Formula For Disaster
by Dragonboy & Stiel
Note: My brother Stiel is assisting me with my fic writing now. So he is
now 50% responsible for how this turns out.
^_^v
Disclaimer: All character in this story belong to the creative genius mind
of Rumiko Takahashi. Please enjoy.
Chapter 2
Everyone stared in horror as Ranma continued to passionately kiss a very
stunned Kasumi.
"Damn it all," Cologne cursed as she grabbed a glass of cold water and threw
it at Ranma, returning him to female form and effectively putting an end to
the kiss.
Ranma jerked backward as the water hit her, and she stared down dazedly at
the even more dazed girl in her arms.
"Oh...my..." Kasumi whispered.
Whatever Ranma was planning on saying in response didn't make it past her
lips before she was bashed upside the head with a large mallet courtesy of
Akane.
"You sick, disgusting...PERVERT!!" she screamed before dashing up to her
room and slamming the door behind her.
Soun, Genma, Nabiki, and Ukyo slowly turned and glared at Cologne.
"What?" the matriarch asked.
"What did you do to Ranchan?" Ukyo demanded.
"How could you possibly blame me? I only just got here!"
"Maybe not, but I just saw Shampoo leave the house with Ryoga-"
"Huh?" a suddenly alert Mousse asked.
"-and Ranma would never kiss Kasumi like that if he wasn't drugged or
something!" Ukyo finished.
Cologne gave them a shocked look. "I am absolutely insulted that you all
would think so low of me when you don't even have any way of proving it!"
Mousse turned to the others. "I heard her telling Shampoo about a plan to
make Ranma fall in love-"
Cologne sent the Amazon boy back into unconsciousness with a sharp staff
blow to the head.
"Would you mind explaining now?" Nabiki asked.
Cologne let out a tired sigh. "I really don't see any reason not to at this
point, it won't make any difference anyway. Please wake up Ranma so I don't
have to say this twice."
As Soun, Genma, and Ukyo attempted to revive Ranma, Nabiki turned to Kasumi,
who was staring off into space with an unreadable expression on her face.
"Kasumi?"
"What?" she said without bothering to look at her.
Nabiki blinked in surprise. That was probably the least polite she had
heard Kasumi be in months. "Uh...are you okay?" she asked cautiously.
"Sure," she answered mechanically. "Just fine, thanks for asking."
Nabiki stared worriedly at Kasumi. "Okay, then...as long as
you're...uh...you know..." she said lamely while moving away slightly.
A loud groan signified Ranma's return to consciousness.
"Man, I was having the weirdest dream," she muttered as she sat up. "Akane
made this awesome meal, then Shampoo and Ryoga ran off to get married, and
then I was kissing Kasumi, and-"
She stopped when she noticed the looks she was receiving from everyone.
"It wasn't a dream, was it?" she asked.
Everyone shook their heads.
"Not even the part about Akane's cooking?"
More head shaking.
"Are you sure?" the redhead prompted. "Cuz that was really, really good
sukiyaki. Is there any more?"
"Would you focus, boy?" Genma shouted. "What's more important here, Akane's
cooking or you kissing Kasumi?"
Ranma frowned and scratched her head. "Well, now that you mention it, why
did I kiss Kasumi?"
"I think she can answer that," Ukyo said while pointing accusingly at
Cologne, who merely huffed indignantly and stepped forward.
"Ranma, I sent Shampoo over earlier with some of our village's most powerful
love dusts. It is a sacred dust used for emergency situations, like when an
outsider refuses to honor our laws and marry a female Amazon that he has
defeated, for example," she said with a sharp glare that was returned in
full by everyone else.
"Okay, so how did she do it?" Ranma asked.
"In your food, of course."
Ranma looked puzzled. "But we all ate that, and I know she didn't just put
it in my food, because I would have seen her."
Cologne rubbed her chin. "You did say that Ryoga and Shampoo ran off
together, right?"
Ranma nodded.
"Did he eat any of it?"
"Yeah."
"Then there is no mistake."
"But why would it only affect Ryoga and Ranma?" Nabiki asked. "We all ate
it. And Dad and Mr. Saotome are still eating it, see?" She pointed behind
her at the two fathers, who were stuffing their faces for all they were
worth.
"Tendo, don't eat that!" Cologne shouted.
Soun looked up from his plate at her. "But I'm really hungry, I didn't get
any earlier!" Then he paused and his eyes grew wider. "Cologne-chan."
Several jaws hit the floor as Soun grabbed Cologne and lifted her up.
"Cologne-chan, you must marry me!"
Everyone else stared in horror as Cologne gave him a flat look, and then
sighed. "Oh, what the heck, why not?"
"OH HAPPY DAY!" Soun sobbed. "Look girls, meet your new mother!"
Kasumi attempted to smile, which came off looking like a deranged
psychopath. Nabiki turned incredibly pale and made a mad dash for the
bathroom.
"Uh, Ucchan, if you would..." Ranma said.
Ukyo nodded and cracked Soun over the head with her spatula, sending him
crumpling to the ground.
"All right, spill it, old ghoul!" Ranma demanded. "Just what exactly is
going on?!"
Cologne straightened herself back out and hopped back onto the table.
"Well, as I said before, this powder was made for the purpose of making
outsiders honor our laws, and because of that it only affects single males.
That is why your father and the Tendo girls were not affected, as well as
why you are currently not having any romantic feelings for Kasumi in your
female form."
Everyone was silent as they let this sink in. Cologne rubbed her chin in
thought. "But this still doesn't explain why Shampoo would accept a
marriage proposal from Ryoga. He didn't beat her in a fight, did he?"
Ranma shook her head. "No, just gave her a necklace is all."
"I'll have to look into that," Cologne mumbled. "Oh well, it's not Ranma,
but I guess Ryoga will have to do."
"You're taking this awfully well considering your plan didn't work in the
slightest," Ukyo pointed out.
Cologne shrugged. "No sense in getting upset over something you can't fix."
Ranma stiffened. "Wait...when you say 'something you can't fix', what
exactly do you mean?"
Cologne shrugged again. "I mean there's nothing I can do about it. I can't
make if much clearer than that."
"But, w-what about the cure?" Ukyo asked.
"Who ever said anything about a cure?"
There was a deadly silence.
"N-no...cure?" Kasumi stammered.
"Not really," she answered. "Although-"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" Ranma shouted as she lunged for the old woman.
Cologne casually stepped to the side, then grabbed the half-full kettle and
threw it on her.
The instant the transformation took place, Ranma did a lightning-fast U-turn
and latched onto Kasumi rather than Cologne.
"Hey Kasumi-chan," he whispered seductively. "Sorry about the interruption
earlier. What do you say we go find some place a little more private?"
"B-but Ranma, what about Akane?" she asked.
Ranma looked thoughtful for a few seconds. "Well, I'd rather it just be us,
but if you really want her there, too-"
Genma slammed Ranma into the floor. "How dare you speak of your fianc�e
like that!"
"As I was saying," Cologne continued. "There may yet be one way out of this
for you, boy."
"Why would I want a way out?" he asked.
Cologne shook her head sadly. "Just follow me, Ranma, and we'll see if this
works."
"Can Kasumi come with us?" he asked hopefully.
"No. The whole point of us leaving is for you to be away from her." Cologne
answered as she staff-walked out the door. Then she looked back inside at
the others. "Wait for a few minutes, then wake him up and see if he's back
to normal," she said while gesturing to Soun.
Ranma and Cologne disappeared from the house, then Nabiki returned to the
room and plopped down on the couch. For a while no one said or did
anything. After a long silence, Genma finally spoke.
"What a day," he muttered. "What else could possibly-?"
"DON'T SAY IT!" Kasumi, Nabiki and Ukyo all shouted frantically.
Something very large crashed through the roof.
**********
"So, just how far are you planning on taking me, old ghoul?" Ranma asked.
Cologne looked over her shoulder without slowing down. "Are you still in
love with Kasumi?"
"Of course!"
"Then we keep going."
Ranma sped up until he was running next to Cologne. "Would you mind telling
me why I should be feeling any different about Kasumi?"
Cologne slowed down at little. "Before I answer that, let me ask you this:
how much did you eat?"
"The sukiyaki?" Ranma asked. "Um, I don't know. About half of it, I
guess."
Cologne visibly drooped and stopped running. "I was afraid of that."
"So what's the deal?" Ranma asked. "Can I go back to Kasumi now? I don't
want her to worry about me."
Cologne felt like hitting herself over the head with her staff. "Ranma,
please do us a favor and change yourself so you can concentrate on what I'm
saying."
"But there's no wat-"
Splash!
Cologne waved her thanks to the old water-pail lady, who merely turned and
went back inside, apparently none the wiser of what she had done.
"Well then," she began. "The reason that I-whoa!"
"Stupid old ghoul!" Ranma shouted as she threw another punch at the
matriarch. "As if I didn't have enough girl problems already, now you've
got me in love with Kasumi!"
Cologne continued to dodge Ranma's attacks, then shot forward and poked her
in the chest with her staff. Ranma's body immediately went numb and she
fell to the ground.
"Now look here, Ranma," she said. "I'm sorry about this whole mess that I
caused, but I'm trying to find a way out of it for you."
Ranma growled. "You're only sorry because I'm in love with Kasumi and not
Shampoo!"
"So what? I still apologized, didn't I?"
Ranma attempted to punch her again, but her body wouldn't respond.
"Now," Cologne said. "As I said before, there is no real cure for this, but
there is a way for people to avoid it."
Ranma finally relaxed and settled for glaring at the old woman. "How?"
"In order for the love powder to be effective, the person who ingested it
must be within a certain proximity to the person that they have become
attracted to."
"So you're saying as long as I stay far enough away from Kasumi, I won't be
in love with her?"
"That _was_ the plan, unfortunately, you've eaten far too much of it."
"Too much?"
"Yes," Cologne said with a small nod. "It's like this: Tendo ate a little
less than one bowl and fell in love with me. But with so little of the
powder in his system, I would say that I am already far enough away from him
for the effect to vanish."
"How can you tell?" Ranma asked.
>From the direction of the Tendo dojo came a bloodcurdling scream usually
reserved for those who had just found out they were being sent to the pits
of Hell.
"He really does overreact far too much." Cologne said.
"Not this time, he ain't." Ranma muttered.
Cologne glared at her. "All things considered, I'll pretend I didn't hear
that. Now, since you ate nearly half of the powder, the range that you must
be from Kasumi has extended greatly."
Ranma eyed her warily. "Like how much, exactly? A mile or two?"
"One thousand kilometers."
"A THOUSAND?!"
"Like I said: greatly extended. Just be glad that you didn't eat all of it,
or there wouldn't be anywhere on Earth you could go to escape it."
"I'D HAVE TO LEAVE JAPAN FOR THAT!"
"No problem," Cologne said casually. "Once Shampoo returns, you can come
back with u-" Ranma's furious glare made her stop. "But then again, until
I figure out why Shampoo is currently in love with Ryoga, that really isn't
going to work either."
Ranma continued to glare at her. "I'm not going to leave everyone," she
told her. "I don't just run away from my problems like Pop."
Cologne almost looked a little sorry for the redhead. "If that's the case,
Ranma, then I'm afraid you only have two choices left."
"What?" Ranma asked.
"You can either accept the fact that you're going to be in love with Kasumi
for the rest of your life...or you can spend the rest of your life as a
woman. I honestly wish there was another way, but there isn't."
Ranma didn't respond as Cologne turned and began slowly walking away.
"The feeling should start returning to your body in a few minutes. Good
luck, Ranma."
Ranma watched silently as Cologne quickly made her way out of sight. For a
while, Ranma just laid where she was and thought about her predicament as
she waited for feeling to return to her body.
Splash!
Ranma grimaced as the old woman again turned and walked back into her house.
"I really, really HATE old people!"
**********
Back at the dojo...
"WAAAAHHHHH!!"
"Father, please try to calm down," Kasumi told him. "Things aren't really
that bad."
"Really, Tendo," Genma added. "I'm sure these things will work out in the
end."
"How can you say that?" Soun bellowed between sobs. "I've become engaged to
that old hag, Ranma is in love with Kasumi when he's supposed to be in love
with Akane, and on top of all that, now Pantyhose Taro is here!"
A large fist sent Soun into the wall. The Mina-Taro then grabbed another
kettle of water and emptied it over his head, quickly reverting back to
human as everyone stared in mixtures of annoyance and distain, also taking
into account the many cuts and bruises that covered the boy's bare upper
arms and face.
"So you're the Pantyhose Taro that Ranchan's told me about," Ukyo said with
a slight sneer, remembering exactly the kind of things Ranma had told her
about him.
Taro twitched slightly at the sound of his name, then stared at Ukyo with
much disinterest. "And you must be another girl with a Fem-boy fetish."
Taro missed Ukyo's snarl as he turned to Nabiki. "Pervert?" he asked.
Taro's companion turned to him in shock. "Well, that was a little uncalled
for."
Taro lightly backhanded him. Lightly, meaning he was still conscious, but
quite dazed.
"_Where_ is the pervert?" Taro asked again.
"Not here," Nabiki replied. "And we'd all greatly appreciate it if you
weren't either."
"Then perhaps you could point me in the direction of the Fem-boy?" he asked
with an unpleasant grin.
"He's not here, either."
"Darn." Taro sighed as he pulled up a chair and sat down in it. "I guess
I'll just have to wait until one of them shows up."
Genma boldly stood up and marched over to Taro. "Listen here, Pantyhose
Taro," he said while jabbing him in the chest with his finger. "We're
having enough problems around here as it is. We certainly don't need you
here making things wor-rraAACK!"
"Let me make this clear, fat man," Taro said as he casually lifted Genma off
the ground by his throat. "I have had an extremely bad week, and...let's
just say I've built up a lot of frustration." He shot a sharp glance at the
recovering boy as he said the last part. "Now, I am going to release this
frustration on _someone_. Whether it be the pervert, Fem-boy, or you, is
entirely your decision."
Genma began to sweat. He opened his mouth to speak, but found it quite
difficult while hanging by his neck as he was. So instead, he grabbed a
glass of water from the table, dumped over himself, and produced a sign
reading 'Make yourself at home'.
Taro smirked. "Thank you for your hospitality." He then proceeded to toss
the panda into the wall right next to where Soun was still embedded. Taro
leaned back into his chair and very subtly began rubbing the shoulder of the
arm that had held up Genma.
Kasumi looked around at the hurt and unconscious bodies that littered the
living room. "Oh dear, I suppose I should get the first aid kit out."
Ukyo, deciding she had already had enough of being around Taro, quickly
followed the eldest Tendo to the stairs, leaving Nabiki on her own. There
was a long silence that was eventually broken when Taro noticed the meal
that was still sitting on the table.
"Don't eat that!" Nabiki shouted as she saw him reach for a partially filled
bowl.
And Taro, as a way of showing that no one told him what to do, grabbed the
bowl and immediately began eating.
"Mm, not bad," he muttered.
Nabiki sighed heavily. "Well, can't say I didn't warn him." She quickly
escaped up the stairs before she became the object of some very unwanted
affection.
**********
Ranma slowly staggered back toward the dojo, still trying to regain full
feeling in her body as she went.
"Why me?" she muttered. "Now how am I supposed to explain all this to
everyone? I mean, me and Kasumi? ...I can't stay a girl for the rest of my
life, even if I did want to. What the heck am I supposed to do?!"
Still mumbling to herself, Ranma walked into the dojo, all but oblivious to
the giant hole in the roof.
"I'm back," she announced half-heartedly, causing the only fully-conscious
person in the room to turn towards her.
"'Bout time," Taro said with a small half-smirk.
"What are you doing here, Pantyhose?" Ranma demanded.
Taro rose from his chair and slowly walked toward her. "What do you think,
Ranma?" he asked, his grin growing wider with each step.
Ranma quickly dropped into a defensive stance. "Look, Pantyhose, I'm having
an extremely crappy day, got it? The last thing I need right now is for you
to be...what did you just call me!?"
Taro simply kept grinning as he advanced on her. "It was very naughty of
you to make me wait here for so long, Ranma. Very, very naughty." His grin
grew wider as he stopped right in front of her. "Maybe you should be
punished."
Ranma's eyes widened into saucers and she looked over at the table, where
the tainted meal still sat. "You didn't!" she half-demanded, half-pleaded.
"This is just some sick joke, right?"
Taro reached out and wrapped his arms around Ranma, pinning her small frame
to his larger body. "I've never been more serious, Ranma." Slowly, Taro
began moving his face closer to Ranma's.
"GET OFF OF ME, YOU FREAK!" Ranma bellowed as she send Taro through the roof
with a jaw-breaking uppercut.
Or at least, that's what would have happened, had Ranma not still been
partially numb from Cologne's pressure point. What happened instead was-
"GET OFF OF ME, YOU-MMPH!!"
*****
Akane slowly made her way downstairs, quietly followed by Kasumi, Ukyo and
Nabiki. She felt like such a fool now that her sisters had explained the
situation to her. It seemed so obvious now. Of course Ranma would never
just up and kiss Kasumi like that unless Shampoo or someone had done
something to him.
Her mood darkened even further. And after Ranma had been so...nice before.
He'd eaten her cooking as though he hadn't eaten a thing in weeks. And he'd
COMPLIMENTED it! For possibly the first time ever, Ranma had given her an
honest-to-goodness compliment about her food!
And...and she'd gone and jumped to the wrong conclusion again.
But it didn't matter now. All she had to do was apologize, then they'd
figure out a way to cure Ranma of his problem, and everything would be okay
again.
Unfortunately, no sooner did a small smile appear on Akane's face did she
enter the living room to find, of all things, Ranma locked in a kiss with
Pantyhose Taro!
Now, considering what had already taken place that day, Akane might have
chalked this incident up to spiced food. But what really sealed the
boy-turned-girl's fate was the lack of effort she seemed to be putting into
breaking away from her contact with Taro.
So, pulling out the biggest mallet she could handle, Akane proceeded to
deliver a swift and painful punishment.
Everyone else winced at the sight of the remains of Akane's wrath.
"Well, at least she got Taro, too," Nabiki muttered.
End Chapter 2
Dragonboy: So, what do you think so far? Good, bad, somewhere in between?
Does Stiel's assistance seem to be helping or hindering the story, or did
you even notice? Hope to hear from you.
Dragonboy
A proud member of Dragon Stiel Inc.
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