'Tis the season to read fanfics, fa~la~la~la~la........
On 12/28/06, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
The year 2006 and the month of December are just about to come to an end, so
let's cap it off with a little C&C.
Yay C&C!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
And yet you have such good knowledge of some series canon. But then
Sailor Moon and Ranma is pretty much required knowledge for the FFML.
...or is it? A new era of anime, y'know. There's gonna be so many
people who've never heard of Ranma, but love Dragonball and One Piece.
A brave new world, where the FFML has never heard of Ranma or Sailor
Moon. Will I live to see such a miracle? ^^
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
They can't stop me! Mwahahaha!
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
But is yew omnivorious, then? Or does yew taste loike porridge?
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
A bit of ranting now and again is like cleaning out the fuel
injectors. Gotta gun the engine and let fly sometimes!!
And my current victim is... ;)
Mwahahahah. ^_^
On 4/26/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
What's happened so far? Well ya see, there's this girl, and she saved her
friends at the risk of her life, and now that she's come back from the dead,
she's got a job interview.
Hey! When did NETTG become the later seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last chapter! :D
...Hmm. Do all stories with a teenage female protagonist typically
end up very similar because they're targetted at the same demographic?
It bears thinking.
...Kidding aside, that summary in essence describes the crazy that is NETTG to
a 'double' t.
Thanks.
There, with that out of the way, let's get to seeing what the villains think
about all this. ^_^
Cool. Antagonist character development.
I held off until now partly because there was still a surprise factor
to deal with. Who would have known they were plotting a grandiose
demise for them?
It was a typical day in the Dark Kingdom.
"JADEITE NO BAKA!"
Heh. Nice parody of the typical day in Ranma fic, or, as of late, nice parody
of the parodies of the typical day in Ranma fic.
Well, I wouldn't say "nice," as it is pretty bare-bones, but at least
it's easily recognizable and could raise an eyebrow or two.
"Aiyah!" cried Zoicite in a cutesy Chinese voice. "Crazy queen-lady
hurt
Airen!" He jumped on a slim motorbike and sped off in the direction of
Jadeite's flight, ringing the little bell on it as he went.
Hehehe. Not one member of the FFML will miss this fairly obvious in-joke.
Nope. Pretty obvious indeed. Maybe I'm getting old since early 1990s
references come naturally. ^^;
"Uncute tomboy!" Nephrite berated his leader. "Yer always hittin' on
us for
things we ain't doin'!"
XD I find this funny for the simple fact that I can find this very 'accent' in
nine out of every ten Ranmafics in the FFML.
And that sort of phrase employed, yes. ^^
Behind her throne, the gigantic force known as Metallia flowed around
and
glared at Beryl with a huge demon face. "BERYL, WHY AREN'T YOU GATHERING
ENERGY FOR ME?!"
Ah, of course. Soun. Almost forgot. Shame on me for not realizing earlier, what
with me reading countless Ranma fics and the entire manga to better clarify
canon problems within those countless fics...
Y'know, I kind of thought Ranma 'fics were more interesting before
everyone generally knew the canon storyline. ... Or maybe that
wasn't the problem. The thing is there were a notch more skilled
writers working on Ranma 'fics, but they've mostly since moved on.
The Revengefic Wars were interesting...
Still, wild times, man. Wild times. ^^
Metallia promptly swallowed the queen in one chomp, then licked her
jaws and
said, "TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!"
Then Queen Beryl, ruler of the Dark Kingdom, woke up.
(sweatdrop) I don't care if the sweatdrop is stock or cliche. This is the best
comment I can come up with after that doozy of a dream sequence. Oh yeah, that
and (facefaults) *WHUMP*
Still, you couldn't be completely sure it was a dream sequence.
Knowing my stuff, it could have been the actual villains talking
there!
Beryl opened her eyes. She was slumped against the arm of her
skeletal throne,
apparently having dozed off after the rough evening she had. Her faced still
faced --> face
Oops! Fixed in my copy.
Careful with these types of spelling error that can easily slip past the
spellchecker; I wouldn't want you to tarnish your so-far good record in grammar
and spelling.
Perhaps I got too tired of proofreading and wanted to release it
immediately. Ah well, at least you caught it. ^_^
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #74: Knowledge equals profit.
...
Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #65: Win or lose, there's always Hyperian
beetle snuff.
^_^
planet. But unexpected resistance came in the form of their old enemies, the
Sailor Scouts--or Soldiers, as they now called themselves. Thousands of
years
ago, she had watched them all die at the hands of her demon goddess, but they
had somehow been reborn or reorganized. This complicated things
tremendously.
Sailor Pluto: Hah. Complicating things? You dare speak to me of complicating
things? Well, I for one can't planet power makeup anymore 'coz I'm apparently
not representing an actual planet! Only when you have felt the full gravity of
meandering idiocy may you dare speak to me about complicating things.
Darn straightly! ^_^
Sailor Uranus: (raises an eyebrow) Wow. Did it take you all day to think that
one up?
Sailor Pluto(glares back): All of eternity, my good woman. All of eternity!
to confront him. Even the first foothold they had gained upon the Earth was
obliterated by them with the help of the traitor fleet commander, who must
also
have been reborn in this time.
Domo arigato, Mister Roboto.
~DOMO~domo...~
MM. ^_^
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ5HxgjWna0
S.L.K.: Oh hardy-har-har.
Narrator: A renegade Knight in Shining Armor--
"No, no--"
Narrator: A renegade, ROBOT Knight in Shining Armor!
Beryl had
watched it happen through a scrying spell in the crystal ball atop her staff.
The fact that Microsoft Word deems 'scrying' as a non-word is merely evidence
that Bill Gates is not a D&D type of nerd. He's still a nerd, but not just that
kind of nerd.
He's like a business geek and not a real computer nerd. ^_^
There was a deep, dark and melodious masculine chuckle from beyond the
edge of
Suggest: deep, dark, and (when listing three or more items, add commas after
each item before the last item)
Thinking about it......
Also: Pick from the two options below...
melodious, masculine (if both descriptors are modifying 'chuckle')
melodiously masculine (if 'melodious' is modifying 'masculine')
Lepardu(holds up a fish, examines it, tosses it over his shoulder,
then grabs a bunny and a razor blade): Mmm... DU! (in an instant, he
shaves the bunny clean and a replacement phrase appears from the
fallen fur!)
There was a deep, dark, and melodious chuckle from beyond the edge of
the light. "Not at all, you fascinating creature," the masculine
voice said. The clickety-clack of metal against metal and cloth
echoed throughout the hall. "About that girl, Sailor Chibimoon. She
has powers far beyond what any of us had expected. I myself was
impressed. I doubt you could kill her alone, however hard you tried."
The voice chuckled once again. "I took care of your little 'Sailor V'
problem,
didn't I?" A broken crescent-shaped compact fell into the light, as well as
a
few shattered scraps of what had been a crystalline sword. "She and her
ditzy
friend are gone forever."
Tsk. Darn it, and I liked Usagi Tsukino Version 1 too.
I like her too. She's a bit deeper than her successor, really. And
she's at least mildly psycho. In fact, I much prefer Minako over the
others. ^^
The PGSM version wasn't that great though.
(wonders idly if this
person is the oft-mentioned, fic-fandom-famous Hermaphrodite Oscar)
Nah, Oscar is dead. Many of the FFML's finest warriors perished in
the crusade that led to his downfall. Only Megane and SKJAM remain to
tell the horrific tale of their many battles.
"Oh-ho-ho, yesss." Out of the shadows, the Advisor hopped forward.
He was a
small creature, pure white, vaguely cat- and seal-like. His red irises
glowed
in the darkness and he carried a pair of sharp, thin knitting needles as well
as a scrap of tightly-woven cloth.
Well, I was close. An evil Arby the Arbyfish is about as Oscarifying as you can
get.
Well...................................... I wouldn't quite say it in
that kind of direction. An ArbyFish is overpowering, yes, but not in
Oscar's... unique... style.
And yayness! It looks like the Negamafoozles are exploring the possibility
of recruiting Terra as a new baddy. Not _exactly_ what I suggested before, but
close enough; great minds think alike and all that jazz. :P
^^ They're plotting it out, certainly. A bit of brainwashing'd do
her good. Unfortunately, it's like Luna says later, "Not all the soap
in the world could wash THAT brain!"
"Thanks," Terra breathed a sigh of relief. She went over to the
elevator and
got straight in when it opened. Someone came out past her. She stopped when
something like a shock jabbed through her mind.
The visual cue/trite foreshadowing device that no self-respecting otaku
wouldn't know about.
Yup! The shock of recognition or foreshadowing, or... whatchamacallit. ^_^
Terra sighed. "Arby, what are you doing here? And why are you
wearing--"
Then she stopped. She remembered that terrible, terrible things had a nasty
habit of occurring when she asked the creature questions. "Nevermind! I
don't
Nevermind! --> Never mind!
Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Nevermind the buttocks, my good man!
On the other hand, usage trumps all in my book. I tend to write how I
speak. Actually, I tend to subvocalize when I write in order to test
and taste how the words and paragraph sounds. This leads to people
around me believing that I'm talking to myself and that I have
multiple personalities. Then I bring out the stuffed animals and hold
a conversation.
Nevermind stays. I'm keeping this one, baby!!! XDXDXDXD
"Oye's givin' yew a recharge!" Arby announced, squeezed the 'shroom,
and
squirted some mushroom juice
Ewwww...
Blue ArbyFish(at a Green restaurant): Can I get some water?
Green Waiter(squeezes a 'shroom into a glass): Roight, 'ere's ya
mushroom juice!
Terra: (blinks blissfully) What? Is there something wrong with 'mushroom
juice'?
I feel the sudden overwhelming urge to add a few words.
"Oye's givin' yew a recharge!" Arby announced, squeezed the 'shroom,
and squirted some mushroom juice onto the mushroom mark on the girl's
neck. "It's Ritualistic!" Ritualistic was spoken like yet another
expensive buzzword.
"No, don't question the action, just accept it," Terra muttered in
her continued effort to avoid thought.
Then the mark on her neck hissed, burned, and glowed.
Terra let out a yelp of pain as she clutched it. In a rush of
annoyance, she pursued Arby, but before she could catch him, he flew
out the open elevator escape hatch. "Aaaarbyyyy!"
It's better that you never find out what's wrong with 'mushroom juice'. Or at
least when you're of _international_ legal age (because the legal age of
Japan... the human zygote stage... is just plain wrong)
Well, there's a lot of bizarre foreign euphemisms I'm unfamiliar with.
When I encounter one unintentionally, there's nothing to do or say
but mention, "Uhh, YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT IT TO MEAN!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA11111!!!@!!11!!"
*HACK*COUGH!*
Anyway... Onwards!
The door slid open to a beautiful silken padded paradise.
Suggest: beautiful, silken-padded paradise.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Well, yes, but I don't think a hyphen here is quite appropriate.
The door slid open to a beautiful, padded silken paradise.
Three adjectives. None are linked to the other, exactly, to the point
where it would need hyphenating.
Terra laughed nervously at the joke. "Umm, yeah."
The CEO glared at her. "I SAID I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL, YOU TWIT!"
Ah yes. Let the silliness commence.
It sure took me long enough, eh? ^_^
Then her mind gave her a whap upside the skull and told her, hey, this
woman
here can't be the real CEO of a major modeling company. I mean, look at her,
turning into a bat-winged grey creature like that. Do you call that
professional behavior? Honestly, some people have no manners.
Hehehe. Snarky. About as snarky as an 8-bit Theater comic, which is always
cool.
We like 8-bit Theater. It's fun!
In a puff of smoke, a figure appeared where Terra had pointed. Short,
squat,
pale and with a horrified look on its face, it was a naked anemic midget with
a
broken stick falling out of its hand.
LOL. Speaking of 8-bit Theater...
The mutant chocobo/The WTF: Awk! I'm a sin against nature! Awk! I was never
meant to be! Awk! Every second of existence is like a thousand excruciating
deaths!
Mwahahah. ^_^
Terra hasn't quite gotten the hang of making a proper KISA psychic
projection! But she's got some kind of starting ability. Mebbe
she'll get there eventually. She needs lessons from Naruto. ^_^
Terra(twiddles her fingers): Kage no bushin no bananafanafofanna no jitsu!
*Poof!* She turns into a banana and splats on the floor
Banana Terra(>_<): Darn it!!
It moved so quickly that the girl didn't have time to reflect on the terrible
slimy cold feeling when it climbed into her mouth, burrowed through her soft
palate, wrapped around her spine, and connected itself to her brain. "Oh
my!"
....
Terra: Mmmph?
Hmmm... Okee-du.
"MMRPH! Er, I mean, OH MY!"
...This is so wrong in so many levels that I can't even begin to describe it.
Oh, here's one way: They just went Urotsukidoji on your mouth. Ah, here's
another: They just put a long, slimy snake into a fourteen-year-old's mouth,
and it just won't stop coming. Hmmm, wait, I got more...
He's here all night, folks! Give 'em a big hand! ^_^
The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left,
wrapped
around a very heavy, slimy mushroom, and thrown through a closed window in
the
shrine.
Hmmm. I suggest revising the above sentence. When I first read it, it sounded
like the Irish girl got wrapped around a very heavy, slimy mushroom and thrown
through a closed window in the shrine.
Suggest: The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left;
it was wrapped
Or: The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left. It
was wrapped
Thanks for catching that. I'll go with...
The message had arrived just a few minutes after the Irish girl left.
It had been wrapped around a very heavy, slimy mushroom, and thrown
through a closed window in the shrine.
"Anyway, we're just about there," said Mars when they reached the door
to the
penthouse level. Jupiter kicked it hard sending the reinforced steel door
Revise: Jupiter kicked it hard, sending the reinforced steel door
Yeah, comma needed there.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Ferengi Rule of Acquisition #21: Never place friendship above profit! ^_^
The four miniskirted warriors for love and justice struck a great, big
Suggest: miniskirted --> mini-skirted
I had a chat with Larry F, the Great and Powerful Editor and
Enlightened Keeper of the Grammar Rules (defeater of the
fanfic.netters and sovereign of the Lost Library), and apparently
"miniskirt" and variations thereof constitute an exception to the
rules. The English language is riddled with 'em. I'm surprised
anyone actually ever learns to read it. ^^
Miniskirt is fine.
Grammar Rule #73 all over again.
73... Ah well. ^^
photogenic group pose that would have won them dozens of awards and marriage
proposals at sentai series cosplay conventions.
Come to think of it, Naoko Takeuchi-Togashi got all of that. That is, she got a
marriage proposal, a sentai series for Sailor Moon, and regular use of her
characters at cosplay conventions. Not exactly in that order, though.
^_^ Sounds like she got it all, then.
"Ew," she whispered. "Luna was right. This place IS messed up. And
it's so
blurry, too." She turned to a passing memory troglodyte.
Wow, you're not making up words. There really is such a thing as a troglodyte.
Ha-hah! I got'cha, didn't I?
What the hell is a troglodyte?
It's kind of like a hunchback, only shorter, and lives in the dark.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troglodyte
It's a lot of things, really.
Terra covered her mouth in shock. "NAKED BEEFCAKE PICTURES OF TUXEDO
KAMEN?!!?"
"Wow, it sure didn't take long for you to figure out what you wanted,
did you?
I got 'em here! In focus and everything."
Terra instantly reached for her purse, but then remembered she was in
some sort
of mental dreamscape.
Heh.
Dunno what that girl's got on HER mind... Ah well. ^^
A tingling at the base of her skull stung Terra, but it didn't force
her into
action. Zoicite believed her to now be suceptible to suggestion, her mind
told
suceptible --> susceptible
Roight. Fixed in my copy.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Right-o! Gotta check that stuff. Wouldn't be proper if ya didn't.
To gasps of shock from her friends, she widened the
incision, grabbed the yellow alien serpent, tore it out of her body, and
flung
it at Zoicite.
Nice thinking, but I have to admit that this Sailor Chibimoon is simply the
most hardcore Chibimoon I've ever seen. She even has shades of S.L.K. in her,
even.
It helps to be immune to mind control. To use a Buffy the Vampire
Slayer example, Angel was immune to demonic possession 'cause he
already had a big bad demon inside 'em. ^^
(shakes head) Only in NETTG can I type in 'hardcore' and 'Sailor Chibimoon' in
the same sentence.
Well, maybe in HoS, once I get back to it. ^_^
A flurry of attacks were then let fly by the group of enraged Sailor
Soldiers.
Revise: A flurry of attacks were --> A flurry of attacks was
Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
True, but you missed Grammar Rule #0!
Ben's Grammar Rule #0: Overall, try to use active voice instead of passive.
...and so, it really bugs me in scientific and engineering paper where
they use passive all the time. You can never tell quite what the
subject was that they were talking about.
Therefore...
The group of enraged Sailor Soldiers then let fly with a flurry of attacks.
As I mentioned before, one thing I find unfortunate (but ultimately
unavoidable, given that Terra is undoubtedly the star of this fic) is how the
girls have now been relegated to becoming a 'Sailor Soldier Collective' such
that there are times when one girl is indistinguishable from the other.
Yeah... It's kind of tough to know what to say. I was kind of hoping
I'd get specific sentenges I could assimilate into the hive mind that
is the fanfic--er, I mean, direct suggestions I can translate in
without too much ado.
Case in
point...
"FIRE SOUL!"
"MOON TIARA ACTION!"
"SUPREME THUNDER!"
"SHABON SPRAY!"
Yet another nitpick: Isn't it anticlimactic for Ami to blind the enemy with
soap and fog after all those attacks? Wouldn't it make more sense if she was
the one who initialized the attack, blinding the opponent enough to get hit by
the rest of the far-more offensive maneuvers?
Once again, my dear friend, you are thinking backwards. No, they
shouldn't be thinking tactically. They should be thinking...
comically! It should go, instead, like this:
The group of enraged Sailor Soldiers then let fly with a flurry of
attacks. Sailor Mars conjured a tremendous bolt of flame!
"FIRE SOUL!"
Sailor Moon turned her tiara into a grand disc of energy and flung it
towards her enemy.
"MOON TIARA ACTION!"
Sailor Jupiter called upon the titanic powers of Jupiter's incredible
lightning storms, flinging a tremendous bolt in Zoicite's direction!!
"SUPREME THUNDER!"
Sailor Mercury crossed her arms, twirled around once, clicked her
heels, snapped her fingers, and flung a pathetic bunch of soap bubbles
at the general.
"Shabon Spray!"
The others glanced at Ami with raised eyebrows.
"What happened to that cool ice spear attack of yours?" Jupiter
whispered to her. Ami merely shrugged in reply.
Zoicite, struggling with the snake, glanced frantically at his minion
as the combined strike sped closer. "YOUMA!"
"So, she wasn't really brainwashed," Sailor Mars whispered, looking at
her
fallen comrade.
"Not all the soap in the world could wash THAT brain," Luna commented.
Hehehe.
One of the advantages of not being able to sort out your own problems:
Neither can anyone else! :D
"DIE!!!" the voice screamed, and a something white with a blade
flashed past
Revise: and a something white --> and something white
Because-a we're-a not-a Mario or-a stereotypical-a Italiano.
Mama-mia! I-a must-a missed-a that! (tosses a pizza into the air)
I removed the excess "a."
Mercury desperately switched on her computer and tried to get a scan.
"It's
a... rare breed... elite class... White ArbyFish? This one's fifty thousand
years old. And its power readings are off the scale!"
It figures that those Loki-like creatures would have DBZ-like power readings.
Not quite as powerful as Arby himself, who gets a power reading of
Lemon-Lemon-Cherry.
And yet... the girls are gonna have to face him at his best one of
these chapters. Unless Arby fights.
Ridiculously overpowered, those ArbyFish. They stop time once a week
and frolic about, too.
"One question, though," Mercury began. "If this was the second most
horrible
experience of your life, what was the first?"
"Running naked through the city for hours with a crazy ArbyFish taking
pictures
of me and selling them to the highest bidder," Terra explained.
Figures that dying excruciatingly while fighting the Shitennou doesn't even
faze her compared to that, but what about watching her friends die? Wasn't that
horrifying to her as well?
Well, yeah, probably, but...
"One question, though," Mercury began. "If this was the second most
horrible experience of your life, what was the first?"
"Running naked through the city for hours with a crazy ArbyFish
taking pictures of me and selling them to the highest bidder," Terra
explained.
Rei burst out laughing. "Ooh boy, that's a good one."
"So your most horrible experience wasn't, like, dying or anything?"
Makoto inquired with a hand on the redhead's shoulder.
"Dying?" Terra mused drowsily. "Pfft, nah, that was a cakewalk.
Kind of fun, now that I don't have to remember it so much." She
paused. "Then again, watching my friends die a horrible quick death
and seeing everything I cared about fall apart in an instant was
pretty bad." Then she remembered the bus trip back home after getting
stripped down, and shuddered. "Nah, Arby was defenitely the worst.
No contest. Doesn't even compare."
"Why's that?" Usagi asked with a frown.
Chibimoon closed her eyes and shook her head, twitching. "You don't
wanna know. You just... don't wanna know."
"It's true, then," Luna spoke, obviously not wanting to believe
something that she now knew to be a fact. "Arby... lives?"
Terra: And make this fic sound needlessly sappy and dark? I don't think so.
The bluebird of happiness? The white seal of depression?
"Indeed," Chibimoon added while leaning against one of the heavily
padded
Suggest: heavily-padded
Agreed. Fixed in my copy.
The woman chewed on her lip, deep in thought for a minute, and then
sighed.
"No, not really. You're rather pretty, and I'm sure we could fit you in
somewhere, but you're a foreigner."
Terra nodded. "Nationalism and racism? I can understand that."
Figures.
Mary Sue powers can get her an interview, but can they get her the JOB??
"And we'd like someone with a tight, lithe, slim figure. You're too
short,
slightly too bulky and you're one cup size too large."
Terra stood up and put her hands on her hips. "HEY NOW!"
Heh. Well, of course she'd draw the line _there_.
Y'know, physical sufficiencies and such.
But it was too late to say anything else. Due to an incredible lack
of
honorific usage, the one upon whom Terra had placed all of her hopes and
dreams
had gone for her pointy umbrella. "OUT, OUT, OUT! AND LEARN TO BE POLITE
BEFORE TALKING TO ANYONE EVER AGAIN!!!"
"WAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Heh. Nice running gag.
Yar! Them Japanese businessmen are dangerous, they are!
The bookwormish girl nodded. "That explains it. You have to be
careful around
those businessy types, especially the ones with pointy umbrellas."
(raises an eyebrow) For a bookwormish (sic) girl, she sure is informal.
'Businessy' indeed.
Hmm...
The bookwormish girl nodded. "That explains it. You have to be
careful around top-tier business workers, especially the ones with
pointy umbrellas."
Makoto patted her on the back. "Hey, it's no problem. Anything for
our
favorite good luck charm."
Makoto: (kicks prose) Get it right! It's Lita!
Prose: We're not doing that gag anymore. Move along.
^_^ In-deed!
There were no disagreements. There were a few more chuckles, a
playful
argument or two about unimportant things, some plans for a trip to the mall,
and finally some expressed concerns for a huge test going on the next day,
whereupon the group split up and hurried home for a last-ditch cramming
session.
Sailor V: Resurrect me! I want to be a part of your group! I don't want to
die... to be dead... to remain dea--I want to LIIIIVE!
:D
Edward Elric: (shakes head) Believe me, lady; you wouldn't want to wish that. I
say let the dead stay dead.
Mwahahah.
Terra: (whistles innocently)
Sometimes, the main character has to cheat Death in one way or another.
Death(points an accusatory bony finger at Terra: HAX.
Goku: (chimes in) He's right, y'know. It'd be such a waste. The afterlife
provides optimum training facilities. You'll get stronger for the heck of it!
(nods sagely)
:D Yes indeedy!
Sailor Nuke: And blow up snakes before they get to you. Sailor Nuke sez.
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!!!
Hmmkay. Borken Grammer Rulz, yo!
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Constant vigilance!
Grammar Rule #1: Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Yaaw, verby-du.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
True, true.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
...And these are the mistakes I got after giving much leeway to intentional
misspellings and humorous coinages of new words. From, at most, four broken
grammar rules, now there are five. Not so bad, though I expected better from
the fic, seeing its track record. Nevertheless...
Still, in a decent-sized chapter, there were only a couple of
incidents of each. So... not horrible. Still plenty readable. Have
to break a few grammar rules to get a good laugh nowadays! ^_^
I have virtually no problems with the plot. It's wonderful, actually... so
wonderful that I thusly dub this chapter the 'Laugh Out Loud' chapter for the
sheer amount of gags and jokes that actually worked and had me in stitches (as
opposed to the other chapters, which gave me light 'Heh' chuckles and 'Oh, I
see; clever, that,' acknowledgments).
Yay! I like it when jokes work!
Getting a story started kind of reminds me of starting up a train.
Have to push it forward till you and the reader are familiar with the
characters and the setup. Then you can get your hands dirty and get
the real work done.
Okay, so I lost the analogy somewhere along the way. No biggie. ^_^
The jokes are indeed funnier this time
around, giving me the impression that you've finally just hit your stride and
went full-tilt after testing the waters, temporarily killing the senshi, and
unleashing deux ex machina action in the first major arc of the series.
It's like the intro, y'see. Can't play Kingdom Hearts 2 without
mucking about with Roxas for about nine hours first. ^_^
I
particularly like the tongue-in-cheek side comments of Terra's mind. It reminds
me so much of 'Hearts of Sugar', in a manner of speaking. Terra's character is
developing quite nicely, though the lack of S.L.K. involvement has me curiously
wondering when he'll pop up. As much as I hate his god-moding antics, he is, at
times, genuinely badass enough to work for the good of the story. At times.
He'll pop up when needed, though I admit his part in the final couple
chapters needs work.
As for the Bruce the white ArbyFish... Interesting. Very interesting. Too bad
the series has lost Usagi-lite because of him--
Minako: HEY! Usagi was the one based after me! She's Minako-lite!
--but then again, I don't see why she shouldn't be resurrected as their future
enemy just to spice things up.
Minako: ...Hmmm. Good point. (cackles maniacally)
That would have been a lovely way to handle it. But... supposing she
were still alive, she might have something of a grudge against Bruce,
wouldn't she?
My only real nitpick and suggestion to you (as I've said in previous chapters)
is to make the rest of the Sailor Soldiers' personalities stand out more. Don't
turn them into the (this joke is borrowing heavily from your old sig) 'Bored
Collective'. Yes, I know this fic is all about Terra, and yes, further
character development and subplots involving the 'senshi collective' as
individuals will detract from the main point of the NETTG: TIT (Terra), but
just a little bit focus on the foil wouldn't hurt. I mean, you can spare that
much attention to Usagi (and, in a slightly diminished form, Rei), so why not
Makoto and Ami?
Point me out some paragraphs and I'd be happy to. ^^
I.E. "Here! HERE is the perfect spot to add a squabble between Sailor
X and Sailor Y!"
I'm not saying that you should go full-tilt and focus whole
chapters on each one of them, I'm just saying that they'll act more effectively
as foil to Terra by becoming more well-rounded individuals with minor subplots
and side-stories that revolve back to your uber-protagonist (like, say, with
Usagi and her constant gibbering for Terra, and the surly dynamic Rei and Terra
are developing... do that with 'Lita' and Ami as well). Just a minor footnote,
is all.
I have nothing against adding major sections to help remove the
cardboardyness of the characters. I'd love to, in fact. It would fix
one of the major complaints about the story. Generalizations are by
definition hard to focus on, though. It really would help me if you
could point out a spot and give a general topic to elaborate upon.
That actually helps me focus. ^^
I could find some additional spots myself, but it'd involve a lot of
staring at the chapter for hours. It's much quicker and more
efficient when I get a specific story locational nudge.
Schyeah. So do keep on writing. Make use of whatever corrections that suit your
fancy and ignore the rest, these are strictly my opinion after all. I also
apologize for any spelling and grammar mistake my C&C has made. It'd be ironic
for a correction to need a correction, but we're all only human, after all. As
such, can't wait for more.
Right-o! Thanks for the review! It's helped me correct stuff and add
some bits where bits weren't before! ^_^