Stuff. C&C. (shrug)
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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: c7c30.txt
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And now for this one... ask and ye shall receive. The standard disclaimers from the previous C&C I gave you apply here too. So as per usual, blah, blah, blah grain of salt, blah, blah, blah, use what you can use, ignore the rest, blah, blah, blah... ^v^
On 4/22/05, Ace <aceatheist@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
Disclaimer: I am a thief and a stealer of souls... ^_^;
^^; Some people get all riled up with people not putting proper disclaimers. Suggest making it funny, but still adding a standard disclaimer. Lots of people particularly have the hate-on for this type of disclaimer.
Secondly, I've said what I've said in my little soapboxes in the previous one, so I'll now simply point out the stuff that's particularly interesting to me.
Oh, and please do clean this up. Some sort of formatting glitches from before has reappeared on these chapters where words suddenly sticktogetherlikeso. Sooo... there. It's distracting to read. To make your editing job easier (and I highly suggest you do edit this, for the sake of getting having a clean copy of it, even), I've taken the liberty of pointing out where the formatting errors apply.
Chapter 4 � Tempting Fate
Indifference: Oh great, it's you again.
Fate: Ah, fuck off.
�Probably took off during the night,� concluded Ukyo.
Er, what question was Ukyo responding to? You don't need a complete recap, but including the question here so as to refresh the memories of those of us who don't have the best of memories would be appreciated. Yeah, it'd probably make sense who Ukyo's talking about once people read the chapters altogether, but some of us (i.e. me) read the chapters piecemeal. So... just a little "So where'd _____ go?" or something will be mucho appreciated.
�I suppose we
can�t really blame him,� she groused, squinting in the poor light of
the forest.�Its
Formatting error for forest.�Its.
not as though we haven�t caused him enough bother
since we showed up at Jusenkyo and all, you think Ranchan?� Her
fianc�e didn't respond. �Ranchan?�she
Formatting error for �Ranchan?�she.
repeated. He glanced at her, and
shrugged,
�I guess so.� Ukyo frowned at his noncommital
noncommittal (unless of course it's yet again an 'Americanism' ^_^)
The sign fell away in several pieces, as Genma dodged theirate
Ranma: Theirate?
Ukyo: It's a Theist that's a pirate.
Ranma: (looks more confused) Theist?!
Formatting error for theirate
chef�s
spatula. She pursued.Unusually
Formatting error for pursued.Unusually
groggy from sleep, theelder
Formatting error for theelder
She brought down her spatula in one final noisy thud. �And that�s for
using those dumb signs when you�re not even a panda!�
Genma: Pot calling the kettle black.
Ukyo: I didn't do it because I was lazy!
Genma: (looks weirdly at Ukyo) Kettle calls the pot strange.
fianc�e,brows scrunchingonce moreat herpeculiar
Formatting errors for a whole bunch of words.
reticence.
Ah, reticence... I love that word. IMO, reticence kicks silence's ass. Nevertheless, reticence is AFAIK almost never used outside of academic journals, legal documents, fansubs to describe Sailor Saturn's title, and my fics. ^^
�You okay, Ranchan?� he inquired. The girl slowly
craned her neck topeer
Formatting error for topeer
at the dull sky through the thick canopy.
�Fine, Ukyo,� she answered.Her
Formatting error for answered.Her
tone indicated otherwise. The brunet
Brunet? Non-yankee spelling of 'brunette'?
imagined that having a death warrant recently placed on one's head could
somewhat detract from from
Needless repetition of 'from'.
one's spiritedness. Yet, Ranma's behaviour
seemed unlike that of a condemned individual. It almost reminded him of
Tsubasa's early behaviour around Ryoga.
O_O
(checks my first C&C of Batter & Curses) Soooo... did I skip a few chapters again? Missed an important plot development? Coz this is B&C 4-6, which I C&Ced right after B&C 1-3, which means this little flashback about Tsubasa reads a lot like it came out-of-the-blue for me, mainly because of 1.) slight differences in order of appearance, AFAIK, and 2.) there seems to be a lot of rushed exposition in that sentence that can be shown later. Again, it may just be me.
Before the crossdresser had really
flown off the handle.
That reads like a fragment than an actual sentence. Actually, it reads more like a dangling and incomplete sentence. I'm guessing making it into a complete sentence would improve much on conveying what you're trying to say.
A deadly 'twang' cut through his contemplation.
El Kabong: KABONG! *twaaang!*
Suggest: "A deadly and almost imperceptible/but silent/but stealthy/etc..." to describe the twang, since it came from a bow, not El Kabong's Kabonger.
He swung his battle
spatula in a wide arc, intercepting the arrow that had been on course
for Ranma�s torso. Ukyo smiled when he noticedthat
Formatting error for noticedthat
the redhead was
standing a distance from where she had been crouched.
Nitpick: Describe 'a distance'. Was it a short distance? Was it quite a distance? Perhaps a long distance away? Meters away? Inches away? 'Distance' sans description, IMO, is a bit too general.
�Come out!� Demanded Ukyo
Suggest: "Come out!" demanded Ukyo (speech indicator) If it's not a speech indicator and you meant it as an action, might I suggest "Ukyo demanded"?
And Ukyo steals the show again by being able to hear the twang as if she's the main character. 'K.
reaching for his second spatula.He
Formatting error for spatula.He
held it
defensively, using the other to motion at the forest.�We
Formatting error for forest.�We
all see you.�
Or rather, Ukyo and Ranma did. Genma was in parts unknown.
Gradually the anticipated lavender-haired individual emerged from the
scenery, holding a bow with an arrow nocked...
I haven't come upon the word 'nocked'... Typo or colloquialism? Shouldn't it be 'notched' (I could be wrong, though...)
Which she loosed without
Suggest: Replace 'loosed' with 'released' or 'let loose'.
�Stop already!� screamed Ukyo at the girl, before she could fire off a
third projectile. For a wonder, she did, lowering her bow and flinging
away her arrow.
'For a wonder' sounds weird. Some sort of local saying/idiomatic expression/whatnot?
�Huh?� blinked the chef, glancing at Ranma, who
maintained a ready stance, shrugging back. �What do you want?�asked the
chef oftheir attacker,
Lotsa formatting errors.
immediately realising how stupid a question it
was. He balked as the Amazon dropped her weapon and began moving towards
them. Ukyo blinked as Ranma stepped nearer to him, almostpossessively.
The apparently unarmed Chinese girl pausedfive metresfrom the pair.
Lotsa formatting errors.
�Husband,� she said to Ukyo in a very thickly accented voice, as though
the word had only just been learned. �You come back with Shampoo, now.�
�Like hell she will!� snarled Ranma hotly. �She is my fianc�!� Ukyo�s
eyes widened at the forceful declaration. So he wasn�t misremembering...
�Ranchan...?� he asked.
Ah. So that explains Ranma's anger/jealousy/whatnot. Though I've already expressed my wariness for what could be Ukyo-worship, I'll give the pair this consideration... Ranma will most likely be enamored with the girl who's most readily available and accessible to him. Hell, he was able to hook up with Akane after a bit mainly because of the factor of accessibility.
�Wait a minute,� demanded the redhead,��Shampoo�?�
Formatting error for redhead,��Shampoo�?�
�Stop!� cried Ukyo moving to parry the blade�s strike. He didn�t have to.
Shampoo had stopped in mid-swing, and stood staring at Ukyo. �W-why did
you stop?� he flustered.
AFAIK, 'flustered' is not the proper verb for a speech indicator.
Suggest: "W-why did you stop?" he asked, flustered.
Ranma meanwhile had made no attempt to move, and
I don't think you need the word, 'had' there.
continued to glare at the Amazon with animosity burning coldly in her
blue eyes. The Amazon, Shampoo,
I wasn't able to air this complaint before because this is technically correct, but the, um, rather superfluous and overzealous use of substitute names on Ukyo "the chef" and Shampoo "the Amazon" instead of, say, simply using their names or, even better, pronouns, is getting to be a bit taxing to the reader. I can't speak for all readers, obviously, but that's the sore thumb which I think your fic has.
�No,� came the succinct reply. Ukyo was perturbed.
(sigh) Fine! :P Use your lawyer-like talk to replace the words 'simple' and 'troubled'. If this is how you naturally write, then go for it. But please, no repeats of 'jocosity'. ;)
dishonour. No marry man what defeat Amazon woman biggest dishonour.�
The girl proclaimed this with a finality.
I don't think you need the article 'a' in between 'with' and 'finality'. "With finality" is a legitimate, grammatically correct phrase.
Ukyo realised wasn�t she going
to budge on the matter.
Suggest: "Ukyo realized that she wasn't going to budge on the matter" or "Ukyo realized that Shampoo wasn't going to budge on the matter" just to be clear.
much as he could, he intoned in a slightly squeaky falsetto,
Er, would you mind looking 'falsetto/baritone/tenor/whatever' up in the internet/library? Coz from what I know, falsetto is the sound a guy makes when he pitches his voice higher to mimic a girl (i.e., Michael Jackson). The fact that Ukyo's a girl who turns into an effeminate guy kind of complicates matters on whether you should use falsetto or not. How about just dropping the whole thing?
�Shampoo! As your husband, I command you not to try to hurt Ranchan in
the foreseeable future. I also command you to remain here when Ranchan and
I leave, and not to try to track us for a week, alright?� he finished
Makes me wonder why Shampoo hasn't used the special formula shampoo on Ranma. OTOH, I may be speaking too soon...
smiled,�Shampoo break husband in. Then it no matter.�As the sentence had
Lotsa formatting errors.
finished the girl had glomped onto Ukyo.
Huh. I was wondering where the 'obnoxious' fandom terms went. :P Actually, I'm kind of glad there has, so far, not been that many fandom terms in your fic. If you really have to put them there, don't liberally litter them all over the place.
She looked at him smokily
I could be wrong, but I don't think that smokily is an actual adverb.
as
Ranma grit her teeth and raised her fist. �Wo ai ni,� she breathed
silverly,
Though I'm fairly sure 'silverly' isn't a valid adverb, I'll bite... when something is described as silverly, it makes that something what? Svelte? Smooth?
Any lingering
doubt that Ranma was now a girl had been swept away by her most womanly
reaction to that pervert who had tried to molest her by the stream.
Ranma: (incensed) DUDE!
Ryoga: Sweet-o!
Ah, Ranma, with her glittering azure eyes, her dazzling smile, her
elfin face, her lithe, well built... Ryoga�s eyes glazed over. But what
of Ukyo! With her earthy humour, her smooth, lovely face, her flowing
dark hair, her long curvaceous...He wiped away drool.
You've heard this before... Ryoga is not Kuno. To your credit, Ryoga _can_ fall in love to the point of obsession... I'm not just sure to the point that he'd think his former rival is now a girl. And why exactly _isn't_ Ukyo not using Ryoga to further her cause for Ranma, as seen in canon?
To the type of characterization I have of Ryoga in my mind, he should be angsting away at betraying his pure feelings for Ukyo by having feelings for Ranma-chan, hating himself for being such a sleazebag to want two girls, punishing himself by blaming Ranma, then he fantasizes about Ranma after he remembers he's now a she, which triggers again his guilt on Ukyo, making him think of himself a worm, rinse, repeat. That, I believe is IC. AFAIK, the much contested-over canon of Ranma 1/2 manga does not portray Ryoga as someone who would not even once think of how inappropriate he's acting right now. My two cents.
o-o-o
~Doesn�t this seem somehow... malapropos?~
~Whatever could you mean?~
O_o wtmf...? Waaaaiitt.... It's _them_ again!
Hello fate. Hello... whoever. Sashiburi. Meet indifference.
o-o-o
Ranma, a paragon of feminity and grace! Ukyo, with her unique bubbly
exuberance and beauty!
And what about Ukyo's girlish manliness? Even before getting cursed by the spring of drowned Kura--er, bishonen, she's already had loads of girlish manliness.
The angel and the nymph. How could he choose?
Why couldn�t he have them both!
Somewhere in ficdom, Kuno sneezes.
o-o-o
~Fix it.~
~Killjoy.~
~Now!~
Heh. Ei, look everybody... My C&C dialogue with the author, simplified.
What the hell was he thinking? Of course he couldn�t have them both.
That would be immoral, right? And Ryoga Hibiki wasn�t immoral. He dashed
away some thoughts that threatened to disprove this, as he continued on
his lonely trek.
He could have gotten that thought sooner, and without the drool, but I digress.
two didn't know about one another.A
Formatting error for another.A
Save a grumpy, sign-wielding panda.
She was beginning to feel decidedly ecidedly grumpy herself; her nascent
annoyance at Ranma�s laconic responses to her attempts to begin
conversation, growing by the day.
This sentence confuses me. I know what you're trying to say (supposedly), but I don't think you're saying it quite effectively. Suggest revision.
He had been so open that night after they�d called the truce. Just
enjoying one another�s company, and discussing things that didn�t
pertain to the associated subjects of martial arts or food. They had
always gotten along, like buddies do. They�d never gotten along like
that.
(bullshit detector goes off) Waaaaitaminute, the curse actually got them _together_ instead of wedge them apart or add, oh I dunno, complications to their relationship? 9_9
It had continued on into the next day, when they�d arrived at Joketsuzoku.
After accidentally eating the first prize, Ukyo had defeated Shampoo
with that same technique they had sparred in the night before. The chef
had turned back to the table to see Ranma giving her (well, him at the
time) a thumbs-up.
Personally? Even though I'd be repeating myself, I'd love to see more conflict to make these waffy, sappy scenes have more payoff. It's like buildup before the climax. It's like foreplay before sex. It's like more writing, less fanboyism. Less IMO OOC jealous Ranma irritates Ukyo to no end, more misunderstandings that would make this read less predictably.
Ukyo had never been so pleased to receive someone�s
approval as she had then. And then Ranma had smiled at her. That moment
had seemed to freeze. Ranma and she had shared the beginnings of
something that they never had before. Something Ukyo had always hoped
they could one day share.
But where's the buildup? The progression sounds somewhat forced, seeing that their mutual curse is the main factor to all this. Contrived, even. Unless there's something else that takes away this strongly implied conclusion that Ukyo's gonna get it on with Ranma by increading rapport with him by every problem they share, then my interest in this will be fading fast. Sure, Takahashi's way of making the plot interesting has made a lot of people convinced that Akane and Ranma shouldn't be meant to be, but all in all it's still an interesting take. The fun factor is there. Even if you have a well-written fic, fun factor is still, needless to say, all important to me as a reader.
And sure, you'll probably be begging the readers to again have 'more patience', but I still personally believe that when there are more times of waff progression than interesting conflict and plot development, then we have author bias on the works here.
Naturally, something had happened to interrupt.
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it�s important to remember that dangling sentences.
Thinking more on it, it hadn�t been after Shampoo had attacked three
days ago that Ranma had began acting coolly; it was after they�d left
the village.
Why was Ranma acting coolly when jealous? Shouldn't his jealousy be more, I dunno, subtle? Is it me, or is he taking in the curse a bit too well to the point that the 'Ranma Saotome's a man's man' plot point of both manga and anime is now gone?
However, the second incident with the girl seemed to have
caused Ranma to distance himself further that before, something which
Ukyo failed to understand.
Same thing with the readers, unfortunately.
He�d been adamant about his engagement with
Shampoo, yet remained somewhat cold to the subject of the engagement
herself.
Again this reads weird. "remained somewhat cold to the subject of the engagement herself" is confusing. To what does 'engagement herself' pertain to? Her engagement to Shampoo or her engagement to Ukyo?
The three martial artists rose to the pitter-patter of rainfall. Having
gone to sleep in their cursed forms, this day promised them no respite.
By unspoken agreement, they deigned not to train that morning. The dire
weather seemed a match for the group�s mood.
Suggest: If you really have to use those thesaurus words, why not go full-tilt and make the prose purple to the point it would make even Milton proud. :P Anyway, that's what I would do, but it'd be understandable if it's not your thing.
�But I wanna eat it
You're missing a period and an end quotation mark.
�Oh, ha ha.� Commented Ukyo. �Its likeyousaid, Ranma,� he paused, noting
the girl's eyes widen when Ukyo dropped her pet name.�You don�t hang
Lotsa formatting errors.
�You�ve been, for want of a better term,
Suggest: substitute 'want' with 'lack'.
�Yeah, like you�d hate that so much.� She moved away, leaving behind a
thoroughly addled okonomiyaki chef. One who hadn't missed the pout on
Ranma�s face.
Very good, Ranma. Now call her the ultimate tomboy! :P
Ranma: Naw, that wouldn't work with Ucchan the way it works with Akane. She's not insecure. Besides, why would I want to piss her off? She gets so worked up and focused when she's pissed off, it's scary! (shudders)
'What had that got to do with any...' Ukyo�s hand flew to his mouth in
a little gasp. Ranma was...she was...he was... Two emotions warred in
Ukyo�s head at this realisation.
(shrug) I think you're over-using the word realisation too much, when it can be substituted for awareness, comprehension... Hey, you do have a fairly large vocab, doncha? ;) Use it.
burgeoning smile appeared behind his hand. He lowered it, to see that
the reaction tohis new understading
Formatting error for tohis... Oh, and 'understading' should be 'understanding'
Ranma glanced surreptitiously
Suggest: replace 'surreptitiously' with 'furtively' (because to me it flows better that way)
The redhead felt better than she had since Joketsuzoku. Her
smile faded a bit at that thought. Ucchan�s grin remained.
Kudos to you for not yet using the "You're the 'cute' fiancee" line as of yet. ^_^ Better it is used later than sooner, after all.
o-o-o
�Sorry to bother you, but could you tell me where I...�
The current Guide had worked at Jusenkyo for twenty-five years. In that
quarter of a century of dealing with choleric cursed victims, ignorant
customers, arrogant Amazons, and the just plain crackers Musk; he had
developed a level of patience that would shame a saint on Prozac.
fic Ukyo: (saint on Prozac) :P
time. You in Jusenkyo time before that. You still in Jusenkyo, sir!�
The boy in the bandanna looked around.
I am well aware of the supposed grammar rule drilled into the heads of the students about peppering prose with name substitutes that are not pronouns (the chef, the bandanna boy, the Amazon, the bimbo, the redhead, the cute fiancee etc.). When used right, it can make prose sound a lot more interesting. When used 'surreptitiously', it bogs down the flow of the fic. I mean, why use these name substitutes when simply repeating the name of the character (Ukyo, Ryoga, Shampoo, Ranma) and pronouns is enough to get your message across? The best time to use name substitutes is when using pronouns would confuse the reader on who's doing what.
Ex: Ranma and Ryoga fought to a near stalemate, but in the end he eventually defeated him.
to: Ranma and Ryoga fought to a near stalemate, but in the end he eventually defeated the bandanna-wearing boy.
Or something like that.
knowledge of the language, translated as best he could. �Why would she
want me to 'go and phone myself'?� he wondered aloud.
9_9
<<<snip the totally unnecessary and gratuitous use of personified fate and her other companion>>>
No. Just... no.
artists dissuaded all but the most foolhardy of attackers.
Eh? Martial artists? How would they know? There's a boy who sometimes is a small, weak-looking girl and a girl who is sometimes a girly-looking boy. What aura of danger can those two manifest?
His two charges� anxious behavior hadnudged the Anything-Goes Master to
Formatting error for hadnudged
pusillanimous)
O_O Pussiwhatsimous? Why use that word instead of simpler words like cowardly or lily-livered or whatever pussiwhatsimous actually means in simple terms?
change of venue when the insane Warrior Girl had shown
up, by trying to make him paranoid. But Genma knew thatneither of the
youths, especially his son, was acompetent enough actor to fool him.
Lotsa formatting errors.
He awoke to the sound of tristful grumbling.
What is 'tristful', exactly?
�Ucchan, I take back what I said before. I�d kill for a plain
okonomiyaki right now.� The other teen rolled her eyes,
You can easily substitute 'the other teen' with 'her', because the 'uncursed' Ukyo's the only girl there.
said in resigned tones. �At least not with Xena on our trail.� She
Nitpick: Nothing blows the 'realism' of a fic than pop culture references that the characters should not know about. Fourth wall and all that. OTOH, your ff.net audience seems to love this piece of... exposition, so be it. Go with the fanservice.
Genma was near finished his second serving
Pick: "Genma has nearly finished his second serving" or "Genma was near finished with his second serving"
when the rain began to fall.
The insistent drizzle doused Ukyo�s campfire amid weary curses from the
chef.
Suggest: The insistent drizzle doused Ukyo's campfire amidst her weary curses.
Genma ignored these as he surveyed the surrounding area, this time
taking note of the thick vegetation. He smiled a panda smile. 'Who says
he�d only have rice today?'
"he'd"? Are you sure it's not supposed to be, 'Who says I'd only have rice today?'
series of mild expletitives.
(snickers) It should be 'expletives.' Don't stutter! :P And they shouldn't be so jealous of Genma's adaptability.
�Well, the rain�s stopped,� mumbled the chef obviously, as thefall
dissapated
Formatting error for thefall and it should be 'dissipated' not 'dissapated'
�Coming with, Ucchan?
I think you don't need the comma there. Or if you do, you should take away the 'with'.
in herimpatience.
Formatting error for herimpatience
Soughing,
Is this a typo or some word I dunno? What do you do when you sough?
the thought of having todally a moment longer. When hermidriff rumbled
Lotsa formatting errors in that line. Oh, and I don't think it's her midriff that rumbles, but instead her stomach.
'Training exercise my fanny!' Thought Ukyo gazing at the shrinking form
Suggest: "...fanny!' thought Ukyo" because 'thought' is a speech indicator (or perhaps, 'thought indicator' *shrug*)
'This's no mountain', groused Ranma to herself, as she hurried up the
hillside. 'It just looked that way from the ground'. And she had been
looking forward to a good workout to increase her appetite. At the
thought of food, the poor girl moaned piteously. She assuaged herself
with the sight of the �far-fetched� restaurant, clearly visible on a
not-too distant ridge. A nascent fantasy of steaming pork buns and
Grammar Rule #22: Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.
Following Ranma�s path up the surprisingly gentle slope, Ukyo had
quickly gained on her short opponent, her competitiveness, easily a
match for Ranchan�s hunger.
Grammar rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
In other words, suggest getting rid of the comma after the word 'competitiveness'... it ain't a parenthetical word.
She was within calling distance, when Ranma
suddenly changed direction. She ran towards two figures that Ukyo had
just noticed some hundred metres away.The
Formatting error for away.The
decidingly difficult to ignore her duty in this situation.
I'm almost certain that there's no such adverb as 'decidingly.' You're very much welcome to prove me wrong, because it'd be a handy adverb to add to my vocab once it's proved that it _is_ an actual adverb and not an imaginary one. ^^
Also, it's nice to know that Genma has instilled Martial Artist honor into Ranma... which is weird, considering the fact that Genma's the exact opposite of a Martial Artist role model.
Ukyo: Pfffft. Pop's the bad example that I don't follow.
�Gimme that!�This was punctuated with a flying kick that sent the thief
Formatting error for that!"This
as hedashed
Formatting error for hedashed
into her porridge. �When did you...hey that�s mine!�
Suggest: "When did you...? Hey, that's mine!" or "When did you... Hey, that's mine!" or "When did you... Hey! That's mine!" etc.
their gis.
And what's a gis? ?_? (suggest: their gi, since Japanese words don't have plural forms unless they're actually incorporated into the English language. AFAIK, the gi has not been incorporated into the English language such that 'gis' would be its plural form)
�Thanks god! You�re women,� he announced in Japanese.
"Thank god! You're women,"
�Keep your hands to yourself, creep!� The blinked simultaneously
They blinked
�Woah, that was...�
Suggest: "Woah. That was" or "Woah! That was"
�Beats me. After all, look at 'im, Ucchan. He�s way too grizzled to be into
perverted stuff. I mean, old guys can't be hentais, right?�
Ranma's been living in another universe other than the mangaverse to be thinking that.
as the restauranter continued his story.
I think you meant "restaurateur", but then again I could be wrong .
Calmed slightly, now that she was back in her uncursed form, the chef
There's no such word as uncursed, so why not just describe it as their normal forms?
nearly lost within a tangledmane of scarlet tresses. Seeing the two
Formatting error for tangledmane
cursed martial artists quieten, the restaurateur explained again,
I never heard of this form of 'quiet'. I dunno if it's an Americanism issue or a typo, but suggest revising 'quieten' to 'became quiet' or 'quieted down' or something. I dunno.
�At a village called Joketsuzoku, several daysjourney from...� he trailed
Formatting error for daysjourney
�This contains several bars of Jusenkyo Waterproof Soap!�
Well, ain't that convenient.
His pose wavered
when their reaction was stereo, confused blinks.
Usually, 'stereo' is used as in, "They screamed in stereo", as comparison to two twin speakers. I don't think it necessarily follows that 'stereo' can be used as a substitute of 'at the same time' or 'simultaneous' per se.
released him, as Ranma gruffly thanked him,then announced,
Formatting error for him,then
�This is perfect, Ucchan! We can use the soap to get rid of these curses
in the meantime, and �cos you�ll be back to normal, you won�t need the
whisker.� She happily declared, �It�s about time we caught a break!�
Random thought... How are they going to pay for it? Also, didn't they just 'sample' the man's products without even paying? It seems like the man is awfully generous for no good reason.
of bad news today, much like that annoying Jusenkyo Guide. �Something you two,
and any cursed person will eventually realise, is that you are essentially a
water magnet.
Ah, yes. Fandom's water magnet theory.
�You�ll see for yourselves soon enough,� he replied sympathetically. �Nothing
is the world is truly waterproof,
Nothing in the world is truly waterproof, (replace the first 'is' with 'in')
appeasingly.
And here we are again with another unknown (to me) adverb.
�While the Jusenkyo victim attracts water in their uncursed form, there
Again, suggest substituting "uncursed" with "normal". Oh, and 'form' should be plural.
keep me...' Ranma�s mouth opened in a perfect �O�.
Suggest: Ranma's mouth went agape. (This sentence formation is more 'in tune' with your very formal narrative prose than, say, the rather informal "opened in a perfect 'O'")
About Jusenkyo and curses, I mean?� she elucidated.�And the soap? Are
Hah! So another author other than me makes use of the word elucidated! ^_^
(ahem) Formatting error for elucidated."And
to have knowledge of the magics
I don't think 'magic' has a plural form.
�It�s either this, or you get to follow Pops into the ranks of the
folically challenged,� spelled out Ukyo calmly.�It�s only until we can
Okay, I never heard of 'follically' as an adverb and formatting error on calmly."It's
�_Partially!?_�
Mustachioed Man: Really now. You stole goods from we without even paying, thinking only of your stomachs.
rare serene air had befallen the city of Xining. A calmness washed over
I don't think you need the "A" in "A calmness" 'coz "Calmness washed over the hushed streets" is a perfectly readable and grammatically correct phrase.
the hushed streets, only sporadically populated now by the occasional
foraging, nocturnal animal.
IMO, you don't need the word 'now' in between the words 'populated' and 'by'. Suggest getting rid of 'now.'
tyrin'
tryin'
Yes, as a matter of fact, grammatically incorrect words used in non-standard and informal English conversation can be spelled (even more) incorrectly, ironic as it may seem. Yes, it also matters when you misspell "ain't" incorrectly. ^_^
"Hoarding a cure to yourself like that! Have I thought you nothing of
Have I taught you nothing of
munificence?"
"Munica-what?" Clenching a fist, the girl blared,
Will you look at that, even Ranma's getting into the C&Cing act! lol.
I still highly doubt that Genma would know such a word and use it in everyday conversation... generosity is a far more commonplace and simpler word, after all... but if you really must use these terms, I'll just turn the other cheek and try my very best to suspend my disbelief. Not for your sake, but for mine.
"I told ya, it ain't
a cure!" her mind drifting back to the events of the past week.
Suggest: "I told ya, it ain't a cure!" she exclaimed as her mind began drifting back to the events of the past week.
o-o-o
"I don't feel any different, 'sides still bein' a girl that is,"
admitted Ranma as she stepped back into the restaurant's main room.
I must have missed something in the rather convoluted explanation the mustached man offered in the previous chapter. I kind of get why Ranma should be the one who should stay as a girl... but it took me quite a bit, and the said explanation was no help at all. As such, could you please tweak the explanation a bit so that it can actually, oh I dunno, explain and clarify things to the reader?
The cursed pair left after purchasing some supplies from the restaurant,
which they packed along with Ranma's special soap.
So where'd they get the money to buy the stuff?
Genma: Pffft. Easy. Umisenken and Yamasenken, anyone?
Ukyo: Nani?! Dorobo! Saite!
Ranma: >_< Kuso oyaji.
"I can't believe after everything, the old geezer charged us for supplies,"
Mustachioed Man: Oh please. It's not like stealing food is something that should be rewarded.
on an experimental new sake okonomiyaki, thathad pretty much eroded the
Formatting error for thathad
She wondered if it was being kept in good condition. Some friends of
her family back in Tottori had agreed to look after it, but not
being Kuonji's
"Kuonji's" is not the plural form of "Kuonji". If you really have to pluralize a name of something, just add an 's' or 'es' after it (i.e., the Kuonjis)
"That's exactly what I mean, Ranchan! You were about to say dresses,
weren't you?" She took Ranma's silence as confirmation. "Ranchan,
school uniforms aside, when was the last time you saw me in a dress?"
Ranma: Toma!
Ukyo: Who?
Ranma: The Christmas Special!
Ukyo: Where?
"I really don't remember, Ucchan," seemingly coddled.
Suggest: "I really don't remember, Ucchan," Ranma admitted, seemingly coddled.
And isn't 'coddled' supposed to mean 'pampered'? Or is it a colloquial thing yet again, like 'retort' somehow getting the meaning of (and I don't know how, for the life of me) 'loud sound'?
Ranma contemplated the chef standing before her.
Ranma (thought for all of two seconds): Yep.
Ukyo: JACKASS!
Oh, and congratulations fic! ^^ You didn't gratuitously use 'jackass' in the entirety of this chapter! :) If only the same can be said for the thesaurus words...
She stared, quite tempted
to punch herself. After all, how is a person supposed to explain that
they'd only really realised that their best friend was a girl after she'd
been cursed to turn into a man?
Eh? Didn't she already realize that waaaaay back in the bath scene in chapter one? Or were they already teenagers by the time they got to the bath? (which means that, for good or for ill, they're really stinky and/or Ranma's really stupid)
Its not everyday one has an epiphany,
and most people aren't exactly prepared to deal with them (noting
that in this set of circumstances, some might consider Ranma's
epiphany to be less an intuitive revelation, and more a discontinuation
of stupidity. But one must digress).
I'll let the author digression slide this time since you did use it in moderation... somewhat.
Ranma had always (okay, almost always) at least intellectually known
that his companion was a girl. Somehow, he'd never made the connection
of Ukyo Kuonji technically being a girl to his best friend Ucchan being
one.
Ah yes... the bane of the R&U 'ship lovers out there. Almost as much of a bane as 'violent bickering' is to all those R&A 'ship lovers out there.
Despite evidence to the contrary, Ranma did understand the
significance of the commitment involved in being engaged. And
like a winning streak in Tetris, more pieces were falling into
place,
O_O
My God, that's an out-of-place comparison in prose if I ever did see one.
Grammar rule # 15: Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
only flummox the brunette furthur, Ranma decided it was time to
Change furthur to further
begin living up toher promises of revenge. She flashed the chef a
Formatting error for toher
dazzling smile.
Ukyo: (grumble) Hey! Enough of the fanboy service! I wanna see male Ranma and his cute bu--lovely pectorals!
Ukyo blink-blinked.
Shades of Kenko-style fandom terms in there... ^_-
Saotome's shoulders. "Ucchan, you okay?" The chef nodded shakily."Anyway,
Formatting error for shakily."Anyway
"Newsflash,"Ukyo replied flatly. "That what you are for the time being,"
Formatting error for "Newsflash,"Ukyo
Hmmm... The formatting errors are dwindling, which is good. Hope it's nonexistent by the seventh chapter.
long?" She looked down to realise that she was still jabbing Ranma's
chest, who was blushing crimson. "Er..." she pulled away her hand and
joined her fianc�e in reddening. "Okay?"
Fanboys: (a la Homer) WOO-HOO!
"Ucchan," began Ranman, her blush receding as her stubborn streak
asserted itself, "if it's the discomfort,"
"Pain," corrected Ukyo carefully.
"Pain," rectified Ranma, "that you're worried about, it don't matter.
Very good, Ukyo. Do my job fer me. ^_^
I'm a martial artist. I can stand a little -" She didn't complete her
sentence, interrupted as she was by Ukyo shaking her bodily.
Suggest: If 'bodily' was meant to describe 'shaking', then put the word before 'shaking'... because it sounds like a dangling sentence otherwise.
"Listen, buster! We're not going to be out in the wilderness forever,"
she exclaimed waving a hand at their surroundings, "and do you plan to
she exclaimed, waving
"Course not!" replied Ranma appalled with the suggestion.
replied Ranma, appalled
"It is to laugh."Sighing,she asked,"Why didn't we just cut my hair shorter?"
Lotsa formatting errors. And I find the 'It is to laugh' line OOC for Ranma, IMO.
"And me miss a chance to style such silky locks?" Ukyo replied in
mock jealousy.
"Would you _please_ be serious?"
Ukyo: Nonsense, you looked gorgeous in "Nihao, My Concubine!" I can't wait! (glee)
Ranma: -_-
The brunette chortled as her short fianc�e grumbled in that cute manner
she was becoming accustomed to.
I myself only use 'chortled' when I've been particularly overusing the word 'chuckled'. As far as I can see, you haven't been using 'chuckle' at all in your fic. Suggest substituting 'chuckle' for a bit before using 'chortle'.
"Seriously though, Ranchan. With our hair at this length, we'll be able
to go at that spatula-braid style for real. Andthat will be fun," she
Formatting error for Andthat
about that. Good thinkn', Ucchan," she complimented.
Suggest: Good thinkin', Ucchan," she complimented.
it up first. The waterproof soap, they resolved, would have to be
kept secret at all costs.
Well, so much for that. I don't see why this part should be a flashback. After all, if the events were put in chronological order, the story would be keeping more surprises.
we're gone."Genma took on an aghast mien of surprise at this questioning
Formatting error for gone."Genma
Finding his tear ducts strained (he never could compare to Tendo),
Er, at this point, you're using the asides captioned by parentheses a bit too much. Suggest putting them into the prose so they won't stick out so much and junk.
he
pulled himself together and looked up, expecting his charges to have
left so he could help himself to some supplies. Instead, he found an
angrily glaring teenager. Her unsettling resemblance to another
significant redhead in his life did nothing to hearten him,
When was Nodoka ever a redhead?
Genma: In "Genma's Daughter" when she was younger?
still hungry, why don't'cha turn into a panda an' eat some shrubs
I think you should separate "don't" and "'cha"
experience with the spatula, Ukyo had been coming out the victor.
away off the ground in hopes of dislodging the tangled braids, but had
Er, do you need the period after the word 'victor'? There's a fragment of a sentence in the next line.
instead sent her larger fianc�e spinning above her in a dizzying circle.
Never one to allow a little disorientation to come in the way of sparring,
Ukyo had continued to dual with her opponent matching spatula for spatula.
Change dual to duel
The real fun began when Ukyo landed and sent Ranma skyward with a mighty
heft of her own braid. This littlebout of tit- for-tat had gone on for
Formatting error for littleabout
"I know," breathed back Ukyo whimsically; "Maybe I'll start calling you
Rapunchan,"
(wince) Good lord, no.
she laughed at her own joke. Ranma quirked her lips in
puzzlement, completely missing the reference. Ukyo rolled her eyes at
this. "As in 'Rapunzel'." Ranma nodded, then frowned,
"No idea."
"She was a fairytale princess," winked Ukyo. Ranma shook her head.
Killjoy Nitpick: Osaka residents have more access to gaijin fairytales than their city counterparts? ?_? I admit, Ranma should have no idea, but Ukyo? When did she read about Rapunzel and why? Doesn't Japan have its own fill of fairytales?
"Pity _our_ tale resembles something H.P. Lovecraft would'a written
while high."
People excuse the use of these Western Pop Culture references in mostly anime/manga-inspired fanfic as 'meant for an English audience'.
W-ell, I personally find it rather weird to see all these contrasting elements together in a fic. In any case, I personally can't stomach a more westernized version of essentially Japanese characters (I hated Mulan's westernization of the ancestral spirits too). Like adding chocolate to pork rinds, it is.
Batter & Curses fans: Boo! Hiss! Go away, you wet blanket spoilsport!
this particular style made the bald martial artist feel bitter for some
incomprehensible reason.
Genma: Right. Of course. Incomprehensible. (grumbles)
Damn it, did those twoonly ever talk about martial arts? He should be
Formatting error for twoonly
proud and all, but still, they were keeping a secret from him. He had
an odd feeling that it might be of significance to him in some fashion,
as he pictured his son's flowing locks twirling about at will during
the spar. He woke with a start himself from the daydream, which had
shifted to he himself sparring with a head full of long silky black
hair.
I dunno about you, Mr. Saotome, but seeing you with long locks doesn't seem to suit you at all.
Genma: Quiet, you!
Dedication to the Art, Genma liked, dedication that led to Ukyo and
Suggest: Splitting the sentence in two by turning the comma after the word 'liked' to a period.
Ranma tiring themselves out to the point where he was the first up and
as such had to make breakfast, he most certainly did not. Grousing to
himself as he heat up some water, and prepared the few ingredients that
himself as he heated up some water,
Ukyo (such an ungrateful child) hadalloted him, Genma decided that in
Formatting error for hadalloted
then he'd be a man among men, and no katanas
Again with the plural Japanese words... though I _think_ this time it might be technically correct, since it _may_ have been adapted into the English language like the term 'tsunami'. (shrugs)
"Ranchan,"she spoke reassuringly."I know. You've been complaining
Lotsa formatting errors.
Decloaking himself from the Umi-senken, he moved away undetected.
He had some soap to find.
Genma: So much for sealing them... Wait, why did I seal them again? ?_?
smile which had graduated from sly to sinister.
(graduation music/Macho Man's entrance theme)
Fate: (hands diploma to sly/Sylvester Stallone)
Sly: (graduates to sinister)
o-o-o
As good a tracker as Shampoo was, she was under no illusions.
Under no illusions of what? (dangling sentence)
muscled boy who fit Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung's description
Refresh my memory... Who are Ling-Ling and Lung-Lung?
All she had to do was question the male, and find where in Japan her
husband resided, go there, kill the baggage, woo her husband and bring
him home, and accept her tribe's adulation for upholding the Laws of the
Joketsuzoku. Simple...
But why did she feel that ominous shiver run down her spine?
Shampoo: Ack! Stupid not-pig-anymore boy! We in Dubai!
I'll be frank... while the earlier chapter was indeed mildly amusing to me, this one left me hanging, and not in a good way. Not as bad as how I irritating I found "Love Hina Redux" or how cliched I found "To be Tomboy" or how boring I found "Hybrid Theory" (an example of how even a supposedly well-researched, well-characterized, and well-written fiction can all be for naught for a reader who can't find the fun factor in it at all), but these last few chapters were still quite ho-hum to me. IMO, there wasn't much of anything incredibly interesting happening, only fanservicey interplay between Ranma and Ukyo that I suppose only the most die-hard of R&U fans could appreciate. Simply put, the fanservice in this chapter affected me not.
Oh, and the unfamiliar vocabulary words here have been upped a notch such that every last simple word in the fic have been replaced by words like pusillanimous, munificence, restaurateur, nascent, assuaged, modicum, flummoxed, slattern, etc. I mean, peppering your prose with these babies at the right place and time makes for a tighter, more professional read, but adding them gratuitously to the narrative is waaaay too much for the reader (i.e. me) to take... And too much of anything, good or bad, is bad, I believe.
Oh, and despite your rather large and extensive vocabulary, you have misspelled several words that I'm fairly sure isn't covered by the 'Americanism' or 'Colloquialism' disclaimer (Soapbox: Geez, isn't it a general rule to leave out _colloquialisms_ in writing because they aren't applicable to every last English-speaking area/country/continent? It's grammar rule # 30, "Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms", even!) Then there were the unfamiliar adverbs that left me wondering if they should be adverbs... Don't even get me started with Fate! -_-
Also, you've mentioned in your reply to the previous C&C that, "Examine the later chapters I've posted to the FFML, and you'll find that I 'sorted out' that annoyance [of formatting errors]." Apparently, these aren't the later chapters you speak of, because these chapters are actually worse than the first three chapters. Hopefully, once I complete the C&Cing of chapter 7, there won't be any more of these formatting errors, 'coz half of the time I lose track of the story by keeping track of the errors.
My unfortunate prediction would be that there will be even more fanservice I could care less about and more thesaurus words to look forward to in chapter 7. _But_ I will concede that though I've read little to nothing of anything interesting in this fic, interesting is a relative word. I'm sure that, judging by how many people have reviewed this fic in FF.net, lots of people don't mind the issues I found jarring about your fic. Hell, they probably believe that these very issues are your fic's good points (the thesaurus words and the fanservice, I mean, not the dangling sentences and use of adverbs that may not actually be adverbs). In any case, good for them and good for you, 'coz Ranma-chan fanservice coupled with Ukyo worship (that I've seen done and overdone) just isn't my thing. Obviously, pleading you to change the content of your fic for my sake will disappoint a lot of readers that already like it as is, so it would be highly pointless for me to do so.
On the other hand, I'm still willing to help lend a hand on stuff that _can_ be changed in your fic... Namely, grammar and perhaps helping you make your narrative simpler and readable. I mean, I myself love using some of the words you use, but if you permit to adapt your writing enough that it'd read simply yet professionally I believe it'd do your fic a world of good. I won't promise to not complain about the lack of (what I believe as) conflict in chapter 7, but I will promise that I'd tone it down enough so that my C&C will actually be of some help.
In any case, ignore my 'caustic' comments if you'd like. ;) I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. If you found my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing, as well as C&Cing. That's my two cents. Abdiel out.
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