Haven't read earlier parts, but I'm finally getting around to a little
C&C, so let's do it!

--- Justin Wagner <jbraveboy@gmail.com> wrote:

<snip>

Konatsu chewed on the body of his mechanical pencil as he read over the
last question on the written exam. He could feel the answer just under
the surface, or perhaps in the periphery of his mind, and once he found
it, the response was so obvious he couldn't believe he'd hesitated at
all. Writing the answer in English instead of Japanese was also a
little
surreal, but after a month of doing it, almost instinctive. Truly, the
Pedagogical Psionic Interface (or 'Reading Rainbow as some called it)
was an amazing thing.

If it's surreal after a month of doing it, perhaps put "still surreal."
It sounds weird like it is.

<snip>

Yes, Kuno had been quite lucky to escape with no major injuries.

There's something to go back and read.

<snip>

He turned to the next question:

what is the circumference of a moose?

<snip>

"Could I talk to you for a minute, Konatsu?" Ryouga asked, politely.

"Of course, Hibiki-taichou!" he replied, bowing his head slightly. The
lost one seemed a little bemused by the response. Konatsu could guess
it
was more respectful than what he was used to from the members of his
squad. Tacking on the taichou suffix to indicate his superior rank was
likely something the others probably wouldn't tend to do.

It sounds strange too, but seems to be in the style of the story. I like
it.

Konatsu couldn't find any fault in that statement, but there was
something, while on this topic, that he now felt comfortable enough to
broach (having already bared his feelings on the matter).

Wow, that is one akward sentence. It would probably do better to make
everything up to the first comma its own sentence, since that is a
complete thought. Then cut 'but there was something' entirely and make
the remainder one whole sentence.

<snip>

"Later," the lost one offered, and quickly left. Watching him walk down
the hall, lead by Shirokuro, Konatsu wondered how honest about that
last
part the other man had been. If fact, it had sounded like he and Ukyou
had been quite close, or at least closer than Konatsu had ever really
been with the girl he loved. As it was, he felt a little jealous, not
so
much because he worried that Ryouga might try and reacquaint himself
with Ukyou, but because said lost boy seemed to have had fun times with
her on strange schemes and adventures.

Awkward bit in the first two setences again. I have no good suggestions
for fixing it though; just pointing it out.

All he had ever gotten to do was wait tables.

Aww...

Ukyou, this time, had the good sense to move. With a yelp, she jumped
to
her feet as the vacuum blade curved around at a severe angle, like a
boomerang, to strike from around her static defensive position. Ryouga
watched; not only evaluating Ukyou's ability to move while injured and
carrying her weapon, which still had the practice weights attached, but
also Ryu's new technique. The Kijin Raishu Tekidan, or Demon God
Assault
Grenade, was designed to defeat enemies hiding behind defilade, or
under
cover. It could curve into a trench, around a tree, arc through a
doorway...

It was promising.

Heh.

<snip>

"It... it isn't easy to believe that, when there's this... this wave of
energy bearing down on you!" Ukyou winced at the memory.

"No," he said in response. "No. It isn't."

For a few seconds, she started at him, and then briefly at Ryu. He
could
see how his words bounced around in her mind as she thought more about
it, and tried to assimilate it. She didn't become discourage, like a
part of him had feared. She learned. She kept trying. And it impressed
him.

'discouraged'

And he wished he'd seen this side of her a year ago.

'And' really isn't necessary there.

The twenty first of November came more quickly than Konatsu could have
imagined.

It's still right after the 20th, isn't it?

Waiting in the dojo proper, he saw another individual enter. There was
a
small crowd already in attendance; people who had heard that a duel was
about to take place, and who had decided to drop by to check it out. A

Remove comma --------^

few of these were Dojo regulars he had seen before, and some of the
others were mentors of the 'kids' in the two new squads. The only
conspicuous absences were those of India Squad, who had been sent off
over a day ago on a mission and had yet to return.

What, precisely, does 'over a day ago' mean?

<snip>

On the plus side, he didn't have to worry about collateral damage here.

Heh.

<snip>

With a savage cry, okonomiyaki met shuriken, exploding in midair.

Solid fight scene, but that closing really takes the cake.

<snip>

"Trying to take advantage of a poor helpless beautiful young woman lost
in the city...!" Mrs. Hibiki suddenly took on a teary eyed look. "Did I
go too far when I broke their leader's arm? Perhaps. Did I go too far
when I threw one of them through a wall? Maybe. Did I go too far when I
made another one eat his cell phone? Ok, yes, I guess I did. But it was
self defense! I have a right to defend myself!"

Well, that is a convincing argument.

<snip>

Wiping blood from his face, and taking in the ruined status of his
beloved restaurant, Kazuo wished he'd had that cognac handy. It would
be
a while before he could rebuild, but in the meantime there was always
the portable yatai grill. He turned and began to ponder how he would
explain things to the police. Behind him, the jagged pillar of batter
and building materials hardened to the consistency of concrete.

Very cool.

<snip>

And then, with a savage cry of anger and despair, it began.

Yes, that's usually how I begin the next chapter of any story.

Just a few small errors to report. I could have made more jokes but it's
late and I'm tired. I'm punching in my karma card and calling it a night.

Good luck on the next chapter.

Later,
Rick Spiff

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