"Eimii" <eimii@bresnan.net> wrote:

I am uncomfortable writing Anko's character from an internal 
viewpoint,

I'm having problems looking at things from inside the head of my
three-quarters human version of Rei Ayanami, but I'm still going to do 
it.
It'll only be for one chapter and I think it's worth the trip.

I could have waited to write this fic until i had a total workup of the 
internal emotional structure of every character present, though perhaps 
i'm not patient or thorough enough for that sort of thing. I do intend 
to have one ready before the next time i have to get into Anko's head, 
though i wish she were given more canon appearances to use as a 
guideline. I might mention at this point that i tend to write 'without a 
net;' Anko wasn't nearly as important to the story when i started as she 
is now, so it has become more necessary for me to know how she thinks 
and feels. Hopefully, her later appearances will not be so awkward.

Another verb might have worked better, though i'm not sure which one.
The implication should have been that Sakura was less than purposeful 
in
her travel from the bathroom to the front door; had there been a
selection of viable routes from the bathroom to the front door, she
would have taken the least direct one.

Then you could simply show her pausing somewhere along the way to do
something that would not logically advance her march to the door and 
the
point would be clear.  In addition this could show Sakura's agenda. 
Does
she worry about her appearance or grab a weapon?

I cannot do this because she does not do that; adding additional actions 
simply to color the execution of the original action doesn't strike me 
as an ideal solution. She does not have an agenda; she hasn't thought 
too deeply about what she will do when she opens the door. She's simply 
dragging her feet in a less than obvious fashion. I would use the verb 
'plod' rather than 'wander,' but she is not that reluctant.

The beats are coming on so fast that I feel beat up.

Should i endeavor to reduce the speed for easier consumption, or 
merely
feel pleased at this act of prosaic pugilism? I'm not sure...

All I'm asking for is proportion and a presumption for dialog.

I acknowledge that the dialogue i employ is not totally realistic; i do 
try to arrange things for effect, and in some cases the speed of the 
beats is accelerated intentionally. Anko and Sakura (in this story, at 
least) both have fast wits and fast tongues. Thus, their exchanges tend 
to be very rapid, especially when they're not permitting themselves time 
to think. In these cases, dialogue will become more prevalent and 
closely spaced than it is in the bulk of the story. Often, when i do 
this near the end of chapters or sections, i will omit everything except 
for the dialogue, but i tend not to do this in the middle of sections 
because, frankly, i like 'color' prose more than dialogue; this is a 
personal preference. Do you have a suggestion on how the pacing of this 
particular section could be improved?

~Eimii 


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