Standard Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am not
God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Ah, yet another victim from the past... ^_^
On 10/22/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
Since there have been formatting problems, we'll try this in Notepad
(since Wordpad had wordwrap issues
~Halleluiah, Halleluiah... Halle--('whooomph' sound of a record needle being
forcefully taken off an old-style pizza-plate record)
Whoops. Cut the music, cut the music... False alarm, the formatting woes are
still here. (hem, hem) Well DB, I must apologize to you. After researching the
formatting matter further by reading C&Cs to your works other than mine,
comparing your fic formatting in the past to the present, and generally trying
to avoid my 'armchair critiquing' tendencies and actually applying common sense
to my assessments, I have come to the conclusion that it's either 'gmail' or
'connecttime' that's ruining your posts' formatting from my side of the fence.
I came up with the former conclusion after seeing that most of the other C&Cers
aside from me don't seem to mind/notice/care about the formatting issues and
I'm the only one who constantly brings it up every C&C. The latter conclusion
comes from the fact that all your posts B.C. (i.e., before connectime.net...
3rdm.net era) didn't have all these funky formatting problems. (sighs) At this
point, the only solution I see is to find out if connecttime has a setting
that'd make it send and receive plaintext-formatted (Unicode/UTF-8) mail.
In conclusion, forget about it. It's just not worth the hassle. Sorry for
wasting your bandwidth and time, I'm fairly sure I'm the only one who
gets/cares about these strange non-ascii symbols in your post anyway. I won't
push the issue any further.
[Last chapter: After defeating Swarm, Iron Rose headed to her new
acquisition, only to discover the Man Beast and his Ani-Men already
there. After a brief fight, Iron Rose was defeated as Man Beast began
his insidious scheme]
Ani-Men --> Ani Men (last chapter, you opted for the latter spelling; be
consistent)
...Though I actually prefer 'Ani-Men', truth be told. If you'd rather opt for
the 'X-Men'-like spelling 'Ani-Men', then I suggest going back to the previous
chapter and revising it as such. Otherwise, if you want to do a simpler job in
revising, just get rid of the hyphenated versions found in this chapter.
Hmmm. Y'know, this fic is becoming quite, well, comic-like with all the 'Last
chapter' summaries at the beginning and all.
Nabiki: (muted trumpet call plays in the background) Congratulations, Captain
Obvious! This fic _is_ comic-like!
(clears throat) Thing is, I have my worries about the comic part swallowing the
anime part in the long run. Is this the case nowadays in the later chapters?
We'll see.
xxxxxxxxxx
��judging from what Humbug said, and if those Host Club losers are
indication, this Man Beast guy is up to no good.
(muted trumpet call) Mwa-wa-wa-waaaah...
Nabiki: And here's Captain Obvious's First Lieutenant!
Apparently he�s some
animal rights loon that�s calling for likeminded nutjobs to rise up and
Wow... 'likeminded' is a dictionary-verifiable word. Too bad 'nutjobs' isn't.
Suggest: nut-jobs
cause trouble.�
Finished delivering his speech, Captain Japan surveyed the table which
Um, 'Finished delivering his speech' as a clause connected to 'Captain Japan
surveyed' seems fragmented when spoken aloud. Suggest: After he finished
delivering his speech, Captain Japan...
held all of the Avengers, save the absent Iron Rose. The diverse group
of heroes seemed to listening intently, although who knew if the Hulk
Um, 'seemed to listening intently' sounds... wrong. As in car-wreck wrong.
Suggest: The diverse group of heroes seemed to listen intently, (not a good
suggestion either, but that's the best I could come up with given such short
notice)
Giant Man, at his normal height despite the over-sized chair that had
over-sized --> oversized ('oversized', like 'likeminded', is a
dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w, so no need for the hyphen)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
�So what should we do to the varlets?� Thor asked, stood imperiously
before the group, looking like she wanted to smash something.
Hmmm. Car-wreck sentence again. Suggest: Thor asked, stood imperiously before
the group, looking --> Thor asked as she stood imperiously before the group,
looking/Thor asked, standing imperiously over the group and looking
You're making far more car-wreck sentences than usual, DB (that is, you're
actually _making_ car-wreck sentences). I'm beginning to think that placing
this fic in Notepad was a bad idea because MS Word's handy-dandy
spelling/grammar crutches--erhm, helpers aren't there to help.
But of course you yourself are a good proofreader sans MS crutches, so I'm
guessing this fic simply wasn't as well-proofread as all your past fics with
how soon this was sent out.
Well, y'know what to do... read the fic aloud after letting it percolate and
all that... so I'm sure you'll be able to fix this chapter by the second or
third draft.
Wasp answered, �Obviously we hunt down this Man Beast person, since from
his name it�s obvious he�s some sort of super-villain, and beat him up.
Hank McCoy: (pouts) A rose by any other name, my dear. A rose by any other
name.
And we also beat up anyone who�s following his orders.� She sounded like
she was even more eager than Thor.
I know Kasumi's kind-of, sort-of OOC when she's in Wasp mode, but imagining her
saying all these things in her soft, cheerful, and vacuous Kikuko Inoue/Willow
Johnson voice fills me with hearty giggles. ^_^
�Like against the Serpent Society?� Wasp asked a bit testily at the
perceived attempt to ruin her fun.
Oh yeah. Those guys. Hmmm. I don't like them very much for the simple fact that
they were introduced into the series the way cannon fodder is usually
introduced; with zero buildup and a haphazard, touch-and-go appearance. This
current crop of villainous Ani Men led by the ever-suave, ever-powerful and
dangerously cunning Man Beast... Now _these_ are villains that the reader can
sink his teeth into!
But of course there's always the chance that the Serpent Society will
eventually get their back and front stories fleshed out in the long run, so
excuse me for getting ahead of myself.
That definitely caught the Hulk�s interest. �Hulk doesn�t like snakes.
If there are snakes, Hulk will smash.�
Samuel L. Jackson: It's too late for me to make a joke about this. That ship...
or plane, as the case may be... has already sailed/flown far, far away by this
time. Nowadays, I'm Afro Samurai! HOO-HA!
Indiana Jones: Hell, need _I_ say more?
Wasp flew over and landed on the green goliath�s shoulder. �See? The
Hulk agrees with me.� She kissed him on the cheek, making the Hulk blush
and Giant Man come close to openly crying.
And this scene reminds me of the Dexter's Lab filler cartoon, Justice Friends.
^_^;
It was at that moment the Avenger�s faithful butler (nee ninja) Sasuke,
'nee'? Nanee? Erhm, nani?
Let me just clarify, this is merely a 'Thomas Michael Edwards knows I don't
have a godly lexicon and will gleefully point this fact out and tell me to eat
a dictionary if given the chance' moment. (exhales) What does 'nee' stand for
and when should 'nee' be used in a sentence/aside/whatnot?
��saying that the animal rights group known as the Animal Liberation
Front has seized control of the headquarters of Kobayashi
The 'Friends of Humanity' will have a field day with 'Animal Liberation Front',
if ever.
Akemi held a hand to her earpiece. After a few moments, she said, �I�ve
just been informed that the leader of the ALF has released a video,
apparently some prerecording, listing his demands. We will show it to
you in its entirety right now.�
The screen shifted, a logo of Channel 4 appearing in the lower corner.
In front of an ostentatious podium was Man Beast, dressed in a formal
business suit that was a stark contrast to the animal head poking out of
the top.
And this is certainly reminiscent of a video game cut scene before the, well,
the game itself. Big fight atmosphere, with all the setup. I like the way
you're milking the moment; less drag, more suspense.
begin by offering my apologies for what is undoubtedly an interruption
in your daily newscast. I am afraid that forces beyond my control have
forced me to take extreme measures, for which I am deeply sorry. I have
seized control of the Kobayashi Pharmaceuticals building as a protest
against the deplorable, barbaric, slaughter of poor, innocent animals
Suggest: deplorable and barbaric slaughter (no need for the extraneous commas)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
involving this sort of uncivilized behavior. Our intention is to harm no
one, however any attempt to retake the building before we are ready to
give it up will result in a battle, one in which I cannot guarantee the
safety of all involved. There are a number of concerns I wish for the
government to discuss, while we of the ALF continue to retain control of
this building as a message of the seriousness of our desires to open a
dialogue whereby everyone might arrive to a satisfactory conclusion.�
Nice monologue.
It took only several moments for the Avengers to load themselves into
their quinjet, Captain Japan grumbling the whole time about bad guys
didn�t know anything about timing. As they did so, a figure emerged from
Car-wreck sentence no. 3. Suggest: Captain Japan grumbling the whole time about
bad guys didn't know anything about timing --> Captain Japan grumbling the
whole time about bad guys that didn't know anything about timing (missing word,
'that')/ Captain Japan grumbling the whole time about how bad guys didn't know
anything about timing (missing word, 'how')
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
its hiding place and followed them. It flitted between the few shadows
offered in the small flight hanger with a preternatural ability, one so
(adds 'preternatural' to my vocabulary) A fic that teaches new words; just how
geeky is that? :P Educational Fanfic, the new trend in fandom!
Slitted pupils watched intently as the boarding ramp folded up. While it
Suggest: Slitted --> Slit pupils/narrowed eyes/whatnot
I realize that 'slit pupils' gives you a vision of, well, slit and bleeding
pupils/suicidal goth kids, but that's the best that I could suggest.
On the other hand, 'slitted' isn't so bad a word; it certainly would make more
sense to see it in an online dictionary than, say, 'bootylicious'.
In the main research lab of Kobayashi Pharmaceuticals, Man Beast stood
before a large bank of computer terminals, appearing as though he owned
the world. Flanking him were his most important feline minion, Tabur,
and his most important human one Shinjiro Hikami. Rounding out the
human one Shinjiro --> human one, Shinjiro (missing comma)
Man Beast watched her with rapt attention. Overrider�s hand was
literally inside the screen, words and numbers flashing by at a rate so
quickly even Man Beast�s highly evolved intellect couldn�t follow. That
and her hand was in the way.
Heh. It just wouldn't be a DB Sommer fic without the digressive,
tongue-in-cheek comedy. That's not to say you can't do serious stuff, but...
comedy is second nature to you, apparently. I daresay this was an involuntary
relapse! :P
�It�s a �safe room�,� Overrider said. �If its integrity is compromised
in any way, special stand-alone incinerators inside the room will
stand-alone --> standalone ('standalone' can standalone as a d-v-w, so hyphen
muyo)
The anger remained on Man Beast�s features for only a moment, then it
passed, an eerie sort of calmness settling over him. �You�ve done so
Suggest: passed, an eerie sort of calmness settling over him --> passed as an
eerie sort of calmness settled over him (replace comma with 'as', edit clause
tense accordingly)
much for me, I suppose you�re entitled to an explanation. Culture 1201
was initially started as a cure for cancer. A virus that�s was intended
that�s was --> that was
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
But after it�s finished with the cancer
cells, it moves on to the healthy ones, literally devouring the flesh
from the bones. It�s an airborne virus as well, so it�s easily transmitted�
transmitted" --> transmitted." (punctuation error, missing period)
manufacturer like Kunou Enterprises. I wouldn�t be surprised if the
government secretly commissioned them to work on bio-weapons, as well as
working on medicine that only attack symptoms of the disease, rather
Suggest: bio-weapons, as well as working on medicine --> bio-weapons as well as
medicine (flows better, IMO)
�Oh, I intend to go public with the virus, all right,� Man beast said,
bemused.
Hmmm. Just to be safe...
If you meant 'bemused' to mean 'morbidly amused', then it's as wrong as
referring to 'nonplussed' as 'unimpressed'. If you wanted to portray Man Beast
as genuinely confused, then by all means, he was 'bemused' when he said what he
said. 'Confused' sounds rather inapt given the circumstances of his reply,
though.
Grammar Rule #75: 'Nonplussed' doesn't mean 'unimpressed' and 'bemused' doesn't
mean 'amused'; they both mean 'confused'. Please do not be 'nonplussed' and
'bemused' about these two words' actual meaning.
Man Beast�s snout turned into a rictus grin. �I�m disappointed in you,
Shinjiro. I thought you had vision. I thought you were willing to
sacrifice anything, even your life, for the cause of saving animals from
people. And I, being a kind and generous leader, am eager to give you
the opportunity to live up to those expectations. Not another single
animal will ever die at humanity�s hands again if there are no humans to
kill them. It�s the only sensible solution that guarantees animals
protection long after we are gone.�
IMO, Man Beast > Herbdarin as a boss. For one thing, he's presenting himself to
be a genuine threat to humanity, unlike Herb's tired shtick of dragon-blood
nobility and conquer-the-world mentality. Too bad Man Beast will only last an
arc, but it was a blast having him around.
�I already know about Darwinism,� Shinjiro said, then immediately
regretted the words. If Man Beast wanted to explain evolution to him in
excruciating detail, it would be best to listen. As long as the
half-crazed animal was talking to Shinjiro, it meant he wasn�t trying to
exterminate Shinjiro, and the human race along with him. Besides, maybe
there was something he could say to get his leader to refocus on the
true nature of the cause. He was probably just getting caught up in the
moment. Power corrupting and all that.
Frozone (The Incredibles): Yeah! That's it, baby! Go for the monologue! Go for
making him recite his prepared speech about the utter destruction of the human
race and how insignificant we humans are in his presence. And besides, this Man
Beast dawg is kind of cool, so maybe his monologue will be halfway interesting!
If there ever was a Comic Book Character's Guide for Surviving in Comic Book
Land, then making the villain monologue would be listed as step one.
Indiana Jones: Just how many Samuel L. Jackson cameos will this feedback be
having, exactly?
�There is a race of enigmatic beings, thousands of feet tall and each
encased in its own unique armor, called the Celestials. They go around
from life bearing planet to life bearing planet, since that is what they
all instances of 'life bearing' --> 'life-bearing' (compound descriptors and
whatnot)
For just a brief instant, Shinjiro could understand how a person could
kill an animal, given the insane creature before him. He�d feel guilty
Sayuri: I certainly learned how to loathe plants through a Sommer fic; Being in
one is indeed a life-changing experience. Granted, I'm in a fic called
'Sextacular', so my expectations shouldn't have been so high to begin with...
Heh. As a btw... (nudge, nudge) How about writing a Sextacular chapter one of
these days, DB? ;)
about such thoughts later, since they went against everything he
believed in, but right now he had to make it out of the room alive, and
there was only one way to do that. �It all makes sense when you put it
that way. Yes, you are right, Sir. We do need to remove humanity form
form --> from
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
the equation. It�s the only way to be sure.� Shinjiro tried sounding
fanatically devoted to the Man Beast�s cause.
Hmmm. I'll be doing a nitpick this time around; is it 'the Man Beast' or is it
'Man Beast'? I've seen the same thing happen to 'Batman' ('The Batman',
anyone?) and Battousai (The Hitokiri Battousai is acceptable considering the
translation, but _the_ Battousai? Not so sure). Or are you simply using both? I
suggest sticking to one, but it's not necessarily bad to use them
interchangeably.
�Excellent.� And with that Man Beast grabbed Shinjiro�s head and snapped
his neck with barely a hint of his true strength.
Just another victim.
The frightened sound of a human voice quavered, �The Avengers are
attacking the building. They�re hitting the lobby.�
Ant Man: Avengers, assemble!
Captain America: Pfft. It's those cheesy lines that made you part of the B-Team
in the first place.
Ant Man: Oh, and having a theme song that goes, 'When Captain America throws
his mighty shield' is any better?
�Which might hold them off for several seconds,� Man Beast snarled. �Get
the rest of our companions. We just need to buy an hour of time. And if
we have to kill those fools to do it,� he smiled viciously. �All the
better.�
Hehehe. Enough of the cliffhangers and damn that Zeigarnik effect to hell. It's
game time. Plot Resolution, yo!
Captain America: 'It's game time'... Now that's a catch phrase that'll sell!
Ant Man: Unlike your movie...
Captain America: Feh. At least I was actually _in_ a movie!
�They are immensely dissatisfying,� Wasp said as she relieved the last
of the resistance of her consciousness with a low powered sting.
low powered --> low-powered
Hmmm? What exactly do you mean by 'resistance of her consciousness'?
�Hulk would pass strength test. Probably get �A�,� he admitted.
Yeah. Like I said before, your Hulk reminds me more of Justice Friend's
'Incragable Krunk' than the actual, Lon Chaney-like, misunderstood Frankenstein
monster Hulk or even Ang Lee's digitally dead Hulk. Then again, I wasn't really
that avid of a reader of Hulk's adventures, so perhaps actual comic writers
have utilized the humor potential of the childlike Hulk.
Wasp said, �It would be a lot more fun than beating up on these, what
should we call them, lackies? Minions?�
lackies --> lackeys
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
�Too true,� Man Beast acknowledged. �But while we are not human, and are
proud of our animal heritage, we still regard ourselves as equal to
humans, and worthy of the same respect you would give to others whose
only common ground with you might be their genetic structure.�
Smooth-talking bastard, he is. The scene with the guy who got his neck broken
does well to reveal to the reader the underlying threat that Man Beast
represents without being so overstated about it. Despite your beliefs to the
contrary, you _can_ do show and not tell quite well without your innate message
going over your readers' heads. ^_^
one takes up arms against us, we will harm no one. Feel free to remain
outside, poised to fall upon us should we try to break our word or
affect an escape in any way. I would not protest your presence, and
He's smarter than the average bear-dog-mammal-thingy... Yeah.
Giant Man smiled. �Actually that sounds��
�--Like whatever master scheme you have is only going to take an hour to
do,� Captain Japan finished. �You super-villain mastermind types always
try the same tricks, and they always fail. You�re just so predicable it
makes me wanna barf.�
Captain America: See here? My fanfic counterpart has the right idea. That kind
of nice-guy attitude _your_ fanfic counterpart is displaying shows that he
really does belong in the B-team.
Ant Man: (grumbles, wonders idly if he can join the Ani Men by virtue of his
codename)
Man Beast�s eyebrow twitched in fury. �Let�s see if you can predict
this. You�ll��
�--Never leave this building alive,� Captain Japan finished with a smirk.
Man Beast trembled in rage, almost having a mini-seizure. �Kill them!
And make it��
�Painful!� Captain Japan shouted.
Hehehe. Well, Cap's got a point.
Naturally, all the Avengers did so, while all of the Ani-Men, except
Dragonfly, made a point of staring at the ground. The heroes watched as
her pupiless
pupiless --> pupil-less
Cat Man looked at Dragonfly�s back as he complimented her. �Telling them
not to look into those hypnotic eyes of yours was a nice touch.�
Dojo Destroyer: ...So you hate it too.
Dragonfly: Hell, yeah.
A billy club bounced off her head, making her break eye contact with the
group as a dazed Dragonfly fluttered to the ground, her eyes reverting
back to their normal white.
�I guess I didn�t get it,� Daredevil bragged as his companions began
blinking back into the real world.
Daredevil: Each of us is here to fill in each other's weakness, apparently.
Captain Japan: Wow. Sounds deep.
�Don�t worry, I�ll help!� Captain Japan hurled his shield at the feline,
only to have a green blur cut into the path of the weapon, kicking it
out of midair.
Midair! w00t! Finally! My quest to have that spelled sans hyphen is slowly
taking fruition!
�What do you know, a Frog guy that doesn�t completely suck,� Captain
Japan admitted. �Though they�ll be serving frog legs in prison before
the night is out.�
�We�ll see about that, humie!� Frog Man leapt at him again.
Heh. These 'muties' _are_ the new 'Friends of Humanity', but only in reverse; I
can't believe I've only picked up on this just now. That, and Ani-Men are the
X-Men in reverse... I guess. :P
The Hulk was still in the process of blinking his eyes free, his mind
being more captivated than by Dragonfly�s hypnosis than the others, when
Revise: more captivated than by Dragonfly's --> more captivated by Dragonfly's
(get rid of 'than')
Since he had lost sight of Wasp, and no one seemed to be attacking her,
Giant Man finally decided on helping the blind adventurer. He was about
to kick at Cat Man when a loud ear-piercing shriek caused the hairs on
loud, ear-piercing (the comma adds a natural pause to the prose, IMO)
the back of his neck to stand up. He turned toward the sound, only to
have a whirling dervish of feathers and claws rake at his eyes as Bird
Man attacked.
Bird Man: BIIIIIIRD MAAAAAN!!!
Ant Man: (suddenly has a growing disdain for Adult Swim and Boomerang)
Wasp winced as Giant Man tried to keep his eyes from being scratched
out. She wanted to save Tofu, of course, but he was going to have to
hold his own for a moment. The woman with the insect wings, like Wasp�s
Suggest: for a moment --> for the moment
Before Wasp could fire her blast, Dragonfly spun in a one hundred eighty
degree arc, lashing out with a fist. The blow had a built up a great
deal of velocity as it unerringly knocked Wasp out of the air and to the
had a built up a great --> had built up a (verb-noun confusion on 'built up')
Thor had just in time to see a jagged bolt of pink energy leap from his
Thor had just in time --> Thor turned/backpedaled/dodged/whatnot just in time
�As though some deluded human has the right to judge one so vastly her
evolutionary superior,� Man Beast roared as he unleashed yet another
bolt of mental energy.
Tsk. I'm guessing (and I'll probably be wrong) that Thor's one of the
'Eternals' or whatever the Celestials created?
Thor raised her hammer and a beam of electricity fired from it, meeting
the mental blast in mid-air. A flash of blinding light erupted from the
mid-air --> midair (first off, be consistent with how you spell/hyphenate
words; second off, d-v-w, hyphen muyo)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
The two collided with bone breaking force. As powerful as the Man Beast
bone-breaking (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
versatility with weapons held off the superior warrior. Had he been
going for the kill the way Cat Man was, it might have been a different
story, but Daredevil had long ago decided that was no line he would
willingly cross.
Captain America: Your fanfic counterpart's a wuss.
Daredevil: (begrudgingly agrees) He needs a dose of Frank Miller.
a little cat head emblem that kept the front of the bikini together. He
had a thing for front tie bikini tops.
front tie --> front-tie
But as turned on as Cat Man was by the appearance of the seriously hot
female so similar to him, pain transformed that lust into rage. �Who the
hell are you?!�
�Nihao. Am Tigra, the Were Woman,� she purred, making a display of
Suggest: Were-Woman (since you'll be using the hyphenated 'Were-Woman' later on
anyway)
licking the blood from her claws.
I'm vaguely thinking this is Shampoo, but she's already Elektra, so... I got
nothing except Shampoo doing triple duty as Tigra, Elektra, and being herself.
As though heralding the inevitable, other fights began turning in the
heroes favor. The Hulk had finally recovered enough from the surprise
heroes favor --> heroes' favor
Man Beast�s fury grew. �You think you�ve won? Well I�ve got news for
you, you�ll never take us alive! And you won�t make it out of here
either, since I have explosives wired at critical junctures of the
building. It�ll come down around all of our ears, and there�s nothing
you can do about it!�
Rugal Bernstein: I like your style. It's certainly better than repeatedly
falling off your own building.
Geese Howard: Silence, Popeye.
Man Beast laughed. �Better to die at our own hands than be defeated at
yours, you genetic mistakes!�
A crackling aura of pink the same shade as Man Beast�s mental bolts,
enveloped the group.
Suggest: A crackling aura of pink, the same shade as Man Beast�s mental bolts,
enveloped the group. (add comma after 'pink' to turn 'the same shade...' clause
into a digression)
The Avengers saw the villains stare at them in grim
resolve.
Revise: villains stare --> villain's stare/villains' stare (I'm guessing it
should be 'villain's', singular, since Man Beast is the only one left standing
and, presumably, conscious among the villains)
Also: in grim resolve --> with grim resolve
�Good enough,� Captain Japan said. �You help with the evacuation, and
I�ll be keeping a close eye on you, just in case you develop a sudden
revelation about having more in common with those animal guys than us.�
Heh. This statement is funny to me for two reasons; one, Ranma's insight into
the world of superheroes and villains are hilarious, and two, seeing Ranma
being this responsible and proactive is, well, a nice magnification of canon
Ranma's usual hero complex when Akane's in danger.
The remaining bombs had been recovered before detonating and sent to
some other dimension courtesy of Thor�s hammer.
Heh. Fandom in-joke. Ah, hammerspace.
The only exception was a
trio of explosives that had been planted in he building�s basement.
he building's --> the building's
�I don�t know,� Daredevil grumbled, something not feeling right about
Hmmm. Another car-wreck, Engrish-like sentence.
something not feeling right about --> feeling as if something wasn't right
about
Though you probably know this by now... Please, read the fic aloud after
leaving it alone for a spell, DB. Either that or don't be so hasty in sending
your chapters in the list. After all, the authors themselves should be their
own harshest critic, and you can be particularly harsh at times. :P
the way things had ended. He couldn�t put his finger on it, but
something felt out of place. It was a pity they hadn�t kept at least one
of the explosives, but he agreed that it had been too dangerous took
keep the sophisticated devises around when one could go off at any time.
took keep --> to keep
Hmmm... (takes note) Vague foreshadowing to a hang nail plot point. Gotcha.
super-villain�s suicide device. Thor and Hawkeye were glaring daggers at
the newcomer, this Tigra, who continued to drape herself over Captain
Japan, who seemed uneasy at the cat girl�s attention.
So many 'whos' in that paragraph. @_@
�Now, just who are you?� Captain Japan asked.
�Ah, yes, forgot to introduce self properly.� She bowed before Captain
Japan. �Am Tigra, the Were-Woman. Tigra helped Avengers because she
wants to join. Tigra can be valuable addition to the team, just like she
prove today.�
Oh yeah. I saw her in the most recent and ill-fated Avenger cartoon series that
was lacking of an A-team.
Ant Man: (incensed) We don't need no stinkin' A-team!
Riiight. _Those_ version of the Avengers wore lots of 'cybernetic armor' that
was all the rage during the late nineties, too.
Tigra gave a wide smile, showing off her fangs. �So, too tall Swede
afraid of being upstaged by Tigra? Is probably good fear.�
Hmmm. If this is Shampoo, then she's apparently going back to basics with her
more, um, cutesy Japanese baby-talk shtick.
DB Sommer: Member of the Fanfiction Mailing List since �97. Come on and
join the fun for some good C+C and stories. Just send an email to
ffml-request@anifics.com
with �subscribe ffml� in subject line and you�re in.
This tag is probably most effective when you're emailing in another anime
mailing list or anywhere outside the FFML; the best place to recruit new blood
and all that. It's obviously pointless to show this off only in your FFML
posts, methinks. Anyways, broken grammar rules time.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Grammar Rule #75: 'Nonplussed' doesn't mean 'unimpressed' and 'bemused' doesn't
mean 'amused'; they both mean 'confused'. Please do not be 'nonplussed' and
'bemused' about these two words' actual meaning.
Seven rules broken. Hmmm. This is by far the worst grammar record you've had
for a long time, so I suggest going back to your roots and proofread things the
way you always did in your previous, only-three-to-five-Grammar-Rules-Broken
chapters. We wouldn't want to disappoint Morgan Hudson, who looks up to your
grammar rule batting average and whatnot, do we?
As for the fic content itself: Well now. My diagnosis? It was a fun read.
Indeed, it was. We got a great straightforward narrative (barring car-wreck
sentences), superb present-arc villains, and a charismatic main baddy with a
penchant for words as well as a new character for future plot points to boot.
Everything was resolved in a nice and (not-so) neat manner. My catharsis has
been fulfilled.
You mentioned time and again that descriptive imagery was never a strength of
yours. Well, it's a good thing that this perceived lack on your part is
balanced by an innate ability to get into the minds of your characters such
that you can let them 'speak for themselves', then! Man Beast(Rhyno)'s video
speech is exceptional such that, so far, not many of your characters speak or
act anything like him and when Man Beast finally made his appearance, you rose
to the occasion and portrayed him a refreshingly unique and three-dimensional
character that works in stark contrast to the usual crazies that inhabit your
fic series. It shows that you can take any sort of character and portray their
personalities as clear and lucid and possible care of dialogue as well as
action; a feat that more than makes up for your inability to choke the prose
purple. ^_^
Also, I'm kind of wondering if the 'humanity-eradicating' virus will present
itself as a Chekov's Gun for future plot points or is it just a throwaway
MacGuffin...
Homer: Mmmmm. MacGuffin... (munches on the plot point)
Hmmm. Guess I'll just have to read future fics to find out, then.
As for the 'comic part swallowing the anime part of the fic' theory I mentioned
at the start of the fic: Yeah, from what I've read, that's exactly what's
happening in the latest chapters. Ranma's more Captain America-ish than
Ranma-ish, insert-anime-character-here is acting more like
insert-comic-counterpart-here, and this fic is slowly becoming more and more
Marvel than Anime save the occasional namedrop and character mentions.
Well, y'know what? That's not necessarily a bad thing. Whether this story is
anime-like or comic-like, this is still a very good story and a very good fic
nonetheless.
...I don't want to comment on Tigra until later on. I can't make heads or tails
(jeez, will the puns never stop?) of her as of yet, sooo... Yeah. Nice
resolution and nice segue to the next (and supposedly final) arc. Keep on
writing and maintain your discipline over chapter length and the handling of
events; this restraint over making chapters balloon into monstrous novellas
adds a little something to the fic series overall, I reckon. You've proven that
coherency, focus, and plot _resolution_ is indeed the key to avoiding the 'wide
canvas' pitfall I mentioned in my last, last C&C.
Finally, as for Man Beast's hasty defeat: No, 'hasty' isn't the term I'm
looking for. Anticlimactic as it may seem to others, the buildup for that scene
was nonetheless superb. Man Beast was indeed a plot point antagonist, and as a
plot point antagonist he died a natural death. He wasn't needlessly dragged as
a recurring villain, and his brief stint with the Ani-Men was short and sweet,
IMO. But then again, I'm more of an
'enjoy-the-journey-more-than-the-destination',
anticipation-is-more-than-the-event-itself kind of guy, so other opinions may
vary with mine concerning the ultimate handling of Man Beast and the Ani-Men.
As for me, I'm not really all that shocked that their plot point was resolved
in one chapter, and I'm glad they went off with a literal bang. Man Beast's my
favorite villain so far in the series, and I'm glad that he delivered the goods
(Tigra, presumably) after all that buildup since the first chapter of this arc.
That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Man Beast: (snarls at the 'pig' comment, rips my throat out)
EDIT: I've read your spoiler email. Like with Tigra, I can't really comment on
it much up until the time you actually execute your little plot point in prose.
We'll see how well it goes by then. Keep on writing, and good luck with that.
Belaboring my point since the year 2000,
Abdiel
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."
Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'