Ha. Talk about delayed. As far as I know, there had been more chapter of this
released already (or maybe not... *shrugs*) But since I C&C stuff that's far
more delayed than this one, it's still good.
Homer Simpson: It's just a little bit delayed! It's still good! It's still
good!
Since I'm putting this digressive and off-topic message up with the C&C, I
suppose it's okay and not really spam. (takes a deep breath) A little over a
year ago I asked for assistance in searching for a "Ranma/Rurouni Kenshin fic
that isn't Rurouni Ranma." I got the desired response and the desired fic
(Champion of the Era) but one thing led to another and, well, I had to reformat
the computer and COTE got lost in the shuffle of backupping (yes, I know that's
not a word) various files. So I'll have to again ask the kindhearted people of
FFML to please, _please_ send me a link or a copy of the short-lived,
two-chaptered fic. Private responses only for this particular topic. Onegai to
arigatou gozaimasu (yes, I know that's horrible Otakunese).
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts, and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
On 11/26/05, Tail Kinker <tailkinker@contrabandent.com> wrote:
The Choices series is a concept put together by myself and Composer
(composervivi@yahoo.com), written with the idea of putting a new spin on
overused fanfic cliches.
Y'know, new spins/parodies on fanfic cliches are starting to become so
hackneyed that they could become fanfic cliches themselves. But I'm getting
ahead of myself... Let's get on with _reading_ the fic first.
The new spin is this: Rather than whatever
calamity it is befalling the character accidentally, against his/her
will, or by simply leaping before they look, in these series, the
characters so afflicted will *consider* the possibility, actually try to
think it through, before blindly diving in headfirst.
Larry the Cable Guy: Hey, Clem! If you put some flowers on this here dead horse
of yours, then he'd actually look halfway alive! Ah mean, gettin' rid o' the
smell is a step up for good ol' Bessie here!
Even this new supposed 'twist' has been done before, but I'll give my final
judgment on this fic only after I've read through it.
So be warned: Old, tired fanfic cliches ahead. But you might like the
story anyway.
Wheeeee.
Tail Kinker Presents
Choices I:
Planned Brotherhood
Well, that's certainly new in terms of phrases.
Kagero: Kurei! Why did you try to kill your half-brother, Recca?
Kurei: Though it was kind of late, I was having just attempting a 'Planned
Brotherhood'. (rim clash)
-1-
Cologne stared down at the letter in her hands, a look of com-
plete disbelief in her eyes. She'd had this message for almost
three hours, and she still could not quite comprehend its import.
It was impossible. It was inconcievable.
inconceivable
Vizzini (Princess Bride): You misspelled the word 'inconceivable'? I... don't
believe it!
Actually, it was rather expected, and she wondered what had taken
them so long.
The prose is meandering at this point. I'd suggest less of this and more
storytelling.
"We have serious things to discuss. Now is not the time for ver-
bal fencing."
Ranma: Eeewwww. Like I'd want to tongue wrestle an old mummy like you!
Ranma raised a hand. "Whoa. If the cost is me marryin' Shampoo,
you should know--"
"Yes, I know;
Ranma: I'll do it!
Cologne: ...What.
Ranma: Yeah! Hmmm... I wonder how Akane will feel about being the other woman?
(ponders) Sounds like an automatic turn on for her. And me! Everybody's a
winner!
Akane: Me? A-A mistress? (blushes) I've never been a mistress before...
you have finally admitted your love to Akane. All
it took was a mountain splitting and the death of a God."
More like just a god. Honestly, fandom is over-hyping the god-killing concept
just to put over Ranma and his supposed uber-skills.
"And they say you're stupid." She chuckled.
Cologne: You must have been portrayed OOC by the fic to have noticed it, then.
Cologne shook her head. "No, I'm afraid that there is no simple
cure for the curse. Using Nannichuan water would put you in a
worse position than you are now. Remember Taro?"
Hmmm. Just read a fic where Ranma turns into a Hermaphrodite like good ol'
Oscar. Same plot point being used here in concern to a cure?
"Actually, the irony is, that would've worked. Completely dif-
ferent magic."
"Nuts."
Figures.
"What is in this bottle, is water from the Spring of Drowned
Twins."
Uh-oh. I think I've read this fic before. Many times, one or two of them
lemons. Hell, to all Ranma fans that had never been initiated to the inherent
cliches of Ranma fanfiction, it's a prerequisite fic idea. Hell, even Takahashi
herself had teased upon using the idea in canon. "Gee, what if male Ranma and
female Ranma were separated into two people? Wouldn't that be cool?"
Webdragon's Nullifier 122 and A.V. Morgan's Reflection come to mind.
Here's hoping that the fic is not as cliche as I expect it to be. And maybe it
won't, since I haven't seen the reason why the series is called 'Planned
Brotherhood'. Sooo... good luck on that department.
"Yes." She chuckled. "And since it is still a Jushenkyou curse,
(tilts head) Shouldn't it be, oh I dunno, Jusenkyo or Jusenkyou? I mean, that
_is_ the usual romanji spelling of the word as used by quite a lot of people,
right?
"Hold on, I just thoughta something." Ranma frowned. "Since the
curses combine, wouldn't this mean that a cursed person who used
this water would fission into their normal form and their cursed
form?"
"Very good, Ranma."
Ranma: (smug) I've read about it in several other fics. (stretches) Well, let's
get this over with. If this fic's cliche, then we'll know what happens. If
there is indeed some sort of 'new twist that has never been done before',
there's only one way to find out.
"This ain't no cure!" Ranma stood up. "This just makes things
way worse!"
Well, that's surprisingly insightful of Ranma to say.
"Oh, right. We'd still be cursed, and then we'd both end up
dickgirls or something."
Nidoking: (nods sagely after writing chapter 11 of A Deadly Choice)
Oscar: (nods as well)
Me: (turns blue at the thought)
"Wait a minute...that means it'd be me, stuck as a girl forever.
Me."
Cologne nodded. "Yes, Ranma. Use this combination, and you
would indeed be a man forever. But you would also be a woman
forever."
Ranma: Sooo... that's the catch to the cure?
Cologne: Well, actually, the catch is that your female self will be engaged
with Akane and your male self will be engaged with my great granddaughter. That
way, everybody's happy.
Ranma: But Akane doesn't like...
Cologne: Fanon says otherwise, and since we're working on a cliche concept
here, I don't see why we shouldn't beat the dead horse while we're at it.
"Will I do?"
He jumped, high enough to land straight on his feet. Akane gig-
gled.
Aw. For a fic that's so cliche, it's nice to see it portraying Akane's good
side. A fic that can actually portray Akane as _not_ angry is one in a million.
"Yeah."
"What's the other part of the price?"
Ranma: Maybe the other part of the price is that my girl self will go through
some angst about herself before realizing that she'd rather be a violinist,
marry Ryoga, and have a son named after a foreigner?
Akane: Really?
Ranma: (shakes head) No. Not really.
"Cologne, Shampoo and Mousse have been kicked out of the Ama-
zons." Ranma chuckled. "Cologne says they're gonna try starting
an Amazon tribe right here in Nerima."
Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
"Well, they'll fit right in. Everything else wierd
wierd --> weird
happens
here."
"Or Juuban." Ranma nodded.
Token anime reference... check.
"No!" He raised his hands in self-defense. "Nothin' like that!
It'd be my girl self joinin', as an Amazon warrior."
Double ah. The other shoe had dropped.
(thinks) Reminds me of that other fic where girl Ranma joins the Amazon tribe
and excels. Meh. Seems like a whole mesh of fic ideas are to be found in your
little fic. (shrugs) Better this than a spammy 'I have a fic idea, and I'm
wondering if anybody is interested in writing this...' email to the FFML.
"Heh." A gleam came into the girl's eyes. "If I take the cure,
then I could show you a real pervert."
"NO!" Akane jumped to her feet, laughing. "Don't even think
about that, Ranma!"
A vision of a more relaxed, less angry Akane teasingly _punting_ Ranma to the
sky fills me with giggles.
"Okay..." Akane shrugged. "What have you thought about?"
Ranma: If I'm going to be a girl 24/7, then sooner or later I'll be PMS-ing,
and then I'll be having weird thoughts about boys, and I might even go out with
Ryoga...
Akane: ...O-kay. And then what?
Ranma: (shrugs) I dunno. Girl's Days is in indefinite hiatus last I heard, so I
don't know what happens next.
"When I'm a...girl, I need you to give me all the support you
can, okay? Make sure I don't fall apart. Because once this..."
He held out his arms, indicating his currently female state.
"Once this is my only form, no more man-among-men, forever...I
don't know what's gonna happen to me."
Akane nodded. "I understand."
A token 'Awwww' moment that's not heavy-handed in execution or overly dramatic
in terms of conversation. Kudos.
When she returned, she bore the flask and the ladle. "Akane, the
substance in this bottle is very dangerous. I recommend you
stand as far away as you can get. Under no curcumstances
curcumstances --> circumstances
are you
to touch Ranma until we are complete."
Heh. Seems like somebody has read 'Ranma nibunnoichi - Ranma no Hentai!!' or
some other similar fic.
Cologne: (shrugs) Since we're treading familiar ground, we might as well have
some foresight on what we're getting into before anything else. Now Ranma, no
matter how happy you become, do not, under any circumstances, hug Akane while
you're still sopping wet with cursed water. (nods sagely)
And Ranma screamed. It was the most heart-rending
heartrending (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)
"NO!" Cologne raised a hand, and Akane stopped, mid-lunge. "Id-
iot girl! If you touch him now, you will suffer the same fate!"
Author of Ranma nibunnoichi - Ranma no Hentai!!: (nods sagaciously)
Both
lay naked on the floor, the ruined clothes between them. The
screams had stopped; both Ranmas were unconscious.
Ranma (gasping in terrible agony) W-W-Well, b-better two t-than t-t-three,
right?
Anma and Anko (A.V. Morgan's Reflections): Huh?
The girl on the floor opened her eyes. "I'm gonna need a new
name, to go with the new me. I used the name Ranko before, when
I was hidin' from my Mom."
Cologne: And the gallery of fanfic cliches is now complete.
Ranma: Oh, and you have a better idea?!
Cologne: (hustles away, whistling innocently)
Akane stared at the girl, then ran forward and knelt before her.
"No, I guess you can't." She smiled at the girl. "But you can
be Ranko. I'm Akane. Wanna be friends?"
Awwww. Another token 'Awwww' moment.
He was disturbed at a very deep level; To him, the girl was
still him. He couldn't look over at her without a sudden lurch
in his stomach.
The way I see it, Ranko could go the route of Detective Conan, in the sense
that she's still Ranma and that she'll still be looking for a cure for her
curse (the same way that Conan Edogawa is still Shinichi Kudo and it shows one
way or the other). It kind of complicates the whole Ranma-Akane dynamic
established in the fic, but meh. That's one possible scenario.
"Ranma...?" She looked back to Ranko, then to Ranma again. "Oh,
my..."
Nodoka: So the curse was all a lie, and the Tendos does have a cousin named
Ranko?
Ranma: (scratches head) Hehehe. Who'd've thunk it?
Ranko had gone white as a sheet. Ranma winced; he knew exactly
what must be going through her mind.
Oh, no, it's katana time...
That has a nice ring to it.
M.C. Nodoka: Doo dooroodoo... doodoo... doodooo... STOP. KATANA TIME!
Nodoka looked at the girl, and then back to Ranma. "The cure
split you in two?"
"Yeah." He sighed. "And I know you're real disappointed in me,
but--"
Genma: I have a daughter? (dazed, gives Ranko a violin) Play a little ditty for
daddy, my li'l princess.
Ranko (deadpans) We've already done this bit.
"In the first place, I want you to know that I am very proud of
you."
Ranko blinked. "Proud?"
"Why, of course! You were faced with a difficult choice, and you
chose a path that must have terrified you." Nodoka shook her
head. "I can only imagine the strain it put you under. To know
that you'd be a woman for the rest of your life..."
I would just like to note that Nodoka's reaction to Ranko's, um, being there is
a great way of putting the reader's mind at rest that this fic won't be like
all those other fics filled with angsty-angst-angst about Ranko contemplating
the meaning of her existence and, y'know, stuff (cue Linkin Park background
music). It's good to see that the 'genki' level of this fic went up a notch. I
mean, drama is great, but too much of it is off-putting to most readers.
Ranma spoke up. "To be honest, Mom, I have to say, I also knew
that I'd be a man for the rest of my life. Kinda coloured my
judgement."
judgment
Nodoka turned back to her new daughter. "And, dear, I am so hap-
py that you're back! We can have lots of fun, like we used to,
cooking and shopping..."
"Yay." Ranko's voice was flat. Nodoka laughed.
Heh.
"Oh, I know. You never really enjoyed such things. I'm afraid
I'll have to resign myself to your being a bit of a tomboy."
Akane snickered.
Ranko glared daggers at her.
Hehehe.
C&C can be sent to tailkinker@contrabandent.com; flames will be laughed
off. Composer's input on this part was light; please don't use him too
hard. :)
If you consider this as a flame or 'needlessly mean-spirited and willfully
ignorant of the subject matter', then be my guest. Laugh at this C&C. Glad to
be your source of entertainment.
General Grammar Comments: First off, get a spellchecker (human or otherwise).
Spellcheck, then spellcheck your spellcheck. If this fic was merely sent to the
list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into your personal
spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think the main
problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a reread as
if it's a first or second draft (correct me if I'm wrong, but that's the
impression I had). I mean, the writing is top notch as far as I can see, but
it's marred by the intermittent and careless misspellings here and there
(redundant phrasing, I know, but work with me here).
Proofreading: It takes care of those avoidable, brain fart mistakes (like
spelling circumstances by the way its pronounced, hyphenating heartrending, and
various other silly errors). Though you probably already know this, it needs to
be said: read your dialogue out loud. This is the best indication you'll ever
have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and flows properly. If it feels weird
to say it, chances are that it'll feel very weird to read it. Also, let it
percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a few weeks, then read it over.
Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your mind, you'll have a much
better chance of catching strange misspellings, nonsensical sentences, and
other problems. If you've just written the story, it's very difficult to edit
it yourself because you know exactly what it should say; so you read what you
think you wrote, rather than what you actually wrote.
Okay, now's the time for my judgment of the fic content. (ahem) My first
impression of the fic was that it, well, inevitably relies a bit too much on
the cliches, seeing the genre it's classified in; it's mostly unavoidable since
this plot point has been treaded before. This is not only a post-series fic,
but a Ranma-and-Ranko-become-two-separate-people fic: two of the most popular
and most abused fic premises in the whole of Ranmafic fandom. Hell, I can name
three fics just like this quite easily. I can even remember at least one fic
that makes use of the supposed unique twist this fic has (the 'look before you
leap' twist). Normally, I'd be extremely bored with a fic like this, at most
I'd go, "Hmmm. Oka--Ooooh, look! Shiny object! (distracted)" Then again, I
liked Akane's post-manga characterization here, so that perked me up quite a
bit. Very unique and rare, that.
You're quite right, Ranma considering Ranko as himself stuck in female body
forever and feeling for her pain doesn't usually happen in fanfics (I'm not
contradicting myself... it has happened, but not usually). Your treatment of it
was... okay. Not spectacular, not groundbreaking, and more than a bit mediocre,
but something that's somewhat noteworthy to read if one has the time to read
it.
What I'm trying to say is that this fic reads very much like all the other
Ranma fics I've read, _but it ain't so bad_. Aside from the aforementioned (and
rare) good-girl characterization of Akane post-manga wise, there's also the way
you've handled the drama such that it doesn't seem so ham-fisted and forced. I
applaud the way you didn't hit the readers on the head on how Ranma
contemplated this ultimate cure and what would happen to his female self once
they become, well, separated with each other. Subtlety is a strong point of
this fic, however derivative it may be. One funny thing I noted of this fic is,
aside from the readily apparent cliches, the characters are actually avoiding
cliches by their carefully orchestrated actions.
Cases in point: the way Cologne stopped Akane from hugging Ranma so that she
won't suffer her fate in the rather well-written Ranma-yaoi fic 'Ranma
nibunnoichi - Ranma no Hentai!!'; the way Ranma realized the impact of his twin
self becoming a girl forever a la Nullifier 122, Girl's Days, and various other
similar fanfics; the Spring of Drowned Twins plot point reminiscent of several
other fics including the similar-to-but-different-all-the-same Reflections;
Nodoka's acceptance of Ranko as a daughter a la Genma's Daughter and Equal
Halves; the 'cure' plot point touched upon by many, many fics that are too many
to mention; these are all designed to appeal to the _readers of Ranmafics_, I
reckon. Overall, I conclude that this fanfic is ultimately a fanfic about
fanfics. It's for the fans of the fandom itself, even. It handles and
catalogues very familiar plot points and cliche in such a subtle way that it
has all sorts of fanficcy references for the average fanboy/girl to pick apart
and nitpick upon. Gleefully. I know I did.
One other problem I see in this fic is that most news readers who are merely
Ranma fans and are not familiar with the Ranma fandom won't pick up on many of
the subtle references. Nevertheless, it's still all good; if they're new
readers, then all of this would read fresh and original to them. What a strange
animal this fic of yours is, Mr., um, Tail Kinker.
Summary: Prose flowed reasonably well, most of the grammar mistakes are
avoidable so all you really need is a proofread the next time, and the content
leaves me more than a little curious to what will happen next. Certainly, it
was worth a light chuckle or two, and it even had several genuine 'awww'
moments. A fanfic about fanfics reminiscent of (but sadly not as good as) The
Ends by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne. As for the grammar... it's about as okay as
the fic. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not all
that horrible either. No purple prose. No thesaurus words. Quite a bit of
spelling problems but most of these can be easily fixed. As such, kudos again.
Abdiel out.
------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Engrish: A language that hide in black place, fight up other speaking, and for
extra word inside the pockets he look."
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