On 7/21/05, hkmiller <hkmiller@theeddy.com> wrote:
Exceedingly interesting. The best parts of this one seem to me more
evocative than your earlier experimental
story "I Am Become", but like that earlier work, I find it hard to stop
reading this whenever I start.
I like to think that I'm starting to develop better command of the
style. And not going into psychotic episodes as deeply (the
inspiration tends to come from those).
But I'm glad that you seem to have enjoyed it. :)
Her queen's final words to her echoed. That order to maintain what
could, and carry on to the future.
I think you're missing either a "she" between "what" and "could", or a
"be maintained" after the "could".
Oops. >_<
heh. Third time through, that last sentence is... interesting. Setsuna
knows _exactly_ what she's sentencing Ranma to...
Yep. There's only two things that Setsuna doesn't know, and they both
show up in the end. :)
I think you want "he would shape him".
Indeed! Not an alt, where Nodoka trained Ranma. That would be quite
a different fic.
"That ain't it!" he protested, shaking his head. "Look, Ucchan,
you're my friend, and one of my better friend's at-" He cut off
suddenly, eyes widening as he gasped, reeling as though physically
struck. "No," he breathed shakily. "Saffron!"
Yes, the "Dies Irae" influence is very evident here...
It seemed a good starting point for this happy tale.
Again, interesting parallels... except that Setsuna can't be sure she's
being loyal; Serenity the
elder never knew what measures Setsuna would have to take, and Setsuna
won't tell Serenity
the younger. So Setsuna is thinking there's more parallel here than
there is.
I'm trying to hint that despite everything, Setsuna never stopped
loving (and to a strong degree, idolizing) her husband.
What had he seen? He had seen the clouds of smoke, he decided,
nothing more. Surely, the smoke would prevent him from seeing any
buildings. He set down the body-- He unburdened himself, and opened
his eyes again.
Extremely effective passage, I thought. As are the next few pages.
Thank you -- oddly, those scenes have had no revision from the
original draft, where most others have.
Go figure. :p
Ami heaved a shuddering sigh, and glanced at the boy. He rose from
the body, and stared at Setsuna, his eyes hard. "Last time," he
growled, "I had a magic staff. I can't do this. Not alone."
Something's going on here, though exactly what is (deliberately?)
unclear. Why would Ranma
direct this comment to Setsuna? Or admit there's anything he can't do
alone, to strangers?
Does he dimly recognize his wife from a former life, perhaps?
Setsuna is the only one who's really been speaking to him so far, and
she (somehow) already knew his name. That's where it begins. There
is recognition, but Setsuna tries to be cold enough to avoid him
falling in love with her, since that would run counter to her plan.
Hence the proxy of the PDA she gives him later.
For Usagi, of course, this is no choice at all; she can't see anyone
(well, okay, any _human_) perish.
Yesh.
The woman halted, one foot across a line of rubble leading deeper
Heh. So Setsuna has one foot over the line, does she? Oh, I think
Usagi might judge it to be somewhat more than that!
I'll ... agree!
The Guardians were needed, because we were soldiers, but not warriors.
We had those who fought before us, and we supported. You won't
remember this ... not yet. But their spirits were not close to the
Queen, and they were left behind."
This assertion was not swallowed easily, by the way, but it did go down.
That is a relief. Didn't want to spend too long explaining and trying
to justify it, as it would detract from the largely emotional flow of
the story thus far.
But. If you can think of anything that might make it go down a bit easier...?
"You," he said flatly.
"A dark day, son-in-law," she said quietly.
Nice scene, again. It makes both logical and story sense for Cologne to
be the other
survivor.
It was her or Happi, and getting Happi into this role would stretch
the belivability even more. Truth of the matter is, now that I think
about it, Ranma's almost the only male character in this fic. Tux
gets a line, as Ranma notices him, and Genma manages to see his death
approaching, but that's about the extent of it. Oh, and 'Shiro-kun'
got an off-screen beat-down.
He nodded, reaching into the ashes, and pulling out the Tendo family
naganita, miraculously unscathed from the flame.
Unless I'm missing something... you never even hinted a a reason why it
was unscathed, did you?
There was a segment where Setsuna gave it to a young Tendo Masamichi
in the 1500s, but it ended up looking kind of awkward.
He ran into her just after he'd passed the remnants of the dojo,
while he was in the shadow of a partially remaining wall. For a
moment, he considered trying to speak to her. To ask her what she'd
done. To ask what _he'd_ done.
Some part of Ranma definitely knows Setsuna. This is not the behavior
he'd shown to a someone
he suspects of maneuvering him into grabbing the glaive; some part of
him is utterly certain that her
meddling goes much, much deeper than that.
Well, no one _told_ him to say he was the Guardian of Saturn, so we
can guess that it affected him, since he knew to say so anyway. He
later comments (in his PoV, not to another character) that he's never
taken Pluto's power, and he never tried to take Saturn's again,
either.
"...few survivors. Currently, authorities are investigating the
whereabouts of this 'Saotome Ranma'. If you see anyone matching this
description...." And then it cut to a shot of his form, blurry, and
>from a great distance, purple cloak flaring behind him, weapon in his
hands flexing like a yari as he whipped it about, forming spirals of
shadow all about Saffron.
Somewhat of a guess on the authorities' part, unless Saffron was yelling
more than you
showed us. What ties the name Saffron came looking for to his eventual
nemesis? Particularly
when the Sailor Senshi were also around?
They don't know the Senshi's civilian names, though. Technically,
they don't know that the 'Guardian of Saturn' was 'Saotome Ranma'.
But they know that Ranma was involved, so he's wanted for questioning.
She shivered, and then someone sat down at the table next to her,
pointing a remote control and changing the channel to sports news.
Swallowing, Ranma turned to confront the woman who had offered her the
magical staff again. "Why won't you leave me alone?" she sighed.
And Ranma must be immune, one way or another, to the Senshi's glamour,
as I doubt Setsuna entered this teahouse wearing her fuku.
Missed the line about him recognizing her chi. Added to adjust.
Then reconsidered. It ain't really broken, prolly best to not fix it. �_�
The Guardian probably _should_ be immune, at least....
"I'm sure," she murmured. "Give up your name. Find a new one. I
don't care what it is -- you're a wanted criminal now.
A conscious exaggeration on Setsuna's part? A wanted material witness,
certainly; but what crime could Ranma be charged with at this point?
Yeah, she's exaggerating. There's no crime I know of (unless Nerima
civil code has a clause saying begining, "In the case that a resident
of the city attracts an angry phoenix-god from China" (which, being
Nerima is a distinct possibility)) that they'd charge him with. They
have no real way to connect the Guardian with Ranma beyond guesswork,
but that's hardly scientific, and certainly not enough to pin a crime
on someone.
Rei wasn't certain how to answer that question. Minako hazarded, "Who's that?"
I read this to say that Rei was aware, either from her sight of the eyes
or from the feel of Makoto's aura,
that this person might not be Makoto; Minako also might be aware that
something's off. Usagi, on the other hand...
That's about right.
"What is your life, Ukyou, beyond Ranma?
A very good question...
Kinda harsh, though.
"Gotta get better at using this," he said, twirling the Tendo family
naganita absently. "Is this one gonna be good?"
(sp) naginata
Dangit. Internet says I made common mispelling.
*Beats on MS word's dictionaries*
He swallowed, and let tears flow down his face. "You're the ones I
never truly let go of," he whispered. "You're Akane. And Nabiki.
Kasumi. Tendo-san. Pop. Mom." He sniffled, and shoveled dirt in,
working on filling in the hole. "You're my old life," he said. "But
I'm still me. And Cologne said sometimes.... Some parts of your past
you have to let go of."
Another very effective scene.
Thank you.
"I did not ... but I've grown to love her. Some day ... I believe I
will love her more than you. Some day ... perhaps you will love
another more than I." Then he kissed her on the cheek. And they
broke apart from one another, the dance ended.
"No!" Setsuna sobbed. "Not like this!"
Nice irony here.
Had to rewrite this scene eight times to get it right.
I wish I had _planned_ on that when I called it [ eight dances ]. -_-
But I'm glad it worked! :D
A very compelling and absorbing read; thanks for writing and sharing!
And I'm glad you enjoyed it! I have a feeling that aside from Power
and Responsibility, a Ryuu Kumon-centric work I've been cludging at
for about three years, this will probably be the last surreal fic I
write. I'd better not promise to that, though. But this one
certainly seems to have gotten _something_ out of my system....
Well, bottom line, no thanks neccessary; I love writing, which is (I
hope) reason enough to keep doing it. ;)