Got back from my last trip on Wednesday.  Thursday I was sick as a dog.  
By Friday,
I upped it to two dogs.  Finally feeling semi-human again, so I'll give 
DB's kind C&C
some attention.


DB Sommer wrote:

I'm going to try and do some long overdue C+C today. We'll start with 
something newer:


GL Sandborn wrote:

 

I've got more time to write now,

   

% I'd like to know that feeling. >_<


 

   "Miyabi-san, is there no word yet?" Aoi asked as her guardian
entered the family room where she and Kaoru had been patiently waiting.
   "I'm sorry, Lady Aoi," Miyabi said bowing.

   

said, bowing


 

"I was just speaking
with your mother.  She has taken an unusual interest in this case."


   

She's probably a secret agent as well, and wants in on grabbing the 
Koreans and showing up the CIA.
 

Now THAT would be a plot twist.  Pity, I don't write stories that twist 
or turn too much.  I like
my plots pretty straight forward.

   "Mother?" Aoi gasped.  "I... I thought Mother was following the
Sakuraba Group's decision not to get involved."


   

Time for Aoi to learn the difference between an official policy decision 
and what really happens.
 

Ah, but does she really think this?

   Aoi's hands quickly covered all but her eyes.  Kaoru couldn't be
sure but it looked to him like she was hiding a little smile of her own
behind those hands.  She was obviously pleased with the thought of her
mother being so much like herself.
   It also explained why her mother allowed Aoi-chan to stay with him
when it was obvious the group would be most displeased.
   "She has been making quiet inquiries on her own through contacts
only she is familiar with,"

   

MIyabi: Hookers, Pimps. Your mother used to be the highest paid call 
girl in Roppongi at one time before she landed herself a rich husband.
 

Ouch!  >_<

"Not a Sakuraba," Miyabi finished for her.  "Lady Aoi, this is a
very important event in which your family must present a harmonious
appearance."  She hesitated long enough to look directly at Kaoru.  Her
expression sent chills up his spine.  "This is nothing personal, Sir
Kaoru.  But it is imperative that we maintain appearances.  Many
dignitaries will be on hand. Prominent people from many countries and
the Prime Minister himself will attend. 

   

% Miyabi: Makoto Shishio might come back from the dead to make an 
appearance. Very important indeed.

 

  "You're almost family," Aoi noted with a hint of bitterness.
   "Someday I will be a member but 

   

% member, but
 

I sense a pattern here.  Have you noticed that in each of my chapters I 
have taken a particular
error and compounded it over and over?  Well, at least I'm consistent.  :-[

   Kaoru suppressed a chuckle.  "It's hard not to.  Tina always seems
to land on her feet,

   

% Except when she landed in crap in the first chapter
 

Actually, she wasn't in the crap.  Steven's partner was.  She was 
wrapped up with Steven.  Which,
in some circles, could be considered the same thing.

no matter what."
   Aoi's arms went around his body, pulling him into a tight hug.
"Then we shall believe together, Kaoru-sama.  Nothing will keep Miss
Tina from returning.  Nothing."


   

% The bottom would drop out of the Ai Yori Aoshi doujinshi market if it 
did. Economies would collapse.
 

Hmmmm, am I getting too close to economic apocalypse?

   The thought that someone felt the need to protect her brought a
tiny smile to her lips.  She never before felt

   

'she never before felt' seems awkward, but I can't seem to reword it at 
the moment.
 

Too passive voice, to be sure.  How about 'She never felt before....'?

approaching train platform.
   She wanted to say more, perhaps even admonish him a little for
being so cautious, but knew it wouldn't change a thing.  His job
demanded carefulness.  The Koreans were still be

   

% were still or would still be
 

Kill the 'be' --- killer bee?

lurking about.  The
threat to their lives was still very real.
   As the train pulled to a stop, Tina started to get up but was
quickly pulled back into her seat.  "Hey!" she yelled, frowning at
Steven and then at his hand gripping her wrist.
   "We have to be careful, Tina.  Slow and steady.  Understand?" he
said in a low voice.  It didn't sound menacing but conveyed exactly the
calm and serious way he was approaching this detour to Kagome.
   Tina blinked a moment before nodding.  "Oh.  Yeah.  Right."  She
joined him in looking around, although she had no idea what constituted
a threat.  In that, she kind of envied Steven.  Despite his protests to
the contrary, he seemed to know what he was doing.  Well, most of the
time, anyway.  She was counting on him to spot trouble before it spotted
them.
   He waited for a few moments before nudging Tina out of her seat and


   

% seat, and
 

Third time's the charm.

they gathered their bags.
   Stepping onto the station platform, she scanned for signs
indicating the shop the old lady at the inn suggestedwhile he continued


   

% so many verbs. I'd reword that into two sentences.
 

Agreed.  Boy, this line sucked.  I must have written it on the plane.  
Never could write coherently on
an airliner.

his threat surveillance.
   "Why are you so nervous?  We haven't seen a Korean since Tokyo,"
she said, still looking for the shop between glances his way.  "I think
we lost 'em this time."
   "The problem is that every time I start to think that way, the
Koreans show up again," he replied.  "It's like they know where I'm
going even before I do."


   

% Perhaps they read the script. Useful, that
 

I wondered where those chapter notes went.  :-P

   Tina wanted to admonish him for being so paranoid but

   

% paranoid, but
 

Four and counting.

he probably
had a point.  After all, they found him at the zoo and tracked him to
the Sakuraba house.  Maybe his paranoia was justified.
   "I wonder where that clothing store is," he said, eyeing a couple
of businessmen over by a vending machine.
   "Don't know," Tina admitted, glad to put her mind to something more
pleasant.  She dimly remembered passing through Kagome with her
photography club two years ago.  But 

   

% ago, but (at least I would make it one
 

I'll try that.

   Almost exactly thirty minutes later, she had indeed picked out what
she wanted.  Most had been on sale so she added a nice pair of hiking
shoes to her selections.  They went perfectly with the cargo shorts and
safari shirt she picked out.


   

she had chosen (already used picked out in the previous sentence.
 

Write and rewrite the same chapter over a three week span and that sort 
of crap tends to seep in.

   Steven shyly arrived just as she was about to pick out some
underwear.


   

% This pick out should be fine if you change the second one
 

'picked out', 'selected', 'chose', .....

   "Find what you were looking for?" she asked in jest.
   "Yeah.  So, you finished here?"  He glanced around like just being
in the women's wear department made him more nervous than dodging North
Koreans.
   "Just need some personal necessities," she said with a giggle.
Holding up a pair of fairly common cotton panties, she smiled sweetly.
"You like these?"


   

% Steven: I think they'd make me ass look fat. Oh, I'm sorry. You meant 
for you. Yeah, they're fine.
 

'make me ass'?????   Geez, this chapter is so crappy, it's screwing you 
up, too.  (Of course, if you were
of the English persuasion, it would be 'make me arse'.

  Steven hastily paid for her shopping spree, never once commenting
on how much it cost him.  He seemed more interested in getting out of
the women's department.


   

% Very nice tactics on Tina's part.
 

She's got him right where she wants him.  Of course, he wants out of 
there more than anything, so I suspect
this one's gonna be a draw.

  "You sound like you're angry," she said frowning at the sidewalk.
   His hand suddenly gripped her upper arm.  Before she could protest,
he yanked her between two buildings.  Spinning her around to face him,
Steven scowled her way.  "Look, what you did was cause a scene," he said
in a scolding voice.  "One of the first things you have to learn about
this business is you never do anything to draw attention to yourself.  I
know that's hard to do being a Westerner in Japan 

   

% Steven: With tits the size of Mt. Fuji
 

Hey, leave Taeko out of this.   (Of course, considering Tina's strange 
habit of 'grab the bagos', perhaps
she is just compensating.  The anime makes her look like she's doing 
something silly, like when Japanese
males do the 'grab crotch' thing when fooling around with their friends, 
but the manga....  I donno, kinda
makes you think she's really enjoying this.   I mean, when she went 
after Chika-chan, you had to wonder
about the girl.)

but you have to try.


   

Causing a scene invites people to look.  When people look, it can
sometimes expose you folks

   

% you to folks
 

or 'two' folks.  (Okay, I'll stop drinking my 'cold medicine' now.)

who want to do you harm.  Do you understand?"
   Tina pouted.  She didn't like being scolded but 

   

scolded, but
 

That's five golden rings!  (I'm going for the all time FFML record in 
repeated errors.)

hen she returned to her partner, he was still muttering questions
about the things he should have done to evade his pursuers.
   "Maybe, they got spies all over the place who are reporting on us,"
she said.  She couldn't believe that the kindly Mrs. Ohta was a North
Korean spy.  She didn't want to believe that.  There were others along
the way who could have informed on them but

   

% them, but
 

We have six!  There's no stopping this guy!

  She was about to dismiss the whole idea when something occurred to
her.  "What about that gizmo you took?" she anxiously asked.


   

% ha! I figured that out 2 chapters ago.
 

That obvious, huh?  I kept trying to direct things away from the gizmo.  
[sigh]

   "I doubt that will be enough," he said with a degree of
resignation.


   

% All it really has to do is mute the signal some so it's harder to find 
them.
 

You're getting warm.  Chapter after next explains things.

   "Looks like some kind of trail."  Steven traced the first but found
it just wound its way down to the floor of the valley and then back up
to the other side of Kagome.
   The second wasn't much better, ending only a short distance down
the mountain.
   The third, however, seemed to emerge onto another road in the
valley that led directly to the town of Katise.
   "That's about five kilometers," Steven said, turning to Tina.
"Think you can make it?"
   "Hey, it's downhill all the way," she chirped.  "Besides, I've
walked farther on my trip around the world."
   Steven started to fold up the map.  "How are your ankles?"
   Tina had forgotten about her painful injuries received from the
kidnaping.

   

% kidnapping
 

Yeah, I hate spell checkers.  It's almost like the company that wrote 
the word processing software
outsourced the spell checker work to India or something.

  "What are you doing?" she managed to gasp.
   "I don't have any ice.  We need to reduce the swelling before I can
try to get your new hiking shoes on," he said in a surprisingly calm
voice - considering she was now pounding on his back in an attempt to
get him to release her legs.  "They have better ankle support."
   Her blows became weaker as she tired and her feet went numb.  The
freezing water also numbed her throbbing ankles.  

   

% Then hypothermia set in and he had to cut them off.
 

And you wondered why he bought that hockey mask back in Kagome.

road.
   "I'm heavy, aren't I?" she asked.
   Steven chuckled.  "No but

   

% No, but

% seems like a lot of missing commas in here
 

No, I used my quota earlier in the chapter.  I've applied for an 
extension but the Comma Insertion
Agency hasn't replied yet.

   When Steven turned back, his painful smile was like that of a
  Hanging her head, she shuddered like a chill had take her body.
She'd screwed up again.  One of the nicest guys she'd met in Japan had
given up on her and was about to walk out of her life, if only in an
emotional sense.
   Despite her best efforts, she felt the first tear work its way
free.


   

% nice development chapter. Kept things moving just fine and had some 
character development along the way. Since there's still five chapters 
to go, expect to see the Koreans again before too long.
 

Next chapter - no.  The one after is where all the excitement begins.   :-)

Not much else to say other than it's great to see another chapter of this.
 

Thanks, DB.  Always appreciated.

- GL

DB Sommer

 

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