It would seem that the FFML has died yet again.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And, without further adieu, my current victim is... ^_^
On 3/30/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Okay, take two, this time using cut and paste. Wonder where that attachment
went?
...Into the ether by which Touma nearly fell into in Chapter 4?
Anyway, the thing about Chapter 6 is that... it's a helluva long chapter. I've
C&Ced longer, but... it's still a bit long. In my C&Cing experience, length
doesn't necessarily mean quality, but perhaps this time around we readers will
be getting quality _plus_ length equals more enjoyment. At least, I hope so.
-Morgan
REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: the Sailor Senshi belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. I am only borrowing them for a few chapters, and I
intend no harm.
Yoshihiro Togashi: (demands that his wife, Naoko Takeuchi, be included in the
disclaimer, or else he'll cry)
RONIN SUMMER: CONVERGENCE
A Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon / Yoroiden Samurai Troopers cross-over
by Morgan Hudson
"Convergence (n) - the approach of an infinite series to a finite limit."
Chapter 6: Running Like The Wind
Suggest: Running like the Wind (the Title Case should not have articles,
conjunctions, linking verbs and the like capped; only verbs, adverbs, nouns,
and words that _need_ to be emphasized in the title should be capped)
bodies buried under the foundations, corpses from the quake that the Tomoe
family had been in too much of a hurry to properly locate or care for.
Experts agreed that the feng shui
Shouldn't that be 'feng shuei'?
Hmmm. Sounds like a certain building Imelda Marcos built over here on our side
of dystopia.
The grass in the yard was dry and yellow, dead from too much sun,
Hmmm. Should the grass be dry and brown instead?
Souichi Tomoe, the current head of the household, had been meaning
to get around to cleaning up that yard.
Heh. Nice use of understatement there, fic.
One of the ongoing problems of getting possessed by a demon for the better
part of a decade was that even after the demon went away, people still
wanted to hold you responsible for whatever it did while it was around.
I do feel sorry for the poor, unassuming guy who's headmaster of a freakin'
crater. ^^;
Sometimes Souichi wished he could recall any of the things that he *had*
Suggest: Sometimes, Souichi
a pair of wire framed spectacles
wire-framed (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"Professor?" Kaori knocked gently on the door before easing it
open, the light from the hallway spilling over her shoulder into the
darkened room. She was, as always, a vision in crimson, her long red hair
and matching dress offset only by the white labcoat she wore over her
Suggest: lab coat
Kaori turned and looked over her shoulder before looking back.
"Miss Haruka Ten'ou is here to see you, Professor. Are you in?"
I find it weird that you would spell Haruka's last name as "Ten'ou" when you've
already opted for the anime/manga supported "Kaioh" and "Meioh".
Suggest: Though I do realize that the Hepburn, Kunrei, and Nippon Romanization
Systems all make use of the apostrophe in Haruka's last name (the only
difference is that they use different kinds of 'o's... anime fans use 'ou'),
perhaps you should be more consistent with your Romanization style and not use
fanon Romanization. Like say...
The alternative way: Tenou (sans apostrophe after 'Ten')
Naoko Takeuchi's way of Romanization (written in volume nine of the manga):
Tenoh
The anime's way of Romanization (in episode 106 of the anime, Haruka was
wearing a suit that shows these letters): Tenoh
(But of course, 'Tenoh' came from at times ungrammatical Japanese
material--'Sailormercury', anyone? It's your jurisdiction whether to use it or
not. Thing is, since you're already using the 'oh' Romanization with Kaioh and
Meioh, I suggest you stick with that.)
down at her. "From what I've been been told, it seems our esteemed Mugen
Gakuen High will be closed indefinitely. I'm just Professor Tomoe, now."
Suggest: I'm now just Professor Tomoe.
these days. We're scientists, you see - we work for the betterment of
mankind."
Suggest: We're scientists, you see; we work for the betterment of
"You want me to babysit for a while?" Haruka asked, relaxing
Suggest: baby-sit
"Kaori will get you the carseat, and she'll help you with whatever
Suggest: car seat
Also: car-seat
"We've got a pretty good idea," Haruka interjected, with a roll
Suggest: Haruka interjected with a roll
"Of course she is," Souichi snapped. "She's the only family I've
got left! Keiko and I... we couldn't have children of our own. When that
strange man brought little Hotaru do our doorstep, it was like God had
answered our prayers. I never saw my wife so happy."
Hmmm. Little Hotaru's adopted? (shrugs) News to me. Is that a plot point to the
story or rooted into canon? (googles it)
EDIT: Fic plot point.
Pausing, the slender
man chuckled at the memory. "Who am I kidding? I was never so happy,
myself. She was so small, only a few days old... we just told everyone
Suggest: old.... We just
Also: old... We just
"An eyepatch?" the young priest swallowed thickly and looked
Suggest: eye patch
"Oniwabandana," he said into the still morning air, and paused as
he waited for a response.
still-morning (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"Fair enough." Jadeite had reached a similiar conclusion long
similiar --> similar
"Excellent." Jadeite smiled coldly in response.
No, he said 'Excellent' in response.
"Succed in this, Oniwabandana, and I will be very pleased," he
Succed --> Succeed
"Jealousy ill becomes you, Shale," Jadeite chided her. "A man in
my situation has many needs - I would never expect you to fulfil *all* of
fulfil --> fulfill
of the tent. As she passed, he took advantage of their proximity to snag
his jacket back from her and quickly shrugged into it before she could
snatch it back. Despite her efficient and businesslike demeanour in front
Wow. So 'businesslike' is a d-v-w. You learn a new thing everyday (takes note).
of the rest of her troops, Shale was quickly proving to be a shameless
flirt in private. He had to admit, as their leader, it only made sense
that he sleep in her tent - anything else might make him seem subordinate
to her.
Suggest: tent; anything
Or: tent: Anything
Also: tent. Anything
ways to entertain himself. A little bit of detective work, to help put
together some old pieces that he never got the chance to play with in the
old days.
Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'work'.
around her until only a small tuft of blonde hair and one foot were
visible. The early morning sun streamed cheerfully through the slats of
her venetian blinds,
venetian --> Venetian
casting long bars of golden light across the piles
of laundry and scattered crates of Sailor V merchandise that littered her
floor.
Ah. Narcissistic, isn't she?
"Oh, he doesn't usually do that," Minako corrected the cat
absent-mindedly.
absentmindedly (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
"The princess of Venus most certainly did not have any boyfriends
*or* paramours!" Luna replied indignantly. "Why, the very idea would have
been scandalous! None of the Senshi had *anything* like that! Their focus
was entirely on their duties, as was only fitting for such powerful and
highly trained warriors."
Suggest: highly-trained warriors (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Personally, he did it because it meant he could enjoy the trip without
needing to dodge starstruck
Suggest: starstruck --> star-struck
somehow failing to date them when they had wanted him to. Somehow, his >
shrieking and fleeing in terror had gotten interperated as playing 'hard
interperated --> interpreted
as they had given him the directions to his father's office. She had the
first person who had ever looked at him and not been afraid.
She had --> She was
Remember to proofread, man.
he ever did manage to run into Sailor V; he'd probably come across like
just another giddy fanboy. She probably had so many people wanting to be
her boyfriend that she had a different guy for every day of the week.
(chokes) God, that's a good one.
Reaching the top of the stairs, Minako's shoe caught on the edge
of the step and flew off of her foot. Pinwheeling
Suggest: Pin-wheeling
her arms frantically,
Minako yelped and plunged facefirst into the ground, her one hand still
facefirst --> face-first
"You know something, Minako? You fall down *exactly* the same way
Usagi does."
That's a feat in and of itself.
Please, Mamoru, tell me you have not been seduced by the promise of
easy money and beautiful women!"
That's a quotable quote if I ever saw one.
"Hey, how come you're getting easy money and beautiful women?"
Motoki asked, as he walked up behind the two and gave Mamoru a look of
Suggest: asked as (comma muyo)
"Hey, I closed the arcade down all day just to help him build this
monstrosity! The least he could do is corrupt my noble soul, too!" Motoki
Suggest: soul too! (comma muyo)
"Maya?" Minako asked, her nose wrinkling in confusion.
She has gotten up from her fall by now, right?
"Yeah, you remember Maya Touno, right, Minako? The famous taiko
drummer that Rei talked into helping out at that big festival a year or
two ago?"
Wow. So what are you doing, fic? Popping up Sailor Moon DVDs on the player and
then randomly selecting one-shot, two-shot, and recurring characters from the
anime? Still, if you're doing that from memory, that's quite a memory you got
there. I vaguely remember such a girl.
booth' idea of yours, too..." He winked at her playfully. "Hey, promise
not to tell Usagi and I'll buy a few tickets, myself. Unless you think it
might corrupt my noble soul, of course."
Usagi: IT DEFINITELY WILL! MINA-CHAAAAN! DON'T YOU DARE!
"I thought Usagi made you promise not to make fun of us any more,"
Minako said sourly, as she pouted and folded her arms across her chest.
Suggest: said sourly as she (comma muyo)
at least. If she had been paying a little more attention to anything other
than her sick cat for the past few days, she might have known what was
going on here and saved herself some embarassment.
embarassment --> embarrassment
to go to the hospital for more than a quick check-up and an official bill
of health.
Suggest: checkup (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
Seiji did not like dark magic. He and dark magic did not get along
very well at all. Ever since he had joined the Samurai Troopers, it had
seemed like he was constantly running afoul of one evil sorceror after
sorceror --> sorcerer
another. This whole thing had all the classic marks of another attack by
the forces of the Evil Dynasty. So, since his transfer from Japan Railways
to Tokyu Rail
Unless I'm mistaken and there's such a place/adjective/whatever as 'Tokyu',
then suggest: Tokyo Rail
statue - the rest of the guys were starting a petition to get his picture
in the dictionary next to the word 'unflappable'. Given that they were
only a few signatures away from getting Ryo next to 'feckless',
Ryo: What the feck...?! Am NOT!
The most important thing was to set up his home base and get in
touch with the rest of the gang. First, though, he had better stop by the
local temple to pray for a safe journey and the well-being of his
teammates.
Of course. Wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly 'setup-ed' plot point, now would
we? Oh yeah, I would just like to mention that, despite the whole 'setup nearly
all the Samurai Troopers to a designated Senshi that _isn't_ already taken'
thing being blatantly cliche, I definitely applaud how you're going about it.
There _are_ times when cliche can be handled in such a way that it wouldn't
feel so old, tired, predictable, and dull! Kudos.
It had been nearly a day since they had found the cavern. Touma
had been the one who noticed it: a deep crack in the side of the canyon
wall that stretched for miles. The fissure snaked for miles through the
Yeah. We get it. The cave is many miles long. Suggest: getting rid of the
second 'for miles' to avoid unnecessary redundancy.
Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly
over and over again.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don�t repeat repeat any
words.
Makoto cast a glance in Touma's direction. The blue-haired teen
was sprawled on the rocky ground, one arm draped over his chest as he
slept. Touma had stretched out on the caveren floor and fallen asleep
caveren --> cavern
looking worse every time she checked on it. He needed to stay off of his
feet and get some rest, if he wanted to be good for anything when the time
Suggest: rest if he (comma muyo)
around the fact that he was a real, live, hero. A knight in shining
armour, even.
Suggest: real, live hero (comma muyo after 'live')
Okay, maybe it wasn't the *only* urge that filled her, but it was
definitely in there with all of the others. Her senpai was seriously in
need of some looking after if he expected to be able to take care of her.
That last sentence doesn't make sense. Not in the 'car-wreck sentence' sort of
way, but in the 'ironic' sort of way. ^^;
murder the two of you in your sleep. Of course, now you can both look
forward to starving to death, instead...."
Suggest: death instead...." (comma muyo)
Ganymede, as it is now known, is one of the moons of Jupiter. Of course,
in the old days nobody actually lived *on* Jupiter - the planet would have
crushed them. Your palace was on the moon of Io, and your subjects lived
on the various other moons.
Morpher Intsu (The Io Saga): As a by the way, none of them knew how to use a
match. Oh, and one of them is a Princess of Power, if memory serves me
correctly.
"Oh, good," Toshitada said hopefully. "Maybe there's still time
for us to starve to death, after all."
Suggest: death after all...." (comma muyo)
something tells me there's more going on here than meets the spy. Rei's
grandfather always gets in some kind of trouble when she's not around to
keep her eyes on him, and lions like him can't change their spots!"
Ah, Minako.
Following Minako's eagerly pointing finger, Luna noticed a
familiar looking girl
eagerly-pointing; familiar-looking (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Maya looked up and smiled politely in return. "I think I remember
you from the coffee shop," she replied. "Still stalking people?"
"Every chance I get!" Minako admitted cheerfully, taking a seat
bedside the other girl.
Ah, Minako.
"It's just some school work," she quickly explained, as Minako
Suggest: explained as Minako
If she missed the introductory speeches, it took *forever* to figure out
what was going on.
Well, that makes sense.
"Wow, that's pretty shallow," Minako commented. "I could never see
myself chasing after some guy and acting all desperate like that."
(chokes again) I like your portrayal of Minako. It's funny, and IC to boot.
"Is your cat okay?" Maya asked, suddenly concerned. "I think it
might be choking."
Heh.
side, and his grandson Touma was only slightly less annoying. There was
no telling when yet another Hashiba was going to leap out of the woodwork
and try to ruin her day. Every time she set foot on consectrated ground,
consectrated --> consecrated
four or five men dressed in Shino robes, putting together some sort of
Shino --> Shinto
giant wooden framework for something. Probably another of those nasty
spirit gates they liked putting up everywhere, she guessed. Some kind of
demon trap, maybe? You could never be too careful, with priests.
Suggest: careful with priests (comma muyo)
"That girl," Fei Lian said, his voice strained. "Impossible, it
is... how could she have escaped?"
Tsk, tsk. Damn anime and their generic character designs.
"The Archer!" Fei Lian spat, as he clawed at the small wooden
puzzle box inside his jacket. "Freed her, he has? Impossible! Unescapable,
Suggest: Unescapable --> Inescapable
"Transformed, she may be, but no magic shall hide from me my
rival!" Fei Lian vowed,
Hmmm. Either Fei Lian's an idiot, or there's another plot point waiting in the
fray. Or Fei Lian needs to be an idiot in order for the plot to advance.
"Hide from me, you cannot!" he called out to her, as he skimmed
Suggest: her as he (comma muyo, awkward pause)
"Three?" Fei Lian asked, as he drfited
drfited --> drifted
lazily to his feet. "A
stange way of counting, you Japanese must have. Only two, do I see."
stange --> strange
"Forget him, man!" the other boy with the shaggy hair replied
angrily. "We just gotta deal with this creep ourselves! Gramps, you get
Maya somewhere safe - we'll keep the guy in the hat busy!"
Grampa Hino: I have no dialogue in this scene whatsoever 'coz I'm not
important! (pouts prettily)
"The natural desire of any man to protect and shelter a girl in
danger should never be so callously ignored," he said warningly, as he
Suggest: warningly as he (comma muyo)
Motoki quickly scurried over to where Maya was and helped Yuuchirou lift
her. As they began to hurry back towards the temple, he gave Tuxedo Kamen
a suspicious look, then shook his head and ducked indoors with Rei's
grandfather following closely at his heels.
Grampa Hino: Don't I _at least_ get a "AHHHH! Monster! Let's run away!"
dialogue in there? Maybe? No? Ah, fudge sticks.
As soon as the others were clear Tuxedo Kamen leapt into the
Suggest: As soon as the others were clear, Tuxedo (comma needed)
his new opponent. They clashed in mid-air and thunder rumbled from the
midair (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
Mamoru jerked his head out of the way as a second spear hurtled past his
head and grazed his ear. Great; the monster could control his weapons
without needing to touch them. That was a very useful ability that Mamoru
was going to need to pick up, someday.
Well, you always got that Smoking Bomber thingy of yours.
Tuxedo Mask: Yeah, well shit. I'm out of luck. I'm anime-based.
What did this guy want with innocent little Maya, anyway? It
Suggest: Maya anyway? (comma muyo)
wasn't like she was any threat to him. She was just a normal girl. A
prodigy at playing the drums, maybe, but how did that rate a youma attack?
At least last time, she had been targeted b Eudial because of her pure
targeted b --> targeted by
heart. Was it part of some energy gathering scheme? If so, why hadn't
energy-gathering scheme? (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
bolt of lightning, and Fei Lian quickly leaned aside to let it pass by
before throwing himself forward again. There was a small explosion as the
rose hit one of the temple walls and vaporised, taking a large portion of
the wall with it.
O_o I don't remember Mamoru's flowers being able to do _that_. FLOWER POWER!
"Better creatures than you have said those words," Mamoru replied
confidently. "The last time I checked, none of them were around any more."
Yeah, well that's kind of your future-wife's fault, really.
Fei Lian responded by crouching low to the ground and growling. A
It's Morphin', er, Dragonball Z charging-up time!
The spears screeched through the air, spinning wildly and spitting
a meteor-like trail of sparks as they flew towards Tuxedo Kamen. Ducking,
he threw himself to the side and skidded across the ground, tumbling and
rolling to his feet again as they sparkling spears of energy twisted in
they sparkling spears --> the sparkling spears
their path and homed in on him again. Despite himself, Mamoru flinched
back and covered his eyes as a sudden blast of golden light filled the
darkened shrine with light and sound. He felt the shockwave hurl him
back, and bounced twice when he hit the ground. He was dead, he was done
for, there was no way that he could possibly have survived....
ECW audience: WUSSY! WUSSY! WUSSY! WUSSY...
It's unfortunate that Tux-boy doesn't have as much firepower or abilities as
the Samurai Troopers or the Senshi. Then again, with his limited arsenal and
main ability to merely provide backup when the going gets tough, it's kind of
hard to characterize him as anything but a wuss--er, a protector. Yeah.
'Mamoru' and all that crap.
Except that he was still alive. In fact, the longer he thought
about it, the less hurt he seemed to be. Opening one eye, Mamoru slowly
sat up and stared at a stunned looking Fei Lian. Somewhere between the
stunned-looking Fei Lian (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Feh. This time it's Mamoru who needs to be, er, 'Mamoru'-ed.
"What?" Fei Lian managed to stutter, as he slowly came out of the
Suggest: to stutter as he (comma muyo)
"One time," she intoned, her voice ringing out across the open
area as she reached up to touch the mask she wore, "I concealed my lovely
features behind a veil of mystery, but true beauty and justice can never
be hidden for long! I am the soldier of love, the pretty sailor-suited
warrior Salor Venus!
(facefault) And you were doing so well too...
Salor --> Sailor
Sailor Venus: That's what I said!
The divine archer Shen Yi and his lover Chang O may
forgive you for what you have done here, but I won't!" With a flourish,
Sailor Venus tore the mask from her face and leapt from her lofty perch.
Aw. So for some inexplicable reason, she had the ol' mask on.
Sailor Venus: Inexplicable my butt! This is my first appearance as Sailor Venus
in this fic, so I'm going to make my entrance as grand as possible!
U-huh. And your non-fourth-wall breaking reason?
Sailor Venus: Hell-ooo... Me getting my 'Grand Entrance' is as canon and
in-character as you can get, buddy!
Tuxedo Mask: Though I think her botching up of speeches is very in-character as
well.
Sailor Venus: ...Shut up, wussy.
She landed directly in the centre of the large black mark she had
blasted in the ground, and tossed her mask aside with a flourish as the
light on her changed colour to become an angry crimson. "Dark and
cannister man, have at thee!"
cannister --> canister
"Sinister!" a voice whispered harshly from the bushes.
Heh.
"Dark and *sinister* man, have at thee!" Sailor Venus corrected
herself without missing a beat, as Mamoru quickly ran alongside her and
Suggest: beat as Mamoru (comma muyo)
forward, his cane stretching until it was nearly as long as a bo staff,
and he deftly spun it towards the back of Fei Lian's knees as Sailor
Venus vaulted over a piece of rubble and hurled herself at the youma's
face, fist first.
Suggest: fist-first
"VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN!"
Suggest: LOVE-ME
"Keep your mind on the mission, Sailor Venus," he admonished her,
as they clambered to their feet. "I don't think that's going to do more
Suggest: admonished her as they (comma muyo)
The pile exploded in a hail of screeching wind and flying debris,
as Fei Lian rocketed up from his makeshift cairn in a nimbus of
Suggest: debris as Fei Lian (comma muyo)
coruscating energy. His eyes were alive with violet fire, and his face
was drawn into a grim rictus
What's a rictus?
Reaching his knees, he stretched his hand towards the two heroes and a
breeze stirred weakly around them, fluttering Mamoru's cape and ruffling
Sailor Venus' skirt.
Sailor Venus: KYAAAA!
"Well, this is a disturbing development," a young Chinese woman
said dryly, as she walked out of the shadows and calmly lit her cigarette.
Suggest: dryly as she (no need for the comma)
"That's really none of my business," Xiang Yao replied lazily, as
she took a long drag from her cigarette and released a cloud of smoke into
Suggest: Xiang Yao replied lazily as (no need for the comma)
foot-long talons of bilous
bilous --> bilious
green crystal. With a flick of her wrist, she
sent all five nails soaring towards Sailor Venus. Realising her intent,
Tuxedo Kamen leapt in the way and cried out as all five blades sunk into
his chest.
Yeah. You do that, Mamoru. Go Mamoru her.
"Tuxedo Kamen! Are you okay?"
Tuxedo Mask: (croaks) I-I-I've been b-better...
"What did you do to him?" Venus asked, glaring at the youma as
she rose to her feet and clenched her fists.
"Who? Oh, him. I poisoned him, of course." Xiang Yao blinked and
IMO, it would make much more sense if you simply had Venus ask "What did you to
Tuxedo Mask?" so Xiang Yao's reply of "Who?" would make much more sense.
"This doesn't look good," Luna said quietly, her ears flattening
against her skull as her tail drooped sorrowfully. "I've never seen a
venom this toxic before."
"I have," a young man in green armour interjected,
The Atomic Starlight Knight?
Starlight Knight (NETTG-TINT): I ain't atomic no more.
hopping down
from the branches of a nearby tree.
You should thank your lucky stars that this isn't a dark fic, Tux-boy.
Tuxedo Mask: (gurgles) Thank the gods for plot points!
"It wasn't fun," Sailor Venus said flatly, as she pressed her
hand on the side of Tuxedo Kamen's neck. His pulse was weakening, beating
againt
Suggest: Sailor Venus said flatly as she (comma muyo)
Revise: againt --> against
Silently, the blonde girl moved to one side and let Seiji crouch
beside her. A set of whiskers inched around his leg, as Luna tried to get
Suggest: leg as Luna (comma muyo)
sides of Mamoru's head and started to rub in small circles around the
other man's temples. A bilous green mist began to pour from Tuxedo Kamen's
bilous --> bilious
Mamoru's eyes snapped open and he took a sudden, ragged breath.
With a spastic jerk, he bolted upright and clutched his chest, his mask
falling from his face as he looked around him.
Of course the plot would do everything in its powers to let only fellow good
guys learn the secret identities of the superhero.
as empty as a tomb. The classes sat empty, their desks lined in perfect
rows and still gleaming softly from the ritual cleaning they had recieved
recieved --> received
A single man walked the hallways,
Sailor Venus: A single man? Where? Is he cute?
lock open without harming any of the files inside. That took more fine
control.
Suggest: more fine control --> finer control/much finer type of control
The lock clicked, and Jadeite smiled with relief. Luckily, he had
always prided himself on his fine control. Sliding the drawer open, he
quickly rifled through the thick stack of manilla folders within.
manilla --> manila
He had tried to warn Beryl not to freeze him. He had tried to
explain what he had discovered, but she had paid no attention to him.
Oh yeah. I vaguely remember that. And _of course_ the plot had to conspire on
him to bend reality and events so that, ironically, he and his secret would be
sealed forever in anime canon.
"Let's see," Jadeite muttered, scanning over the first few pages.
"Age sixteen, five feet, four inches tall... born July 30... Hmmm.
Usagi: (cheerfully tells Jadeite her sign) I'm a Cancer!
Jadeite: (raises an eyebrow) ...To society or to yourself?
Shaking it off, Jadeite flipped open the next folder and began to
Suggest: Jadeite flipped the next folder open (flows better, IMO)
looked up at him in shock. A pair of keys were still held in his hand,
Suggest: A pair of keys was (since it is just _a_ pair of keys, singular)
"What the hell-"
Suggest: hell-?!"
Or: hell..?!"
of his presence. The last thing he wanted this early in the game was for
any of the Senshi to know he was coming. Especially not when he had all
of their friends and loved ones held so close to his heart.
Killing people was easy. Hurting them? That was an art.
Good chapter. I can't wait for more. ^_^
To Be Continued...
Woohoo! And unless you suddenly released a chapter or three in the middle of
things, there's only one more chapter to go for my C&Cing!
I think it needs to be said before we get to the grammar rules:
Grammar Lesson No. 1: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked, replied,
pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the character says
inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech
indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a period instead of
an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the period with a
comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement after the
dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing
to do with the dialogue.
And now for the grammar rules:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly
over and over again.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Save for the extra grammar lesson, your batting average on broken grammar rules
(five) is back to form. Though I _do_ wish that Grammar Rule #0 be taken off
the list altogether in the future. As I've said before, prereading and/or
proofreading is the key to getting rid of brain-fart mistakes like 'similiar',
'succed', 'fulfil', 'Salor', 'manilla', 'recieved', 'bilous', 'againt',
'cannister', (unless that is, again, a Commonwealth spelling, and I'm mistaken
with my correction), 'consectrated', 'drfited', 'caveren', 'unescapable',
'sorceror', 'Shino' (should have been 'Shinto'), 'interperated',
'embarassment', and many, many more.
Summary: Prose flowed reasonably well, most of the grammar mistakes are
avoidable so all you really need is a really good proofreading and prereading
the next time, and the content leaves me more than a little curious to what
will happen next. The last thing was an understatement, of course. Even a
basic, 'setup' chapter for greater plot points such as this is just as
enjoyable as a 'confrontation and plot resolution' chapter. That's 'coz I enjoy
the journey, y'see. Certainly, it was worth a light chuckle or ten, and it even
had several genuine 'awww' moments. As for the grammar... we-ll, I hope it
improves so that it can coincide with the greatness that is the story plot.
It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not all that
horrible either. No purple prose. No thesaurus words. Quite a bit of spelling
problems but most of these can be easily fixed. As such, kudos again. Keep on
writing. Abdiel out.
Hindi mo naiintindihan itong pangungusap na ito,
Abdiel
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."
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