...

 Going against a Senshi would be too much like
... being the bad guy.


Interesting point, that. A good observation.

All the same ...


All the same...

They had been assuming that it was the cats who were being chased.  But
she had to face the possibility that, if too much more attention were


"if too much more attention" sounds weird. You have to choose: "too much attention" or "more attention"

('Serabi' ... what kind of name was that to inflict on a child?  She had
started to insist that everyone call her 'Sese' when she was only eight.
Even today, though, cartoonists sometimes drew her in a Sailor V mask
and miniskirt.


Heh. Very, very bad Japanese pun.

With a sigh, she lifted the top folder from her in-tray: the latest
draft of a new set of fishing quotas in the Osumi Strait.  Simple
enough, but somehow it had ballooned to over three hundred pages.


Almost like this fic, eh? :P

She lifted the remote with a sense of relief.  "Yes," she said
brusquely.


She had a sense of relief, but when she answered the phone she was again suddenly impatient? Eyng? ?_?

But gradually, in the months that had followed, she'd come to realise
that a different, hidden kind of politics was going on all around her.
There were things that the other councillors kept from her.


I'm not familiar with the European spelling if it is the Euro spelling (which is why I've been breezing through 'realise', 'kilometres', and the like), so correct me if I'm wrong--Isn't it supposed to be "councilors" instead of "councillors"?

Last week, for the first time, she had challenged the rest of the
Council.  It had seemed a trivial point -- 'S' Division agents being
assigned to hunt for a lost pet


Heh. But one has to admit, that supposedly trivial point was a very, very fishy and suspicious one.

They had _lied_ to her!

She turned away from the picture.  Had she thought that she had a
decision to make?  No.  They had made it for her.  The only question now
was how to respond.


Hmmm. Interesting characterization of unfamiliar character no. 2: The ol' realization of how real world politics work. Like a ideological teenager who has woken up to the grim realities of urban life, so does she awaken to the fact that she fails to see "underneath the underneath". Very nice... At the very least, the captain and Ms. Serabi's motivations and reactions are made clear, giving them clear footing in this chapter.

Later, after showing a pair of newsies into Sese's office, Sven closed
the door and waited for the interview to get under way.  He gave it a
few minutes, then pulled out a mobile commset and dialled a number from
memory.


Not sure about this word either, but suggest "dialed" as opposed to "dialled."

"Altair reporting," he said when a voice answered.  "She's realised that
something is wrong in the Council.  She wants to investigate what
they're up to."

"Well then," said the voice at the other end, "perhaps we should help
her out a little."


Tsk. Typical. Of course he's the one keeping watch over Sese for the sake of the "mysterious and secretive council"

"It's obviously _something_," Beth said impatiently.

"Well," Bendis said reluctantly, "I was just thinking.  Sometimes a
person might keep something secret with the best of intentions.  You
know?  Only, once you've started doing that, it ... can be awfully hard
to stop it again.  Without it seeming like a --"


Heh. Oh yeah. Nice way of segueing that part in the current debacle.

Then she remembered that she had other worries.  School was just ahead,
and she still didn't know what she was going to do when she met Nanako
and Eitoku.  And that was unfortunate, she realised with a sinking
feeling, because Nanako was waiting for her at the gate.


Is it just me or are you using the word 'realise' a bit too much? There are many other variations of the word you could make use of, after all... understood, comprehended, recognized, became conscious of or some such. Just a nitpick, but just don't overuse the word in the fic.

"Oh, come on!  You two've been together all along, and you deliberately
decided to hide it from me when I ... what was it?  When I started
'hanging around' ... but you didn't mean it to _be_ this way?"  Beth's
face was flushed and angry.  "Just how blind, how stupid do you think I
am?"

For a moment, Nanako's temper got the better of her.  "Blind enough,"
she heard herself say.

"What?  _What_ did you say?"


Warning: Rant ahead.

Strangely enough, this is reading like an original fic that incidentally has "Sailor Moon" elements in it. Just as strange, I believe it's a great read nonetheless, despite the fact. But to clear up any confusion, just how much "Sailor Moon" is left here in the fic and just how many 'original' elements are there?

Because, as it is, it occurs to me that beyond changing the "happy-happy joy-joy teenage love theme with a li'l bit of serious world-saving theme" of the canon source into the "post-silver millennium, political intrigue/dramatic novel theme" of your fic, you're basically just writing an original fic using SM as a mere backdrop with occasional canon character namedrops.

It's not to say that the content of fic is in any way lacking, it's just that, when I saw "Sailor Moon" on the title, I was expecting familiar ground. Sure, the "4200" leads me to doubt the validity of my expectations, but still... :P (sigh) Understand that, as a reader of anime fanfic, there is certainly more emphasis on the 'anime' than 'fanfic' in consideration to my preferences.

But... this is still a good story. The drama above? Though certainly unlike the light romantic fare of canon Sailor Moon, it is nice to read. The storyline, with its underlying seriousness and wonderful storyline, is good. It's just so different from Sailor Moon that it had me wondering why the name "Sailor Moon" was even introduced into the title. Perhaps to get more readers to read what is essentially an original fic? I dunno, but it seems to me like 'false advertising', if anything else. :P I mean, what's the point of making a fanfic of SM if it contains as little SM as possible, if you know what I mean. To be succinct about it, this fic should be published in FictionPress.net instead of Fanfiction.net, I believe.

Yet, despite being such a spoiled brat/fan who demands more senshi action and more than just references to the series, this reads quite well. The quality of the fic has nothing to do with the fact that I feel it's not quite 'SM' enough. The drama going on with Nanako and Beth? Incredible and priceless. Still, the spoiled brat/fan would find it preferable if one of the more canon characters were cast to do this scene instead of the two unknowns. As Joem hadranted in his silly, self-righteous rant in the latest ATFWH, " When you make a sequel you are basically advertising it as "more of the same but better". When you take a sequel that's so completely removed from the original it might as well be a different series, you're basically trying to trick fans of the original into watching something they may not have wanted to watch otherwise."

So is this bad or good? I'm not the judge of that. There are people, and a _lot_ of people... mostly males and non-shojo fans, to be sure... who love this fic as it is, with the occasional namedrop and SM backdrop. It's just my pet peeve to see this kind of not-only-an-alt-fic-but-basically-an-orig-fic-with-an-SM-tag-on-the-title-to-get-more-reader-attention fic. Still, don't misunderstand, it's very, very good. It's just not very SM, IMO. :) To your credit, that's surprisingly the only thing that bothers me about your story (because, from my experience, wannabe orig series with a popular anime/TV series tagged in its title generally suck)

"What's his favourite food?  C'mon, you must know that, you've watched
him eat it a couple of dozen times at least.  What's his best subject in
school?  What sports does he like?"

"He -- he likes --"

"You don't really know anything at all, do you?  You watch him, and all
you see are your own fantasies."

"Shut up!  Shut _up_!"


Hehehe. Like I said, this scene is excellent in portraying underlying drama. And remember what I said earlier about "these unfamiliar names that I could care less about"? Well, I take it back. Even if a reader were to stumble into your fic in the middle of things, he can easily catch up and get compelled to hunt for the earlier chapters... Your quality of writing is superb enough to keep even the most novice of readers interested. Congratulations on that regard.

Something seemed to crumple in Beth's expression.  "Why?" she asked
bitterly.  "Am I so stupid that I'm not worth considering?"

"No, Beth-chan.  It's got nothing to do with that."  Nanako took a deep
breath.  "Eitoku-kun would never consider you because you are a Claver."


A what-er?

"So you get him because you're Japanese," Beth whispered.  "That's ...
not fair."


So a Claver is... a new, post-Silver Millennium word for foreigner/American/Canadian/Dutch/European/French/etc.? 

....

Hey, that's racist!

"You were born in Japan, Beth-chan.  Maybe your parents were, too.  But
your ancestors came from Scotland."


Ah. That's what they _really_ call people from Scotland in real life and not just in the fic? 'Clavers'? ?_?

"What?"  For a moment, the hurt in Beth's eyes became confusion.  "No,
my great-grandparents were from Dunedin."

"Umm ..."  It was Nanako's turn to be confused.  "Whatever.  The point
is --"


They're getting awfully confused about the point because of all the nitpicking. I have a tendency to do that in my own C&C. ^^; Maybe I should get a clue and stop the nitpicking myself. :P Despite my trepidation for the SM-ness of this fic, rest assured that, as far as I know from what little I've read, this is a good read as a piece of literature per se. ^^

"None of us is laughing at you, Beth-chan," Nanako said.  "And you're
not unwanted.  I swear.  We're your friends.  I --"  She paused,
realising how that must sound.  "I know you may not believe that right
now," she continued after a moment.  "But I promise you --"


That's really hard to believe, with Nanako's seeming bigotry and racist remarks. I mean, why even bring up Beth-chan's ancestry if it's not really an issue? Why bring it up if they really are friends?

"If I could just make her see ... but she didn't want to see.  She got
really upset when I told her you don't think much of Clavers."


(nods) A person can only see what he wants to see, after all.

On the other hand, her Clavers comment... tsk, tsk.

"Oh, stop.  You could stand to open your eyes once in a while too, you
know."

He was silent for a little.  "I was never really sure why you picked her
up in the first place," he said at last.  "Or Iku-chan, for that
matter."


Ah. So he is prejudiced.

Nanako frowned.  "You don't approve of my friends?" she asked
dangerously.

"It's not that.  It's just ... everyone always kept well away from
Iku-chan.  And Beth-kun was a loner too.  But you ... you were one of
the most popular girls in the class, once, until you started letting
them hang around."


Hmmm. Though I'll probably be as guilty as Eitoku on being judgmental, he really is quite the asshole. If Beth got to know him, _really_ know him, then maybe she will forget his little infatuation. Love is blind.

"That's _why_ I let them hang around," Nanako said icily.  "_Because_
everyone always kept well away from them."

"I ..."  He trailed off, his eyes widening.  "Really?"


Extra space after the quotation mark, and extra space after the word 'I'. On the other hand, it may be a double space rule, but I thought that's only applicable to the end of sentences, not after ellipses, commas and some such.

"Yes."  Her voice was flat, emotionless.  Inside, she felt so angry that
she wanted to hit him.  "I might say the same thing about you, as well,
Shiomi Eitoku, though you were never quite as isolated as Iku-chan.
Now, are there any more personal confessions you want to hear, or is
this discussion at an end?"


Why does she want to associate with the unpopular loners anyway?

"Wait!" he shouted.  She heard him run after her, felt his hand on her
arm.  "Is that why you -- is that all I am to you, then?" he demanded.
"You felt sorry for me?  Is that all?"


Aw. Ain't that nice. The prejudiced asshole was able to able to turn the conversation around, making him look like the victim.

There was real fear in his voice; and at the sound of it, her anger
began to ebb.  She stopped, letting him catch up, while she tried to
puzzle out what answer to give him.


Her reaction, OTOH, seems to validate Eitoku's worst fears... She again feels sorry for him, that's why she has done what she's done.

She bent down to pick up her satchel.  As she straightened again, she
noticed a patch of white on his left forearm: a dressing of some kind.
"What have you been doing to yourself now?" she asked wearily.


Hmmm. Seems like there's a li'l bit of Shojo drama going on here after all. :)

Silently, she eased the door open.  The sound became clearer; and an
instant later, she recognised it.  The viddy was on.


What's a viddy?

It had definitely

not been going when she left the house.

Frowning thoughtfully, Helen stepped back inside.  Soundlessly, she
slipped her shoes off and started toward the living room.

A few steps short of the living room door, a floor-board creaked beneath


floorboard creaked beneath

The viddy was playing to an almost empty room.


A viddy's the shortened name for a 'video,' the futuristic equivalent of a TV?

Once she was outside, and the door safely closed, her smile widened.
"Silly cat," she repeated.


Hmmm. A seemingly extraneous scene if it were to be taken at face value. I bet it's a foreshadowing device, then.

                            ****************


Captain Hiiro opened the office door and walked in, uninvited.  Two men
looked up sharply as he entered.  One of them, seated behind a broad
wooden desk, was the owner of the office.  The other, who was standing,
made as if to protest at the interruption.  Hiiro ignored the protest,
took him by the arm, and propelled him gently out the door, closing it
behind him.  Then he turned to face the man at the desk.


Heh. Okay. I'm liking Captain Hiiro more and more as I read this.

"Very restrained of you.  Let me see, now ...  'Since the cat we were
searching for has unexpectedly turned out to be a Moon Cat, we are of
course halting the search.  'S' Division would never dream of
interfering with the Senshi or their allies.'"  Shiro laid the paper
back down with a scowl that matched Hiiro's.  "In a pig's eye.


So why exactly do they want to get to the Senshi? Why do their superiors don't want them to get to the Senshi? Is it a future plot point or a previously mentioned plot point in the earlier chapters?

"Something's not right here.  The search would never have been ordered
in the first place if someone didn't have a pretty clear idea of what
they were after.  And then there's this ..."  Another piece of paper.
"Sailor Mars was seen in a battle at a music store last Thursday, but
the eye-witness descriptions don't match Hino Rei ... or Pappadopoulos
Itsuko.  That may not mean anything, of course."


If it's mentioned at all in the narrative, then it's almost sure to be of significance. Foreshadowing and all that.

Major Kusanagi: On the other hand, it could all be an elaborate ruse to lead the reader to think in that direction.

Togusa: Now you're just stretching it.

Hiiro took the hint and left, not forgetting to send the new ADC in as
he went.  His mind was on other things, though.  Only moments before, he
had been thinking that the colonel was always straight.  But now ...

[Medical leave, right.  In a pig's eye.]


It seems that everybody's got something to hide in this fic. Everybody has skeletons in their closet. Multi-layered conspiracy goodness abounds.

He picked up a marker pen and coloured her hair in green.


Is this part taken from the Sailor Moon Live Action show where the normal versions of the Senshi are quite different from their Senshi forms? ?_?

The wall was lined with pictures, hundreds of them: a sea of women, all
of them tall and slender and dark-skinned.  Every one of them had long
hair, raggedly coloured-in green.


Sailor Pluto?

Lunch-time arrived.  Nanako, Eitoku and Iku sat in their usual spot for
the entire break, eating their lunches and talking quietly.  Iku even
unbent so much as to join in a few times.

Nanako was jumpy.  Every time anyone came near the group she started to
get up, a smile on her face and a welcome on the tip of her tongue --
only to sink down again, the greeting unsaid, when the face was that of
a stranger.

Beth never showed up.


Aaaaaawwwwww. I wonder why.

But there was that note on her test paper.  Most of the teachers didn't
bother any more.  The note said, "Disappointing, as always."  It annoyed
Dhiti.


Wow. It's a compliment and an insult all at the same time.

Miyo suppressed a grin.  "Now that, I don't envy you."  She glanced


"Now that, I don't envy you" sounds weird. It's like you couldn't decided whether the sentence should be "Now that, I don't envy about you" or "That's why I don't envy you" or some such, so you simply decided to combine both sentences together.

"There has to be a way I can use this," she muttered.

"Use what?" asked Miyo suspiciously.

"Oh.  Sorry, Hayashi.  Talking to myself."  Dhiti gave her a superior
smile.  "Sometimes I feel the need for intelligent conversation."


Heh. Cute. Still no correlation whatsoever to SM as far as I can see, but cute.

"So did you just hunt me up to insult me, or was there something else?"

"Oh, Hayashi.  Don't be silly.  Insulting you is what makes my life
worth living.  You know that."  She did the smile again; then, before
Miyo could start to take offence, she added, "Actually, I was thinking


I'm not sure again, but shouldn't "offence" suppose to be "offense"?

we could go downtown.  You know, hang out.  Eat junk food.  Window-shop.
That kind of stuff."

Miyo stared at her.  Then she reached out a hand to touch Dhiti's
forehead.  "You don't have a temperature.  Are you feeling well?"

"Well, I wouldn't want an ice-cream parlour to feel left out," Kin
mused.  "Lead on, kemo sabe!  You're paying, right?"


That came out of the blue. Personally, when I use random Japanese words in my fics, (if those _are_ Japanese words O_o), I make it the point to make their meaning known through context clues or through a handy-dandy (but understandably annoying to some readers) footnote at the end of the fic. In any case, though I can surmise "kemo sabe" as some sort of insult/nickname, I'm still curious as to what they mean. So what do they mean?

"Of course it is!"  Kin fell to her knees before Dhiti, and raised
shining eyes in adoration.  "Teach us, Master Dhiti!  Pour out your


Suggest: shining eyes of adoration

"Aha!  A touch, a touch, I do confess."  Dhiti raised an imaginary foil


A... "touch"? Does she mean, "touche"? You're not making up English terms, are you, fic?

"Kin!  Kin-chan!" came a voice from off to one side.  They looked about
to see Liam, waving a hand in the air.


Liam: Get your skinny arse her, you bitch! (beats up his other Gallagher brothers)

He started toward them at an

easy lope.


@_@ So many characters... None of them familiar at all. ~_~ I feel as if I'm being left out (more than usual, since I usually C&C in the middle of large fic series). The feeling I have is akin to that of a reader reading Sinfest's "You had to be there" comic strips.

"She's not mad about it _yet_," Miyo corrected her.  "You really think
she won't be watching us now, though?  Damn it, this ... no.  I won't
allow this.  I won't let it happen.  She is not going to become another
Naru."

"Another ..."  Dhiti frowned.  "Who's Naru?"

Miyo gave her a bleak look.  "Someone I used to know.  A long time ago."


Well, that was a rather effective and thankfully obvious context clue. :)

...Hmmm. Ms. Sailor Moon retains her memories of the past, yes?

"... Right."  Dhiti hummed tunelessly under her breath for a second.
"Okay, then, we're not going to let that happen.  Whatever it is.  So
what _are_ you planning to tell Kin-chan?  The truth?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Well, why not, anyway?  Okay, okay, you don't have to glare like that.
Sheesh, Hayashi.  So we'll think of a story to tell her, and she'll
probably pretend to believe it, and then everything'll be fine, except
that Kin-chan won't trust us any more.  _That_ certainly sounds good."


Wow. If someone was eavesdropping on the two, that person'll have no idea what the heck they're hiding. That's good. I suppose it's also common sense, but the funny thing about secret identities is that in most TV shows/novels/misc. media, they always had a tendency to hit the reader/viewer/listener in the head with the fact that their heroes are hiding secret identities. Case to point is that, in a lesser fic, the words "Senshi" and "Sailor Moon" would have been said multiple times in Dhiti and Miyo's conversation for no apparent reason. I always found the tendency strange. The viewer knows it, and the characters in the show/fic/whatever knows it. Why state it aloud?

"Oh, come on.  We don't have to tell her the truth, if you're so set
against it.  Say you met them at the Olympus, or something.  That's
almost true anyway.  Take everyone out for ice-cream or a movie.


Suggest: ice cream

The

chances are, Kin-chan won't think twice when she hears their names after
that."


Hell, even I didn't think twice about them after reading their names either until I figured everything later on. :)

While we're at it, do you have a character list of the new reincarnate identities of the senshi in your webpage? If you do, can you mention the URL in your footnotes? For the new readers' sake and all.

"Dunno."  Dhiti winked at her.  "I expect we'll find out soon enough.
Why don't you talk it over with Itsuko-san?  See what the wisdom of the
ages has to offer."


Ah, okay. So she _is_ cursed to remember everything. I wonder what kind of falling out did she and Naru have all those years 'ago'...

"Yeah, yeah.  Yock it up, Hayashi, enjoy it while it lasts.  All the


(shrugs) Suggest revising 'yock' with 'yuk'.

"Of course I will --"  Miyo stared at her, and began to smile.  "You're
actually concerned, aren't you?  You don't want Kin-chan to get hurt."


The princess has always been privy to these things.

"Right.  Silly me.  You'd never do something like ... say, breaking into
someone's house to steal her stuff and bring it to her."

"Never!  I mean -- well ... that's not fair, Hayashi."

"Mm.  I guess I'm not being very nice, am I?"

"Look, let's just change the subject, okay?"


Heh.

It had been just a few days before.  The night she broke into Miyo's
house; she had been asked to deliver a message.  She had promised to do
it -- promised the girl's own brother.

And she had lied.


Ah, another point of conflict. This is turning into a veritable Senshi-of-the-future Soap Opera.

"Uh -- 'All right'?  That's all?"

"Isn't that enough?"  Miyo gave her a bleak look.  "Unless there are any
more little messages you'd like to give me."

"... Right."  She had gone too far, Dhiti realised.  She tried to think
of a way to apologise, but all that came to mind was, "Sorry."  And even
Dhiti could see how hopelessly inadequate that was.

"Go home, Dhiti-chan."


The angst...!

"I -- yeah."  She hesitated for one moment more.  Then, defeated, she
turned to leave.  At the last moment something made her look back and
ask, "Will you meet him?"

Miyo looked up at her words, but her eyes were fixed on something far
away.  "How should I know?" she said.

Dhiti nodded shortly and headed for home.  Her math results no longer
bothered her at all.


Nice way of capping off a scene. Damn, I wish I had your ability to get into the characters' heads. The scene development and character development goes hand-in-hand, which is always good.

Hama Minoru was tall, dark-haired and lanky.  He had an easy, cheerful
grin and a face that people trusted.  He was popular in class.  He was
intelligent.  And none of these seemed to matter very much, when he was
with her.


Suggest dropping the comma after the word, "much". You don't need it.

He had known Suzue for three years now, at least as well as anyone knew
her.  They had started out as simple acquaintances, and slowly drifted
into something more.


'drifted' while technically correct in the context of the sentence, connotes way too much to 'drifted away' (a popular and very cliched term), so I suggest you make use of another word other than 'drifted.'

The two of them had been going out regularly since then.  They were
playing it very casual; they did not call it 'dating,' they did not talk
about love, and they had not kissed yet.  But she did not object when,

>from time to time, he took her hand.

Well, ain't that typically shojo. You're proving me wrong in my previous comments as this fic progresses. :)

"I had Ashida-san this time, and she's a lot better than my last
instructor," Suzue went on.

One thing was certain: he could never find her boring.  In some ways, he
occasionally thought, she was like an onion.  However much he learned
about her, there was always another layer below, some deeper level that
she kept hidden.


She's almost like this fic in terms of multi-layered complexity, even. :)

Her religion was one of the outer layers, or the way

she made her own clothes.  But who would have guessed that, beneath
that, she was a passionate bridge player?  And that was nothing to his
surprise when he'd learned how she spent her Saturday afternoons.


The last sentence reads wrong. Suggest revision. I'm guessing the "And that was nothing to his surprise" part is the sore thumb that has made that sentence stick out from the flow of prose.

"Well, the airline transport license is a little further down the road,"
she said dryly.  Then: "Why is it hard to believe?"


Suggest: Then, she curiously asked, "Why is it hard to believe?"

He grinned in reply.  "Sounds like fun," he said.  "It's a date."

He realised, a moment too late, what he had said, and nearly bit his
tongue; but she merely raised an eyebrow, then nodded.


LOL. Aaaawwwww. :)

"What?"  Suzue looked at him, confused, before realising he was joking
and looking away again.  "Don't be silly."  He suppressed a grin.  Suzue
was one of those unfortunate people who simply had no sense of humour.


Sugeee. (taking notes) It's the subtle things that make up the show, not tell... ne, author-san?

"It's okay," he said.  The only answer he could give, of course.
Inwardly, he started to wonder.  Suzue did not make friends easily.


It was one of those moments of great need, apparently. I wonder which Senshi Suzue-san is...

He thought about talking to Shoda Keiko about it.  She and Suzue were
best friends, and Keiko would know what was going on if anybody did.
If not, he could always try keeping a surreptitious eye on Suzue next
weekend, to see if she --

At that point, he realised what he was planning.

He shook his head in disgust.  What was the _matter_ with him?  Had he
actually been planning to spy on his girlfriend?


(shakes head) Well, Suzue-san's lucky to have chanced upon joy boy as a boyfriend. There isn't a dishonest bone in his wholesome, Disneyfied body, apparently.

He started for home, shaking his head in disgust.  If Suzue didn't want
to talk about something, well, she had the right.  The least he would do
was trust her!

After all, it would be a hell of a world if people couldn't trust each
other.


Hehehehe. You're really good at capping scenes off. Nice touch.

"Okay, okay," he replied, waving his free hand placatingly.  "No fights.


Placatingly isn't a word. I know this suggestion sucks, but suggest: in a placating manner. Or just replace placatingly with a word that _is_ actually an adverb.

Heaven forfend.


It's "Heaven forefend", I think. MS Word seems to think so.

"You know how Dhiti-kun is, though," Liam pointed out.  "She and her
schemes and make-believes."

Kin grimaced.  "I suppose so," she said.  "But today ... I saw
Miyo-chan's face.  It wasn't just playing today."


That's the tough thing with Serena in any reincarnation... She always, always wears her heart in her sleeve. She couldn't hide her emotions for the life of her.

Kin blinked.  "Everyone tries to bribe me with ice cream," she said
plaintively.  "You're all trying to make me fat."  After a moment,
though, she gave him a twisted grin.  "All right, buster, let's go.
You'd just better have a full wallet, though."


She complains, then does it anyway. Good way of humanizing your characters, fic. ;)

Then, somehow, they were together; and their first kiss was everything
that a first kiss should be.


It's like shojo, but more on the likes of "Marmalade Boy" shojo than the wafer-thin, shallow and trite popcorn fest that is "Kanon".

At first, still sunk in a pleasant daze, he did not quite realise what
had happened.  He automatically reached for her to draw her in again.

She slapped his hands away.  He stared at her.

"Why don't you just go join the Loonies?" she demanded.  "They've
probably got a place for people like you."

"What?" he said, stupefied.  "What?"


Eyng? ?_? So much for lighthearted romance!

"I'm not some puppet for you to play with, you know."  She stood up
sharply, staring down at him for a second.  There was a curious mixture
of anger and regret in her eyes.  "Isn't it time you grew up a little?"
she said softly.  Then she turned and walked away.

O_o

Later that evening he called Mark, and the two of them spoke for some
time.  Something was obviously bothering Kin; and the most obvious
explanation was that it was something to do with Miyo and Dhiti, and the
secret Kin claimed they had.  It took little encouragement for Mark to
agree to talk to Dhiti the next day.  Whatever was going on, they would
get to the bottom of it.


Uh-oh. More people are involved in the... situation. Who'd have thunk it? There's actually conflict to be found people trying to find out the great secret of the senshi!

C&C Synopsis of Part Two: Hmmm. Apparently Miyo isn't Serenity. (shrug) Though it is tough to read a fic in the middle of things, this is the chapter that I came upon with, and knowing its length, it'll be a long time before I read up on the previous chapters. E-heh. :P The main topic being discussed in this part is "Why do people have to be so complicated?" I daresay the answer to that is because it makes for better reader. :) Usually it's one thing or the other in fics... a multi-layered plot with flat characters or a lack of a plot amidst very interesting and very complex characters. You actually have both in this story of yours! ^_^ I'm amazed how plot and character dance in perfect harmony in this fic, so there's little wonder why it had to be as long as it is.

More amazing is how the original, non-reincarnated characters stand in equal footing with the reincarnated characters in terms of motivations and personalities. Character motivations, character interactions and the underlying main plot points were discussed in deliberate detail, but not in a way that would make the pacing drag and the prose meander. You knew what you wanted to do and laid things out in a nigh-perfect design. The way the elements meshed together is truly exquisite. By themselves, the plot 'ingredients' were already high-quality, which is why it's such a delight to see them all combined as one in perfect harmony... It was sheer, delectable poetry. It's a pleasure, nay a privilege to be able to give feedback to an author who's obviously my superior in writing skill and technique. 

C&C Synopsis of Part Three: More surprises in store for me, a newbie reader of your fic... Iku is _not_ the reincarnation of Rei Hino/Itsuko, but is instead a replacement Mars. I didn't realize that _that_ can be done Post Crystal Tokyo. The fight scenes were superb. It lent itself to a little bit of suspense and bullet-fast pacing. The monster of the week, as per usual in this kind of fic, was a scarier and tougher than what the anime SM could come up with. The stole lives, not just dreams. Oh, and a little correction in this paragraph:

Mercury and Mars nodded.  Uranus took a deep breath, glanced about
quickly, and set off.  The other two fell in just behind her.  She did
not try to repeat Venus' jump to the balcony; there was a upward walkway
nearby and she aimed for it without hesitation.


The part about "Venus' jump" should instead be "Venus's jump", because 'Venus' is not a plural word. Even with the 's' letter ending, the apostrophe-no-'s' rule applies only to plural words that end with 's'.

Okay, so the whole conspiracy thing with the vitromacallit was handled quite well. And so was the "Naru" situation. ^^; It gave me a chuckle or two, and it did good in brightening up the seriousness of the fic after such a difficult and epic battle without being awkward or out of place. *coughayashinoceresanimecough*. It's a well-placed comedy/happy ending piece, though such along fic (arguably worth several _normal-sized_ chapters) wasn't through yet, oh no. This is a very detailed fic. Heck, even Artemis gets a little dramatic snippet/dream sequence of his own. Everybody gets a change to get rec'nized in this fic. Still, the scene with the _real_ Usagi is still a classic:

The girl watched the phantom for a moment longer, her face absorbed,
almost as if she were listening to it.  Then she said, "So let me get
this straight.  You're the ghost of the old dead queen, and I'm the
reborn soul of your daughter ... and now you want me to go into the old
family business.  Is that it?"

LOL. Usagi-ness shines through. Classic. Wonder what she's up to with all the scuffling? In any case, lots of proverbial 'shit' happens. Itsuko "Rei Hino" Poppolocrois finally gets arrested by Captain Hiiro Yuy, and the ensuing chaos and surprises just keeps piling and piling and piling... and did I mention the suspense? Had it been opposite day, the pacing would have been comatose. Setsuna freakin' Meiou's finally made an appearance herself. Wow. Like I said earlier, you have such great instinct at capping off scenes and chapters.

All in all? This was a roller coaster ride, for sure. Ups, downs, loop-to-loops... I didn't exactly know where this one was going, but when I finally got to the destination, it had me longing for more of the ride. This fic certainly delivers, but what else could I expect from someone who's obviously a mainstay in fanfics? The plot points were myriad and interesting, and the same could be said of the unfamiliar-but-can-hold-their-own-on-with-the-more-established-characters characters. My earliest impressions of the fic was that of an originalish fic that uses the SM label to get more readers to read it. But after reading it as a whole I have to revise my statement a bit. This is, I believe, how a fanfic should be done. Nothing is trite or hackneyed about this fic at all. Everything reads fresh, the prose and narrative is superior anything I can come up with, so obviously I can't comment all that much about it, and even though it certainly reads very differently from the canon source, it's this uniqueness that sets it apart makes it very effective. Another quote from Joem: "Many times people don't like change, even if it's for the better." The 'change' you made for this fic? It was for the better, people be damned.

Simply put... wow. That's about it. What a novella for a chapter. :) Please, please, please do keep on writing. I'll be looking forward to more of your work. Abdiel out.

_______________________________________
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