<snip>

CHAPTER SEVEN:

"Okay, we're here!" Akane announced, as she lead Nabiki and Ranma
into the gravel storage lot. It was fairly large, with a small building

on

one end, several large piles of gravel in various grades, and even a

few

hills of black asphalt. A simple chainlink fence surrounded the whole
lot, but the gate consisted solely of a chain hanging across the
driveway with a sign that said 'closed' hanging from the middle of it.
There did not seem to be anyone there at the moment.

The first occurance of "there" confuses the use of the second. Suggest:

There did not seem to be anyone there at the moment. -> No one seemed to
be there at the moment.

<snip>

"Nabiki, the only video games I ever got to play were Pac-Man,
Zaxxon, and Gallaxian," Ranma explained. "Although I had gotten
rather good at Martial Arts Pinball before Pop made me quit. He
said that if I was getting so lazy as to let some blind boy beat me in
a tournament, I could be doing other things to improve my hand-eye
co-ordination. Too bad though, the kid was a really cool customer, a
regular pinball wizard! I'd have liked to challenge him again. Didn't
seem to be all there though..."

Akane and Nabiki just stared at the largish azure rodent ...

And his wild references to American rock music...

extra space before the ellipsis.

<snip>

Finally reaching a good spot, Shin suddenly raked his fingernails
across a random pedestrian's face, drawing blood, which he then
smeared on the tag he had placed on the back of a street sign.

The woman's screams were unimportant at this point. Shin had to
book least whatever showed up decided that he'd make a nice snack...

O O O

Akane and Nabiki had both set down their backpacks and moved
off a bit so that they could try powering up for the first time in the
lot when they heard a woman's scream. Sparing Ranma a quick
glance, the girls saw his quick nod, just before the large blue
kangaroo rat bounded off towards the source of the scream at
a considerable clip.

"Right," Nabiki stated seriously. "Let's do this!"

"BISHOJO MAGICAL FIRE HENSHIN!" Akane yelled, posing
dramaticly, triggering her transformation.

dramaticly -> dramatically

"Whatever," Nabiki responded, slapping a hand to her face in
embarrassment at her sister's antics, although she too transformed.

Hand slap to the face transformation, go!

Regardless of their divergent methodology, both girls felt that the
problem was urgent. Perhaps, then, that is why they had BOTH
triggered the expediant rapid versions of their transformations.

expediant rapid -> more expedient
(spelling, and these two words have pretty much the same meaning)

Akane was once again shrouded by a brief, expaning pillar of

expaning -> expanding

flames, while Nabiki was briefly encased in a fast growing collumn

collumn -> column

of ice which promptly exploded into steam and ice shards.

The two magical girls hit the ground running, in costume and powers
ready to go.

O O O

H'rys eyed it's surroundings warily. R'hul would have gone to ground

it's -> its

almost imediately, but H'rys did not have that luxury. Its job was to

imediately -> immediately

cause trouble and then see who or what responded. This was to be
the first of many such probes into the local defences. H'rys's personal

defences -> defenses

<snip>

Despite Ranma's best efforts, Akane was actually the first to reach
the scene. Although he supposed that the blazing trail she left in her
wake would be easy to follow. Good thing it was flickering out almost
as fast as it had been ignited, or Nabiki would lag even further behind
as she would have otherwise had to extinguish the flames. Not that

(Hunh?)

as fast as it had been ignited, or Nabiki would lag even further behind
as she would have otherwise had to extinguish the flames. -->

as fast as it had been ignited, or Nabiki would have lagged even further
behind than she would have otherwise, having to extinguish the flames en
route.

the elder sister was currently slow by any common measure, as the

was -> was not

pace she was setting would have been challenging for any olympic
runner. Ranma, on the other hand, was actually built for speed, as
nobody beat 'roos (even small ones) at the long fast haul.

Except flaming speedster apprentices...

"Ewww..." Akane focussed her attention first on the apparent cause
of the disturbance. In this case a ten foot tall squid-faced humanoid

disturbance. In this case -> disturbance, in this case

youma that looked like it couldn't decide whether it was male or

female.

It had features appropriate for both genders. Quite prominent features
at that, and rather more than simply numerous. Besides those
appendages, there was the usual assortment of limbs, having as it
did, arms and legs ending in talloned hands and feet. Actually, on
closer inspection, most of the far, FAR too many tentacles seemed to
be proper tentacles, just like those on a real squid or octopus. And
what Akane had first taken as more feminine features seemed to be
organs for spewing acidic inky liquid instead.

spewing acidic inky liquid -> spewing an acidic inky liquid

(and... EWW!)

Okay, so it wasn't a tentacle rape demon. It was, however, causing
havok, terrorizing people, and very very slimey. As it was about to

slimey -> slimy

lash out at another person trying desperately to get away, Akane
decided to take action!

(could drop the exclamation point, not have to, but could)

FWOOM!

The creature's excresions turned out to be surprizingly flammable.

excresions -> excretions
surprizingly -> surprisingly
(You know, I hate that word. It took me three years to spell it right.)

O O O

Nodoka stared at her husband incredulously. What Genma had told
her of the training trip so far was turning out to be hard to take. Oh,
to be sure, most of it was quite normal, consisting of a sensei
seeking ever more challenging obsticals for a promising student,

obsticals -> obstacles

and much of that spoke rather well of her husband and son. It was
the other parts that were bothering Nodoka. How, in the names of all
the kami, was Genma expecting Ranma to fulfil the multiple marriage
promises he had made for his son?

A trip to Kinko's? Poof! Multiple Ranmas!

At the very least, Nodoka would have expected Genma to stop home
from time to time in an effort to produce more heirs after making such
boneheaded mistakes. Or perhaps gone through the effort to adopt
more sons to fulfil the need.

fulfil -> fulfill

Hearing about the horrors of the Neko-Ken from her husbands own

husbands -> husband's
(Freudian slip, anyone?)

lips left Nodoka with an icey pit of fear in her stomach. Where was

icey -> icy

Ranma? Why wasn't he here? What had happened to their only
child that Genma would come home alone to bear the sole weight of
her judgment on his vow to turn Ranma into a Man among Men?

Oh Kami-sama, what had happened to her little boy?

O O O

H'rys was only mildly irritated at this turn of events. Sure, the fire
elemental had seered away most of its thinner tentacles in its initial
attack, and it had been forced to draw its acidic poison glands back
into its body to prevent any more of them from exploding, but over
all, the situation didn't appear to be too bad. Fire elementals may be
strong in their particular field, but they also had some pretty severe
weeknesses.

weeknesses -> weaknesses

And these humans, like those on so many other worlds, liked to keep
pleanty of water handy.

Noting that the little elemental seemed to have been summoned in
the form of a human female, and that it was trying to fight physically,
H'rys relaxed a bit. Whoever had summoned the elemental was either
inexperienced in utilizing such to their best effect or was worried
about collateral damage. Electing to have an elemental attack via
some form of fighting art was novel, but whoever was controlling
the fire elemental was obviously unused to the speed and
manueverability their creation had.

Distracting the dancing elemental with a few feignts of its own, H'rys
discretely reached a couple of largish tentacles back and grabbed
ahold of...

No, a waste receptical was not what it was reaching for. That just
added fuel to the little one. How had that gotten in the way anyway?

Glancing back for a moment to be sure that their was nothing else
between it and its target, H'rys once again turnned its attention

turnned -> turned

<snip>

Hey, Nabiki showed up! And she's taking stock of the situation before
getting involved.

And she's taking stock -> And she was
(tense slip)

The largish azure kangaroo rat placed another bag of groceries
between the fire hydrant and the creature's seeking tentacles before
hopping off to help advise his other charge towards a suitable course
of action that wouldn't interfere with her sister...

O O O

Nabiki's mind realed. There was Akane, fighting a giant squidfaced

realed -> reeled
squidfaced -> squid-faced

youma, as if she were some hyped up little superball bouncing here
there and everywhere as she attacked, dodged, and feinted. Nabiki
would have been really impressed if Akane didn't look like she was
half out of control for most of it.

Akane: Whee! Wheeeeee!
Nabiki: Focus, Akane, focus!
Akane: Sorry!

<snip>

Disgust rapidly became helpless anger, which turned to impotent fury...

Which gave way to to reckless rage!

With a roar not unlike the crashing of a tsunami during a coastal
monsoon, Nabiki charged into battle!

(drop exclamation point. My perference would be to drop the first one
and leave the second intact)

END CHAPTER SEVEN

OMAKE THEATER PRESENTS: Gone far too long...

(see corrections above to the relevant parts of this scene)

<snip>

Who in their right mind would agree to name their son Chaos Demon?
Unless Genma meant Wild Horse instead?

Eh...well, there's a funny story about that...

<snip>

Okay, H'rys could admit to itself that perhaps it had made a mistake
in trying to provoke the other magical girl. Granted, even as
overpowered as the attacks were, they were barely under control,
had no finnesse to them, and were actually easy to dodge, block,
or parry. Granted, with as much unaccountable momentum as the
female was putting into her strikes, it preferred to dodge or parry,
saving the blocks for last resorts.

resorts -> resort

<snip>

"Yes, Sensei," Akane nodded sheepishly.

"Now lets go save Nerima from that rampage, okay?," Ranma
suggested. Then, with a smirk, he continued, "We might as
well stop Squidface from destroying Nerima too, while we're
at it."

O_O Ranma trying to _stop_ a rampage through Nerima?! Will wonders never
cease?

"Yes, Sensei!" Akane agreed, picking up the pace. Then she
realized something. "Hey! Are you calling my sister a monster!?"

"No," Ranma stated, earning a sharp nod from Akane. "I'm
saying that she's on a rampage. Look around you, Sparky.
Does any of this damage look like it was caused by tall dark
and octopuss-like?"

octopuss -> octopuss

<snip>

"So, in the dead of the night, I used every technique I could
remember from the dread Master's teachings, and made my

dread -> dreaded

<snip>

"He will be staying there as I try to search for either a cure or for
the conditions under which he may be returned to his humanity,"
Genma confirmed. "Nabiki, who was able to draw the elemental
power of water from Ranma's token, treats our son as a person,
and seems to be his current chosen warrior. Akane, Nabiki's
younger sister, drew fire, and seems to consider our son to be her
sensei. Either one should make a fine wife for our son once he
regains his humanity."

Yeah, just save the world from Lovecraftian demons the neitherworld, and
he'll be human just like that! No problem, nosirree, no problem at all.

<snip>

The sudden appearance of the guardian beast, now flaming,
between it and the hybrids gave H'rys only a moment's pause.
Such a tiny flame would be easy to extinguish. Oh, how cute! It
looked like it was about to attack. This should be amusin-

Ouch. I don't think H'rys is going to like what's in store for him.

O O O

Akane turned arround at Sensei's roar, so much louder than his

arround -> around

small size would suggest was possible. As she stood stunned,
with her exhausted sister in her arms, Akane could only stare in
awe at the trailing end of Sensei's breath of fire. The only sign
of the youma was a dark carbon shadow on a now glassy and
smouldering pile of gravel...

"Sensei..."

"Let's go home, Sparky," Ranma stated as he quickly spotted
the two packs the girls had brought along. "This place is
probably going to get a lot of attention neither of you are
ready for yet pretty soon. Training's done for the day."

ready for yet pretty soon. -> ready for yet.

<snip>

The humanoid typhoon, Nabiki the Stampede, last remaining
servant of the Chaos Demon Ranma...

Coming soon, to Omake Theater!

<snip>

Whatever response Akane was going to give was cut short when
Nakiki glomped onto her and began wailing. "WAAAAAAHHH!
I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! WAAAAAAHHH!"

BUWAHAHAHAHA!

I like this Nabiki!

Akane's hair toinged out of place here and there as her sister

hair toinged out of place -> hair 'toinged' out of place

<snip>

"Husband," Nodoka began formally, once Genma had finished
his tale, stated his plans, and presented himself for judgement.
"You have come to me, bearing a tremendous burden of  guilt
for your actions against our son, Ranma. You have done deeds,
both petty and grave, that have put the honor of both our son
and our family at risk. And you have led our son to a training
ground where his very humanity was stolen from him. For any
of this I could condemn you, and possibly our son as well, and
either have you thrown out of the clan or called upon to fulfil
your pledge to its fullest extent. And yet..."

fulfil -> fulfill

<snip>

"And you'll get much more than that if I find out that this
multiple fiancee thing is some sort of perverted tradition of
the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts! Don't think that
I've forgotten about Otsuko, Genma!"

"Yes, Dear... I mean NO, Dear, it's not a tradition of the School..."

"OR Hitomi!"

"But Nodoka, Sweety, that was years ago! Decades even!"

Heh. Genma takes his knocks well. And it takes a brave man to argue with
a scorned woman holding a katana.

<snip>

"I will do my best, Mr. Tendo," Ranma stood as straight as he
could, and then bowed as best as he was able. "I will not fail
your trust."

Hrm... I would be surprised if Soun did not at least take on an
assisting role in the future. Indeed, it seems that this is what his
character is being set up for in this scene.

<snip>

R'hul pondered his new appearance in the bathroom mirror. He
had a gender now, and had selected a more or less bishonen
appearance based on his chief minion's opinion that many of the
local females liked that look and would thus be disarmed by his
new form. He missed his tentacles though.  And despite the
assurances of his minion, he was not sure having multiple deep
purple gelled spikes projecting from his black hairdo was going
to "Get him all the chicks."

Heh. A YGO reference? ... Unique.

<snip>

Kasumi woke up a bit later to find that Ranma was still asleep, so
she carefully set him on her bed as she got up. After getting dressed,
she gently carried him back to the guest room and placed him back
on his little futon, none the wiser for having helped her return to the
safe and carefree nights of her childhood.

Training away from home for ten years...getting turned into a magical
creature to battle demons...getting snuggled tightly in the bossom of a
young girl every night...

Lucky bastard.

<snip>

"Big sister's been borrowing Ranma at night for her cuddle-buddy,
just like a stuffed animal," Nabiki explained.  A tiny smirk worked its
way past her stern expression.  "And without his knowledge or
consent, either.  Sis, I'm surprised at you."

Kasumi: Well, he's better in bed than either of you two are!

Mm... limy freshness!

<snip>

Kasumi got up from her sewing project to answer the door. "Oh,
Uncle Saotome! We were wondering when you would get back.
We thought that you had only gone out to check the local temples
and shrines yesterday." She wondered who the lady accompanying
Genma was. She seemed nice enough, and very proper, although
Kasumi wasn't sure how to take the wrapped katana the woman
carried.

Firmly, with both hands and a carefully measured bow.

<snip>

"That would be fine, Kasumi," Nodoka nodded as she removed
her geta (wooden sandals) and placed them carefully in the
getabako (shoe cupboard) of the genkan (entranceway).

These could probably be moved to end-of-chapter notes.

<snip>

was always something lacking in the essence of such creatures
flesh that more intelligent animals such as humans almost always
had. His kind could starve to death on full bellies if they limited

had. -> ate.
(? not sure how 'had' is being used here)

<snip>

In the meantime though, he had much to learn about the curious
innovations the local animals had come up with. Technology was
turning out to be a fascinating subject, but none of his minions
could explain how any of this new magic worked. He'd have to find
a technomancer and convince the mage to divulge the secrets of
this new spellcraft.

That's a dangerous task there. Listening to an engineer explain how
things work is a good way to get your brain melted. :)

<snip>

"We're Home!" the two called out together, not quite in sync with

Home -> home
(does not need to be capitalized in this instance)

each other as they removed their shoes. They noticed an extra pair
of well made but somewhat faded and worn wooden geta in the

I think that geta are, by definition, wooden shoes. If that's the case,
'wooden' is redundant.

<snip>

"I come with an instruction manual!?" the diminutive magical rodent
exclaimed in wide-eyed shock. "What am I? A freaking radio or
something?"

Coming to an electronics store near you...

<snip>

Selecting a load of birch to settle on, mostly because she could easily

I'm surprised this train isn't shipping around a bunch of bamboo. This
_is_ China, after all.

<snip>

Sure, she had nothing to be ashamed of as far as her appearance,
and the Nichieju were hardly body shy, but there were limits. With
luck, her Great Grandmother would never hear of this incident...

Ten minutes later:
Ku Lon: (reading the spy report, shaking a fist in anger) GRANDDAUGHTER!

<snip>

"Hi, Mom," Ranma waved casually at the woman seated by his father.

I give you Ranma Saotome, Master of the Oblivious.

<snip>

Despite all of her mental preparation for this very moment, Nodoka
fainted at the sight of the large blue mouse that was her son...

(no need for ellipsis here)

<snip>

O O O

Nabiki turned her head and looked at Ranma as he stood statue-like
on her shoulders. Wait, forget statue-like. He WAS a statue now!
One apparently rough hewn from some blue-gray stone with a course

course -> coarse
(a course is something you have when sailing, coarse describes a surface
texture)

<snip>

The tableau held for a long moment, as his mother gazed blankly in
his direction.  Then, she shuddered and seemed to collapse inward
on her navel as the deep bell-tone of a temple chime shivered the air
in the room.  Her body shimmered, shrunk, and was replaced by a
form that left everyone in the room staring in shock.  The dark
brown-furred creature had the body of a rabbit, a head vaguely
reminiscent of a cat with massive tufted sweeps of oversized ears
with a delicate shell-pink inner lining, limpid eyes of deepest
sapphire, and centered on the forehead was a diamond-shaped
jewel of ruby-red hue.


There was an indrawn sighing sound, as everyone in the room
drew a simultaneous breath in surprise, and then Kasumi broke
the tension with a quiet, "Oh my!"  Moving with a speed that left
everyone in the room wondering just _how_ the eldest Tendo
daughter managed it, she scooped up Nodoka and cuddled her.
With a happy smile, she looked at Nabiki.  "Ranma gets it from his
mother.  She feels just as good!"

Houses near the Tendo home shook briefly from the vibrations
caused by the near universal face-fault.

(Points  from Philip Jacobs for identifying the source of Nodoka's
Guardian Beast form.)

Ryo-Ohki?

<snip>

"Um..." Soun tried to defend his friend (verbally, of course, he
wasn't stupid enough to try to interfere in a domestic dispute
physically) "Actually, Nabiki looks almost exactly the same as

Smart man, that Tendo.

<snip>

"Oh, sure, and have the neighbors call the fire department on us
when they see the pillar of flame."

:)
WHOOOSH!
Mr. Yamada: What was that, dear?
Mrs. Yamada: Just the next door neighbor's magical girl transformation
again dear.
Mr. Yamada: (sighs) I'll get the hose.

<snip>

Kasumi had eventually left to start preparing dinner. A task that
Nodoka tried to insist on helping with, except that she was dissuaded

tried to insist -> insisted

<snip>

Nodoka blinked, reached up, and plucked a white tabi (split-toed
sock) off of her head, where it had apparently settled. She now

apparently settled -> settled
(there's not apparently about it)

<snip>

Akane thought fast as her Sensei's father followed hers to the

hers -> her's

<snip>

Nabiki blushed, realizing that she had completely forgotten that she
was naked in the confusion. "Um... I'll be right back down as soon as
I dress!" She bit out, flustered at her lapse. "I'll meet you in the
guestroom!" And thus, Nabiki turned again and ran down the hall!

(last exclamation point is unnecessary)

<snip>

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" squealed the older woman with delight, as
she sat up and snatched the azure rodent out of the air before he
had a chance to hit the floor! "You are sooooooo cute! Yes you are!
Yes you are!"

Hair toinged out of place on the heads of the various Tendo family
members sitting around Nodoka as they watched an otherwise
mature and refined woman giggle, laugh, and cuddle the somewhat
alarmed looking blue kangaroo rat as she swayed back and forth.
Genma had, naturally, face-faulted rather painfully to one side, and
one of his legs was still twitching in the air.

"Bu...bu... but It's not fair!" Kasumi looked over the scene, tears
forming in her eyes moments before breaking into a torrent of sobs.
"I wanted to do that! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

It was a moment high enotion for the Tendo family and guests...

<snip>

END CHAPTER TWELVE

Horray! More C&C done!

OMAKE THEATER PRESENTS:

"Mom..." Ranma looked down at his mother, tension leaving him
as she appeared to be all right. Nabiki, now wearing a casual shorts
and halter combo, smiled up at him from where she was sitting with
her family around the resting Saotome matriarch. Kasumi, oddly,
seemed to be torn between smiling for the joy of Ranma's reunion
with his mother, and giving Nabiki dirty looks for taking the spot
beside Ranma. She rather strongly suspected that Nabiki had
skipped some rather essential items of apparel to have gotten back
downstairs so quickly, but mixed company wasn't the place to bring
Nabiki's lack of underwear up. Akane, still in her magical girl

costume,

was looking at her father, who was crying tears of joy. All in all, she
was more relieved that he was showing signs of what amounted to
normal behavior for him than irritated at his regression to emotional
mood swings. Still, it had been nice while it lasted, and perhaps their
father would continue to grow past whatever was causing the problem.

Nodoka blinked as Ranma suddenly popped down to about the size
of a cat...

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" squealed the older woman with delight, as
she sat up and snatched the azure rodent out of the air before he
had a chance to hit the floor! "You are sooooooo cute! Yes you are!
Yes you are!"

For a moment, nothing else happened other than a mother horribly
embarrassing her child...

Then Nodoka was tackled by Kasumi!

"MINE! He's MY cuddle-buddy! He gave me back MY childhood first!"

Sweat drops formed on the heads of Soun, Genma, Nabiki, and Akane
as they watched two grown woman engage in a cat-fight over a rodent...

Cat fight.

Rodent.

A fitting description. :)

Well, perhaps I shall review chapter 13. It's somewhere on my mile-long
to-do list...

Later,
Rick "ficward ho!" Spiff


		
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