Oi, oi, oi... with the amount of disclaimers in my
C&Cs, I didn't think I'd need another one... :P
It has recently come to my attention that some...
hell, quite a bit... of the information contained in
my C&Cs are mistaken or simply wrong, and there are
times when I just don't get my facts straight. This
usually occurs because I only C&C one chapter at a
time, and I grab/reserve the first fic that comes to
my inbox so I usually end up C&Cing in the middle of a
series (shrug). I also C&C as I read, so what I said
at one point can easily be retracted on the next,
depending on how the story progresses.
I make no apologies for that, simply because the only
time I can sample works (or even read works I wouldn't
usually read) is through C&Cing random fics. As for
the facts, we-ll, as much as possible I try to get
them straight, but there are times when fandom, canon,
and sleeplessness mix. :P In that case, I do
apologize. In other cases, it's not a matter of fact
but a matter of opinion anyway.
In any case, in C&Cing, I reserve the right to be
totally wrong, and to misquote facts and to make
errors in judgment. I don't claim to be the authority
on fanfiction writing... Hell, I see C&Cing as a
learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on
my corrections? I'll thank you for it. (Thank you,
Hans. Thank you, Therm. Thank you, Blade and
Epsilon.)Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. ^_^
So my next victim iiiis.... :P
__________________________________
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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: c7c29.txt
-- Desc: 2807222631-c7c29.txt
Hello, Mr. Ace. Here's some C&C. Take it with a grain of salt, etc. etc..
On 4/22/05, Ace <aceatheist@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
Disclaimer: All characters and settings used without permission. Same
goes for all the following chapters. Now that I've finished incriminating
myself...
(ahem) Like many of the fics in the FFML, (despite all the repeated warnings and long threads addressing this very subject, strangely enough), this fic makes use of special characters that doesn't translate well in other systems. As such, might I suggest fixing that by the myriad of suggestions already presented in the FFML? The good news is that the fic is smart quotes free, which is always a good thing. Right. In any case, here's some C&C. Take it with a grain of salt, these all in my opinion, blah, blah, blah...
Warning: The events of these first three chapters are so derivative, its scary.
Revise: "its scary" into "it's scary."
Prologue � Of Cowards & Oversized Spatulas
A pair of six year olds sat in companionable silence, or rather as close
to companionable silence two six year olds hungrily munching okonomiyaki
You're missing the word 'as' in between the words, 'silence' and 'two'
can get, while their oh-so venerable fathers discussed a business
transaction �or sans cynicism� a family matter of great import.
('rapping) ~It's the return of the, 'oh, wait, you're kidding me... yet another sentient narrative prose to make me gauge my eyes like I was watching 'Gigli'?~
Wait, that was horrible. Sorry. In any case, I'm hoping that the sentience of your narrative prose is used in moderation. It _is_ okay to pepper your prose with a little bit of author insight, especially if adds a bit of humor to the story. Just don't overdo it.
Oh, and after reading the first few lines, I finally figured it out... Yet another take on the Ranma-Ukyo-Yattai love triangle, eh?
"So your Ukyo wants to marry my Ranma?" asked one of the men. He wore a
white bandanna and spectacles. Heavily built, he was possessed of a
Suggest: Heavily built, he possessed a
Oh, and kudos on a so-far well-written fic. Let's see if the contents are as high-quality as the grammar and composition of the fic.
Tendo, his training partner of two decades and he
trusted one another implicitly.
"Tendo, his training partner of two decades and he trusted one another implicitly" sounds wrong when read aloud. Try it. The awkwardness must come from the, "and he trusted one another implicitly" part of the sentence. I of course again suggest that you revise it to be more readable.
"But aren't promises made to be broken?"
That's a double entendre if I ever saw one.
o-o-o
Genma Saotome was by no means an unfairly harsh man.
(facefault)
He only wanted what
was best for his boy.
...Okay, I guess that makes sense. He's simply too idiotic despite his good intentions. But of course, this is Genma's POV of the narrative, so it's a bit jaundiced.
So, after presenting his son with a steaming pork
okonomiyaki (Ranma's favourite), he asked Ranma whether he preferred the
tasty dish on which he was happily chomping, or his little friend Ukyo.
"Uhh," began the boy with some indecision before taking another bite,
"okonomiyaki!" he cried, with certainty. Genma nodded. He would respect
his son's decision.
o-o-o
Ranma was soooo decisive when he was younger. Whatever happened since then?
"Come on, boy!" muttered Genma anxiously.
"Where we goin'?" asked Ranma as his father's muscular arms placed him on
top of the yatai. Surreptitiously glancing about around, taking hold of
the cart's handles, Genma answered,
Y'know, I feel silly criticizing your type of prose since I write in a very similar manner (_that's_ the reason why I congratulated you on how good your prose was earlier), but I'm not just presenting one-sided opinions. I regularly present 'on the other hand' opinions in my C&C, so that I'm not just littering it with my biased and jaundiced point of view... well, as much as possible, anyway. (ahem) I realize that your style of prose naturally flows in a way that I would use. Your wordplay (as mine) sounds a little too... formal. It reads like an academic paper. In so saying, there are people who feel like they're reading a technical report or a conference journal when they read your fic. It doesn't feel like, to them, they're being told a story. It feels like they're being taught a class. Think of it this way: would you expect "surreptitiously glancing around" to come from the mouth of a friend or a prof? So basically I'm just letting you know the perceived con some people might have when reading this style of prose... It doesn't read like you're telling a story. It's up to you if you prefer a more conversational style for the sake of the reader or the style that flows naturally from you.
It stuck in his throat as he beheld Ukyo's father in full
battle garb.
I suppose this is point of interest no. 1, then.
As imposing a figure he made in an adult version of little
Ukyo's outfit, it wasn't he that made Genma balk. Rather, it was the half
dozen similarly dressed muscular men,
Heh. Well, there's the plot twist. I still have no idea where you're going with this fic, but the plot twist is undeniably there. Is it a good one? Plot twists can only be judged by the consequences that arise from them, I personally believe. That said, let's read on.
who stoodat
stood at
either side of the
okonomiyaki chef that concerned him. Sweat rolling down his brow, Genma
laughed nervously, "Kuonji! Say, what brings you here?" He eyed the
oversized cooking tool as the chef pulled it from it wedged position in
from its wedged position in
the ground.
"Trying to renege on our deal, Saotome?" Kuonji growled accusingly. "I'll
'Renege'? Wow. Now there's a thesaurus word you don't see everyday. 'Renege' is to simply go back on something. What's wrong with Mr. Kuonji simply saying, "Trying to go back on our deal, Saotome?" This is dialogue for the character, not narrative prose. No need to bombard the reader with out of place thesaurus words when their not called for. Besides, Mr. Kuonji runs an okonomiyaki stand, and is not a scholarly type to throws in a thesaurus word in a conversation from time to time to show off.
(says me who keeps on using words like 'flummoxed', 'jettisoned', and 'elucidated' so many times that I actually don't have to look at a dictionary to remember what they mean and how they're spelled... but still, I believe the whole 'prose debacle' is a matter of preference, opinion, and the kind of readers you would want for your fic)
"Alright, Saotome. You've accepted the dowry, so I expect you to take
good care of my daughter." Genma nodded enthusiastically, and readied
the yatai cheerily saying,
Heh. Well this is certainly an Ukyo fanboy's dream-come-true that's not so contrived.
"Right you are, Kuonji. Well, we'll be going," he was cut off as the chef
flicked his wrist and levelled his weapon at his jugular. Genma paled.
Revise: "levelled" to "leveled"
That combat spatula was sharp!
I've said it before, but it bears repeating. I have seen at least five fics that makes use of the exclamation point to surprise the reader with a revelation. Strangely enough, unlike with the other fics, it works here. Kudos.
"However," Genma's eye twitched as Kuonji gestured towards his heavily built
companions with the spatula, which was still very close to his throat,
"the Kuonji's have family all over Japan. In fact, you'll rarely find a
town the entire Orient without one practitioner of Martial Arts Okonomiyaki.
Awwww. So is Mr. Kuonji honestly suggesting that not one okonomiyaki stand owner in Japan is ignorant of the Okonomiyaki Martial Arts? I don't think there are numerous enough Okonomiyaki chefs in Japan to do what Mr. Kuonji is suggesting unless all of them are practicing 'Martial Arts Okonomiyaki' (God, is that name cheesy). Not one Okonomiyaki chef is safe? Hey, whaddyaknow... every last okonomiyaki chef in Japan is a martial artist! Don't you people dare skip the bill on these guys, or they'll kick your ass! It's a veritable okonomiyaki chef union. Reminds me of the anime Cooking Master Boy for some reason....
Also, the "entire Orient" thing was obviously said to prevent Genma from doing the obvious... ditching Ukyo just as he and Ranma goes to China to train. W-ell... this reads to me as very contrived, even if Kuonji's bluffing (because Genma will probably try to call his bluff and if Genma succeeds in abandoning Ukyo, then no fic premise). It sounds forced, artificial and something that the author has pulled from the air so that the Ranma-Ukyo thing will work.
On the other hand, it's not as contrived as "I'm going to send my son and my husband to a training trip, and when they come back and my son isn't a man, I'll honorably kill them" or "Martial Arts Tea Ceremony." As long as this admittedly contrived bluff, er, plot point is used for hilarity's purpose, then I guess it's all good. IMO, the general rule of Takahashi humor is that if it's unbelievably absurd enough, then it's funny. So my suggestion to you is to make use of this opportunity for humor as a way to suspend disbelief.
Should you feel the need to 'speed train' my daughter again, I'm sure
you'll always find a member of my extended family will be nearby to help
supervise." Genma's eyes widened from a moment, but then his shoulders
drooped.
"Of course," he grumbled, "that's very helpful of you Kuonji." With a
resigned sigh, he began moving the cart at a more sedate pace, as Ukyo
waved backed to her family, and was soon joined in by Ranma.
I find it hard to believe that Genma, master of the bluff, would buy such a steaming pile of bullshit from Kuonji. It doesn't matter that, contrived as it is, it's true! Genma's stupid/skeptical enough to try to leave Ukyo at least once, if not several times despite the Kuonji family's warning... because that's the way an IC Genma would react to such peril. Don't worry, the fact won't compromise whatever you're trying to set up in this fic of yours... I mean, Genma can always fail in his every attempt at leaving Ukyo behind and, as a consequence, get beaten up by the extended members of the Kuonji family.
"Well, y'know that time I made my Dad's secret okonomiyaki sauce?" Ranma
sweatdropped. "And you said that if it was good you'd promise to take
care of me forever and ever?" Ranma acknowledged this with a high-pitched
chuckle that carried the signature 'Saotome-Guilty Conscience" nervousness.
"Well, 'fianc�s' means that you promise to take care of me forever even if
I've mentioned that your fic has formatting problems in regards to special characters, and here is one of those supposed 'special characters'... the '�' in 'fianc�s.'
the sauce is bad!" She smiled. Ranma exhaled.
Yeah, well, that sounds about right. Kid's POV and all that.
"Oh, well that's okay!" declared Ranma with relief. Ukyo yelped
with all the unrestrained glee of a six-year old.
"You, you mean it Ranchan? Really?"
Cockily, he replied,
"Sure, Ucchan! I'll take care of you. You're the swellest guy I know."
He paused for a moment, "and it don't matter how that sauce turns out!"
"But I'm sure it'll turn out great!" beamed back Ukyo.
"Eh-heh..." Ranma bigsweated.
Personally, using "facefaulted", "bigsweated", "sweatdropped", "large popping vein", "eyebrow twitching really hard", "nosebleed" or any other anime convention isn't really a problem, and that some people should lighten up about it. Suspend your disbelief? Ha. You're reading/writing fanfics about Japanese cartoons and you want me to make it 'realistic' and 'not weird'? Hell, you're reading fanfics period! Does it really make any sense for a person to make a fanfic based on manga/anime as realistic as possible? What's wrong with you people?
...On the other hand, if you want to cater to the lowest common denominator, then here's a word of advice from the 'other' side, from a certain Katsu no Miko:
"Here's a big point. Anime is visual in nature. Some of what goes on in it definitely does not translate over well to writing. Unless you're working on bad slapstick, people don't "sweatdrop," "chibify," "super deform," or "facevault." There's no such thing as "hammerspace," and "hentainess," "kawaiiness," and "bishounen-ness" are not valid words, let alone valid adjectives. Attempting to write your story like it's a play by play from an actual anime episode is very disturbing to readers."
o-o-o
"Where are you _going_?" hissed Ranma. Uyko frowned at Ranma. What was his
problem? They'd gone to the baths lots of time together, but now she felt
old enough to go over to the women's side alone instead of the men's side
with Pops and Ranchan. "You're going to the girls' side!" he muttered
through cupped hands.
IMO, you're missing a sentient narrative, "...Wait, why was she going to the girls' side of the public bath?" that should be interjected before Ranma's whispered exclamation of, "You're going to the girls' side!"
"Well, of course, Ranchan. I am a girl after all."
"Nani!?"
My god, it's getting to be that _I_ could have written this little piece. ^-^; I, and others in the FFML that I'm not going to name, also have a tendency to use random Japanese words in my/our fics. As such, the usual critique I get is that I shouldn't overuse it, and that gratuitous (read: needless) Japanese tends to bog the fic down because, hey, it's written in one language for one audience: English-speaking otaku. Even though most English-speaking otaku do know these pretty basic Japanese words (by the virtue of sheer geekiness), I've been told that most people find the practice unnecessary. Quoting Katsu yet again:
"Okay, time for my pet peeve. Let's talk foreign language in stories. In anime fandom, lots of people like dropping what's called "fanboy Japanese" into their stories, I guess under the assumption that a few Japanese words makes it sound better. Wrong. First of all, most people that do this don't have a working understanding of the language, and use the words in ways that make people that do know wince. My favorite example of this is "koi." To people who have no Japanese knowledge beyond the fanboy level, it's a cute little shortening of the word "koibito," which means "beloved." To anyone that has more than a passing relationship with Japanese, it means a lot more: "carp," "slow in the head," and the rude form of "to come" spring to mind. Not a very flattering thing to be calling your loved one, eh? Second, it's silly. Anime is in Japanese because that's what the audience that originally watched it spoke. It is silly to assume that if the characters were real, they would speak Japanese. Gundam Wing is a prime example -- the only person out of the entire cast that has any right to be dropping Japanese phrases into their speech is Heero. Duo is American, so if anything, he should speak English, complete with slang. Wufei is Chinese. Neither of them have any reason to speak Japanese. Including foreign language into a story throws the readers off and destroys the flow of sentences. It may make you feel smart or cool as the author, but enough is enough. Please, I don't want to EVER read an anime character saying: "Ramen de hashi o tabemasu!" [I ate my chopsticks using the ramen.] Thank you."
"Pops, you got sum s'plainin' to do!" Genma glanced up at the indignant
eight-year old, from his relaxed position in the public bath. "What did
you do to Ucchan?" he demanded. "How d'ya make him think he was a girl?"
LOL. Okay, now here's some classic Takahashi misunderstandings coming into the fray.
The master of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes Martial Arts stared at
his son dubiously.
As an aside, see how much better than sentence reads as is instead of going for the "Genma's eyes widened like saucers as he looked at his son" or "Genma sweatdropped at Ranma". Yes, I know I'm guilty of the sweatdrop thing, but at the very least I only mostly use it now in spamfics and I nowadays resist the temptation to use it most of the time.
Ukyo couldn't help but feel Ranchan's stare on her back, while she
prepared a seafood special okonomiyaki on the grill. As she poured the
mixture onto the griddle, she asked without turning, "What's the matter,
Ranchan? You've been actin' strange all week." She tended the food and
absently placed it in front of the customer, smiling sweetly, and turned
to Ranma, glancing as she did, at Pop competently preparing a deluxe
special.
That sentence reads weird... mostly because you have too many thoughts in that one sentence. Suggest separating it into several sentences and making a 'one thought per sentence' limit to each.
Neither he nor Ranma could match her exquisite touch, but
nobody would complain. Her own customer seen to and Pops taking care of
'Her own customers seen to and Pops' also reads weird. Suggest revising.
"Are you really...a girl?" She facefaulted... hard.
Personally, using "facefaulted", "sweatdropped", "large popping vein"... Wait, I'm repeating myself. Anyway, you get the idea.
Twenty minutes later, Ranma was pale as a sheet, and Ukyo pale in the
face from trying to get the facts through his thick skull. Downcast,
Ranma asked, "So, how long?" Raising an eyebrow she asked puzzled,
"How long what?"
"How long've ya been a girl?"
"You... JACKASS!"
LOL. Now, if Ranma were to have his foot in his mouth more times with the other fiancees and not just with Akane, then things would seem more like fair game in Ranma 1/2. It's as if a blabbering, foot-in-the-mouth Ranma is inexplicably only unique to Akane and Akane alone. OTOH, I'm sure some manga nut will correct me, citing some issue or whatever, but it still boggles my mind in general why Ranma almost always says the most inopportune things to Akane only.
Twenty more minutes and a thorough spatula pummeling later, the young
cookfelt
cook felt
"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"
"Well, yer a girl, ain't'cha? Ain't nothin' worse that could happen to
a guy right?"
Well, ain't that nice. Foreshadowing. ^_^
They hefted their packs, Ukyo having to shift the extra weight of her
double battle spatulas. Smiling triumphantly as they crested the ridge,
Genma turned to his two students of the Art and proudly declared "Well,
boys. We've finally arrived. Welcome to Jusenkyo!"
Genma doesn't know? Or does he want to humor Ukyo? Will Ukyo fall into the Spring of Drowned Succubus and the fact won't surface until chapter 20? Oops, sorry... I got the wrong fic in my head...
"Huzzah." They simultaneously deadpanned. Genma frowned.
"Ingrates."
Heh. Writing similarities aside, the content is moderately entertaining.
(looks below) Eyng? That _wasn't_ the first chapter? ?_? That's a pretty long prologue!
----
Chapter 1 � Junctures At Jusenkyo
�All this build-up,� grumbled the heir to the Saotome School of Musabetsu
Kakutou Ryuu, �and it ain�t nothin� but a bunch�a dumb pools and bamboo
poles.� Shaking his head sadly, Genma complained
You're missing a period. Or a comma, if this sentence is connected to the next paragraph. Or a colon. Take your pick.
�Don�t you know anything, boy? This is the legendary training ground!
Some of the greatest ever practitioners of the Art have trained here.�
Suggest: Getting rid of the word, 'ever'.
Ranma �phfft� at that.
Sugggest: "Ranma snorted at that" or "Ranma 'pffted' at that" (though as far as onomatopoeias go, 'pfft' isn't)
Rolling her eyes, Ukyo added,
�I�m with Ranchan on this, Pops. I don�t see _anything_ here to justify
spelunking halfway across China with almost no food and only an illegible
brochure for company.�
Suggest: Revising the grammar words of 'spelunking' and 'illegible'.
The man was approaching fast and was waving his arms, frantically
gesturing at them. Neither of the men seemed or cared to notice the near-
frenzied figure.Genma
figure. Genma
deftly leapt onto one of the high poles, gripping
with his bare feet. He was followed by grinningRanma.
grinning Ranma.
�Oh miss, you must make sirs come down from there. This cursed springs of
Jusenkyo! Very tragic tales here miss, yes.
Aw. One of Ukyo's original handicaps in the manga has been removed in this fic! Her outright tomboyishness to the point of cross-dressing is gone!
(shrug) Meh. It's not like Takahashi used that plot point to the hilt anyway. I mean, it's basically just a setup plot point for Ranma to discover then poof, the plot point mysteriously ceases to be all that important. Just as long as this doesn't become the typical Ukyo-worship fic, then it's all good.
Very bad you fall in spring!�
The Guide�s last word was punctuated with a orotund splash.
an orotund splash
Bonelessly,
There's no such word as 'bonelessly'. Besides, why would you describe Ukyo turning around as boneless anyway? She was just turning around suddenly in surprise, after all.
Ukyo turned around in time to see a giant panda swiftly break the water�s
rippling surface, and nimbly land on a bamboo pole.
It should be "...and nimbly landed on a bamboo pole" because the narrative is in past tense, right? Don't shift tenses.
Mouths agape, Ranma and Ukyo stuttered in stereo, �What the _hell_ is that!?�
Stuttering in stereo should involve actual stuttering. Suggest: "W-What the _hell_ is that!?"
Always ready to enlighten, the Guide proffered up a sign and began
recounting a tragic series of events that led to the creation of
Shanmoaniichuan. �Listen, buddy,� growled Ranma, �we never heard nothin�
about no cursed sp-� he was abruptly backhanded by the seemingly unfazed
panda, and landed with a stentorian scream
Last time I C&Ced, I had a sentient narrative prose who was a stand up comedian. This time I'm facing prose that's pedantic and arcane. It's Professor Prose, P.H.D.!
Suggest revising stentorian, 'coz even though it looks impressive that you have such a handle in the English language, fanfics are not read by college professors and dictionary geeks, they're read by anime geeks who'd rather _not_ have a thesaurus in hand when just reading a damn anime fic. Yeah, I admitted earlier that I have the same tendencies to pepper my prose with thesaurus words. But I really do believe the content of this fic is incongruous to the tone of your prose, so that's why your fic reads off (as opposed to my fic whose content and narrative are equally vague and pedantic :P).
in a nearby spring.
Had it a face, Fate�s would have sported a decidedly evil grin right
about then.
And now, that last line was just IMO cheesy.
�Ranchan!� screamed Ukyo dashing to the spring�s edge,
screamed Ukyo, dashing
dimly aware of
the Guide prattling on about another �too too tragic story�. There was no
movement. She gasped in mortal relief
Using 'mortal' to describe Ukyo's relief is a bit much here. Again, I must note that the grave, academic tone of your prose is not clicking with your story content.
as Ranma broke the surface,
screaming obscenities inhis
in his
soprano voice. Soprano?
Yeah... soprano? Shouldn't Ukyo mistake it to be a very convincingly effeminate falsetto instead? Ranma-chan won't be mistaken for a soprano by any stretch of the imagination.
Ukyo blinked and her
eyes looked to Ranma�s chest, and the nearly open gi top, as Ranma
angrily left the pool. �Ranchan?� She asked shakily.
�Yeah, Ucchan?� Ranma�s hand flew to the ruby red lips the martial
artist now sported as the tone of the voice registered home. Seeing Ukyo
motioning, Ranma�s hands moved agonisingly
I dunno if it's an alternative spelling, but I thought it's supposed to be, "agonizingly".
slowly to the soaked gi vest,
IMO, you don't need the 'vest' after 'gi'. Pick... 'gi' or 'vest'?
and parted it at the centre. She screamed, and Ukyo continued to blink
dumbly at her fianc�, now seemingly, her fianc�e.
...Hey, why didn't Ukyo get cursed? She was, after all, part of their little party now. Your whole setup better not be just another setup to have Ukyo's chances in the Ranma lottery increase in this fanfic.
First and foremost, before anything else, Ranma Saotome was a martial
artist. And one of the most important tenets of the art was the
unwavering discipline that allowed Ranma to remove herself form her state
of shock, and into a dull detachment (rather similar to shock, actually)
long enough for the Guide�s explanation to hit home.
(shrug) All I can remember in the canon and the anime is Ranma's rather perturbed scream at seeing the additions and subtractions in her new body. Is this 'unwavering discipline' technique Ranma strangely knows before even knowing the Soul of Ice technique something you made up exclusively for this fic? Because it makes me wary. I do hope it's not another deux ex machina that you'd use without care or compunction, because that'll seriously ruin the believability of the fic.
With morbid curiosity,
she continued to stare down at her new assets. A girl. How? Why? How?
~Three excellent questions~, thought Fate. ~Let�s just say that Karma is
of friend of mine.~
-_- Your fic is reading real well without the digressions from the narrative (or in this case, from Fate), so please don't start now. And I'm definitely leaving off C&Cing the rest of the fic if Fate suddenly decrees that Ranma and Ukyo belong to each other. Again, I hope that this isn't another deux ex machina.
Mechanically, Ranma looked up to Ukyo. UP to Ukyo? That was different.
Ukyo�s mouth opened but no words escaped. 'Discipline. Self control.'
Ranma turned her head looking over heroldest
'heroldest' doesn't register as a word in MS Word. It took me sometime to realize that it's just 'her' and 'oldest' bunched together. Heh. I thought you were merely writing yet another thesaurus word.
friend�s shoulder. For some
reason, the Guide was heating up a kettle of water. Her gaze continued to
wander until it settled on the morose form of a soaked and dishevelled
disheveled
giant panda.A
panda. A
pair of glasses hung precariously from one of itears.
What the hell are 'itears'?
'Pop.
Pop, who had dragged them to this damn ground in the first place. Discipline.
Self control. Pop, whose fault it was that Ranma Saotome was now a
little... busty... girl!...'
Suggest: "girl...!" or "girl!" (without the ellipsis)
�Come back here, you stupid old man!� shrieked his no longer especially
manly son. 'The voice's the same, too', quivered the Saotome patriarch,
picking up the pace.
Nitpick: Nope, Hayashibara Megumi-san's rather high-pitched and comic voice doesn't compare to Ikeda Masako-san's (Nodoko Saotome's voice actress) voice, even if she's angry.
Genma: On the other hand, maybe my own panic was making me hear things.
Those jerks, thought Ukyo. 'What was Ranchan thinking?' She pondered as
she leapt the twenty feet to the next pole, keeping the raging redhead
in sight. Running off like that...She supposed she couldn't blame him for
being mad.
(shrug) Don't mind me. I'm just seriously contemplating the point of changing things and having Ukyo join Ranma and Genma on their training trip if nothing particularly new or interesting (that's not author wish fulfillment) will happen. It's not just Ukyo getting away scot-free from getting a curse (even though nearly all of the Ranma cast that went to the Jusenkyo got cursed save Cologne and maybe even Akane because she instead fell into an 'empty' spring), it's the fact that everything is happening the same way even though Ukyo's there. It's as if Ukyo's really a non-factor, and the author only brought her into the fray simply because he prefers the Ukyo-Ranma pair up. (shrug) I hope this will change soon, for the sake of keeping with fic conflict and points of interest.
Scowling at the unspectacular sight before him, Ryoga Hibiki mumbled to
himself, �This can�t be Jusenkyo. That�s supposed to a really special
martial arts training ground. This is just a,� his martial arts viscera
'viscera' as opposed to 'insides' or even 'guts'(I suppose, 'gut feeling')? The word reminds me more of the wrestler than anything else.
�Yaaaaah!� followed an increasingly loud cry. Ryoga curiously turned
around and took a foot to the temple, as his head was used as a stepping-
stone by some crazy, frenzied redhead. �Get back here!� she yelled as she
pursued the escaping bamboo-muncher.
Well, same old, same old.
Twisting in midair, Ryoga righted himself so that he landed on the cliff�s
edge. His exhaled in short-lived relief, as the rock gave way beneath
him, sending him plummeting towards the springs below. ...Only, he wasn�t
plummeting. Abruptly, with a violent jerk, he found himself yanked up
onto solid ground. Coughing dust, he looked up with gratitude. His eyes
widened at the sight of his rescuer�s face.
I dunno, but personally I'd think it'd be no big deal for Ryoga to fall into any one of the springs given the fact that he doesn't know about their cursed natures. He reads a bit too thankful, as if he knows stuff that he's not supposed to know at the time.
Also, it seems (to me) that you're intentionally doing everything you can to avoid the subsequent Akane-Ryoga connection.
�Ukyo-san!� he cried happily, rushing to embrace his saviour. He was met
with a face full of spatula.
Ho-kay. Instead of adding conflict, she freakin' fixes things? Isn't that a pastiche of every bad Ranma fanfiction cliche of Ukyo fixing things because she's so perfect, saintly, and stuff? _This_ is the entire point of getting her to join Ranma and Genma in their training trip? So that she'd... I dunno... get another besotted suitor in the form of Ryoga this time, up until the point that the fanfic will revolve around Saint Kuonji where nothing bad ever happens to her? I hope not.
�No time for that, Sugar,� chided Ukyo candidly. �We have to catch
Ranchan before he kills Pops. Not that he doesn�t deserve it,� she added
wryly. Ryoga�s delirium turned instantly to rage.
Ukyo: I'm so nice that I'd rather stop Ranma from maiming Pops instead of running after Ranma to help him maim Pops! But don't you worry, gentle readers, I still hate Pop's guts!
�Ranma! Where is he?� growled the bandana wearing boy.
�This way, Sugar!� directed Ukyo, as she leapt onto a bamboo pole,
advising him to becarefulnot
be careful not
to lose hisfooting. Ryoga followed, being
his footing
It sure would be great if they both fell down to the Jusenkyo springs anyway. (whistles)
sure to keep Ukyo in sight.
Funny, he thought absently.That
absently. That
was the same direction the redhead and
panda had run off in.
�Ryochan�, questioned Ukyo, as they ran on a grassy area near the springs,
�WHAT are you doing here?�
�I came to save you, of course!� he replied righteously. �When you didn�t
show up for our date, I just knew Ranma had done something horrible to
you. I, ah �questioned�, one of the guys at school, and he said you and
Ranma had gone to China.
-_- Well, whaddyaknow? My prediction/worry is coming true right before my very eyes.
I'm having that awful, awful feeling again... a feeling that the author intends to replace Akane's lead role in Ranma with Ukyo by hook or by crook.
�What am I gonna do with you?� Ukyo sighed peevishly, fighting off a grin.
Ukyo: Boys, boys! Give a gal some breathin' space, will ya? ^_^ There's enough Ukyo for everybody!
Ryoga and Ranma: O_o;
It fled from her face as she heard the piteous whining growf of a despairing
panda nearby. �Just over this ridge,� she instructed Ryoga as they both
leapt.
Ukyo: 'Coz, y'know, my specific job in this fic is to charm my way into the hearts of all the major hunks in the series by simply being cute li'l ol' me without so much as getting hurt or getting a Jusenkyo curse because my beloved author is there to protect me! <3 <3 <3
Author: (winks)
Ukyo: (giggles) And you know it's perfectly okay, because Akane has all the breaks, ne? Perfect!
Joem: (applauds)
Hmmm. Something seems to be missing. I thought your fic, mildly amusing as it is in the first parts, has the potential for it, but as read further along my doubts begin to mount. What's the very thing that's missing from this fic? Ah, yes...
It's called 'conflict'. Something an author creates to make for an interesting story. Truly good authors will stack the odds against the Hero, leaving doubt in the reader's mind as to how, or if, the Hero or Heroine will triumph. Poor authors on the other hand, will write a super-duper character with DBZ or God-like power, enabling him to overcome any foes, as well as solve all problems and do everything right. Where's the conflict here? The suspense? The challenge?
It also throws a stick in the spokes of causality. Come on, someone's got to make an error in judgment if anything interesting is going to happen! A plot that comes out of nowhere and does all the driving feels pointless and forced. With the exception of some events, the momentum from the characters should pull the story straight over its climax. While there may be less of this (though it still exists) in canon, it applies much more to any story that, well, intends to end anytime soon.
but regardless, this remained a positively peculiar sight. A short, and
quite pretty girl (who he quickly realised was thecrazy chickwho had
the crazy chick who
clocked himearlier)
clocked him earlier
Is your space bar getting stuck at random parts of a sentence? Suggest getting that keyboard to the nearest technician. If the problem stems instead from you, then I'm sure you have enough mental capacities to fix this rather piddly problem, ne?
Ryoga got a better look at the girl as she sprang at the panda. No, she
wasn�t pretty. She was stunning. Her azure eyes burned with passion, and
her scarlet ponytail danced in the air as she flew with all the grace of
a swan, her lithe body shifting in midair, as she fluidly dodged the
panda�s counterstroke. As she swiftly avoided another blow, he could see
that her gi jacket was almost open, revealing a pair of exquisite...
Ryoga twitched as he felt the onset of a very large nosebleed; potentially
dangerous if the gi top opened fully as it was threatening to do.
He shook his head clear. What was he thinking? He was being unfaithful
to Ukyo-san! Ukyo, who was so nice to him in school; who didn�t tease
him over his lousy sense of direction. He didn�t deserve her! Ukyo, who
always stood up for him against other students (not that it was necessary),
and even against Ranma. Ukyo, who hadn�t turned him down when he had
finally summoned up the courage to ask her out on a date; who not fifteen
minutes ago had saved him from a dangerous fall. Ukyo, who right now was
raising her spatula behind the redhead...
Ryoga: But do I even deserve you? You'd be getting the short end of the stick if we were together, and you're too wonderful for that! Too beautiful, too nice, and too perfect! You're everything I've ever dreamed, but to me you're just a dream! You are a saint! A goddess! My sweet Venus! My foxy lady! You make me feel like a poet, even though I sound like an idiot! You make poets out of idiots, and idiots out of poets! You...
Yes, granted, Ryoga will do this to most any girl he sets his silly and impulsive heart on, yet the circumstances surrounding this situation I find unlikely. Perhaps very, very possible given that he's not currently Akane-smitten and Ukyo really is a nice person when not pissed off, but then she already has Ranma too? I'd probably be more tolerant of this if again conflict is added in this obvious twist of fate in Ukyo's fic life.
Then there's Ranma. Just a little question... Doesn't it occur to you that given a different situation, Ranma would probably end up pounded by any of the fiancees he's most often together with?
Soapbox time. I'm not sure of your intentions for writing this fic, but as Joem would say, they mean 'diddly-squat' to me. All I can do is interpret your fic according to how I could interpret it, and from what I've read so far, this fic reads to me like (dare I say it?) an Ukyo-worship fic. To think, I had high hopes with this fic too. I have nothing against Ukyo joining the Ranma-Genma ten year odyssey, but I do find it strange that nothing untoward or bad has happened to Ukyo as of yet. For example, there's the fact that Genma who's very, very Genma-like. Knowing him, what's to stop hi from his jibes of 'girls will slow us down' on Ukyo, which is why he turns him into a cross-dressing boy instead so that she won't slow them down? What's to stop him from making Ukyo pretend to be a guy and then sell her with Ranma for food? What's to stop Ukyo from getting involved in the dragon's whisker thing, the Gambling King etc.? Is the whole point of this fic to get rid of Ranma's perception of Ukyo as a boy and then add Ryoga to the mix because it'd make much more sense to you than Ryoga inexplicably worshipping the ground Akane walks on?
If you direly do need to make this fic an Ukyo wish fulfillment fic where the men adore him, she's always there at the right place and at the right time, and fixes most everything wrong in the fic, at the very least make plot points and conflicts out of the consequences of her actions. Fine, make her out into a saint. As far as canon portrays her, she's as nice as they come anyway, save the times she hits Ranma upside the head because of her jealousy and save the time she actually used bombs to 'save' Ranma from getting married to Akane... she's still a nice character. Portray her as such. Make her do the good deeds she's wont to do. Then let it blow up in her face, because no good deed is left unpunished after all. I'm not suggesting bashing her or even having luck against her, I'm simply saying that conflicts make for better reading. Look at the noble Ranma and how many good deeds he's done... look at what he got for it in return. It's getting so that people think Takahashi is actually a Ranma-basher, of all the silly things.
Ukyo isn't perfect. Ukyo makes mistakes. Ukyo's scary when she's angry, and not in the way that's cool or an asset. And Ukyo herself is fairly specific about not wanting to live as a woman until she gets her man - it's all hetero-dependent. I think her looking similar in dream sequences is as much because it's easier for viewers/readers to identify her as anything. And her career is, after all, cooking. It would do her any good to have only one motivation and one defining trait. Ranma isn't the center of her life, and the times when she does put her attentions on Ranma, Ranma's just too oblivious to care... and that should be enough to piss her off. If Akane has her usual triggers when it comes to Ranma (nudity, public displays of affection, insults, insecurities), so should Ukyo (her reaction to betrayal and lies or anything she perceives as betrayal or lies, Ranma's obliviousness, the way her schemes blow up on her face without Ranma even realizing she was gunning for his attention, etc.)
Wait! This is sounding like *gasp* an interesting character! Someone I'd want to read about, and even write! The combination of the good bits and the bad, flaws and those interesting, beautiful traits, are exactly what endears Ukyo to fans. Perfect Ukyo is bland as salt-less crackers.
o-o-o
Genma wasn�t fairing very well. His son was in a berserker rage, and
while usually this would give Genma the advantage, he simply wasn�t
accustomed enough to this new body to block and dodge all of Ranma�s
fury induced strikes indefinitely. Panting, he growfed in pain as his
son landed a kick in his soft panda belly. Doubling over, he was briefly
aware of someone approaching Ranma from behind...
o-o-o
(shrug) You don't need Genma's POV shift, IMO.
�He didn�t, jackass,� said Ukyo sharply, finally gaining Ranma�s attention.
(shrug) Well, this wouldn't be an Ukyo fic without the 'jackass' catchphrase now would it? :) I'm just surprised it was only said in the middle of the fic. (superdupershock!)
Ranma Saotome. Staring with wonder at his again large hands,the
hands, the
What in the hell was he doing here, hewondered
he wondered
for a moment, before the
furry presence before him registered. His eyes widened in aversion, and
he recoiled on the cot.
�Its not temporary?� he asked pointlessly. What had he done to deserve
this?
Fate and Karma shared a mutual snicker.
Disbelief, in the meantime, gave them the finger while boredom snored.
�Cold water? It...� In answer, the panda shook his wet fur, thoroughly
drenching Ranma. He looked down at his soaked gi with a sickening
foreboding, and realised that it was once againher gi.
again her gi.
No! There had to be a way out of this! �You!� she demanded pointing at
the Guide. �There�s gotta be a way to cure this, right? I, mean, for good?�
And of course, the wonderful goddess Ukyo was the first one ever in the Ranma Cast to have this wonderful moment of insight without the stars aligning at that exact moment so that for no scientifically explainable reason she'd have a burst of logical power beyond her normal facilities that enabled to come up with such a deviously simple conclusion.
Joem: Monchiron! Because she is a goddess!
The uniformed man puffed on a pipe and nodded. Her heart leapt.�What is
leapt. "What is
�Jusenkyo magic very volatile, sir!� he said frantically. �It no stable
for many months sir. If sirs jump into spring so soon, curse mix, and
become permanent! Ooh, terrible sir!�
Ah, at last. After all the Ukyo pleasuring, an interesting plot point has finally emerged. The fic has another chance at redeeming itself from becoming just another Ukyo worship fic.
(geeks out) But if what the Guide says is true, then can he explain why Tarou can fuse octopus tentacles on his monstrous body? Was his curse still unstable even though he was baptized many Jusenkyo water when he was just a baby?
Heh heh, thought Ranma, near skipping as she saw the large pool before
them that the Guide had identified as the Spring of Drowned Man. One
quick dip here, and her horrible experience at Jusenkyo would soon
become a distant memory.
Fate smirked.
Get rid of the misplaced personifications, please. They're detracting heavily from the fic.
Leaping for the spring with abandon, Ranma�s gleeful cry was cut off as
she was intercepted at the water�s edge by a wooden sign, being wielded
by her father. �What d�ya do that for, old man?� she demanded groggily.
After being so excited, why the hell is Ranma suddenly groggy?
She looked at the sign Pops had somehow gotten hold of,
[Show some respect for your elders, boy! [The sign flipped. [Let your
_father_ go first.] The panda made a dive for the spring, but was caught
in midair by a foot and swung away by his own momentum. He landed heavily,
fifteen feet away. Patting her hands together,
I don't think 'patting' is the word you're looking for here.
Ranma smirked cockily at
the unconscious panda and turned to the spring.
Ukyo�s heart caught in her chest as Ranmareached
Ranma reached
Oh, and the sudden POV shift is jarring. Suggest turning it into a wandering POV.
�What the!�demanded
"What the...!" demanded
own face, he berated himself. 'Thatgirl
'That girl
is Ranma, you idiot! And you
love Ukyo-san! Yeah, but just think of the two of the toget-. Stop that!'
Suggest: toget--Stop that!
Ryoga roared inwardly. Wiping away a line of drool, he noted that the
stunning, ravishing � that Ranma was holding Ukyo in a wristlock. Why,
that vile, nubile Ranma!
Heh. Vile and nubile, eh Pig-boy?
'Perhaps something _pertinant_,
_pertinent_,
�I can see why you�re upset, Ranchan, but why are you so mad about this?�
queried Ukyo, hopefully. �Look at this in perspective. So you turn into a
girl. Pops turns into an uberracoon!�
How knowledgeable. Usually normal people have no idea that the panda isn't a bear but just a very, very large raccoon.
�Well, I don�t think I�d react as badly as you have,� she replied honestly.
Nice foreshadowing there.
Ryoga attempted to tackle the redhead, who adroitly
Suggest: adroitly --> skillfully
Ranma stared in helpless fascination, as the girl waved her arms about,
Suggest: Getting rid of the first comma.
Fate and Karma high-fived. Metaphorically, that is.
This... running joke about Fate and Karma is getting tired and old. This is also typical of what I usually in my critiques, but please do show, not tell. Don't tell the readers that they should be surprised/saddened/angered/whatnot judging exclusively by the way your two metaphorical sidekicks react. Let them be the judge of that for themselves.
In truth, it was more of a falsetto
shrill of fury. Nonetheless, Ranma cringed in dread on
the grass as the okonomiyaki chef's soaked form stepped out of the
spring. Ukyo locked eyes with the blubbering redhead. "Now, Ucchan,"
Heh. This won't end well.
"Huh?" faltered Ukyo, halting in the calculated death march towards
Ranma's execution. "I'm...okay?"
She is? ?_?
voice. A hand reached tentatively upwards andran acrossthe
and ran across the
transfixed. His eyes were still as he drank in the pulchritudinous
@_@ I'm getting the feeling that this is a 'decipher the vocabulary word by reading form the context' English test.
"Damn you, Ryoga!" grumbled Ranma, as she sent him flying. His
intervention had delayed her escape long enough for a very large cooking
tool to nearly decapitate her. "Eep!" she yelled, as she rolled away
from another swipe. "Calm down, Ucchan!" she squeaked out as the chef
readied her, er, his, second spatula.
Wait, so Ukyo is basically cursed by...
Ukyo: Bishonen. Spring of Drowned Bishonen.
Ahhhhhhhh. (wince) Oooooohhhh. Not good. ^_^ Great plot point, though! (relieved) I wonder which bishonen, though? A fangirl would have a comprehensive list of those...
"Well, I guess I was wrong, wasn't I!" accentuating each syllable with a
swipe.
Hence the dangerously psychotic, 'will made Kodachi get a run for her money' Ukyo emerges in full bishonen regalia.
'She'll take my head off if I try to take her down now', calculated
Ranma, and she knows the Saotome Super-Secret Technique, so no help
there. Desperate, Ranma fell back ona Saotome techiniqueshe
Ranma fell back on a Saotome technique she
realised was
perfect for this situation.Fightng dirty.It
situation. Fighting dirty. It
was 'Anything-Goes' after
all.
"I thought you said you'd be able to handle this better than me", she
reminded the chef, knowing exactly which buttons to push, "Guess you're
not up to it, huh?" That brought Ukyo up short.
Ah. At last. Ranma using the perilous power of his tongue on Ukyo instead of Akane.
Ukyo: Ewww!
Akane: Pervert!
chef, looking down at himself. Scratching his head, the portly man asked,
"Why would I do that?" in his thick accent. "And why honoured customer
so wet?"Ukyo boggled but turned angrily when he heardsqueaky
heard squeaky (though, personally, 'squeaky' sounds like a weird word to use to describe guffawing)
"Don't push me, jackass!" he warned with a girlish grumble.
Perhaps it's a Spring of Drowned Konatsu? Would explain a lot. And since I'm predicting that Ukyo won't have any use for her two so-called 'suitors', then it'd be a convenient and appropriate end for the erstwhile kunoichi. Aaaand personally, it's far less disturbing than Spring of Drowned Kurama.
o-o-o
Back in the Guide's hut, and back in their original genders/species,
Ryoga: I feel left out. (pout)
"What?" blurted Ranma. "You mean we're gonna haveta drag ourselves all
the way back here in six months?" Disgusted with his son's attitude,
Genma said,
"We could make money out of this. We can make our own circus! Ukyo could rent a top hat and tuxedo, while you wear a Chinese dress. I could get a large ball, or an old tire. We'll be a hit! We won't have to worry about money and food problems ever again!"
"Make the most out of the experience, boy. Anyway, like I said, we're
going back to Japan. We have engagements to keep!" More specifically,
one engagement, and now considering Ukyo's 'semi-unique' predicament,
perhaps two, reflected Genma in jocosity.
(sigh) Have you filled your quota for vocabulary words yet, fic?
Ukyo smiled at the little girl, presumably the Guide's daughter, as she
helped dab a moist cloth over Ryoga's brow. She returned to her father's side
when Ryoga moaned from the cot. "Jeez," complained Ranma as he knelt
beside the chef, "I didn't hit him that hard. And I don't figure
Christopher Columbus here for suddenly havin' a glass jaw," he added,
glancing at his slightly bruised knuckles.
Ukyo: (looks weirdly at Ranma) Chris Who?
Ranma: (shrugs) I wanted to say "Magellan" but then I thought it'd be too pedantic. Then I thought, why not Cortez, but he's a genocidal bastard, so I scratched that off my list. So finally I decided that my wry and sarcastic comment on Ryoga's sense of direction would be better appreciated if I compared him to Christopher Columbus, the founder of Japan!
Ukyo: Ranchan, he's not the founder of Japan.
Ranma: Well, he must be! Otherwise, how else would I know of him?
*coughgrosslyOOCandthefourthwall'sbeenbreachedcough*
loose vest top to reveal hairless, but very male pectoral muscles. Ranma
reacting liked she'd been splashed with a bucket of ice water.
Ranma: Ewww.
Gotcha! smirkedthe chefas
"Gotcha!" smirked the chef as
colour, Ukyoform
Ukyo's form
appeared untouched whenthe curse took effect. (Her
when the curse
voice remained almost unchanged.) But, here before was quite stark
evidence to the contrary. Ukyo's pecs, while not bulky, were compactly
muscled.. Noting the angular shape, Ranma surmised that Ucchan's guy-
form was a LOT stronger than it looked, and from the way the muscle
rippled beneath the surface of those abs... What the? Ranma
banished away that thought with alarming force.
Ranma: Will not... let male pheromones... affect my now female hormones...
Ranma stretched her slim arms, palms outward before her, and clasped her
fingers together.She
together. She
she asked, licking her incisiors.She
incisor. She
swatted away and sent skyward by a large wooden sign. Their little
exhibition hadn't been without an audience.
Well, duh. Ukyo's an audience all his own.
can draw level?" she added loftily, sniggering once more at Ukyo's
embarrassment. Ranma hefted her pack, and motioned behind Ukyo with a
nod to the ground. "Now, who gets to carry Majellen, here?"
Ukyo: "Majellen', eh? Sounds about right.
Ranma: He was the one who discovered Okinawa, right?
"Wanna spar, Ranchan?" Spying her father readying a kettle, Ranma turned
back to Ukyo and nodded.
"Sure, Ucchan. Anything particular in mind?" she asked expectantly.
W-hat? No 'I don't spar with girls' and then Ukyo points out that he's not a girl anymore so it's okay' thing going on?
"Ready?" At the redhead's affirmation, Ukyo hefted his second battle
spatula and flung it spinning at Ranma, who deftly plucked from the air.
Both assumed a similiarbattle
similar battle
took more precision and skill rather than plain brute strength, to get
Get rid of the comma on the line above.
Ryoga grimaced forlornly from his position on the grass. He had been
avoiding speaking to Ukyo. Not because of the curse.
So what's the point of having Ryoga in the story? The only things he adds to the fic are awkward POV shifts and the occasional Kuno-like lust for two 'girls'.
him? He raised his eyes at the sound of clashing metal to see Ukyo and
Ranma were sparring.
Get rid of 'were' in between 'Ranma' and 'sparring'.
"It's getting a bit late, Ranchan. I think we should call it a day and
get cleaned up." Advised the chef. After, a moment, Ranma assented with
get cleaned up," the chef advised. (speech indicator)
"Pity we've got no water, though," she grumbled. Ukyo raised and single
eyebrow, and suppressed a sinister grin.
Funny how they got used to the curse, with all their playful teasing a while back. Wouldn't Ranma get weirded out by trying to seduce the guy Ukyo? Wouldn't Ukyo get weirded out by his now-male body's natural reaction? Shouldn't Ukyo feel a bit awkward exposing her chest like that to Ranma, even though she's in male form (the way Ranma doesn't feel awkward exposing her chest at the house even when she's in female form)? More to the point, how about giving these 'trans-gendered' teens some new insights on their respective opposite sex? Is this fanboy service, fangirl service, a little of both or none of the above?
Ukyo: Isn't it weird for guys to walk around with a slinky on your crotch?
Ranma: Well, now you know! Isn't it weird for girls to have pudding in their chest?
Ukyo: Well, now you know! Now that I'm a guy, will it be easier for me to bullshit?
Ranma: Well, now you know! Why do I suddenly feel worried about how proportionate my butt and bust size are?
Ukyo: Well, you should you know!
Ranma: Bet I'd look better as a man without a shirt than you do!
Ukyo: (blushes at the thought, walks stiffly)
Ranma: (looks at Ukyo knowingly, whistles) Now you know!
Ukyo: Is having those thoughts while I'm... like this, er, gay?
Ranma: (looks away awkwardly) How should I know?!
"What's the matter, Ranchan," asked Ukyo conversationally, "you finished
already?" Ukyo's eyes followed Ranma's gaze to his shorts. "Oh, I see!"
exclaimed Ukyo in mock realisation; "you show me yours..." he trailed
off suggestively, blatantly eyeing Ranma's midsection.
Ranma: (thinks) No, no, no! Ew, ew, ew! This is weird! Wait till we get to a hot spring, then look away in embarrassment when Ucchan's topless in her girl form!
Fanboys and Fangirls alike: (confused, not sure if it's fanboyservice or fangirlservice)
Ranma, for her part, blinked once, and fled in terror, missing out on a
madly cackling Ukyo laughing his transgendered
Suggest: trans-gendered
monster to live. He stopped short in his dash, as he became aware of a
sharp trident poking at his chest.
Ryoga: Ukyo-san? (twiddling his thumbs) Er, y'know that I like you very much, but this is too much, even for me! Can't we wait for a hot spring instead... Now, will you please _stop_ poking me? T_T
His eyes moved rapidly to the slight
forms of two armed girls, one of whom still had her prong levelled high
at his chest, aimed at his Adam's apple. That one had green hair, the
other, indigo. It was she, who spoke,
"We are Skittle Women. Prepare to have a taste our rainbow of colors!"
nodded a second time. The green haired one, lowered her trident,
humphing,
Ryoga: (scared) Please don't humph me with your trident!
after her partner. Ryogasoon realised that he was standing alone on the
Ryoga soon realised
hilltop. And that Ranma's attacker was long gone. He made a vow to track
that pervert down!
Kuno: Yes, YES! Destroy the lecher who attacked the poor pigtailed girl!
added, "But don't think I ain't gonna call off this truce sometime," he
threatened. She laughed,
Awwwwwwwww...
"And don't YOU think that I won't eventually call in this forfeit. You
owe me one, Sugar," she finished with mirth.
Genma scowled at this exchange.
Well, if only you concentrated on making Ukyo as boyish as possible. Hell, she even got a Jusenkyo curse, but noooo, you wouldn't capitalize on it...
Genma: Growf.
"You know it'd be pointless, Ucchan. Marco Polo could half-way to
Beijing by now, and even he wouldn't know it."
Ukyo: (shock) You actually paid attention to history class?
Ranma: (shrug) Only so I can make up more sarcastic comments about Ryoga's direction problem.
Its Ryoga's lousy sense of direction, and you being too nice for your own
good that's to blame.
One of these, I'll make a re-read of the manga and prove that these repeated comments of Ukyo being nice to a fault is strictly reserved in fanfiction...
I've already commented in length about 'canonizing' Ukyo as a saint or martyr, so please... don't. There's no need to ruin a story that way.
And that second one is really his fault, too," he
frowned."'Sides,
frowned. "'Sides
"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled. Yawning, he answered.
Suggest: Yawning, he answered,
"Oh, come on, Ucchan. Ya don't hang around with someone for a year and
not learn anything about them. You and me both know that ol' Ryoga simply
can't accept that bad things just happen sometimes. Especially to him.
He's gotta assign blame to _someone_. Heck, even if the weather takes a
bad turn, he's tries to find some poor sap to pin it on."
Well, the fic got rid of that plot point real fast and easy, along with any potential developments with Akane, Akari and whatnot. The upside is that Ryoga doesn't have to become 'Charlotte' or 'Master Porkchop' no more.
He suddenly
shuddered. "Nothin' big," he answerd at his companion's inquiry."Just
inquiry. "Just
had a horrible thought of what it'd like for someone if Ryoga ever
decided they were the source of all his problems. Can you imagine?"
They? Who are the 'they' that Ranma's referring to? Or did he mean, 'us', i.e. him and Ukyo?
Ranma shuddered once more and banished the horrible thought away, and
began rolling his shoulder to work out the kinks in his left arm. "So,
like I was sayin' Ukyo. You probably know who Ryoga's decided to bear
responsibility for whatever little snafu brought him here, right?"
(shrug) Personally, I think that, as far as Ranma is concerned, 'snafu' is a potato chip snack, so it won't be characteristic for him to use the word, IMO.
Ten years with Genma and Ranma had allowed Ukyo to fully master The
Saotome Guilty-Conscience Laugh (or as she liked to think of it, 'The I
Know You Know I Know Something I'd rather you didn't know-Chuckle'),
Where'd she find out about this? In the Fanfiction Cliche Institute?
"What about me?" He suddenly made a disgusted sound. "Shoulda seen that
comin', really. So what'd I do? Rearrange the scenery so that he SOMEHOW
got hopelessly lost and couldn't find you in time for you 'date'?"
your 'date'?"
Also, I'm wondering why Ranma isn't the teensy bit jealous of the date.
before he arrived...on the fourth day," she addedtryingto
she added, trying to
thick skull?" Ukyo's breath caught, but she tried not to let it show.
Ranma almost never referred to her as his fianc�e. He didn't seem to
notice her reaction as he stared at the sky.
Ah, very good. Vintage Ukyo. :P
"His gross stupidity?" suggested Ranma.
"His forthrightness," corrected the chef.
Ranma: His what?
Ukyo: Frankness! Candor! Bluntness!
Ranma: Whu? So you're saying he's...
Ukyo: He's direct! Concise! To the point!
Ranma: Ah, so that's what you're saying! You're opposites!
Hearing the word 'forthrightness' in normal, non-academic conversation is weird. Suggest simplifying it.
"What?" he demanded in mornid curiousity.
morbid curiosity
[You stay away from that Hibiki, boy.] It flipped. [You're marrying a
girl!]
Heh.
"Like I wanna be near him!" The chef snickered again.
Separate the "Like I wanna be near him!" from "The chef snickered again", because it might confuse the reader into thinking that Ukyo said the words instead of Ranma.
say that you look really cute... y'know, that way." He 'hmphed', sceptically.
Suggest: He harrumphed sceptically (are you sure that's the 'European' spelling of "skeptically"? Dunno myself).
"I'm serious," insisted the brunette honestly.
"Well so do you," he complained, "an' you're not getting the freakin'
Isn't it supposed to be:
"Well, so are you," he complained
...because he's referring to Ukyo's 'kawaii-ness'?
The group awoke to an ominous peal of thunder, and elicited mutual
groans as the heavens opened. The Guide led the cursed individuals away
from the recently dusty clearing and through the muddy areathe
MS Word thinks that 'areathe' isn't a word. Can you claim otherwise? What does it mean, exactly?
"Nothin' at all," relied Ranma honestly. "But then again, we've never
replied Ranma honestly
"I'm on the team, too, y'know. Just be aware that revolution is in the
Revolution?
air," singsonged the redhead. Ukyoarched an eyebrow thoughtfully.
Ukyo arched an eyebrow thoughtfully.
o-o-o
Later, the weather had settled, and they approached Joketsuzoku eagerly.
Hoping to sate their hunger, they found themselves drawn by a crowd to
You're missing an 'a' after 'to'
had already began attacking. Shrugging when he saw nobody in the village
complain, or even look their way, Ukyo bit into a large ham.
complained, or even looked their way,
"That's a woman?" questioned Ranma dubiously, as a hulking, broad
shouldered Amazon attacked her smaller opponent with a loud grunt.
Suggest: hulking, broad-shouldered Amazon
question sent her opponent flying from the log with a mighty blow of her
bonbori. The Chinese manturned,
The Chinese man turned,
"Alright," grumbled the redhead,
Suggest: "All right," instead of "Alright,"
'So the taller woman wanted to fight her instead? No matter.'
If Shampoo's thinking this statement, then shouldn't it be, "So the taller woman wants to fight me instead? No matter." If not, then get rid of the confusing single quotation marks.
'Woah. That was different.' Ranma gradually let a similar smile spread
across her face. She broke eye contact with Ukyo as a hand appeared on
his cheek. It belonged to the Amazon girl.
Suggest: Separating Ranma's POV from the point where Ukyo noticed a hand appear on his cheek... to avoid confusion. Your readers will thank you.
This outsider woman would pay for stealing her victory. Shampoo leant
Suggest: leaned
The smirk immediately transformed into wide-eyeddumbfoundment
wide-eyed astonishment (there's no such word as dumbfoundment, AFAIK)
as Shampoo
felt something brush up against...She quickly ran her hands across the
outsider's chest. Her world turned upside-down. It was a man!
Ah, yes. Point of interest no. two. No complaints here from me. :)
Surprised to find herself seething, Ranma
froze when the purple haired girl planted a kiss smack on the lips of
her... of Ucchan!
That... HUSSY!
Oh-kay. So I suppose this is one of _those_ fics that tease readers with Ranma's supposed bi-sexuality for the sake of male fanservice.
Fanboy: Dunno what you're talking about. (whistles)
Author: Hormones. It's all about hormones. (whistles)
The redhead clenched her fists as the Amazon hugged Ukyo and cried out
something to the village, which was met with raucous cheers,save
cheers, save
one guy
in white robes shrieking madly and having to be restrained.
Suggest: Put the 'shrieking madly' and 'having to be restrained' parts in separate sentences. Remember, keeping one thought per sentence makes for easier reading.
"Get away from my fianc�!" Her tone made the Guide's quick interpretation
unneccessary.
unnecessary
Just to be certain, Shampoo looked closely at the redhead's half opened
gi top. Good, this little onewas
one was
be rather impactful on the next few months of their lives.
"Impactful" is not a word. Suggest revising.
Well now. That was a fairly amusing read. What it basically needs? A little bit of spit and polish on the grammar department. I'm guessing that's what prereaders are for. But just in case you already do have prereaders, might I suggest becoming a tad mindful of your story syntax and grammar by yourself? So here again is another installment of Abdiel's cut-and-paste grammar suggestions via quoting Katsu no Miko (http://www.katsudon.net/):
"Self Critique
Don't have a beta reader? Want to make your story better, but not send it in for a critique? Become your own editor in five easy steps.
Don't be afraid to rewrite. This is the cardinal rule; I know that every story is your baby, and every word is precious, and every scene is something you wanted...but you also have to realize that it's not perfect. To carry the metaphor further, stories are like kids--you might think that yours is perfect when you look at it, but everyone else in the world sees it as a misbehaving brat. Don't be afraid to look for things to fix. Don't be scared to restructure your sentences. No story is perfect in the first draft, or in any successive draft--but it gets better each time you rewrite.
Kill your darlings. It's nearly a law that a story should lose 20-30% of its original size when it goes from first draft to final draft. First drafts contain a lot of unnecessary words, strings of adjectives and adverbs, or bits of purple prose that you are extremely proud of. Going through your drafts means tightening up your story, and making it more readable. I don't care how twitterpated you are with one of your flowery metaphors--if it doesn't fit, kill it. You adore the scene where two of your characters go for a midnight stroll and find a ring, right? But it doesn't really fit in with the story--it has to go. Your readers will thank you.
Spell check, then spell check your spell check. To start with, do the world a favor and spell check your stories. Nothing drives readers into distraction more than strings of obviously misspelled or type-oed words. Once you've spell checked, that's great--now go over your story and check it yourself, without the aid of a program. There are some words you may have misspelled into other words, which no computerized spell checker can catch. Also, sometimes computer spell checks will see a strange misspelling, and just pick the word that it thinks is right--which almost never is right. There's nothing more disconcerting than reading along in a story and finding a phrase like this. "The boy smiled, an expression full of mystery. 'If you want to find out,' he said, 'you'll have to talk to him yourself. Please come this wad.'" I rest my case.
Read your dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very weird to read it.
Let it percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think your wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and other problems. If you've just written the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know exactly what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote."
Okay, now's the time for my judgment of the fic content.
I'm a bit divided on how I'm going to judge this fic in accordance to content. On one hand, its intro was very good, and mildly amusing. In fact, overall, the fic was quite mildly amusing from start to finish. On the other hand, this is definitely an Ukyo worship fic if I ever saw one. Sure, the obstacles and plot points presented in the fic somewhat allayed worries and my tendency to rant and rave about the fic's propensity to put all the insights and center all the plot points on fanboydom's favorite 'cute' fiancee. Still, the portrayal of Ukyo as 'a victim of circumstance' and 'too good to a fault' is waaaay to reminiscent of one of those 'tragic figure' pieces.
On one hand, I found that the fic definitely had its moments. The best part was the prologue because it didn't set off my canon-nitpicker alarm so much. On the other hand, Ryoga was reduced an underwhelming and unimpressive character, with the fanboyish way he was acting. Good for him that he doesn't change into a black piglet of angst, bad for him to have become a fanboy of hormones and lovesickness. On one hand, Ukyo did fall into the Spring of drowned Bishonen. (snicker) On the other hand, it didn't really affect her that much because of her form's effeminateness (and even becomes closer to Ranma), which activates my bullshit detector once again. On one hand, Ukyo's problems just mounted tenfold with her meeting with Shampoo and the Amazons. On the other hand, Ranma was acting Ukyo-jealous like and ambiguous lesbianism is palpable in the air (this might actually count as a good thing as far as fanboys are concerned). On one hand, your manner of writing kind of, sort of resemble mine, so at least _I_ can easily read through it. On the other hand, you repeat the mistakes that I've also done, so this is thesaurus word/awkward phrasing/pedantic writing galore. So many pros, yet so many cons. I'm not sure how I'm going to judge this, IMO...
So, what's the bottom line? Iiiit's... okay. Mediocre is the worst thing I can call it, and 'with loads and loads of potential' is the best praise I can give it. Is it a must read? No. Is it a nice read? Yeah. Does the fic still have room for improvement? Hell yes. Can you leave it as is and be happy with it? M-well... yeah. After all, it's okay, and mildly amusing as I've said.
It's standard disclaimer time.
I'd like to clarify once again that this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique. Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." I give praise where I think praise is due, and I give longwinded rants when something sets me off in a fic because that's just the way I tick. (shrug) This is an undoubtedly biased C&C, but I'm fairly sure you can glean something of some use to you if you choose to. It's your jurisdiction to ignore the comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "I'm not quite sure, but I get the funny feeling that this is a Ukyo slanted propaganda piece disguised as a fic, though there are times when this fic certainly has its moments."
In any case, ignore my vinegar-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to Ukyo kind-of-sort-of-not-quite-sure-but-it's-there-I-think worship, pedantic writing, thesaurus words, substituting fanservice for plot, and getting your fic to bloom to its IMO full potential: actual experience of what a better story constitutes. And do keep on C&Cing, so you could spread the love. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.
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