Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts, and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^

Oh yeah... before I forget, you have the usual �smart quotes� problem. I can't
believe I forgot to tell you seven chapters earlier. ^^;; Well, here's a li'l
tip if you're using Microsoft Word (if not, might I suggest using a plaintext
writing program?) Go to the Tools menu, click 'AutoCorrect', then click the
Autoformat tab. You'll see a checklist there. Under the "Replace" header,
uncheck "replace straight quotes with smart quotes."

And my next victim is... :P

On 9/24/05, Dave Wong <darksoar@yahoo.com> wrote:

Disclaimer:  Nothing that I write about here belongs
to me; they belong to
their respective owners.

Suggest: fix the formatting on the above disclaimer. The 'their respective
owners' part particularly sticks out on the otherwise okay sentence. 

goes on a rampage.  After throwing around the
boyfriend of a girl he likes like a rag doll and thus
being ultimately rejected by her, Eric runs back home
to ask his parents help.

...Oh yeah. I remember that episode. The 'Iceman' actor of X-men movie fame was
in there, if memory serves me well. 

�Conversation�
�Thoughts�

I've been told (repeatedly, by more than one author) that these things are
unnecessary, and they should be inferred from the context of the fic. And if
they can't, well, then you should fix that. OTOH, I know at least one author
who keeps on using these 'reminders' before the fic regardless. So it's
basically your call.

       Huffing and puffing, Clark jogged on the road that
eventually led to the top of the dam.  It had taken
him a good thirty minutes to get this far,
even after hitching a ride.  Even after being �normal�
for a full day, it was hard to get used to the
fatigue, the burning in his muscles and the quick
shortness of breath whenever he exerted himself.

For Clark, it's like deteriorating from an athletic body to an old, 'crippled'
body. Granted, that's not how he sees it, but that's basically what happened to
him... from being indestructible, he's now suddenly fragile and vulnerable.

       �Being normal has its moments,� he gasped out, �but
right now, I�d love to have my speed back.  It would
sure make getting around a lot easier,
not to mention a great deal faster.�

It's 'nice' to see that Clark is beginning to manifest his future comic book
version's tendency to talk to himself _aloud_.

Suggest: Making the above statements as 'thoughts'... unless, of course, you
can prove otherwise (i.e. if in fact that, in canon, Smallville Clark Kent
actually talks aloud to himself during these times instead of keeping his
thoughts to himself, then it's all right).

Oh, and your fic have some sort of funky formatting that's sort of distracting.
Please look into fixing this in the future kthxbye.

idly wondered if he had a deathwish; 

death wish (separate the words because 'deathwish' isn't a
dictionary-verifiable word, AFAIK)

after all, his

ribs still ached from being thrown on top of a car in
Smallville High�s parking lot.  He was also bereft of
his abilities, thanks to a freak
combination of meteor rock and a lightning strike.

Hmmm... So what's the point of the recap if the narrative prose is going to
continuously _allude_ to the past history anyway? This fic is starting to sound
redundant.

especially when their purposes resulted in a ton of
damage.  As it was, armed with Lana�s necklace, which
was in the lead box currently being held in his right
hand, 

(wince) I think 'armed with a lead box housing Lana's necklace' flows better
than what you've written above. Suggest revision.

Clark knew that only he could stop Eric before

the other boy could really hurt someone.

Um, you don't need the name substitute 'the other boy'. Using the pronoun 'he'
is enough; don't worry, the reader can easily glean who the 'he' refers to
through the context of the sentence.

       Clark would have felt proud and heroic, but his sense
of responsibility and his controlled fear were
foremost in his mind.

Hmmm. It seems to me you're really hitting the reader on the head with
references to Clark being responsible and unintentionally heroic. IMO, that's
bad writing. _Show_, not tell, the reader why he/she should believe that Clark
Kent is so honorable. Avoid making the prose look insecure about Clark's good
points by _not_ spouting off Clark's supposed virtues. In general, a reader
wants to _experience_ a story written in prose.

       Clark hoped that he could talk to Eric and somehow
convince him to listen to reason, hopefully.  

(shakes head) Those poor, silly, naive superheroes... always thinking that they
can talk things through even when the plot will still inevitably have them do
heroic and fantastic stuff. 

If not, well, then

he was going to have to going to get close enough to
Eric for the meteor rock necklace to take effect.

Revise the above sentence.

Suggest: If not, well, then he was going to have to get close enough to Eric
for the meteor rock necklace to take effect. (remove the second instance of
'going to' for your sentence to make sense)

       �You should�ve let me go the first time Clark.

first time, Clark.

       Clark could hear the pain and the beginnings of
self-hatred in his voice.  From a normal teenager to a
hunted, superpowered freak, 

Suggest: super-powered

threw him to the side.  With Eric�s superstrength,

Suggest: super-strength

Had Clark landed on his back,

the impact would have given him a severe concussion
but as it was, it was on his shoulder and so the
height difference had saved Clark, for the most part.
The gash above his left eyebrow had been torn open and
was worse then before; blood began streaming down from
it.

While blow-by-blow commentary has the advantage of keeping the reader up to
date with the action, it has the disadvantage of boring the reader to death.
That impartial commentary on how Clark landed could have been summarized in one
sentence: he landed hard and painfully, but it wasn't anything fatal. Besides
that, the extra amount of description adds nothing to the story... No character
insights, no plot twist, nothing. It's just extraneous and needlessly
descriptive.

       Excruciating agony of the likes he�d never felt
before lanced out from the direction of his shoulder,
followed immediately by an alarming
numbness.  White-hot pain seared his nerves raw and as
unused to such an intensive sensation, Clark blacked
out momentarily.  When he regained consciousness, he
had no idea how much time had elapsed, but he suddenly

remembered the situation he was in.

You have funky formatting on that paragraph. Please find a way to fix that.

to faint from the fresh surge of dagger spikes

Um, 'dagger spikes' sounds almost as redundant as Betty's 'I'll kill him dead'
remark in Kung Pow. You've got to pick... 'daggers' or 'spikes'

emanating from his left shoulder.  He had to pause
momentarily to master the pain, 

Suggest: replacing 'master' with 'bear'

       After all, no lead box = no meteor rock necklace =
very bad situation for Mr. Clark Kent.

I can't really praise you for good writing on the above sentence. I strongly
suggest you to please revise it accordingly. This informal way of communicating
is what I'd use in C&Cs, informal emails, or lectures... not prose. 

preventing the lid from opening and thus preventing
the necklace from flying the coop. 

'flying the coop', eh?

Grammar Rule #30: Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

       If Eric�s expression was anything to judge by, he
clearly wasn�t planning on sitting down quietly and
having a nice little chat with Clark.  

-_- What an understatement. 

One of the main problems I have with this chapter is the numerous digressive
additions you've put in to something that's essentially a screenplay; a
screenplay where everything can be gleaned on the actions of the character
without the use of character internals and the narrative prose.

It was also

soon equally evident that Eric had let his fury at
being �hunted� by the police take over.  No more Mr.
Nice Superboy it seemed.

At this point, you're just overdoing stuff. Yes, there are times when one can
'milk the moment', but this isn't one of those times. And the way you're
milking it isn't even indicative of good writing... it's stating the painfully
obvious. 

       Eyeing the shorter (but infinitely stronger) teen
warily, Clark was grateful that Eric seemed to dismiss
the notion that he could be hurt, thereby
ignoring the lead box as completely insignificant.

Yes, _please_ do spoon-feed the reader with copious amounts of obvious. I'll be
careful not to choke.

Maybe somewhere deep down inside, he was hoping that
this encounter still could turn out differently�

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

       �C�mon Clark!� Eric snapped harshly.  �If you had the
power to do whatever you want, what would you do?�
       Despite the fact that he was in mortal danger,
Chloe�s best friend and would-be suitor of Lana 

(sigh) The digressions you've used in your description of Clark (would-be
suitor of Lana) hadn't suspended my disbelief. As an author, you should be
working to develop the illusion that your story is actually happening and your
reader is actually experiencing it. I came to experience a story featuring
characters, not read author-digressive descriptions of the character.

gazed

steadily back at the rejected, would-be suitor
of Molly.  

Bleh. Though I understand the sentence pattern you're following here (blah blah
would be suitor of this, blah blah would be suitor of that), I advise against
it. Why? Because it has gone off on a tangent that's unrelated to the main
point of the story. What's wrong with simply using 'Eric' or 'Clark' anyway? Or
pronouns (remember, they're your friends)?

Simply put, you're meandering at this point.

There was no hesitation in his voice as he

replied with an answer that was straight from his
heart.
       �I�d stop people like you,� he stated fearlessly,

Ah, yes. It's the infamous quotable quote.

       Clark thought, �Well, that�s not good.�
       Superboy Summers looked completely different now then

then --> than

Suggest: replace 'then' with 'in comparison to how'

had begun to diminish at an alarming rate.  His arms
and legs had felt as if they had suddenly turned into
jelly, thus the reason why he had suddenly let go of
Clark.

Statement of the obvious part two.

       A new, unknown element had made an appearance; that
much Eric was sure of.  Already, he had learned two
things that didn�t sit too well with him.  One, said
new, unknown element apparently had a sort of
weakening effect on him and two, he held no doubt that
Clark had known exactly what would happen.

Zzzzzzzzzzz...

Your bullet-fast pacing is too much. Suggest getting rid of the above
collection of sentences.

       Shakily climbing back to his feet, a million thoughts
raced through his head.  He felt lightheaded, dizzy,
and surprisingly detached from the rest of
the world.  Although Eric wasn�t aware of it, he was
currently experiencing a minor variation of what was
commonly called �shell-shock�.  

Summary of above sentence: As Eric started to feel shellshock, (shell-shock -->
shellshock) 

There were just too

many things to deal with that his brain had an
extremely hard time in trying to keep up.  A fresh
assault of sudden fear led him to reconsider his
suddenly questionable invincibility; he wasn�t so sure
now about the destructive actions he had done in the
past several hours.  The seeds of guilt were born.

The last paragraph contains stilted and bad writing. Aside from the fact that
the reader most likely already KNOWS what you're trying to say here three or
four paragraphs ago, the redundancy of Eric's surprise/shock/fear can be
grating to the reader's nerves. Stick to what's actually happening, and don't
drag it on and on and on needlessly like a month's worth of Dragonball Z
episodes. Cut to the chase.

       Eric Summers looked in a mirror and found that he
wasn�t comfortable with the image that looked back.
He panicked.

WE KNOW.

       �Damn,� he whispered.  Then the stress and exhaustion
from the events of the day caught up with him; his
knees buckled, his eyes rolled up and he fell to the
ground in an unconscious heap.

End Prologue

Author�s Notes:  Just an idea I had to try out.  Let
me know what�cha guys think.  

Two words: Where's Ranma?

Ranma and crew will be

making in Chapter 1.

Ja ne,

Darksoar
9/23/05

Erk... I have a feeling I've suffered the ol' "Bait and switch" tactic. <_< >_>
Where's Ranma? Doko? DOCO? WRU?

Second question... Do we readers _need_ a recap of the entirety of the climax
of that episode? Is this really necessary? Why not just put the first parts in
a summary, cut to the chase in the latter parts on Eric escaping, and bring
Ranma into the fray? After all, this _is_ entitled 'A Saotome in Smallville',
right? This should have been sent to the
Smallville/Superhero/DC/Whatever-network-shows-'Smallville' Fanfic Mailing List
instead of the Ranma FFML, methinks.

But never mind all that. Let's ignore the fact that there isn't all that much
Ranma in this supposed Ranmafic, or the fact that this is basically just a
recap chapter for people who haven't watched (or couldn't care less to watch)
that particular Smallville episode. The main problem I have with this fic is
that it's three pages worth of plot stretched out needlessly for eleven pages
or so. And for what? Did it add anything to the story? No. Nada. Zilch. It just
dragged. It added nothing to the fic at large and even detracted quite a bit
from the original TV scene it alludes to.

It's a crude analogy, but it bears repeating this time around... Unlike a
penis, the length of a story does not make up for its lack of quality. 

And y'know what's the most tragic thing? If you _were_ able to cut off all the
digressions, all the unnecessary character internals, all the redundancies, all
the pretentiousness, and all the gratuitous padding and fluff, we'd be left
with... not very much. There won't be much of anything to comment about in this
so-called prologue of yours. It would be very much fragmented, and its
sparseness won't be much of an excuse. It'll become a ficlet... 'ficcie'...
perhaps even an 'f' since it'd barely contain a _story_. It'd barely even be a
preview... It'd be too ambiguous that you really can't communicate much of
anything. Hell, there'd be barely _anything_ in this fic content-wise.

So here's the deal. Get back to me when you have an actual prologue, teaser,
prelude... or better yet, a real story. Sorry for being harsh, but I've seen
better outlines than this. Add to the content by means of plot and plot
progression_... by cutting to the chase and getting Ranma in Smallville, for
example... instead of dragging a three-page concept on and on for eleven pages
straight. How Ranma gets to Smallville, why he's in Smallville, what will his
connections to Clark Kent and Eric Summers be, etc. are infinitely more
interesting than a redundant recap.

In any case, ignore my caustic comments if you'd like. I'm only "keeping it
real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic. If you want
to keep your fic as is, good for you. If you found my comments helpful in some
level, even better. The best advice I could give you that you needn't take with
a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's the best solution to a three-page
script padded with fluff, distracting character internals and by dragging
scenes for more than their worth: actual experience of what a better story
constitutes. That's my two cents. Abdiel out. 



		
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