Wow, a Moldiver fanfic! Sugoi!
Quoting StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net>:
Morning dawned clear on Tokyo in the year 2043.
Hmm... okay, starting two years before the OAV series...
With long fingers, the sun chased away the shadows,
I think that's supposed to be "the dawn's rosy-tipped
fingers"
Or in the case of the Ozora Household, Tower Three,
Level 29, Ichigo Street, being lazy.
Supplying an actual address; good move!
This morning, only two people were in residence;
Hiroshi Ozora, age 24 and his sister Mirai, age 20.
Their parents and younger brother were in Australia,
touring schools.
Huh? The story takes place two years before the OAVs,
but the characters are three years older than they are
in the OAVs? What gives?
borderline masochistic exercise program. Mirai made
her living as a model, and her work literally depended
on her looking good.
This seems to be quite common in what little Moldiver
fanfic exists out there, to put Mirai into a career
based on the fact that she enters beauty contests in the
first OAV. I've always found it a bit disappointing,
personally; she's characterized as being very savvy
technically, if not on a par with her world-beating
brothers.
He was a technologist, currently between jobs and
keeping himself busy with consulting work.
Suggest "engineer" of some sort (despite the OAVs' use
of the word "technologist", which I didn't care for).
You might supply a type we don't have today for
verisimilitude, e.g. nanoscopic engineer, zero-field
energy engineer.
Moments later, she walked in, wearing a sweat-soaked
one piece outfit that left nothing to the the
Two "the"s in a row there.
imagination, and a towel around her neck.
I found this bit kind of odd. I don't see anything in
the OAVs to justify its being there in the original,
which means you introduced it for some plot-related
reason. But, at least in this chapter, you don't seem
to do anything with it.
Opening the door, he stared at the two men. Both wore
identical dark suits...
<clip>
"My name is Tom Smith and this is William Lee Jones.
Men In Black, huh? Suggest you add sunglasses.
"We know about Moldiver," Jones said. "We know that
Amagi was Machinegal, and did not, as Amagi Corp is
telling people, that he was killed in a Jetcoptor
accident."
Okay, clearly the story is supposed to take place in
2048 or thereabouts, not 2043. Also, there's a grammar
problem with the above. Suggest "and did not, as Amagi
Corp said, die in a Jetcopter crash".
Now you've make me curious about the fate of the Dolls,
assuming he brought them back from the end of Episode
Six as implied.
"There is a face?" Mirai asked.
Smith nodded. "A face, a city under the Martian Ice,
evidence of ancient astronauts, the whole thing.
Okay... and exactly WHY has the government concealed all
this for decades? You never have the MIB offer an
explanation, but surely this would be the first thing
Hiroshi and Mirai would ask for.
said, "in what we now know to be an archaic form of
Sumerian but with Akkadian and Elamite mixed in. All
now extinct languages.
Extinct Semitic languages. Man, can you imagine what
the fundamentalists would make of something like this!
"See! Hebrew really IS the original tongue of mankind!"
There's at least three cities on Mars, all
demonstrating a clear Sumerian architecture and more
than enough writings to prove that there's a
connection."
Jones leaned forward. "At least one of those
structures was a spaceport. There's also what appears
to be an underground subway system, possibly covering
the entire planet.
At this point I am inclined to suspect you're planning
a Sailor Moon backstory tie-in, or perhaps a tie-in with
Battlestar Galactica.
Smith took a deep breath. "We also found several
functioning vid-screen, showing humans issuing
warnings, or at least that's what we think based on
the tone of voice. We can't understand what the
warning is, but it sounds bad."
Hmmm... Nobody could decipher an extinct Semitic
language in thirty years? Given enough of a sampling,
this seems very implausible. Suggest instead that they
KNOW it's a warning, but can't figure out of what, as
the technical words have no common roots.
"Wait," Hiroshi said. "Are you telling me that human
beings at one point had the technology and ability to
go to the Moon and Mars, and build cities? What the
hell happened?"
Heh-heh-heh! Queen Beryl's Cylons rose up and slew all
the humans, except those who'd fled to primitive Earth,
the tenth colony!
Physics, Saturn, or more specifically, it's moon
Iapetus, held clues to our own origins. He cited it's
unusual orbit, its strange 'yin-yang' coloring,
hexagonal shaped craters, and what appeared to be a
headronistic shape. He said that Iapetus was an
artificial object created for some purpose. He
suggested an Ark, a seedship from somewhere outside
the solar system, a warship, or perhaps some kind
of resort."
(sp) You twice use "it's" where you want "its", the
possessive.
"headronistic"? Is that a word?
And, of course, they're right! Iapetus was placed there
by the black monolith as a gateway, back when humans
were first raised from apes by the monolith!
there was nothing in it's data module that could be
Again, that "it's" should be "its"
and it made no logical sense to bury something this
big and be able to keep it buried, for almost a
hundred years.
Quite true. Impossible, given human nature. Which
implies that something else is going on here. But why
didn't Hiroshi ask for a reason for all the secrecy
while the MIB were still around? Or Mirai?
one of them who he knew only by their handle;
SilkyStingray, and transmitted the data module along
with an explanation.
Now this is promising: a BGC crossover, with Sylia
either about 38 or about 30 depending on whether you're
using BGC Classic or BGC 2040.
Well, let's see; what do I think overall? Intriguing
enough to keep reading, which is the important thing.
I have no idea where you're going, other than that there
must be some external threat out there someplace.
I think you can do more in the first chapter, though;
you could hook your readers much more than you actually
do here by adding a few things. Here's a short list
(some may not work, depending on where you're going, but
I of course am not privy to that):
1) Characterization: frankly, I think leaving Nozomu
out may have been a mistake. You could do a lot with
him, given how much he'd have changed in the last 3
years. But, given your decision, suggest filling out
Mirai and Hiroshi a bit more. Who are they? What do
they want? What will they do, given sufficient reason,
and what won't they do? (You hint that Mirai killed
Amagi, but don't outright say so. If she did, suggest
the MIB know, and tell, what Amagi's plans were, thereby
telling us what would cause Mirai to kill.) You've
given us little reason to care what happens to them;
what are their insecurities? Their fears? Their
dreams?
2) Backstory: one proven way to hook readers good is
to provide not just forward-looking mysteries, which
you've done (in spades), but backward-looking ones. You
might, for instance, have Hiroshi and Mirai refer to
some events of the last three years in terms which leave
your readership dying to know more. For instance, you
could have Hiroshi wonder whether some of the things he
and/or Mirai have found out in the last three years are
related to the MIB's story. Maybe they've seen evidence
of massive government cover-ups, or mysterious high tech
in unforeseen places, or hints that Amagi's surviving
androids work for the ISC.
3) Depending on how long you want your story to be, I'd
think about introducing a subplot in chapter 1 (or, at
least, something that appears to be an unrelated
subplot). The only thing that happens here is that
Hiroshi and Mirai agree to go with the MIB expedition.
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