Well, this was unexpected. Guess it's time to exercise those rusty C&C
muscles a little.
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
The Wards of Hinata
A Love Hina-inspired fairy tale
Disclaimer: Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu, Kodansha Comics,
Shounen Magazine Comics, TV Tokyo and Pioneer Entertainment. As
always, their paints, my easel.
But what about the...
Exclusive: The brush is mine too. Surprised, Mr. Nowack?
...CURSES. FOILED AGAIN!
------------------------------------------
Hinata was a land of greens and pinks; leaves and cherry petals. The
land was seldom seen without being well adorned in its proper colors.
Should be well-adorned, I think.
And when she was gone, Shinobu and the
other girls at the inn would take care of it, their attention
strengthening the wards that allowed Hinata to retain the magic that
fueled it, and kept it cloaked in its pinks and greens.
The comma after "fueled it" is unneccesary.
Still frowning, Mitsune set her fists on her hips and glared sternly
at the opening before her. "No, Oni, I do not wish to speak with you,
for you are wily, and I trust you little."
"Also, your palace stinks."
Suu knew it was a dream. She stood before an oni's palace, though it
was twice as large as when Mitsune had seen it, and the oni carvings
on the gate appeared on the outside.
It was also twice as stinky.
This time, the oni's palace towered to the very heights of heaven
itself, walls of jade, and gold, encrusted with precious gems the size
of her fists. The gates of the palace gleamed with figures of dancing
oni that appeared to move in the corners of her eyes.
But it did not stink at all.
This time the voice that replied to her was deep and booming, seeming
to reverberate the towering gates of the palace open, and revealing
the great blackness that lay beyond. "Enter, young witch, that we may
discuss the terms of the bargain more closely," the oni's voice bade.
Come into my lair, said the spider to the fly?
"Never in a million years," Naru said, shaking her head quickly. "I
wouldn't sacrifice Seta for anything!"
"Oh, no," the oni said, shaking his head ruefully. "I meant Keitaro,
young witch. He is the last."
"Oh," Naru said, understanding dawning on her. "Well, I couldn't
sacrifice him, either."
Heh.
"No," the oni said, shaking his head. "I swear upon the honor of my
name and my father's name. I will make no move to harm him while he
is weakened. And in exchange ... I give you a mirror."
I notice no mention of the oni's brethern.
After a time, Shinobu found a river of fire, fire far too hot for her
to try and swim through, and too wide for her to try and jump.
I think this would work better as "of fire, far too hot..."
Also, the comma after through is unneeded.
Looking up and down revealed a bridge to her some way to her right.
Drop the "to her" after bridge. Or move it to after revealed, and
change the second to "to the right."
They stopped dancing when the saw her, all dressed as the
bridge-guardian (only, without her shoes).
"when they saw"
In the distance, she could see a great palace, gleaming in the
non-sun light of the oni land.
Should be "non-sunlight" perhaps?
...I don't know. I just ... don't ... know. I suspect that about a
year of ignoring fanfiction does this to me. Hmm. I'd better write
more often.
Well, it is certainly good to see something from you. As always, it was
a pleasure to read. I hope you do write more often, for just that
reason. ;)