On 9/22/05, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

% Oopse. Forgot to post my C+C of this publically here

Did you?  I have the distinct impression that you commented on this one already.

Could have been from the Refuge, though.

% And getting to this:

Sorry about the delay in replying -- Real Life and all that rot. 
Won't bore you with the details.  Again. ;)

       Not that there were as many differences to put aside as
there once were.  Though the conversation had taken a stranger
turn....

% Like it can turn any other way with this lot.

Well, it could always take a turn for the incredibly boring.

       "Well, where have you traveled?" Ranma asked, raising an
eyebrow.

% I lot of 'Well's in here.I'd cut some

Done.

       Keitaro frowned thoughtfully.  "I'd always thought you'd
have traveled all over the world, from the way you and your brother
talked," he said.  "Even Sarah's been to America."

% I thought she *was* American.

She was.  Could even technically still be an 'is'.

Keitaro: YES!  Deport her, quick!

       "Of course," Mitsune drawled, grinning as the blushing pair
rapidly mumbled excuses and vanished from the room.  "She just
dropped the hammer.  Sixteen times."

% It just proves she's clumsy.

HAH!

       Shinobu leant

% leaned sounds better to me, or maybe it's just me.

Actually, I believe I was using an incorrect homynym.  I could be wrong.

But I'm going to err on the side of you being right.

% A toungue added in would make it even more foolish, and don't get me
started on the whole blow job thing. :)

I won't, Mr. Sommer.  I've seen the fics that such discussions produce.

Er.  I've _heard_ of the fics such discussions produce.

Yes.  That's it.  <_<

       Desperate or not, it would show that her feelings were real,
enough

% drop comma

Done.

       That aside, and forgetting about him for the moment ... or
at least, directly about him, anyway ... she realized that, too, she
wanted Naru to be happy.

% She just didn't want Naru and Kei-chan to be happy with one another.

Bwahahahah!

       Impossibly, shining white teeth

% Why impossibly? I would think it normal.

Went with 'improbably'.  Shinobu expected the teeth to be sooty too.

       "You caught on fire?" Shinobu asked faintly.

       "Not me, my clothes," Ranma assured her,

% Ranma: It takes a much higher flame to ignite human flesh. I can
attest to that firsthand.

Ukyou: He doesn't start to burn unless you forget you've got him on
your grill for ten minutes or so.

        "Silly," she mumbled, turning the animal over and shaking
her head. Her breath froze in her throat when she beheld the writing
on the bottom of the creature, concealed where it had sat for longer
than she could recall. Scrawled in permanent pen, in a childish
hand, was the name: 'Otohime Mutsumi.'

% Ah yes, that contrivance. I remember it well.

Akamatsu: Wait, subtlety?  Tell me of this thing after I finish
working on Negima.

       Swallowing, she looked to the next page, and her mouth fell
open. For there, behind her smiling two-year old face, was a
playground with two children in it... and with them, a Liddo-kun
doll. "Keitaro?" she asked herself, hearing the panicked strain in
her own voice. "But that, that means... Keitaro's promise girl
is...."

% Well, it should have been.

See, that's what I said!

       And aside from that, as Mitsune had said, Keitaro seemed to
destroy coincidence.

% Yeah, after a lifetime if being unable to get a date, look at the
number of chicks that fall for him all at once.

Motoko: I sense an evil influence.

       "Oh, well, I only meant that I liked his type," Mutsumi
offered, smiling. "I think he's meant to be with you, Naru-chan."

% Akamatsu: Yes, yes he is. Muhahaha.

*snicker*

       An invisible hand grabbed the invisible dagger's hilt, and
began to twist it.

       "...it's like you were made for each other...."

% Akamatsu: Yes, yes it is. Muhahaha.

Bwahaha!

       "No, Keitaro and I weren't... meant for each other,
Mutsumi," Naru said quietly, looking away. "The one who is most like
Keitaro... is you, after all."

% Yes, but Mutsumi is cooler, and Keitaro is... well, a weenie.

Will agree. :p

       Her suspicion on the subject was that they were trying to
earn money to buy presents. Though, what was gotten

% purchased would be better here and in the other half of the sentence.

Will go with that.

 She expected that
Keitaro would buy something for Naru, of course. And that didn't
worry her much -- though she wouldn't have complained if he got her
something, too.

% like nipple rings

...but not that. ;)

       "So can Keitaros," Suu noticed, setting her dish on the
table. "Suu's special super-curry, MK VII!" She frowned suddenly,
and glanced at Shinobu. "I can't quite figure out what prompts that
in Keitaros or Ranmas, though."

       "Say, Shinobu," Mitsune noised.

% ugh! I don't think I've ever seen 'noised' used in a published work.
said or asked will do fine.

I know you hates on my 'noised', Mr. Sommer. :p

How about I cut down on 'opined'?  I'm attempting to bring this word
somewhat more back into current vernacular; it's a good one, quite apt
for the situation, and I'd like to see it be more recognized and used.
:D

       "Everyone?" Mutsumi asked. "My, that's a large date!"

% Ranma; I'm a large guy, if you know what I mean.

Mutsumi: Well, having seen you naked in the bath, I think you're
exaggerating a little.  Keitaro will have to keep Naru.

        Smiling, she re-entered the building, glancing at the corner
where her single waitress was waiting. A younger girl she'd hired
from the area.

% Who had a bad tendency to tell guys she found irritating that she
hoped they stepped in cat shit (Eternity You Wish For ref)

O_o?

       "We'll worry about that day when we get to it," Suu said
firmly. "Until then, maybe it's not such a wrong idea."

% Hmm. Felt like a filler/slice of life chapter (except the
Mutsumi/.Naru common past bit). Good, but hoping to see things move
forward again next chapter.

Got it.  Bannana smugglers work for you? :D

DB Sommer

Thanks a ton for the C&C, and I'm sorry for the delay in replying.  RL
has a way of acting up, and I've been awfully out-of-sorts lately.

--
Brian Randall
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'