WARNING: The following comments are in INCREDIBLY poor taste.

In other words, the best kind. ^_^

I'm mostly doing this as an excuse to publicly thank
Rick Spiff and The Eternal Lost Lurker.  Without both
of their constant and helpful support, it is highly
doubtful I would have found the energy to keep writing
like I have been.  Thank you both.

Anytime :)

I also thank everyone else who has responded to this
story, because I love the ego boosts.  ^_^

Who doesn't? ;)

As it so happened, it all started on a bright and
cheery afternoon.

The kind of afternoon where college kids who like to sleep in until 5pm
grudgingly wake up with the sun at 2:30.

The sun shed its light on the uncaring campus of a
community college set out in the wilds of California
(where land was cheap

And women were cheaper.

Sunlight rays illuminated

Still awkward..."rays of sunlight"?

students and structures alike as most of the students

Illuminated students...'swot more colleges should like to see more of.

themselves scurried from place to place, intent on
reaching their classes.

Or the nearest dark, warm place to nest.

However, lost in a forgotten corner of land there was
a building set aside from the rest.  Beyond the track
and field, beyond the archery range, beyond even the
gardens where the agricultural students liked to grow
their strange creations

Avococonanas!

, there stood a single

building.  The area it was nestled in was more
suitable for a fair tale setting than a campus, and in

I see missing letters...o/~

order to reach the structure a person had to traverse
a dense forest that completely surrounded the
facility.

Unfortunately for most travellers, the forest was teeming with vicious
Slimes.

Sweltering heat was made more uncomfortable by the
still air of the forest, and each breath choked with
the smell of pine.

And the smell of the flatulent old lady from the Pine-Sol commercials.

The steady crunching of needles scared away several
woodland creatures as the maker made no effort to
conceal the noise.

He failed to realise that the crunching of the pine needles wasn't the noise
which was scaring them away. He also failed to notice the toxic green cloud
emanating from his nethers...

 He was muttering under his breath,
and with each step his grumbling became increasingly
louder.

As did the grumbling of his bum.

"...off the beaten path, through the woods, what am I,
Little Red Riding Hood?"

No, because Little Red Riding Hood was beaten off the path.

 A fist shook half-heartedly

Better a fist than a...

....

.....yyyyyeah, I'll stop there.

The man was in his early twenties, wearing a blue
plaid collar t-shirt and a pair of jeans and dirty
blonde hair parted down the middle over a set of hazel
eyes.  His face looked young for his age, and it was
doubtful he would have looked even twenty save for the
small patch of hair on his chin kept carefully
trimmed.

Think about what 'chin' is Japanese for.

Only then will you understand why I am presently rolling on the floor
laughing so hard I'm about to rupture something.

He was Tannim Murphy

And he IS the law!

, a college student that had
recently moved to the area and was looking for a job.

Isn't EVERY college student looking for a job?

(Hint: Try the club down on Ninth and Dime. Ask for Handy Mandy.)

As it was late in the job hiring season

But only for the next three hours. Then it'd be the job FIRING season.

, and since
most of the seasonal college students had already came

"had already came"? Only in a porno, babe.

Tannim paused outside the building to stare at the
architecture thoughtfully.

"Funny, I thought only the Washington Monument was shaped like a giant
penis..."

 Mostly it was the giant
'WARNING: EXTREAME BIO-HAZARD' sign that had caught
his attention.

"Holy crap, the first fully VR, full-immersion Resident Evil!"

 The various other warnings and
cautionary signs did little to aid his comfort.  Some
joker had gone so far as to tape a cardboard sign that
read, "Abandon Hope Ye Who Entree Here."

A more poetic way of saying "Do Not Partake Of The Tuna Log".

As he paused to wipe the sweat off his brow, Tannim
glanced uncertainly at the want ads he had clutched in
his hand.

"Male stripper...crossdressing male stripper...glory hole attendant..."

 There were many things circled, but only

one thing squared.

the one in the center didn't have a giant X over it.

It had a giant Y over it instead, for variety.

Not surprisingly it said "Looking For Subjects, No
Exp. Req."

Level 1 players only, please!

Tannim growled in frustration.  "This is your own damn
fault for not being able to stay away from that new
box set," he muttered as anger replaced the slight
trepidation he had felt moments before.  "You can't
even afford decent ramen!"

Not being able to afford decent ramen isn't THAT pitiful.

Not being able to afford crappy packaged cardboard ramen...now THAT's SAD.

Inside the air conditioning hit him with an arctic
blast of chilled air one normally associates with
winter conditions.

Or movie theaters...or the cubicle in the corner nobody wants...

 The sweet relief from the summer
heat was welcome and he paused at the entrance to
savor the sensation.

Handiwipes and lotion are in the convenient tray on the wall.

"The things I do for money,"

I ain't TOUCHIN' THAT one.

One side of the entryway was taken up by a giant
bulletin board covered from the floor to the ceiling
in various flyers and promotions set up by the
students and teachers.  Regularly interspaced between
these were safety warnings and regulations.

"Electrical Outlets Not To Be Confused With Glory Holes"
"Pencil Sharpeners Not For Genital Use"
"Pencil Sharpeners Not To Be Confused With Glory Holes"
"Keep Out Of Children"
"Do Not Leave Children Unattended Near Glory Holes"

The other wall was lined with plaques.

A little Colgate'll clear that right up.

Upon closer
inspection it was revealed that the plaques held names
and what accolades they had won.  It was generally
along the lines of 'Most Likely To Become A Super
Villain,' 'Most Likely To Blow Up The Planet,' or

just plain "Most Likely To".

"What kinda whackos run this place anyways?" he asked
rhetorically.

The kind that're standing right behind you?

Completely unexpected, someone answered, "The kind of
whackos that pay handsomely for willing test
subjects."

Called it.

Tannim turned to meet the voice with an appraising
stare.  It was from a very beautiful woman with her
red hair held back in a practical manner via a
ponytail.

As opposed to sticking out every which way like the legs of some demented
crab.

 The lab coat did nothing to hide her
impressive figure,

seeing as it was the only thing she was wearing,

and enhanced the chest area rather
than diminished it.

You've heard of WonderBra? This is WonderLabcoat.

'Hold up,' thought Tannim.  'If she's anything like
Washuu, then she'll want to... and THEN... and
afterwards... in a nurse outfit!'

With forceps! And a colon probe!

Tannim grinned lecherously as cheerfully stated, "Sign
me up!"

The small, blue-haired, yellow-eyed girl at the reception desk looked up and
said, softly, "Bakabaka."

The curvy red-haired bombshell held up a finger.
"First question."

"Yes?"

"Do you like...pain?"

She smiled slowly and broadly.  "Then off with your
pants."

"I'll be with you as soon as I finish sharpening these pruning shears..."

"And to help you with that, I'll turn you over to my
personal assistant, Tony.  Tony?"

Tony: "This job is Grrrrrrr-REAT!"

The man that Tannim turned to see looked like he'd be
more comfortable on a football field protecting
quarterbacks rather than inside a science facility.

Unless maybe he had bolts in his neck and far too many stitches.

He towered over the two at his seven foot height and
with a bulk comprised entirely of muscle and it looked
like he had trouble fitting through doorways.

Doorways, highway intersections, commercial airstrips, shipping lanes...

 By the
same token it also looked like wouldn't have had any
trouble lifting a few tanks.

Booster tanks. Like the kind they stick onto the space shuttle.

Tony cracked his knuckles menacingly and spoke with a
voice surprisingly soft for someone his size.  "If you
would step this way, please follow me to the proper
disrobing area."

The one with the two-way mirror.

There was a serious draft that chilled Tannim's naked
legs as he sat.  The bare metal on his skin didn't
help matters.  Once he got over how cold things were
Tannim finally took the time to contemplate the
machinery encasing him.

"Rape Rape Revolution...?"

Tannim was strapped into a chair with various
miscellaneous mechanical devices either clamped onto
or over him, of all shapes and sizes.  The crowning
touch was a metal headband lined with what looked to
be modified light bulbs.

"Are those SUPPOSED to be shaped like pe--"

"It's a coincidence."

"And they're going into my ears because--?"

"You don't need to know that."

"Interesting little patch of hair you've got there,"
said the scientist gently as she tugged on Tannim's
chin hair.

*dies laughing again*

The young man simply grinned wider, enjoying the
attention.  It was fairly obvious the girl was just
playing with him, but he didn't mind.  There were
worst ways to spend the day than playfully flirting
with gorgeous women.

Such as playfully flirting with 50-year-old drag queens?

Within minutes the last of the probes and sensors were
stuck, adhered, and attached to numerous parts of
Tannim's body.

"Hey, careful there! I don't like my huevos sunny-side-up, if you know what
I mean."

A voice crackled over the set of speakers that linked
the room to the control center.  This was not the same
girl, but a man's voice.  "Now, you might hear a
ringing noise, and feel a sharp stinging sensation,
but I assure you that's normal."

"You might also feel like your genitalia have suddenly inverted. That's
normal too."

Tannim was left without a means of response.  One of
the last things they added to the sensor list was
something he had to clamp down on with his teeth.  It
wasn't very comfortable either.

And it tasted like sweat and ass...

With a suddenness that was frightening, the lights
went out and scared Tannim half to death.

Unfortunately, he failed to gain snow-white hair and glowing green eyes.

Static hissed for a moment as the speaker crackled in
the darkness.  The voice speaking was very distracted
now.  "Uh, don't worry, that's normal... uff da...

Must be the St. Olaf Experimental Science and Rutabaga Committee...

The light bulbs surrounding Tannim's head flashed
brightly, and the young man felt a crawling sensation
over his entire body as his skin attempted to escape
without the rest of him.

o/~CRAWLING! IN! MY SKIIIIIIIIIN! o/~

Then Tannim stopped feeling any kind of sensation
whatsoever, almost as if someone had cut out his brain
and stuffed it in a box.

Funny you should say that...

 His mind tried to race as he
realized he couldn't feel his heart beating, but
without the proper glands to support the action Tannim
really couldn't work up enough interest to care.

"Darui!"

Limbo would best describe the sensation.

'E can' go any lower, mon!

Experimentation revealed he could 'speak' to a degree
an 'out loud' of sorts.  It would have best been best
described as a mental conversation, except for the
fact that there was no mind for it to take place in.

Make your own joke here, folks.

"I'm dead."

"..."

"...Jim."

As he turned to search for the voice, Tannim finally
felt all sorts of interesting sensations return as he
fell out of bed and slammed onto the floor.

Dick-first, which was a sensation he really DIDN'T need to know about.

Tannim convulsed pathetically as he fumbled his way
off the floor.

"Hot damn! That boy done found religion! Praise Jesus!"

"Actually, I think he just saw that one bad episode of Pokemon."

 His entire body had that 'asleep'
feeling when circulation is cut off for too long.

Including his penis, which was a sensation he REALLY didn't need to know
about.

 He
also had a nasty suspicion that if he didn't get
moving, and fast, the fuzzy sensation was going to
turn into some very painful pins and needles.

Possibly literally!

"What's this all in here?"  A nurse alerted by the
noise grimaced as she entered the room.  Her white
outfit clung tightly to her over-weight form with a
nametag that read 'Hattie.'  She was obviously
somewhere in her mid forties, with raven black hair
tied up in a bun.  "What are you doing out of bed?"

"And who gave you permission to undo your ball gag?"

It was a hospital, Tannim realized.  He also realized
he was damn lucky to have fallen off the bed on the
side of his intravenous drip.

As opposed to the side with the ravenous drip named Ivy.

Tannim awoke in a nightmare.  He could feel his entire
body on fire, even through the haze of drugs.  It took
several minutes, but Tannim finally realized why he
couldn't move: it was due to the massive amounts of
muscle relaxants mixed liberally with the sleep
medication.

"When we give you drugs, we give you DRUGS."

He lost track how long he laid there in silent agony.

But kept perfect track of how long he laid there in silent lucidity.

And as suddenly as it started, it was over.

Yeah, that's basically everyone's first time.

 Somewhere
along the line the pain had become bearable enough to
pass out again, and the third time he awoke in the
same bed, it was under less painful circumstances.
His nose had stopped bleeding, and normal sensation
was beginning to return.

Unfortunately, he had a REALLY *FULL* BLADDER.

The door to the room opened and a man wearing a large
white coat stepped through.  But that wasn't the first
thing to catch Tannim's eye.  No, the first thing to
catch Tannim's eye was the bright blue hair that
covered the man's head.

And I do mean *covered*. Bitch had an afro like you wouldn't believe.

"I'm not a doctor."

"I'm a taxidermist."

"Well, we figured what with hospital bills being so
EXPENSIVE, and all, and the nurses office here is
equipped with the latest in medical devices since we
never know just WHAT kind of injury we'll sustain, and
what with the rising cost in health insurance, and
also... well...."

"Tony wasn't quite finished with you yet. By the way? You might not want to
sit down without a donut cushion for a few months..."

"Okay, we wanted to avoid any sort of lawsuit for
performing an experiment beyond spec, alright?
Someone leaned on a switch a little too hard, and a
little too much juice was used too fast."

Again, that pretty much describes everyone's first time.

The look of sheer horror caused the scientist to avert
his eyes in order to deliver his next piece of
information.  "It seems that several very new and very
experimental procedures were used in order to save
your life."

"Nanites...cloning...Mako infusion...bukkake immersion..."

"You owe the--"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"You can't do this to me!" Tannim protested.  "I
nearly died!  In fact, I think I might have!"  The
sudden jump in Ken proved it in Tannim's mind.  He
stared hard and his voice went flat.  "I did die,
didn't I?"

"Just on the inside."

Tannim Murphy shivered at the implications of his soul
being separated from his body.

"I didn't even get to try out GHOST SEX!"

A quick check of the room turned up his clothes.  As
he lifted his jeans, Tannim glanced down at what he
assumed was his shirt.  It was the exact same design
as his old one, except that it was green, not blue.
"Did they dye it?" muttered Tannim in confusion.

No, they only dyed you.

"Like hell I'm going to pay those kinds of bills!"
Tannim grunted as he hefted himself over the window
sill and towards freedom.

...unfortunately, he landed on the resident fat guy and found out what he
REALLY does with all those dolls he collects.

The resulting scramble for the car and drive home did
much to calm him down.  He didn't regret what he did,
but he knew it might come back to bite him in the ass.

Though in the busty redhead's case, he might actually enjoy that.

 Tannim just hoped the laboratory would want to keep
the incident quiet and not report him to the police or
anything.

That'd be an interesting call.

"Hello? Yeah, we kinda accidentally killed this guy, but then we brought him
back to life, but it cost a lot of money, so we tried to force him to pay
us, and he ran away...hello? Hello?"

As apartments go, it was actually quite nice, despite
being on the second floor.

You just had to ignore the bleeding walls and the horrible noises coming
from the third unit on the left.

 The property had a creek
running behind it that provided the area with some
relaxing noises, as creeks are wont to do.

Yeah, the noise a creek makes is "relaxing" alright. Especially when you
first wake up in the morning. :P

The door slammed shut with a very loud bang.

Forming a pocket-sized universe in its wake.

 Keys,
wallet, cell phone, and spare change quickly found
themselves ejected and placed onto a handy surface.

The cat.

The sun was beginning to set, and Tannim decided to go
to sleep early.  He felt as if he had been run over by
a truck, and was out the moment his head touched the
pillow.

At which point the 17-year-old girl whose apartment he'd invaded and who
he'd attempted to crawl into bed with beat him within an inch of his life,
screaming bloody murder all the while.

He slept until two in the afternoon.

The following Christmas.

It was the hunger that finally caused Tannim to stir.

"The hungerrrrr! THE HUNGEEEEEEEEEEERRRR! SOLOMON MURPHY WANT *CORN*!!"

Even though he knew it would do him no good, Murphy
reflexively opened the refrigerator door.  Yep, still
no food.  "I have got to get something to eat."

"Yo quiero cucaracha."

The young man settled down with the phone book, and
opened it to 'pizza.'

Unfortunately, it not being a magic phone book, a pizza failed to
materialise.

Which is just as well, because if it had, it would've been anchovy.

This time a young, hesitant voice answered the phone.
"H-h-hello?  T-this is the Goddess Relief Office.
T-there w-will be--"

"--a $3.99 per minute charge to your account for this call. Please hold, and
our next available representative will be with you shortly."
*In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida begins playing as the on-hold music*

He sighed as he flipped through the yellow pages once
more.  Tannim paused over an ad for a gaming store.
The restaurant idea to getting him free food wasn't
working.

Of course, he realised, he wasn't a lovably mangy stray dog or cat...

"You're hired if you can get here in thirty minutes."

Tannim was out the door like a shot.

Unfortunately, he was buck-naked and had no keys, wallet, breath mints...

MegaGamers, a prominent local distributor of gaming
merchandise, was located inside the Crossroads Mall.

It was notorious for being heavily populated by African-American angels of
death in leather trenchcoats, but it had a good rhythm.

Tannim cursed as the third parking space he had
finally spotted was snapped up by a domineering sports
mom in an SUV.  The look of pure, unbridled hatred at
the world at having to deal with the screaming terrors
in the back had caused Tannim to hesitate.

Smart plan. Soccer moms are the deadliest force on the planet, next to
pissed-off Japanese girls whose underwear has been stolen.

In the end he decided to park back in the boonies.

The little black kid with the cornrows seemed harmless enough, but the
slightly bigger black kid with the huge afro and the intense, angry stare
made him nervous.

This was the literal backside of the mall complex,

And it smelled like it too!

The entryway held one of those large directories that
provided a rough estimation of where all the various
stores were located throughout the mall.  Tannim
paused to check it as he hadn't actually been to
MegaGamers yet (he usually went to Greatest Purchase
or somewhere similar), and was relatively unsurprised
to find it located next to the food court... and quite
a walk away from him.

Ain't that always the way?

It was at the food court that things had started to go
wrong.

Naturally.

Normally a large group of beautiful women ranging in
ages from thirteen to nineteen would have been noticed
by anyone.  Tannim would have noticed if he hadn't
been so determined to get a job and a decent meal.  As
it was he ignored the group completely in favor of
focusing solely on the MegaGamers storefront.  These
women were obviously not used to moving out of the way
of other people, and it was with considerable surprise
that the one girl in the center of the group carrying
a drink was suddenly blindsided.

Right in the boobs, too.

Tannim awoke with a start from his trance as he halted
his forward progress.  The girl he had bumped into
looked to be around sixteen, and was wearing a very
fashionable blouse.  The drink Tannim had knocked onto
her was currently soaking the front of it.

AND HOW! n.n

"Sorry bout that," Tannim mumbled and quickly walked
off, the entrance to MegaGamers a mere hundred feet
away.  He wasn't trying to be mean or rude, but his
stomach was hungry, and would brook no interruptions.

You might say he had up his..."brook shields".

Tannim ducked behind a group of kids discussing the
latest Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh cards.  He even went so
far as to position two of the children so as to be
better hidden from view.

Good thinking! The youth of today are expendable!

"Ooo, a clothes defiler.  Man, I feel sorry for you
when you leave this store."

Yeah. Bunch of teenage girls...they probably have hairspray, and aren't
afraid to use it.

Tannim looked up to see the face of an older German
man peering down at him.  He stood and grinned
sheepishly.  "Sorry, sir, I was hiding from some
Amazons."

"Not the Chinese kind, but not the kind that are missing a boob either."

"Well hurry up, the little monsters have been released
from school and they demand their appeasement.

"BLOOD! BLOOD FOR THE DEVIL CHILDREN!"

"That means I'm hired?"

"Yes.  Now get to work before I take out my
frustrations about my job on you."

Tannim got to work.

After all, he'd seen the prison video where the guard used his rifle on an
inmate in a completely inappropriate manner.

Tannim was kept busy with requests to fetch various
cards and memorabilia from the top shelves.  He was
also beginning to understand why the job opening was
available.  While his boss wasn't exactly a mean
person, he was very, very bitter.

He also didn't appreciate people licking him to find out what he tasted
like.

It wasn't a bad work environment, since he had worked
at Wally World before, and knew the ropes so to speak.

"Tie up elderly customers with a looser sheepshank; Hispanic teenagers need
at least a double square knot..."

 Still, it was difficult; the sea of children was not
something that could be dealt with lightly.

Verily, twas a sea even Moses could not part.

He even managed to finagle some money from his boss so
he could afford to eat on his lunch break ("That's
coming out of your paycheck, bucko!").  Tannim wasn't
so incredibly stupid as to actually venture outside to
fetch it himself, but a pack of cards worked like a
charm to bribe some kid to get it for him.

Of course, the kid came back with Pizza-On-A-Stick and a grape Burpee, but
hey, food is food...

Time passed, and eventually the store emptied.  Some
lucky ten year old had won tournament and parents had
shown up to reclaim their children.

"Do we REALLY HAFTA take 'em back?"

"Yes, ma'am, you do."

"Awwww, MAN!"

"My name is Makoto Kino, and I'm calling you out!"

"Yeah, well my name is Tannim Murphy, and I'm calling you a whore!"

Sure enough, standing outside the store was a really
tall half-Japanese girl.  Aside from those two
features, however, she would blend in perfectly with a
crowd of gossiping cheerleaders.  Her fashion sense
could have been picked out of a Macy's Catalogue.

Or a Bratz commercial.

"You know your kind isn't welcome in this store.
Always window shopping, and never buying!" Gunter
stated menacingly and he chambered a round for effect.
 "I have the right to refuse service to anyone, and I
choose you.  Now git."

"Before I tell tomorrow's customers to throw up all over you."

"You'd best steer clear of those girls, boy.  They're
nothing but trouble."

But then, aren't they all?

Tannim eyed the weapon warily.  "Not that I'm not
grateful and all, but where did you get that?"

Wally World, of course.

to fight or flee.  It was in this state that he noted
that the girl claiming to Makoto did, in fact, look
remarkably like her.  It was the hairstyle that
clinched it, Tannim decided.

Well, that and the boobs.

It was a bit shocking to Tannim to say the least.
"You mean you're honest to goodness, real life Amazon
Mallrats?" he asked incredulously.

Surprise!!

The realization struck Tannim with all the force of a
twenty pound sledgehammer.  He whispered to himself in
shock, "I am going to have my ass kicked by a fourteen
year old fangirl pretending to be Makoto Kino from
Sailor Moon."

Life's funny that way.

"I warn you, the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu style is a
killing art.  I cannot be held accountable for my
actions if I defend myself."  Not only was Tannim
sweating bullets, but his voice was wavering and
cracked.  His fate rested on that line of complete and
total bullshit.

Yeah, he's fucked. And not in the good way.

He posed dramatically for the assembled crowd.  "But I
suppose I must end this quickly!  Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu
style final attack!"  Makoto firmed her stance, while
the rest of the girls took a few more steps away.

They may be Amazons, but they're still stupid teenage girls.

"Shining, Sta-- hey, what's that over there?"  This
was delivered with complete conviction, a shocked
look, widened eyes, and finger pointing.

Oldest trick in the book. That's just sad.

It was a bruised and weary Tannim that climbed the
stairs leading to his apartment.  Every last one of
his bruises had resulted from him running into things,
or falling over, in his mad dash to escape.  He was
just thankful that he had made it to his car without
anyone following him.

That he knew of, anyway. Unfortunately, he hadn't accounted for the Gap
Ninjas...

"Greetings!"  The girl cheerfully proclaimed.  "I am
the Goddess--"

"Belldandy?"

Well that's just FINE and dandy!

================================
This message brought to you by the
Bay Area Association of Liquor Pirates:
"We're Here, We're Queer, And We're
STEALIN' YER BEER!!"
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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