Might as well make some comments on this, even if it is old. You
might be able to use some of the comments.

	The usual caveat. Use what you agree with, discard the rest.

	And brace yourself. I'm going to be rather harsh, because this
contains a great many logical inconsistencies and plot weaknesses.

	First off, this really doesn't call for a 'dark' tag. There's no
violence and not much in the way of angst. About the only reason for the tag
to be there at all is to set up that joke midway through.

-----Original Message-----

__________________________________________________________________

Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 20:26:34 -0700 
__________________________________________________________________


Escape from the wacky world of Ranma 1/2

By Joseph Palmer

  "Hiroshi, I was thinking...."
  "That's new."
  "No, really I was."
  "About Ranma's naked body no doubt."
  "Shut up, Daisuke. No, I was thinking about what someone 
said on the FFML last week."

	Since only Hiroshi and Daisuke are present, Daisuke just told
himself to shut up.

  "What? You still read that?"
  "Yeah. Anyway someone mentioned something about escaping 
the wacky world of Nerima, and now it's stuck in my mind."
  "Do you really want to leave?"
  "Well, maybe for a while. I'd like to see some action, you know."
  "You just want to see some bouncing chests not attached to a guy."

	If you mean breasts, say so. Chests aren't gender specific. Guys
have them too.

  "Shut up. I just wish to experience something a little 
gritty, you know." Daisuke finished washing his hands and 
dried them on his handkerchief. He pulled out a comb and 
began to straiten his hair in the mirror above the sink. "I 
just wish..."

	Not sure that 'gritty' is the best word to use here. It doesn't
carry strong enough connotations.

  His image in the mirror dissolved, and for a moment there 
was nothing there, like he didn't exist. A moment later a 
young woman's face appeared, then pushed through the mirror. 
"You rang?" she asked.

	Since this is Ryoko, her face would not appear in the mirror. She'd
just come through from the opposite side of the wall; the mirror being there
would be coincidence. She doesn't have a transport medium like goddesses,
she phases through solids. And yes, I understand that she's filling in for
Belldandy. That doesn't give her Bell's powers.

   Ryouko appeared in a flash, and held out a parchment 
contract. "Sign here."

	Even if you choose to keep the mirror transport, this contradicts
it. She'd come back the same way she arrived originally.

  Hiroshi jumped back. "You want our souls?"
  "No, idiot. You're signing for the remote. It's a $50.00 
charge if you loose it, so you better hold on to it tight. 
Washu wants it back."

	(spelling) "if you lose it"

  Daisuke looked over the document. It was a video rental 
agreement with the word 'video' scratched out and 'remote' 
written in. "What's with the parchment?"
  Ryouko began to steam. "It was in the printer, Okay? Jeez. 
It's all the Goddess agency stocks."

	This sounds like a mix-up between Ah! Megami-sama and Video Girl Ai.
Why would the Goddess Relief agency have video rental contracts? They don't
rent videos. The only time that one was ever used was when Urd gave a
cassette to Keiichi to make him turn his TV on, giving her a portal into his
home.

   The Boy's room of Furinkan dissolved into a tropical 
beach. Only this beach was strewn with broken wood, and here 
and groups of birds were pecking in the debris.

	(spelling and capitalization) boys' room

  "Where are we? Where's Ryouko?" Hiroshi looked about in panic.
  "I don't think we're in Nerima anymore." Daisuke examined 
the remote. "There's a display here, it says New Guinea."

	....

	Um, why would Daisuke say that he doesn't think they're in Nerima
anymore? The fact that they're on a beach in a tropical climate says that in
a very obvious fashion... Nerima is well inland, in a temperate climate.

  "New Guinea? What are we doing here?"
  "You wanted an escape from your wacky world, didn't you?" A 
tiny projection of Ryouko hovered over the remote.
  "Why aren't you here with us?"
  "Silly boy. I like where I am. The only grit I go for is on 
the beach."
  "But this is the beach."
  "I know," Ryouko said sadly. Then she disappeared.
  Daisuke walked along a bit. "Maybe we'll see some giant 
robots or sexy hard suits. This sort of looks like a battle zone."
  Hiroshi walked with him. "There's someone ahead, should we 
go talk to them?"
  "Yeah, I suppose. Maybe they know where the action is."
  They came to the old man who was stringing flowers into a 
wreath. He held it up. "My son. His wife. My granddaughter, 
and my two grand- sons." With each name, he added one of the 
flowers. He stood and walked strait at Hiroshi, who stumbled 
to get out of the way. The old man walked right through him 
and on to the waterline. Daisuke and Hiroshi followed, 
looking at each other, wondering if what they just saw really 
happened. The old man held the wreath to the sea, then put it 
on and walked out into the surf.
  "Ryouko! Help! We have to do something." Daisuke screamed 
into the remote. Hiroshi grabbed at it and the world went dark.

	(spelling) grandsons

	You just don't give enough information here for the reader to
understand why the man is doing what he's doing. Also, the boys didn't hit a
button, so why did they shift?

  Daisuke sucked a breath, but it filled his throat with 
dust. "Where are we?" he croaked.
  Hiroshi began to cough and gag. "What is that smell?"
  "Well, well. You must have changed channels. Gritty enough 
for you?" The image of Ryouko glowed over the remote.
  "Where are we?"
  "I don't know." Ryouko said, leaning over the display. 
"Push the little button on the side." Daisuke did, and the 
display lit up. Ryouko read it. "Nairobi Kenya."
  "Kenya, isn't that in Africa?" Hiroshi asked.
  "Yeah, didn't you pay attention in class?"
  "What's in Nairobi?"
  "This building, or what's left of it." Ryouko hugged 
herself. "You're on CNN."
  "What?"
  "CNN. That American cable news channel. That's the channel 
you picked."
  "For real?"
  Ryouko sat slowly and buried her face in her knees. "That's 
the point."
  "What are we doing here?"
  "Well, I suppose you're waiting with the others to be rescued."

	Wouldn't Ryoko know that they're not there in the flesh? You
established in the previous scene that they cannot be seen or touched by the
people they meet, so why would she say that they're waiting for rescue like
the people there?

	You've got exactly the same problem as the last scene too. There's
no info except for a vague description of the scenery, so there's nothing to
tell the reader why this is supposed to be horrible. You don't even describe
the smell so that we know why they're choking on it.

  "Others?"
  "Some. Not so many now."
  "Daisuke, I want to go home. Push some buttons. Get us 
home," Hiroshi whispered. "Ryouko, please, what channel to get home?"
  Ryouko shook her head slowly. "I programmed all of the 
channels for news. That's what they get. You wanted grit. 
Well, here it is."
  "Then there's no way to get home?"
  "Not by picking a channel."
  "Then how do we escape?"
  "There's only one way. The same way they do," Ryouko said. 
Then she flickered and disappeared.
  "Hiroshi, what did she mean?" The panic was evident in Daisuke's
voice.   "Let me see the remote."
  Daisuke held out the remote, but did not let go.
  "Push that light button again."
  "Okay."
  Hiroshi let out a sigh of relief, followed by a choking 
cough. "It's okay. I know what she meant. Hold on."

   Both of them held the remote.

  Hiroshi pushed the play button.

 August, 1998

	Sorry, but this doesn't make sense to me either. Ryoko's comment is
nonsensical in that there's no one else in their predicament, so how can
they go home "the same way they do"?

	The second thing that makes no sense to me is why pushing "play"
would send them home. I'd think that pushing the power button to turn it off
would do that.

	Finally, the ending of this is very, very weak. There's no direction
to it, and no resolution, be it good or bad. We don't even know if they can
return or not; you just don't say.

	Well, I think I've probably said too much. I really didn't like to
rip this apart this way, but hopefully you'll rewrite it and make it a
better story. Nitpicking aside, including links to the news articles isn't
enough. You need to tell us in the story where they are historically, what
happened there, and why it's supposed to affect them strongly. For the
'dark' tag to be merited, you also have to put them in a situation where
they are horrified to the point of breakdown. As it is, this falls far short
of the mark.



     Ja mata,
     Larry F

     The Lost Library of Florestica
     http://florestica.com/

     La Biblioteca Perdida de Phantasia
     (The Lost Library of Phantasia)
     http://phantasiaca.tripod.com/ 

     Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!! The Early Years
     http://nettg.com/


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